Rewrite

I Let It Fall, My Heart

2011-11-11T22:19:00.005+08:00

How to trust again.

I've Googled that too many times than I can count. That, along with "relationship conflicts" and "how to forgive".

I came across a multitude of articles, most of which did not help as most said that "it will heal in time" and that I simply have to "forgive and let go". Easier said than done. And yet, there are days when we laugh and everything seems to be so much better than before and then there are days (like today) where I can't stop thinking about what he did and start to question him endlessly. At some point, he loses his patience and I lose mine and we end up having a 2 hour battle that ends with both parties crying and saying sorry and at that moment, all the things he says seems so hopeful, so believable, that I start to get better. And then give me 3 to 4 days and I'm back at square one, all torn up and distrustful.

So what did he do that was so bad? It was hard enough for me to tell my own best friend of 15 years, let alone gush it all out in my blog. It isn't so much the pain of the betrayal (though that hurts like hell) but it's more the shame that comes with it.

The shame that I believed the best in him, that I tried to convince anyone who would listen that he was a great guy that I love him so much, that we're happy and then he goes and do this. And the fact that I still can't walk away is the worst. I feel stupid and weak - and that's an understatement.

Sure, he's trying his very best to win me over again. He never says no, holds me when I'm mad and is patient when I sulk. But it doesn't feel the same anymore. The fact that he's sweet because he's trying to fix what he messed up isn't the same as him being sweet just because he loves me. And I just can't and I mean can't wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't know why he did what he did and despite what he did, he claims to love me with all his heart. It's crazy!

I tried to fathom why would he stay in this relationship after all we've been through, all the heartache and growing up we had to do together, why would he stay if not for matters of the heart. I can't find any other reason why he would stay if he wasn't telling the truth and its driving me crazy because you don't do what you did to the person you love, you just don't! Sigh. He is a complicated person. Why I still love him is beyond my understanding.

But one phrase in all the zillion articles I read stuck in my mind. That when you lose trust and have to learn to trust again, you never really see the person in the same light. Those rose-colored lenses are gone and it's more of a wide-eyed kinda trust that you give. And that's supposed to be better because you see the person as who he truly is and that's all that men want. For the girl he loves to really see him and accept him for who he is. I'm not saying I accept him even after what he did, but perhaps there's a reason why my feet feel stuck to the ground every time I try to walk away.

Maybe there is something I need to learn from this. Maybe there is a reason why I stayed despite you not keeping all your promises.

Even If It Leads Nowhere

2011-09-19T23:26:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind

Don't need to think it over

If I'm wrong, I am right

Don't need to look no further

This ain't lust

I know this is love but

If I tell the world

I'll never say enough

Cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do

If I'm in love with you

Should I give up?

Or should I keep on chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste

Even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?

Or should I keep on chasing pavements

Entah Mengapa Engkau Yang Aku Cinta

2011-07-28T11:57:00.002+08:00

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku

Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta

Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagikuIni tidak adil

Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga

Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku

Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk

Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan

Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut

Mengakui cinta kepadamu

Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan

Bila bersamamu

Kau bukan milikku

Dan engkau pun tahu

Kau bukan milikku

Happier Times

2011-07-22T22:02:00.004+08:00

Girl : Will you miss me if I'm gone one day?

Boy : (Pause). Sure.

Girl : And what will you miss most about me?

Boy : Your negativity, your temper. Even though I hate it, I'll miss that the most.

Girl : (Smiles speechlessly).

Memories like these always come back to me when we're in a rut and it just breaks my heart.

He's My Favorite Martian

2011-07-11T23:00:00.006+08:00

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray.

Okay, so I felt really pathetic and desperate, being the sad heartbroken girl, sitting on the floor in the self-help relationship section of MPH, reading this book. But I've got to say, this book saved my life.

It taught me what 10 years of dating and countless heartbreaks didn't teach me - the meaning of trust. Sure, I know I've always had trust issues ever since I could remember but to be honest, I can't really explain what trust is. For me, it was to believe my man didn't go out grabbing every girl he can but that's about all the definition of trust that I've got.

But John Gray (God bless him) here taught me that trust really meant believing the best in your partner. To believe that he can take care of himself, that he won't screw up a relationship he loves and to believe that he will come back when he leaves.

Which brings me to the rubber band theory of why men pull away, sometimes for no apparent reason. Seriously, it is now so much easier for me to let him go when I know he will be back with more love. And it doesn't bother me so much anymore when he's playing games on his phone all the time, even ignoring me when I talk. I know he's just in his "cave" and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or is just trying to be rude. It's just how men are. It is because they are different that they complement women perfectly.

And even though I might not be able to remember everything I've learnt from this book (especially when my patience is tested), all I have to remember is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Remembering our differences helps to put things into perspective and remind us that our loved one isn't deliberately trying to hurt us. It is just that Martians and Venusians think and communicate differently. It does not mean that he/she doesn't love you. In fact, now that I've read this book and reflected on our relationship, I now understand that all those annoying things he used to do were in fact his way of expressing his love (the Martian way) but I, a Venusian, didn't understand his Martian talk.

And then there was that chapter on how your past may affect you. It hit the spot for me, so much so that I actually wanted to cry and I have never cried while reading a book.

You might have noticed that I didn't spill the beans on what exactly did this book say about men and women and how to relate to each other. That's because I want you to go to your nearest bookstore and buy a copy. If you've been in so many relationships your whole life but end up disappointed or heart broken every time, then this book is for you. If you and your partner have been together a really long time but aren't really happy, then this book is for you. Don't be shy about buying a relationship help book. These books are written by relationship experts, wouldn't you want to know the secret to lasting relationships?

But of course, to read this book, you've got to find that special someone who you love enough to want to change yourself for the better. I'm glad I've found mine.

It Feels A Little Bit Like Dying

2011-06-21T00:46:00.003+08:00

Okay, tajuk post pun dah drama gila.

Sigh. Anyway. I've always loved my job. Four years as a nursing student and for the past 7 months that I've been a registered nurse, I have never regretted entering this profession. But it feels terrible going to work with a heavy heart.

If I'm honest, I'd say a broken heart. But I'm trying to tone down the drama. God knows I've had enough with that.

So I go to work everyday envying those who are leaving their shift when I've just arrived and I count the hours till I can go home and cry into my pillow. Told you I've had enough drama.

We've been at odds for so long now, sometimes I don't even know what it's about. The only good thing about us right now is neither one of us really wants to leave. Sure, we've both had the "I've had enough" moment and ready to storm out, determined to never look back but then, barely a half hour later, we'd always end up saying we want to stay and work things out.

But I don't know how long that's going to last.

I miss us. The pair that always went to work together. He'd have my breakfast waiting when he's done his night shift and I'm on morning duty. I miss watching him draw. Those small, bony hands, quite unlike any other hands I've known. His eyes in deep concentration and then he'd look up and wink at me when he sees I've been watching. We'd smile at each other in between our hectic work and I always felt better knowing you were just right there. I walked to my car one night and saw that he'd left a note on my dashboard. I miss our webcam sessions. I miss us talking and laughing so much in the car, we got lost all the way to Pangsun. I miss you taking care of me when I was down with the H1N1 flu.

When I think about all our memories, they're so foreign now that I wonder if it was really a movie. If that girl really is me and is that really you.

No Need To Wonder What's Been On My Mind

2011-06-21T00:12:00.002+08:00

Been up all night staring at you

Wondering what's on your mind

I've been this way with so many before

But this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise to go back to bed

I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me

Kick off the covers, I'm waiting

Every word you say

I think I should write down

Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here

Just happy to be here

I'm happy to know you

Play me a song

Your newest one

Please leave your taste on my tongue

Paperweight on my back

Cover me like a blanket

And no need to worry

That's wasting time

And no need to wonder what's on my mind

It's you

And I give up

I let you win

You win cause I'm not counting

You made it back

To sleep again

Wonder what you're dreaming

Forgiveness Is Not My Specialty. But, For You, I'll Try.

2011-05-22T00:39:00.002+08:00

And after all that, I still can't deny how much I love you.

But don't screw up again.

Decisions, Decisions.

2011-04-27T12:07:00.003+08:00

Text to mom : Morning, Ma. R u having dinner at Midvalley tonight?

Mom's text : U have to ask Papa. I'll go with whatever he says.

*sigh* (I already know where this is going)

Text to dad : Morning, Pa. R u having dinner at Midvalley tonight? If u r, I'll meet u there after work.

Dad's text : Ask Mama.(I told you)

*slaps palm to forehead*

Text to both mom and dad : See u at Midvalley for dinner after work.

If they can't decide, I'll decide for them. Done and dusted.

Perfection Of Your Face, Slows Me Down

2011-04-27T10:04:00.004+08:00

You push me

I don't have the strength to

Resist or control you

Take me down, take me down

You hurt me
But do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous
Calm me down, calm me down

Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again
I'm never gonna leave this bed

So come here
And never leave this place
Perfection of your face
Slows me down, slows me down

So fall down
I need you to trust me
Go easy, don't rush me
Help me out, why don't you help me out?

So you say "Go, it isn't working"
And I say "No, it isn't perfect"
So I stay instead
I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all
Take all that I have
I'd give it all away just to get you back

And fake it, fake it all
Take what I can get

And I can slow it out
Can you hear me yet

Try to stay awake but you can't forget

A comment from a youtube fan : "If I had Adam Levine in my bed, I would also NEVER leave this bed!". You have my full support.

After The Wake

2011-04-26T14:47:00.005+08:00

Hello, I'm back and I don't know what to write.

Yes, that is the first thing that came to my mind the moment I clicked on "new post". My absence from the blogging world has been obviously stark for some people, to whom I would like to thank for the support. I truly appreciate my readers and it's for you people that I have gotten off my ass and put my fingers back to its out-of-practice typing mode.

Like all parts of the human body, writing skills waste away if you haven't used them in a while. I hope you will bear with me as I try to get back on my horse and back into creative writing.

The truth is, when you're this happy, you have no idea what to write. Yes, I have someone new and yes, some of you might think it's too soon and yes, a 3 year relationship was really hard to get away from but no, I have no regrets. No matter how happy I was back then, no matter how great making up after a big fight was, a part of me always knew it couldn't last forever and I held it heavy in my heart, like a lump of lead. As terrible as this sounds, I have to admit, the day we broke up, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders and I felt that I could finally breathe again. As much as I wanted to make him happy, I had to make myself happy first and that unfortunately left him out of the equation. I know it sounds terrible but its true. And I know he'll be much happier without me, eventually.

And the honest truth of why I took such a long break from writing is... well, I couldn't bear to read about all our history in this blog. He's practically my main character, the plot to the whole blog, the beginning and the end. I even thought about starting a new blog, burying this one deep deep in cyberspace but then I thought, I like my blog. I actually developed my writing skills a lot in this blog and I love the background, the comments from my readers, the collection of lyrics I've put up. Why should I give all that up and start from scratch just because I gave him up?

So I waited until I could read all my previous posts without that twisted feeling in my gut, that sting somewhere in me that I couldn't quite point out. Don't get me wrong (and yes, I am talking to you, new boyfriend), I am happy now and I have no regrets about breaking up but like it or not, when you've been with someone 3 years, even after you realize both of you were not meant to be, it still messes you up. Maybe not quite the same if you were dumped by someone you love and thought the whole world of, but it was a whole mix of emotions that I can't even begin to describe.

I love my new boyfriend a lot. Like, a lot a lot. He's funny and kind and most importantly, he's patient and gentle. He might not think much of himself but I think he's just about the best guy I've ever known and I have known quite a number of guys. And he tops them all in almost every way. But you have to admit, it's just been 4 months into the relationship (coming into 5 months in May) and I had just 4 months ago broken up a 3 year relationship. I know you expect me to recover almost as fast as I fell in love with you but I'm sorry I didn't go with the pace.

But I am all done now. You squeezed yourself into my heart and it's completely filled with you, I promise.

You make time speed up and slow down at the same time. It speeds up because I feel like I've known you for the longest time but then time slows down when I realize it's only been 4 months and I'm left blinking in surprise.

Flicker Of Truth

2010-12-16T21:10:00.005+08:00

Surprisingly, falling in love and falling out of love isn't very different. Because, when it happens, you just know. And you also know that there's nothing much you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I wanted that break up and I still do. Don't ask me why, it's a long story. Whether I wanted it or not, I guess the grieving process is just the same. But I feel weird because I can't cry. I don't know why but I can't. I feel numb from head to toe and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I haven't been truly single since I was 16. It's not something I'm proud of, being the serial monogamist. Now that I'm alone... I guess I'm just at a loss at what to do. I don't know what is it I feel, when I'm alone.

God, I hate being emo.

Are you really here? Or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth.

I Don't Have The Strength To Stay Away

2010-12-08T22:25:00.006+08:00

You make it hard to breathe

With every step you take closer to me

I am cold with every touch

And I can't fall asleep

I can't stand to be without you

Now that you've figured out who I am

I can't stand to look into your eyes

Now that I realize

You make me weak
You make me love
You make me want to scream your name at the top of my lungs
You make me shake
You rescue me
But most of all you make me
Complete

I am drawing pictures in your hand
And being away from you is something I can't stand
I feel your breath upon my cheek
You're my everything and my heart is yours to keep

I don't have the strength to stay away
Because I am falling more in love with you
Each and everyday
I can't stand to not be by your side
Now that I realize

You make me weak

You make me love

You know I'll stay with you forever

But that's not enough

Why I Love Being A Nurse

2010-12-03T21:32:00.003+08:00

Ever since I was 7 and teachers asked that inevitable question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I always knew I wanted to be a veterinarian. One of my earliest memories is of me at about 3 or 4, where I wandered around the back alley of my old house in Kajang and heard kittens crying. I looked everywhere in that back alley for the source of that crying and found 2 kittens in the drain, still with its' placentas attached. They were wet, cold, and mewing those high pitched cries that still, to this day, make me wander off to look for distressed kittens.

I remember getting into that drain and it was quite deep too, it must've reached up to my neck, at least. But I've always been a tomboyish girl, so I scooped the kittens into the palms of my hands, placed them outside the drain and hoisted myself out of there. I took them home and asked my very disgusted mother if I could keep them. Suffice to say I did not get to keep those kittens and, after a while, my parents got so sick of me bringing home stray cats that they got me a cat of my own.

My childhood dream was to open up an animal hospital. Most kids abandon silly little ambitions like that when they hit puberty but by the time I reached matriculation at the age of 17, I still wanted to be a vet. There was only that short period of time when I was 16 and me and Ezzura wanted to be lawyers, simply because we thought it was hot to be wearing sexy, stylish, office clothes.

When I was done with my SPM, I got an offer from UPM for a diploma course in animal health and I was ecstatic. It was my dream come true but then, my mom persuaded me against it, saying that vets don't make it very well in Malaysia, especially in the government sector and I believed her because I've been to government animal clinics and it was no more than a shack by the roadside. It never hit me, then, that if I became a vet, I would be a government animal doctor. I was thinking more like Steve Irwin or all those other people who travel and document wild animals and treat them or rehabilitate them and stuff.

Since I wasn't sure what course I had to take to be the next Steve Irwin, I decided to go to matriculation while I thought things through. If I really wanted to be a vet, I could go on and do a degree in animal health, couldn't I?

It was when I was in matriculation that my dad introduced me to nursing. He showed me an article on the front page of the New Straits Times and, at the time, I had never even thought of nursing as a career choice. It wasn't that I hated nursing, it's that I've never even seen a nurse my whole life, except for the ones who came by in primary school and taught us how to brush our teeth right. Even then, it didn't register to me that they were nurses, qualified health professionals, I simply thought they were adults teaching us how to brush right.

So I did my research in nursing and was intrigued by midwifery. I was impressed that nurses could branch into so many specialties and so, I settled my heart there and then to venture into nursing and have never looked back since.

Sure, I still wander into every pet shop I can find, whenever I can. I can never ever resist pet shows and I intend to volunteer at the SPCA in the near future (I actually volunteered there once when I was 10). I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I see roadkill and I drive extra slow and carefully around my neighborhood, not for fear of hitting children, but for fear of hitting kitties.

As I grew up, I became more and more conscious of openly showing my affection for animals. I'd shy away from a cat I was about to approach whenever I see someone coming. I'd only talk to cats when no one's there. Yes, I do sound crazy and I'm aware of how it makes me look and that is why I stopped doing it in public.

And yet, nursing is the best career for me. Not only do I get to venture into the medical field, making a difference in someone's life everyday, but I also get to show affection. It may surprise some people to know how soft and gooey I am inside. Sometimes, when I read a sad piece of news in the papers, I'd have to stop and take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. It sounds stupid and I know how it looks like and again, I don't like showing this part of me.

Being a nurse, I like standing at the bedside of a patient, trying to comfort her not just through words, but through facts that I've learnt during my 4 years of training. When a patient is unconscious and the family is looking anxious outside, I am the first to ask the doctor if he's informed the family of the patient's condition and would he like to do it or should I? And while everyone is in the middle of chaos, rummaging drawers for syringes and medications, going through observation charts and past history, I'd be the one person standing next to the patient's bed, holding her hand and telling her it's going to be okay. That her vitals are slightly above average but we're doing everything we can, you're in safe hands.

I love nursing because it allows me to be kind without being judged. I can be a really shy and sensitive person but life has taught me to be firm and strong. That if you didn't have your feet planted firmly on the ground, people could just blow you away. Being a nurse lets me be that kind, patient person you can depend on, so different from my bad tempered, egoistic alter ego. It lets me be the person I want to be, versus the person that I have to be.

It's true what they say, you know. That if your heart's in the right place, you can never lose by doing what you love to do.

Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down - Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult.

Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

2010-11-30T23:58:00.004+08:00

What do you call that feeling, an emptiness so deep, you want to bury yourself just to get away from it? When you want to sleep and never wake up until everything's different? And yet, you have to put on a strong front, not just because the person you love most depends on it, but because your job requires you to do so.

I've loved him for so long, I've got so many memories of him that I can't imagine what it'll be like if I didn't have him. No matter what I feel, I can't imagine my everyday without him. There were times when I loved him so much, I'd watch him, trying to memorize his face. The way his cheeks crinkle when he smiles, that line between his brows, that mole under his chin. There was a time when I'd know his scent anywhere. Even though time has calmed me down a bit, settled me from a fiery passion to a comfortable familiarity, I still love him with all my heart.

So tell me how do you let someone go? When they flip onto their ugly side and you don't think you can stand the sight of it and then, just as quickly, they flip back and you're left wondering if this will ever work. And if it won't work, where do I even begin to piece my heart back together?

If you're reading this, don't ask me about it. This is the last thing I want to talk about with you.

Every Evil Has Some Good In It

2010-11-18T23:16:00.002+08:00

The good thing about losing is you learn something new - Megamind.

I'm Not In It To Win It, I'm In It For You

2010-11-18T22:40:00.006+08:00

While everybody else is getting out of bed

I'm usually getting in it

I'm not in it to win it

And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor

Flat like an idle singer

Remember winger

I digress

I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories

About a husband and wife

There's no happy endings

No Henry Lee

But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love

And we decide that it's forever

No one else could do it better

If it's love

And we're two birds of a feather

Then the rest is just whenever

And if I'm addicted to loving you

And you're addicted to my love too

We can be them two birds of a feather

That flock together

Love, love

Got to have something to keep us together

Love, Love

That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own

Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne

I wanna buy ya everything

Except cologne

'cause it's poison

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls

Mainly on the plain side and sing

'cause it is we can laugh we can sing

Have ten kids and give them everything

Hold our cell phones up in the air

And just be glad we made it here alive

On a spinning ball in the middle of space

I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in

I won't ask where you've been

'cause everybody has a past

When we're older

We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed

I'm usually getting in it

I'm not in it to win it

I'm in it for you

I Finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece

2010-11-14T23:19:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow, 15 November, is our 3 year anniversary but we decided to celebrate today since I'm working tomorrow. I thought I'd make it a really cheap but fun date, so I borrowed my dad's DSLR and we went camwhoring in Putrajaya.

Weeks ago, when I first planned this date, I imagined we'd be going all over Putrajaya, taking pictures all the way. But the truth is, photo shooting is exhausting! And the sun sure made it fun. Our first spot took more than 2 hours already and we were both famished so we decided to go for lunch and a movie instead.

The photo shoot was really fun, especially since (straight) guys don't really like being the subject of camera attention and so, I got to be the model most of the time. I loved it but I would have loved it more if I wasn't so damn fat. Oh well, at least, if I got really sick, my body would have "extra baggage" to burn.

Later on, we had lunch at Johnny's Steamboat which was really really good! I can't imagine he's lived all these years and never had steamboat! At least his first steamboat experience was great, unlike his first time with pasta and sushi.

We decided that this year, we'd make our presents. I started out weeks ago but finished his present just last night, due to my being a professional procrastinator. I made him a huge valentine with cut out words and lots of our photos.

His present to me took me completely off guard. He had made me a movie and burned it on a CD. He stayed up late to do it, and I appreciate that so much, what with him being so busy with his studies and social life. The CD also came with my favorite bar of chocolate, a white Toblerone. Anniversary or not, you can never go wrong with this chocolate!

When I reflect on the past 3 years I've been with him, I feel so much love for him, I don't even know where to begin to express myself. I don't think I can ever show him how much I love him and so, he will never truly know. I can be a real pain in the ass, and while he can be too, I've got to say that I pick fights way more than him. Not only does he stick around, he loves me all the same.

All I've wanted ever since I was a teenager, was to find someone who would love me and make me feel special. I've found him now and if I had known it would be this awesome, I would never had let myself fall for anyone in my past, not ever.

Mad Woman, Bad Woman

2010-11-11T23:40:00.008+08:00

Easy come, easy go

That's just how you live

Take, take, take it all

But you never give

Should've known you was trouble

From the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open

Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did

To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause

What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for ya, baby

But you won't do the same

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb

Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from

Mad woman, bad woman, that's just what you are

Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

If my body was on fire,

You'd watch me burn down in flames.

You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby

But, darling

I'd still catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for ya, baby

But you won't do the same

The Brain And The Heart

2010-11-10T22:59:00.007+08:00

Me : nanti I first gaji, jom pergi Sunway Lagoon! Or nak pergi Melaka? U cakap je nak g mana, jom kita pergi!

Him : no la u, first gaji u simpan dulu k, next gaji baru belanja..bagi u financially stable dulu, okay?

I told you he's so very reasonable. When I reflect on the things he says, I wonder why do I have my head in the clouds so much?

He's the brains of the relationship, while I am the heart. Well, unless you're talking about career and studies, whereas I am the brain and he's the heart.

And like those two vital organs, one can't be without the other. Well, the heart can live without the brain but the brain can't live without the heart. So I would very much prefer to be the heart.

Heart or brains, if I ever catch you lying again, I'll rip both of yours out.

I Wish I Could Do This

2010-11-08T19:29:00.001+08:00

I really want to kill someone right now.

There Will Never Be A Day When I Don't Miss You

2010-11-06T22:06:00.005+08:00

We just had lunch together today. We also spent the whole of yesterday together. But I still miss you.

My First Job

2010-11-04T22:22:00.005+08:00

Tajuk post macam esei kanak-kanak kan? Hahaha.

Who would've thought my first job would be with a private hospital? When I was a student, I swore I wouldn't go into private healthcare, what with all the racked up charges and sometimes, unnecessary ward admissions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I will not discuss my career plans here, because I am not that stupid. I only want to discuss my first day, more for the benefit of my juniors and classmates so that they'll know what to expect. And also for my close friends, to let them know I'm doing okay.

On the first day, I had to put on this really dorky white shirt and black slacks. I was brought to the Human Resource and met the Chief Nursing Officer. While waiting in the lobby, I chatted with another new nurse, a diploma graduate who worked in a different private hospital for 3 months prior to this current hospital we were at. I thought it was real silly of her, resigning her RM 2400 post for one which barely pays you 2K. I guess she has her reasons but if it were me, I wouldn't be going anywhere.

While we were chatting, it surfaced that I was a graduate and she was a diploma holder. So she asked me,"Tak rasa rugi ke, ambil degree tapi sama je gaji dengan diploma?" and she also asked the inevitable, "degree dengan diploma apa bezanya?" My blood did boil when I heard these questions, but I kept a cool surface and instead, applauded her for her ignorance. I answered that the difference between degree and diploma holders were the entry requirements, and that the degree course had more professional development courses, we learn in English, and our classes were smaller so we are more focused and integrated. It's not much of an answer but I kept telling myself, let my actions speak louder than words. I'll prove to them what the difference is so that they can actually see it instead of just hearing but not believing. My answer to the other question was simple. "Tak rugi sebab degree lagi cepat naik and lagi senang nak sambung belajar and kalau nak kerja overseas, nursing board western countries tak recognize diploma."

So we were later brought to meet the Chief Nursing Officer (CNO). She eyed us both up and down and turned to the other girl, saying "Mana badge awak? Kenapa dia pakai badge tapi awak tak pakai?" I looked at the floor but inside, I was like "hah!!" I knew putting on that badge would bring me some good. Well, I actually put it on because I didn't want to look like a caterer in my black and white outfit. At least the badge had the words "Jururawat Berdaftar Malaysia" to prove that I am a nurse.

The girl smiled sheepishly and squeaked that she "forgot" to put it on. She was then introduced to the Head Nurse for her assigned unit and taken away. I sat there and the CNO looked at my interview sheets and asked me when was I going to complete my degree course. I said I've already completed it and graduated in August. She then raised her eyebrows and asked me from which college did I graduate from and I said "UKM". I could tell she was impressed. She asked how old I was and I said 22. I then had to explain to her that I did a 4-year course straight from matriculation and had no previous working experience apart from part time jobs.

She told me that, from the interview, it was remarked that I had a good family background and excellent command of the English language so why does someone like me want to be a nurse? I smiled and told her how my dad suggested nursing for me when I was 17 and I did my research and found it to be a very interesting field because you can branch into so many specialties and how, initially, I found midwifery to be my area of interest. But then, after 4 years of studying nursing, I find that I cannot choose which area I like the most because I love it all and have never regretted my decision to enter nursing.

We spoke in English and when the Head Nurse of my assigned unit arrived, the CNO introduced me to her and told her I'm a graduate nurse with no working experience but a very good knowledge base. She then turned to me, told me "I think you can go very far in nursing and I hope you'll like it here". She even stood up, shook my hand, and walked me to the door.

Oh, sungguh dan sangat lah puas hati dapat layanan macam ni dari CNO, especially after that demotivating conversation with the other new girl.

I will not tell you the rest of my first day in such detail, because a)it's my fourth day already and I can't remember that much and b)I think it's more important that I stress on the take home point rather than my experience in detail which will mean nothing to some people.

I was then brought to the Emergency Department, my assigned unit. It's more commonly called the A&E (Accident & Emergency) among medical staff. I was introduced to the morning staff, including the clerks at the counter and then taken into the Head Nurse's office. In the office, I was explained, at length, about the rules and regulations of the hospital (I had to fight my urge to yawn) and on how my working hours will be like.

And then the Head Nurse did something that I don't think I'll get in any government hospital. She took me for a tour of the whole hospital. And I mean the whole hospital, from the top floor where the CNO's office was, right down to the basement where they did the laundry and housekeeping. And it's not just a tour of what is where, it's also a tour of who is where.

"Hai, saya Azwa, staff nurse baru di A&E".

That was my line of the day. I had to introduce myself to everyone. The physiotherapists, the doctors, the radiographers, the lab technicians, the clerks, the nurses, the care assistants, the cleaners, the security guards. I have never been so mortified my whole life. The people were all really friendly, making nice remarks like "Welcome" and"Nice to meet you". I've noticed, in the past 4 days I've been working here, that people are really friendly. Even the doctors are nice. And it's not just with the patients (obviously, they're paying for it so they have to be nice) but its the culture between staff too. Everyone smiles at each other every morning and even greet each other. It's creepy at first but then you get used to it and you start to practice it too. So I guess that's part of fostering a healthy environment.

I was also introduced to the doctors in the A&E. One doctor started quizzing me, on why I didn't take medicine anyway, since I have a nursing degree. I could go on to take medicine overseas, but the bottom line is, I like being a nurse. I don't want to give myself a headache trying to figure out patient's diagnoses and treatment plan. I like being the caregiver, advocator, and educator. He didn't believe me so he even asked for my GPA. I told him and he nodded and mumbled "Well... that's okay... borderline". Whatever. But he turned out to be alright. Sure, he quizzes me a lot and wants to see me do procedures so that he can assess whether I'm really all that good, but you know what? I like it that he does that. Because, so far, I haven't failed myself yet. I've answered all his questions without blinking and did all the procedures right (thank God!). I think it's great that I've got the opportunity to prove to people that graduate nurses are different.

It may be daunting, people constantly watching me, scrutinizing, skeptical about my credibility, some even waiting for me to mess up. But the up side is that it keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly looking for something to do, I never forget to say please and thank you, I refrain from gossiping (but my ears are always open), I read up everyday so that I know the right things and ask the right questions.

So that's really okay. The people here are nice, especially my co-workers. Usually, in government hospitals, you have to make an effort to learn. If you don't ask and show interest, no one's going to pay attention to you (sometimes you get the same treatment even if you do) but here, I have people coming up to me everyday and offering to teach me something new.

The aforementioned doctor asked me to perform a Mantoux test on a patient and I would have peed my pants if it wasn't for the fact that I had the exact same test performed on me last year. I have never done a sub-dermal injection my whole life. The nurses usually don't let us students try it out because it's very easy to mess up and end up giving the injection too deep within the skin layer. But I've seen how it's done on me and felt pretty confident (plus, I won't let that doctor one up me). Some of my colleagues were nervous for me and even tried to give me last minute tips as I started to prepare for the injection and the doctor was slowly making his way out of his office towards the treatment area. I took in most of the advice, though my ears were quite deaf due to the sound of my thumping heart.

I did the injection with no less than 5 nurses and the doctor surrounding me. It was like a little circus. After I had given the injection, the doctor started quizzing me on how long it will take to show results and how big would the swelling have to be to show that it was positive. I answered him right, thanks to the occupational nurse in London who did the Mantoux test on me last year and told me a great deal of information about the test. God bless you, occupational nurse.

I quite like it here at the A&E. One of the bright sides is that I don't have to deal with nursing reports. We usually just treat the patient and then discharge/admit/transfer the patient. There are also plenty of opportunities to practice things you don't usually get to do in wards because it's usually done by doctors. These include blood taking, IV cannulation, and male catheterization. This morning I even did a blood culture and sensitivity (C&S), which my colleague was so kind as to offer me to do the job and supervised me and later congratulated me on a job well done. Like I said, the people are real nice here.

I love my job, but I hate the pay. But it's my first job, I can't expect too much. I'm doing it more for the experience than for the money. Tomorrow is my day off! I can't wait to see my daling.

The End Of Eternal Holidays

2010-10-31T19:40:00.003+08:00

Today might be the last day for the next few years when I'm not busy or obsessing over work. I'm starting work tomorrow! For those of you who don't know yet, I'll be working at the Emergency Department at KPJ Kajang Specialist Centre. I've been reading up on Emergency Medicine (like, 4 pages) so I hope everything goes well tomorrow. It's going to be pretty scary, meeting new people and getting to know a new environment.

I am soooo bad at first impressions. I don't know how to make small talk, I can't remember people's names, and I hate eating with strangers. I don't expect it to be busy at a private hospital's emergency department, because they only take in people who can afford to pay. So I expect there'll be a lot of lounging around tomorrow, where there will be plenty of opportunities for people to bombard me with personal questions.

"Where do you live?" "Oh, you're a nursing graduate? What's the difference between that and a diploma?" "You have a degree and your pay is the same as us diplomas?" "Are you planning to stay on?" "Why did you choose the emergency department?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "What does he do?"

I remember my first days at matriculation and UKM. Most of the time, I'd be alone, dodging glances, smiling politely, and not really knowing how to respond to people. I'm not stuck up or hard to be friends with. It's just that I'm socially awkward with people I don't know. I think the part about making friends and meeting co-workers is the part I'm most anxious about. I'll be working under a mentor for 6 months, so I won't be expected to know everything about emergency medicine during my first month or so. But I'm nervous about the people. I think I'll be under a lot of scrutiny during my first few weeks, especially since I'm probably the only one with a nursing degree, they're gonna want to see if I'm really all that good.

On the up side, I've always had good friends wherever I went in the past. I know I'll probably find a good friend or two at my new workplace but I expect at least a week of isolation and eating alone. I'm also pretty excited to start work, I can't wait to get myself super busy, I think I'll pick up a lot of night shifts and double shifts! Kajang is nearby my boyfriend, so I'll probably be seeing him a lot after work.

Anyway, today I had the best shopping experience ever! I can't really go into details but I'll tell you this: I wish someone would hurry up and break the news so I can go crazy!! There are so many things I want to say, but I can't!

Alright, alright, time to iron my clothes for tomorrow (I'll be wearing this really ugly white shirt and black pants because I haven't gotten my uniform yet) and pack my working bag. Even though the pay is crap and I'm hoping to get something better before the end of January next year, I'm pretty psyched to start work.

Khairatul Azwa, Registered Nurse

Bsc. Nursing (Hons) UKM

I like the sound of that.

Really Long Boyfriend Survey

2010-10-30T23:12:00.004+08:00

Because I'm bored.

What is his name?

Mohamad Asrul Bin Mohd Bakher

How old is he?

Height?

175cm

Eye Color?

Dark brown

Hair Color?

Dark dark brown

Is he pretty?

What..? I sure hope not!

Is he cute?

Yes he is

Is he funny?

Absolutely!

Is he unique?

The one and only.

How long have you been going out?

3 years.

Do you love him?

With all my heart.

Who said I love you first?

I think it was me. Hahaha. Berzaman kot kalau tunggu dia! I am not a patient person.

How long do you plan on being with him?

For the rest of our lives.

Would you steal or lie for him?

Steal? I don't think he'd let me do that. Lie for him? At some point I think I've already done that.

Would you stand up for him?

Yes, without even thinking about it.

Would you protect him even if he was at fault?

Yes I would.

If some one touched him in the wrong way what would you do?

I'd kill that person!!

Do you trust him?

Not really but that's not his fault. I find it very hard to trust people.

Whats your favorite thing about him?

His "good boy" attitude. He's very reasonable and keeps my feet on the ground.

Whats his favorite music?

Right now, he's loving the song like a G6 by Far East Movement.

Whats his favorite food?

Probably KFC?

Would you stop doing something for them?

Yup, I've done that countless times.

Is he a jealous person?

Yes he is but with reason.

How often do you think of them?

Never a second without him on my mind.

Have you sang for them?

I did one time, actually. Hahaha. Hard for me to say I'm sorry by Chicago, because he was mad at me at the time.

Would you let some one or something keep you from seeing him?

I'd try my very best to see him and I'll have you know I'm a very determined person.

Does he call you every day?

Yes, sometimes more than 5 times a day. Dia malas nak text sebenarnya. Baru je sebut, ni dia dah call.

Do they smoke?

He's been smoke-free for 7 months. I'm so proud!

Name one thing you would change about him?

His temper.

Has he changed you?

Yes he has. He's tamed my temper quite a bit. I no longer curse when arguing.

When was the last time you saw him?

Yesterday.

Does he go to your school or work with you?

Nope. I do not date people I work with.

Would you love him no matter what?

Yes I would.

What would make you break up with him?

If he ever cheated on me. No wait, I won't need to break up with him because he'd be dead by then.

Have you seen him cry?

Yup.

Has he bitten you?

No but I've bitten him. Hahahaa.

Does he trust you?

As much as I trust him.

Is he some one you want to be with for a long time?

Of course!

How long have you known him?

More than 3 years.

Why did you choose him?

It was his "little boy" looks that made me adore him when we first met.

What would be the perfect date with him?

Just us two, someplace quiet, and no distractions. Oh, and with food. We love to eat.

Have you met his parents?

Yup. They love me! Hehehe.

Has he met your parents?

Yup. Well, my parents love me more. Hahaha.

Do your best friends like him?

My best friend has a crush on him. Hahahahahaha.

You Know I'm Such A Fool For You

2010-10-30T15:45:00.003+08:00

I try to be understanding. He's got his finals coming up next week and he's been studying really hard. We were supposed to go for a movie this weekend but he wanted to study so I said okay. Last week, he had his FYP and presentation. For the past two weekends he's had this autocad course.

It's not like I haven't seen him in weeks. I just saw him yesterday. But it was just a 2 hour chat over drinks and maggie goreng at a mamak stall and even then, I could feel he wasn't really there with me. He was upset over his exams and I couldn't stay for long because I know my mom's waiting for me back home. The night before we had a really huge argument over the phone. The next day, he couldn't do his exams so I resolved that that's the last time I argue with him before an exam. I should have let it slide. We went out last week but he was down with the flu so we didn't really enjoy ourselves.

It's been such a long time since we had an actual date. I miss all those times in college, when he would pick me up and take me for roti bom and we would laugh and talk all night. Now, whenever I want to see him, I have to check his schedule, fill up the car, drive 45km through all that horrible KL jam, just to spend 2 hours with him. And then I have to rush home and worry about my parents telling me off for coming home late.

Our love is not carefree anymore. We used to be able to go wherever we wanted, for however long we wanted to, and not care about anyone else but each other.

Now I can't even tell him I miss having him all to myself. Now all I can do is put on The Cranberries and Coldplay and hold all my tears in.

Mereka kata rindu itu indah. Namun bagiku ini menyiksa.

Day Ten: Ten Final Words

2010-10-29T23:09:00.001+08:00

Hope you enjoyed this series as much as I did.

Day Nine: Ten Ways To Win My Heart

2010-10-28T19:55:00.003+08:00

Dear boyfriend, please take note.

1. Get me a really cute kitten.

2. Surprise me with flowers, preferably long-stemmed ones, tied with a big bow and no plastic. I don't care what kind of flowers, I love everything.

3. Tell me a song that reminds you of me and why it does.

4. Write me a really corny love letter.

5. Give me something handmade.

6. Make me a romantic picnic in the park.

7. Cook me my favorite dish. I love it when men cook.

8. Hug me when I'm angry.

9. Come to me from a really long way, just to comfort me when I'm upset.

10. Dance with me to a slow song.

As you might have noticed, most of the things that can make me fall head over heels doesn't involve a lot of money. I'm beyond getting expensive jewelery, teddy bears, and I don't fancy chocolates that much. See, it's not that hard to win a girl's heart. Why most men find it hard to do is hard for me to understand.

Day Eight: Ten Of My Favorite Songs

2010-10-27T17:14:00.002+08:00

1. Terrified - Katharine McPhee feat. Zachary Levi

2. Hey soul sister - Train

3. Flightless bird - Iron & Wine

4. Animal - Neon Trees

5. Toxic - Glee Cast version

6. Whatever you like - Anya Marina

7. Strange and beautiful - Aqualung

8. Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

9. Thunder (acoustic) - Boys Like Girls

10. Larut - Dewa

Day Seven: Ten Important People

2010-10-26T23:14:00.003+08:00

1. My mama, Norita Koo Bt Abdullah. Annoying at times, funny most times, and in competition with me to see who loses the most weight.

2. My papa, Mohd Shamsuddin Bin Zahid Sopian. Amazingly, he's not as bad tempered when we're alone together (which is a lot recently, him being retired and me unemployed). He usually buys me what I want and is the reason why I entered nursing in the first place.

3. Nur Ezzura Bt Ezzudin. We've known each other since we were 7, sat next to each other for most of our school years, and is the first person I run to whenever I'm in trouble.

4. Mohamad Asrul Bin Mohd Bakher. We'll be celebrating our 3 years anniversary soon. I've never had a boyfriend who could stand the devil in me for so long. How he does it is a complete mystery to me.

5. Saidatul Syazwani Bt Zulkifli. She's the nicest, most supportive friend I've ever known and believe me people, what you see is not what you get. She should join the group "I may look calm, but in my head I've killed you 3 times" on Facebook.

6. Noor Syazwani Bt Redzwan. We had so much fun back in matriculation, a tonne of memories to last me a lifetime. I really miss you Syaz, and will love you always!

7. Farah Mislina Bt Khairuddin. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Sayang kat budak pendek ni! I promise to buy you a key chain from whichever country I go to for the rest of my life.

8. Surayah Binti Abd Manan. She may not know it, but her lively personality and cuteness is really infectious. I really missed her after she moved out.

9. Ikamaya Bt Mohd Ariffin. We may have had our differences (most of it were really trivial things) but in the end, she turned out to be a really good friend. And like all good books, a good ending makes for a good tale.

10. If I'm honest, I really miss Siti NurSolihah Bt Adnan. She was one of the best friends I've ever had, and the ending of our friendship was simply proof that the root of all misunderstandings is a breakdown in communication. Remember that time in an activity when we had to give out straws to people we love? I do.

You Got Me Wrapped Around Your Finger

2010-10-26T16:29:00.006+08:00

If you, if you could return

Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade

I’m sure I’m not being rude

But it’s just your attitude

It’s tearing me apart

It’s ruining everything

And I swore, I swore I would be true

And honey so did you

So why were you holding her hand

Is that the way we stand

Were you lying all the time

Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you

I thought nothing could go wrong

But I was wrong

I was wrong

If you, if you could get by

Trying not to lie

Things wouldn’t be so confused

And I wouldn’t feel so used

But you always really knew

I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger

I had this horrible dream last night. As if I don't have enough trust issues already.

Cute But Psycho. You've Been Warned.

2010-10-26T00:36:00.003+08:00

Kadang-kadang saya sengaja marah awak. Sebab saya suka awak pujuk saya. Hehehe.

Day Six : Ten Items I Can't Live Without

2010-10-25T22:15:00.003+08:00

1. My hand phone. More specifically, my Blackberry. Not to flaunt, but I don't really need my laptop anymore since I'm using this phone because it feeds my Facebook addiction. Okay, if you want to gimme iPhone also can.

2. Black eyeliner. Haiyo, this one also I'm addicted already!!

3. Contact lenses. I'd be blind without them.

4. Hair products, more specifically, hair mousse and hairdryer. Actually, even if I don't blow dry it'll still be alright but I'm vain, I want voluminous hair.

5. Okay la, I need my laptop also la! Need to check my e-mail and write my blog.

6. Lip balm. I have seriously dry lips. Hurmmm make that a highly moisturizing lipstick.

7. My car. I've had a taste of my own transportation and I'm not going back!! Goodbyeeeee long hours waiting for KTM and being crammed with banglas.

8. The Quran I bought last Ramadhan, together with another book of its content and meanings. I can live without it, but I wouldn't be living well.

9. Okay la, sekali ngan telekung la. Macam mana pulak nak sembahyang kan?

10. MONEY. I don't want to eat out of garbage cans.

Day Five: Ten Wishes

2010-10-24T01:33:00.003+08:00

1. For a better government, one that actually knows how to manage a country and its people sincerely.

2. To be happily married to the man I love.

3. For a successful career that can take me worldwide.

4. For a better future for the nursing profession. This means better working conditions, more respect, better pay, more recognition, and to be upheld as a profession, which it truly is.

5. For my parents to be happy, now and forever.

6. For my friends to never be led astray.

7. For beautiful children in the future who do not test me more than I am capable of.

8. For guidance from Allah SWT, may I never forget Him and may He forgive me for my sins.

9. For me to not cross paths with people who only have cruel intentions towards me and the ones I love.

10. For me to be able to repent before I pass on and may my last words be "lailahaillallah".

Day Four: Ten Things I Want To Say To One Person

2010-10-23T00:04:00.004+08:00

To our Prime Minister:

1. If the proposed Mega Tower is privately funded, then why did you announce it in Budget 2011?

2. I feel personally insulted that you think the nation is gullible enough to swallow all your lies.

3. Your wife is the biggest menace I've ever had the displeasure to come across.

4. I used to like you when you were the education minister because it was you that gave me the opportunity to skip standard 4 under the PTS scheme.

5. Guess we shouldn't always rely on first impressions, huh?

6. I am utterly pissed off that my fellow classmates and I are all unemployed graduate nurses. I even met a few diploma nurse graduates from a private university and she graduated in April and she's still waiting for the government to call for an interview. And yet my working seniors are complaining of an impossible workload where 35 patients depend on 5 nurses and the national nurse to patient ratio is nowhere near its target. So your explanation for us unemployed nurse graduates is....?

7. If you ignore the voices of the rakyat and go on to build that tower, I can guarantee you will be out of office by next election.

8. Some balls you had, saying that UMNO can win the elections even if it were to be held tomorrow.

9. Please take a bus to work or get in the queue of a government hospital to understand the pains the rakyat has to go through everyday.

10. How an old baggy man like you can seduce a pretty model is beyond me.

I am feeling very politically-driven right now, thanks to this particular Facebook page. Please join if you can, it really makes you feel patriotic and opens your eyes at what the government is doing.

"And We Are Nearer To Him Than His Jugular Vein"

2010-10-21T23:02:00.008+08:00

Today, at Quran reading class, my beloved teacher (also my neighbor) discussed with me the nature of Allah SWT. We had just finished surah al-Baqarah and she was telling me that the longest surah in the Quran is the said surah and the longest ayat in the Quran is ayat 282 in surah al-Baqarah. She started telling me about how the Quran was arranged and it's special properties (containing 114 surah and 114 bismillahhirrahmanirrahim but one surah doesn't begin so and that's because it was revealed to our Prophet SAW during the time of war, but in surah an-Naml, there are 2 bismillahhirrahmanirrahim so that makes 114 all the same).

She told me of how the Quran was revealed to our Prophet. That it came from a place high up in the heavens (I forgot the name) and that it came down in the month of Ramadhan but was revealed to the Prophet in stages over 23 years. She also said that that place high up in the heavens is where our destinies and fates are kept, our rezeki and our life journey. (Please, if someone knows what's the name of this place, do tell me)

I asked her, "high up in the heavens? Is that where Allah is?". And she closed her eyes and recited a verse which went something like, "Allah tidak ada daripada tiada, dan juga tidak..." Sorry but I was so awed at what she said and by her expression that I didn't have time to commit what she said to memory. But all in all, what she meant was that Allah doesn't stay in one place. He is everywhere and He isn't a person, He is the essence. I was so amazed and at that moment, a love for Allah SWT blossomed in me so intensely that I began to reflect on my life and how things have turned out for me.

There are many things I don't know about Allah SWT or Islam or even the Prophet. I don't blame my parents because what they lacked in the religious department, they made up in education. I know religious education is important too but you can't have the best of both worlds, can you? And I am so thankful to Allah SWT for giving me the opportunity to learn about Him, about Islam, about the prophets, even if I am already in my twenties. Better late than never.

I have always thought of repenting, solat taubat, covering up, and to avoid sinning, especially when it comes to my relationship with men. But I've always been so scared because I don't know if I can really do it. I don't want to have this really big inspiration one day and go all out, trying to renew myself, only to falter and fade in the months to come. I've seen that happen to so many people. People who cover up and claim to repent but are now tudung-free and back to their old ways. I'm not judging them, I just don't want to be like them. God only gives you 3 chances to repent before your heart closes forever. I do not want to use up my 3 chances, God knows I have so many sins to repent for.

Me and Asrul had this talk a while back and we decided that after we marry (insyaAllah), we will repent together and perform solat taubat and try our best to be the best Muslim we can. Yes, I know we can't wait till we're old to repent. Life doesn't work that way because life may end at any time. I pray all the time for us to be given the chance to repent and make up for our sins together and for Allah SWT to never leave me, even though I know He never will.

You may leave Islam but Islam will never leave you.

Most non-believers (especially those in the West) think Islam is a religion of oppression and violence. Whenever I think of this, I am reminded of an ayat in surah al-Baqarah which means, they are deaf, dumb, and blind, they will not return (to the path). It is also said that only Allah SWT may choose who shall He guide and who He shall not and I am forever thankful that Allah has guided my mother before me and has never left me, however far I might have strayed.

Some may question the existence of God, let alone believe in the Islamic concept of monotheism. I have met people who don't believe in god and while they were bombarding me with all sorts of questions to disprove me of belief in god by giving evidence of injustice, all I could think of was, "if you, a human, can see that it is unfair, what more in the eyes of God?".

And we have to be humbled and accept the fact that not everything requires an answer. Not being able to answer is not a sign of weakness or doubt. It simply means that Allah SWT knows what we know not and He has His reasons for revealing what He has revealed and what He has not.

Have faith in Allah SWT and He will have faith in you.

Except those who repent and make amends and openly declare (the truth) to them I turn; for I am Oft-Returning Most merciful - Al Baqarah 2 : 160

Day Three : Ten Things I Hate

2010-10-21T20:14:00.002+08:00

1. Cicak!! I may be an animal lover but this THING isn't an animal to me.

2. Over-modified cars. I'm talking about Kancil cars with loud exhaust pipes, cars with over the top decor and I just can't stand the sight of a spoiler. Yes, its name serves a purpose. It does spoil a car.

3. Taking out the trash. Because my rubbish bin is filled with hiding cicaks.

4. Chinese herbal tea. I can't stand the smell!!

5. When the heroine in a movie is fugly. Read : Charlie St Cloud.

6. Cats who are sombong. I only want to say hi and give you a treat, why are you being such a bitch?

7. The fact that my eyelashes are so short, I might as well not have any.

8. Hair bands that look great but hurt after wearing it for a half hour. What a waste of 50 bucks (yes, that's how much a hair band will cost you these days).

9. Books that are so fictitious, that they require you to travel through time (The Time Traveler's Wife) or to another place way out there (A Place Called Here). My imagination died when I was 12.

10. Maths. Enough said.

Day Two: Ten Things I Love

2010-10-20T23:32:00.004+08:00

1. Accessories. Necklaces, bangles and rings are my favorite. I don't really wear earrings unless it's a special occasion.

2. Charms for my charm bracelet.

3. Books. I love both fiction and non-fiction, especially if it has courtroom scenes, I really don't know why I love all this law and order stuff.

4. Handbags! Because I don't think I have as many as everyone else. Mana boleh kalah!

5. Skirts and dresses. I think they're special because they were made especially for girls.

6. All those little hangers shaped like dolls and little furniture with openings, made for keeping accessories. I purposely keep my dressing table messy in the hope that people might see it and buy those stuff for me to get organized.

7. Hair products. Hair dye, mousse, straightening cream, treatment packets, hair curlers and irons, leave-on conditioners. Whoever came up with the line "effortlessly beautiful", has never been behind the scenes.

8. Make-up. I don't wear much make-up unless it's for a dinner or something but I just love collecting make-up, I have no idea why. Maybe it's the packaging and cute colors? On usual days I'd just put on some lipstick, eyeliner, and baby powder and I'm good to go.

9. My collection of cards on my birthdays, aidilfitri, valentine's (most of them are from Ezzura, hahaha), and even a thank you note from a student I facilitated way back when. I have them all in a box under my bedside table and plan to put them all up on a cork board when I get my own place.

10. A book of love letters Asrul wrote while I was away in London for 2 months last year. It was a book he wrote in whenever he missed me and it would be one of the 3 things I would take with me if my house was on fire.

Day One: Ten Things About Me

2010-10-19T20:16:00.002+08:00

1. I hated sushi until I graduated high school and found a part-time job with Ezzura at Sushi King. Free sushi everyday for 3 months has converted me into a sushi lover for life.

2. I love strawberries. The fruit, shake, smoothie, ice cream, lip balm, perfume, body butter, you name it, I love it.

3. I can't look people in the eye and lie with a straight face. I just can't. I wish I could.

4. I get really pissed off when people piss my friends off. More likely than not, I'd charge into the battlefield with a sword and no armor.

5. I know Carrefour is pronounced "car-fu" and Ikea "i-kea" but I just can't be bothered to sound so snobbish when everyone says it the wrong way. If you can't beat them, join them.

6. I've had 4 pet cats my whole life. Cindy was my first when I got her when I was 3. Then she had 8 kittens and we kept one named Tom who had grey fur and blue eyes. Then I had a black Persian for a while whose name was Cinder. And my last one was my baby Teddy. I currently have no cats and can't wait to have enough money to buy one.

7. I used to be a really tomboyish girl who played with boys, played football, raced Tamiyas and climbed trees.

8. My babysitter used to be Nora Danish's mom. She said I was the bully of all the kids she babysat and my older brother would run to me for protection.

9. Horror movies scare the shit out of me, even if they're really stupid and most people would laugh watching it. Even so, I love watching horror movies and giving myself a good scare.

10. I would never, ever date a guy more beautiful than me. I like the spotlight, thank you.

Ten Things

2010-10-19T20:09:00.001+08:00

Found this on Ezzura's blog and I wanna do it too. Teheee.

day one: ten things about you

day two: ten things you love

day three: ten things you hate

day four: ten things you want to say to one person

day five: ten wishes

day six: ten items you can’t live without

day seven: ten important people

day eight: ten of your favourite songs

day nine: ten ways to win your heart

day ten: ten final words

And I'm In Love

2010-10-18T22:47:00.003+08:00

You, by the light

Is the greatest find

In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side

And this could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse
Than knowing you're holding back

I only said it 'cause I mean it
I only mean 'cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you

You set it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only life

What I'm Going To Do Tomorrow

2010-10-11T21:50:00.002+08:00

1. Call all the hospitals I sent my resume to last week and ask if I could do a walk-in interview. If all 7 hospitals say no, it's time to got to any nearby hospitals and beg for a job.

2. No1 criteria when choosing a hospital to work in : a hostel or any roof over my head. I don't care if they give me a sleeping bag and tell me to camp out the back of the ward. I will do it.

3. Complete any given assignments ASAP. I'm currently doing one and the payment's quite big (and it's all banked in) so now I just have to finish it as fast as I can and then spend that money as wisely as possible so I can start a new life.

4. Pack my stuff and move out.

One less person to speak to, one less irritation in my life. I've cut you out, and don't even think about asking me any favors or even looking at me for the rest of my life. Faham?

I envy people their close siblings, caring parents, families knitted tight and strong. When I hear about people saying how much they love their kids and can't imagine leaving their kids behind for even a night out, my stomach is in knots because I know that's not the way my mom feels about me.

God knows I've never identified with the term "rumahku, syurgaku" or "home sweet home".

Say whatever you want about me but I know you wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

And if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I fucking hate you, you pretentious bitch.

Forgiving The Unforgivable

2010-09-23T00:31:00.007+08:00

It's amazing how love can make you forgive someone. Simply because you don't want to lose them. Because you believe, even after how much they've hurt you, that they are a good person and worthy of your forgiveness and of your love.

I wasn't just the victim in my past love chapters. Many a time, I was also the villain. Maybe it was my insecurities playing up, or just sheer boredom, or curiosity that made me test the waters.

Unfortunately, some of my weaknesses still haunt me. But I don't ever want to hurt Asrul the way I hurt other people in my past life. It was mostly a game to us back then; you hurt me so I'll hurt you. I don't want any of that for him.

There was a time, back then, that I wasn't sure if he was the right one for me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I didn't want to truly commit myself. Up till now, I never wanted to truly believe we were meant for each other because if we're not, then I'll just end up heartbroken.

When I told him all this, his response was, "There was never a doubt in my mind that you're the right one for me". It was so honest that it almost made me cry.

We went through all our issues tonight. How I felt back then and why I did what I did. Even though he's told me before that he's forgiven me, it was hard for me to forgive myself.

Because I've never felt this way before.

I've never looked at a cute guy and not want to smile. I've never rejected flirtatious calls purely out of disinterest and not because I was afraid of being found out. I've never wanted to make someone so happy before.

A world without him is literally black and white. Like lyrics without rhyme. I know this because I've lived that world before. I lived it, I tried to be happy, I tried to move on but it always felt like I was leaving my right side behind.

I can learn to forgive myself, the same way I forgave him for his sins and defended him against anyone who didn't have faith in us. I can keep being his no1 supporter in his studies, inspiring his ambitions. I can tweak my future plans for him, weave my dreams around him to make sure he fits into my life.

But if I lose him, I'll never find someone I'll love as much ever again.

It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you.

Farhan Farhana

2010-09-21T02:43:00.005+08:00

Back in matriculation, there was an English Drama Festival themed "To Be Or Not To Be". We were all divided into groups in English class and the best drama would then represent the class for the said competition. My group comprised of the six of us; me, Sai, Syaz, Naza, Yana, and Farhan, the only male of the group.

While mulling over what to write for the script, I thought it would be funny to turn all the girls into guys and the only guy into a girl. And so, Farhan Farhana was born.

I stayed up with Syaz till 4 a.m. writing the script and going over it line by line, thinking of who suited which character and all the funny lines to slip in. It was worth it, though, because that drama won at our class level and went on to represent the class of H6E1 for the competition.

I'm not sure how long the whole competition ran for but there were many rounds and levels, we went through each round and (to my awesome surprise) made it to the top 3. It felt like it was going on for months, there were so many rounds!

It was just the best moment ever when they announced who won second place and we automatically knew we won first place. We screamed so loud, my eardrums rang. It was super super awesome. All the late nights rewriting scripts, choreographing dance routines, constructing props, arranging the stage, finding and designing costumes, it was all worth it because now, we have memories to last us a lifetime. The big bonus is that the memory now includes winning first place.

Big thanks to everyone who helped out with this drama, not just to the people of H6E1 but to others who helped out and supported us, it would not have been possible without the group effort everyone gave.

Sai, saya ingat lagi awak cerita awak bangun tengah malam practice dance tu and roommate awak takut tengok awak menari dalam gelap and ingat awak kena rasuk ke ape, hahahaha

It was a long time ago but Syaz recently posted the video on Facebook and it's got me flipping through old photos feeling so nostalgic and grateful for having such great friends who gave me fond memories.

If you don't have anything to do for about 30 minutes, watch this drama, which I co-wrote and co-directed. It gets me laughing every time.

Farhan Farhana, Part 1

Farhan Farhana, Part 2

I make a pretty hot pengkid, no?

Growing Pains

2010-09-20T20:33:00.029+08:00

This is my album, full of photos from my younger days up till my convocation recently. I intend to get a new one with more pages and to organize them chronologically or perhaps start a scrapbook when I have the time. But this will do for now. Since I love my readers so much, here's a tour of my album and hence, my life.

This is perhaps, the earliest picture of me since my parents' camera was broken when I was born. Or perhaps the whole excitement of a new baby wore off by the time they got to number 3 so here I am, my first photo at the age of perhaps 6 months or so. My mom claims my hair stood up like that all the time, like a permanent Mohawk. Rock kan saya?

I'm guessing I'm at about 8 months here. See those thighs? 22 years later and they still look the same.

My first big accomplishment! This is when I first learnt to walk. And I still have this particular coffee table in my house right now, waiting for my children to learn how to walk around it. Tehee.

My first birthday! Wee~ This was also my first studio picture and by the looks of it, you can tell I hated sitting still and smiling at the camera. The left side of this photo is actually my mom's hand holding me up, telling me not to cry as I was very close to tears (I probably bawled like mad afterwards).

My 2nd birthday! My mom's in her pajamas (I used to wake up freaking early, and I mean so early that me and my brother would turn on the TV and wait for the Negaraku song to start). In this picture, my brother blew out my candles before I could and I cried immediately after and my mom had to relight the candles. I was very garang, even back when I was a kid.

A year later and here I am at my 3rd birthday. My mom's album is full of me with my face smeared with chocolate, ice cream, and, as this photo demonstrates, cake. I was born with a love for food and all things fattening, no surprise as to why I still have my baby thighs. Whenever I see a kid too young to tell the time and yet wearing a watch, I would always remark that I don't see the point of parents buying kids watches when they don't even know how to tell the time yet and here I am, at my third birthday, wearing a watch that I have yet to break/lose/bite to pieces/thump my brother on the head with.

Four years old, at Sungai Congkak with my family and cousins. Saya takut-takut air masa ni. Sejuk!

Us three. Don't you just love it how kids can be so spontaneous in photos? If I pose laughing with my mouth open right now, I'd look like a retard.

Fast forward to the future. Me at 10 years old and my front teeth just grew and no, I am not yet aware that I look like bugs bunny. Poor little me. She didn't know she'd come to hide those huge chompers in each and every photo for the rest of her life. Also, my hair was as bushy as a squirrel's tail, right? I was yet to discover the joys of going to hair salons and Ezzura was yet to convince me to try DIY hair dyes.

Us at 13. I was always tall for my age and look at Ezzura's hand gesture over my shoulder. Patut pun phone casing dia devil. Nanti saya nak cari casing angel. See my peace sign?

Me and Ezzura, now at sweet 16. I would spend a lot of weekends at her place back then and it wasn't long after this photo was taken that her mother passed away. Al-fatihah.

Good friends are hard to find and I have been blessed with 3 such people during my time in matriculation and they have stayed on to be one of my best friends ever. Sai, Syaz, and Naza, may we stay friends for ever and may life treat you all well.

Sometimes I may moan and wince at the pains of life and cry over my troubles while at other times, it may feel like life is perfect and happy and complete. That is the beauty of life. After all, what kind of life would it be if we never learned from our mistakes? Especially when we look back at photos and see how far we've come, it's then that we realize we're all winners.

Not everyone gets to go from here

to here
And from here

to here

It's at times like these that I truly see and appreciate the efforts my parents put in in raising me and the friends that accompanied me throughout my journey. Oh wait, lets not forget

From here
to here

We are all truly blessed, aren't we? Alhamdulillah.

Dirty Confessions

2010-09-18T09:47:00.003+08:00

1. I hate my body. I love my well-endowed front, but everything else than that makes me want to chop myself up and feed myself to the sharks. I've always felt this way, it didn't matter whether I was 50kg back when I was 16 or when I am the God-knows-how-many-kilos-I-am right now. I didn't even realize I was skinny way back then and thought everyone was pretty much insane for thinking I was too skinny. Well, now that I am cute as a hippo, I look back at my teenage photos in utter disbelief.

I'm trying to lose weight now but I know, even when I reach that target weight, after the elated victory subsides, I'm gonna start hating my body again. I really don't know why I'm like this or what to do.

2. I know I can be pretty sometimes but I think everyone else is way more gorgeous than I am. Look at all my friends, aren't most of them beautiful? I know birds of a feather flock together but I feel the ugliest of the bunch. I hate my huge front teeth, my balding hair, my freckles (thank God I hardly ever get pimples) and my super near-sightedness (I'll probably need Lasik in the near future) and how sometimes my eyes are so small, they can hardly be seen in a photo.

3. I can't handle numbers. I struggle with the simplest of maths and it makes me feel so stupid and I fear for my patient's lives. I will always have a calculator on me when I start working. I may be stupid but I do care not to let my stupidity kill someone.

4. Above all else, I hate my temper. My rage is so overwhelming sometimes, I feel sure that I will burst into flames. Which I probably will, later, in Hell, when I pay for my sins of hurting just about everyone I love. When I am angry, I can't listen to reason and whether you try to talk to me or not, everything is your fault. The only thing standing between me and murder is my faith in God, which I will be forever thankful. And also, after I've let out my wrath on someone, I then feel incredibly guilty but will hardly ever say sorry directly to you because I am so ashamed of myself and my huge ego.

5. I do not know how to relate to people. This has changed a bit since I entered nursing, I find it easier to talk to people and smile at strangers. But still, if it isn't in the name of nursing, I wouldn't turn to look twice at anyone and would mostly pass by people without a glance. People who don't know me call me stuck up, I know that and pretend not to care. But really. I find it difficult to make friends in a new environment. I just don't know the right things to say.

6. I have a strained relationship with my family. Enough said.

7. I have countless ex-boyfriends. Most of them was when I was a teenager and was trying to find comfort in a very lonely world. I really don't know who to blame but if you don't know my story, don't judge me just yet. I got cheated a lot and most of them left me and those who stayed, I left them for those who didn't. There were those who were abusive, there were those who lied with every single word they spoke, there were those who wanted me just to get their friends jealous. I've had too much of my share of rotten guys that I am amazed sometimes, of how I can still fall in love over and over again. Stupid much?

I know I have many things to be thankful for. Material things, as well as natural God given gifts that I have. I know that some of my good friends may counter what I say here with things that they love about me. But you know what? The truth is, I am so insecure that I'm practically keeping my arms around me just to keep myself from falling apart.

I know it's my fault for never being able to believe that you love me and only me. Given my history, my roots, my beliefs about myself, I really don't know what else to believe. How can you love someone like me without having the slightest itch for someone else?

I've had a rough night. I know that when I see him later today, I'll probably start crying all over again.

And I know right now I sound like someone who is in deep need of counselling.

Prayer For The Best I've Ever Had

2010-09-16T15:28:00.004+08:00

Ya Allah, jadikanlah dia, Mohamad Asrul, dikasihi pada hati-hati mereka yang beriman dan gembirakanlah dia, Mohamad Asrul, dengan kekayaan sehingga seratus dua puluh kebaikan. Allah adalah sebaik-baik pemelihara dan Dia amat mengasihi daripada segala-galanya.

Aminn.

Flightless Bird

2010-09-14T22:54:00.001+08:00

When I get married, I want my wedding video to be made with this song.

"Advice From Your Mama"

2010-09-06T20:35:00.004+08:00

The Victor

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

-C.W. Longenecker-

This arrived in my e-mail today, from my mom, with the above title. Together with the following message :

Wishing all our children success and happiness! That life will treat u well most of the time, if not all.

Love,

Mama & Papa

Since I gave my mom my e-mail address a few days ago, she's been bombarding me with forwarded messages, mostly about general safety and once, on how to escape in case I got kidnapped.

But I love this e-mail the best.

Wedding Dreams

2010-09-05T21:00:00.006+08:00

1. The nikah

I want to be married at home. I already have a vision, of the living room all cleared up and decked with light pink roses in vases, balls of pink roses hanging from the ceiling, 2 huge nikah pillows in the middle of the room and a Quran right next to one of the pillows.

I want him to khatam Quran before we are married, so he'll have to start reading a year or so before and on the wedding day, I want him to read aloud the last page to the imam, my parents, family and friends.

I want my whole family there, both sides, Malay and Chinese. I'll be wearing a light pink dress with flowers in my hair, my nails and toenails will be covered in inai, Ezzura will be by my side, holding a whole box of tissues that I'll probably finish within the first hour.

As soon as we're pronounced husband and wife, I'll kiss his hands in respect and he'll kiss my forehead with love and then there will be a whole lot of crying and hugging, and after all that, I want to take those corny pictures of us on the bridal bed.

Which is, in my imagination, the bed I am currently sitting on in my room right now.

I already have a double bed but I'll probably buy a wooden bed frame, a cheap one (the expensive 4 poster bed is for our very own place later on). I want pink roses scattered on my bed which will be wearing brand new white wedding sheets with a sheer veil above it. I'll decorate the bridal room with lots and lots of our pictures as a dating couple, just as a reminder of how far we've come.

2. The reception

I came across this reception at Tasik Titiwangsa a while back with Asrul. It's gorgeous, isn't it? I was so taken by it, that I want my wedding to be here at Tasik Titiwangsa. Except that I'll probably have it open-aired with dim lights and candles and lanterns and a live band. With real red roses at every table and on the wedding dais. It will be a white themed reception, with lots and lots of red roses, including the bridal bouquet (but I'll probably add something special to the bouquet to make it, well, special).

The wedding cake? Here I will have to pause and be pissed off for a while. I actually came across a wedding cake in Strudels MidValley and fell immediately in love with it. It was a 5-tier white cake and it was simply gorgeous. I snapped a photo of it using my hand phone with the intention of saving it to be made into a replica for my wedding but, thanks to a certain bastard still scot-free somewhere out there, my N97 mini is gone, together with that wedding cake photo.

I tried to google that particular cake but couldn't find it. No, I don't want any other cake! I want that cake! With the stubborn streak a mile long that I have, I now vow to look for that cake once more in MidValley, snap a picture and upload it immediately. Thank you, creator of Blackberry.

So, no picture of my wedding cake here. But my wedding favors? Here it is :

Wedding cookies! Comel kan!! I want it to be in the shape of my wedding cake, which will be a monstrous 5-tier cake. Wait eh, later I'll upload that wedding cake. I will kay. I will.

And finally, the one everyone's been waiting for...

Drumroll, please....

Isn't it gorgeous? I'll wear red roses in my hair and a veil trailing down my back, it's going to be lovely.

My estimated number of guests? I actually want no more than 100 but let's just keep it at an estimated 200, to be safe. I sure wouldn't want to leave anyone out and hurt people's feelings. But one thing's for sure, it will be a private event, so be sure to RSVP beforehand. I want seating charts and everything. It's gonna be a classy and intimate wedding.

3. The everything else

Bila dah settle wedding dress, macam tak tahu apa lagi nak fikir?

Hehehe. I want my honeymoon to be in Sabah. I'm not gonna demand a super romantic getaway in Europe because God knows I'll never be able to afford that (and I don't expect to be marrying a millionaire anytime soon). So all I want is a 3 day cruise from the Peninsula to Sabah, the only state in Malaysia where I've never been. We'll have to book early because I want to be honeymooning in Sipadan Island. A 3 day cruise on a ship, plus 4 nights on the island (snorkeling, diving, dinner by the beach) and a flight back home to reality. I'm thinking of a 2 week honeymoon but let's see what we can afford.

I'd better start saving up from now cause it seems like a very expensive wedding. And I also want our house to be completely furnished (or at least semi) and ready to move in by the time the honeymoon's over. I'm hoping for a semi-detached house in a nice neighborhood with a good school nearby.

I want 4 kids. And I've already named all the girls. I don't have any names for boys yet but I have a few vague ideas.

Ps/ My mum will probably squash my dreams because she actually suggested to me once, that maybe I'd like a traditional Chinese wedding for my side and then a traditional Malay one for Asrul's side. I'm all game for the traditional Malay on Asrul's side but I very much prefer the open-air, night white wedding that I have replaying in my head almost every night before I go to sleep.

Arrgggghhh. Dah dah. I actually tak sabar lah nak kahwin!

You Took Me By Surprise

2010-09-05T00:57:00.002+08:00

Today me and Asrul got into a really heated fight in public. We went at it at the stairwell and I was ready to walk away for good when he grabbed my head and pulled me to his chest. I tried to break his grip and told him to let go but he was too strong for me. His tears fell into my hair and I could feel his heart beating against my cheek.

Just like that, my anger dissipated. I could actually feel the fire in me sizzling against cold air, leaving only traces of smoke and glowing embers threatening to disappear.

Thank you for never giving up on me, never leaving. Thank you for being the best when I am at my worst.

Think Twice

2010-08-31T20:54:00.004+08:00

This is a common sight lately. Only in some cases, the babies are found cold and lifeless, not crying and squirming like this one.

While I have no solutions to the issue of child abandonment, I do have a few observations to make. For one thing, whenever there are pictures of abandoned babies, there will be comments from people saying "Oh how cute this baby is" or "just adorable!".

I doubt they would say the same thing of these babies if they (the babies) weren't in such a tragic situation. It's very likely that these babies, born out of wedlock (as we assume most are), would receive condemnation and be stigmatized for the rest of their lives simply for being born to parents who didn't know better. Society regards them with disgust and prejudice and yet, when an illegitimate child is disowned, we claim how beautiful they are.

I have only one word for this. Hint : It has 9 letters and starts with an H.

When one comes across a young single mother, whose child bears no name of a father, one would quickly (and probably rightfully) assume the child is illegitimate and the look on one's face would change and the neighborhood where this young mother lives would be filled with gossip and slander.

It's a no-win situation for a young girl pregnant out of wedlock. She's damned by society whether she keeps the child or not.

Though it is a terrible thing to happen, to be pregnant out of wedlock, one can't drop the entire weight of blame on the young girl. It's not just the father of the baby who is obviously at fault but aren't people also shaped by the environment they live in? There so many factors contributing to what happened but all we do is condemn the mother and baby.

While by no means am I saying that the act of abandoning babies (and sometimes even killing it) is justified, we have to think that one of the reasons the mother does so is because she is afraid of the perception of society. Yes, one must be brave enough to accept the consequences of one's actions but not everyone can be that courageous. Further more, the parents of these unfortunate children are more likely to be teenagers. They were stupid enough to get knocked up in the first place, it would take a whole lot of sudden wisdom for them to decide to be mature and do the right thing.

I may not have any answers but I can say one thing, though : Leave judgment to God.

It doesn't matter if someone has 10 illegitimate children or that they're all from different fathers, we aren't doing anyone any favors by being scornful and rubbing salt onto wounds. Sometimes, we are so insistent that being nice means being encouraging, we forget that these people are just humans and that it is not our place to judge.

Instead of being all judgmental and negative, I think it would be better for everyone if we just muttered a prayer under our breath to ease the lives of those who are unfortunate and for those who sin to repent and return to the right path.

I am by no means an angel but I do think twice about criticizing others' mistakes that has nothing to do with me.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle - Plato

Inna lillahi wa ina illahi ra'jiun

2010-08-29T02:45:00.003+08:00

Today was the first time I went out wearing a tudung. Reason being : I wanted to try it out, I've been reading the Quran everyday for the whole month and have been thinking about turning over a new leaf. And I also wanted to go to an Islamic bookstore in Bangi to get myself a new Quran because mine is (according to my neighbor who's teaching me how to read) an older version.

After buka and maghrib prayers, me and Asrul headed over to Times Square because I wanted to treat him to a movie. The Expendables. I know how much he's wanted to watch that movie, even before it was released. We arrived at Times Square around 9.45 pm and got the 10 pm movie, which was perfect timing. When I was paying for the movie, I admitted I bragged a bit. I held my purse open and said "Banyaknye duit I". I just received my RA payment of rm160 and my dad gave me rm100 this morning before he left for Terengganu and I still had the rm50 my mom gave me for my chores last week. At the time, I had spent around rm30 for buka plus toll expenditures and rm22 for movie tickets and rm12 for popcorn and drinks. When I entered that movie hall, I had (give or take) around rm246 in my purse.

When I said "Banyaknye duit I", I had no intention of bragging at all. Asrul even said "Berlagak eh u" and at the time, it crossed my mind that perhaps, God will punish me for my arrogance but I brushed it away almost as soon as it entered my head. When I said what I said, I was actually in awe. I don't know why. It isn't unusual for me to lug around hundreds of ringgit in my purse but I haven't done so since I graduated and my parents stopped giving me pocket money and so, I was quite amazed at the amount of cash I had. And if I'm honest, I'd say there was a feeling in me that said "it's too good to be true".

We sat at the very back row. Seat A24 and A25. As usual, I placed my huge handbag right next to my foot, between him and me. I always place my handbag next to my foot but I make sure my foot is always touching it so I know it's there.

The movie was awesome. We were probably just 30mins into it when I had this disturbing feeling about my bag. Tak senang hati. So I picked it up and checked my phone. Usually, when I have this sort of feeling, it's because someone's calling me but I'm not picking up. I checked my phone. No missed calls. I had a feeling I had to place my phone in my pants pocket, just in case my parents called. But I ignored that feeling and placed it back into my bag and next to my foot. About 10mins later, I was still feeling unsettled. I picked up my bag again and was surprised to find it unzipped. My first thought was "Omg, did my eyeliner fall out?" I've lost 2 MAC eyeliners through my own carelessness of forgetting to zip up my bag.

My eyeliner was still there. I looked around on the floor and found my lip balm. I poked Asrul in the ribs and told him my bag was unzipped and asked him to check if there was anything on the floor. He looked around, even felt under the seat but there was nothing. So I zipped my bag and placed it next to my foot again.

Not 10mins later, I was still feeling unsure of myself. Something kept bugging me to check my purse that was in my handbag. And so, I reached, once more, for my bag. It was still unzipped. This time, I panicked a bit. I checked my purse. The latch was undone. I looked inside but all my things were there. I felt for the side pocket where I kept my cash.

It was empty. I couldn't believe it so I checked again. Perhaps my hand slipped under the cash. It was dark but when I looked, I was pretty sure my purse was empty of money. I looked again to make sure I was looking at the right pocket.

The money was really gone.

I shook Asrul. "Mana duit I???" He was surprised and checked it for me. While we were checking, someone emerged from behind our seat and ran for the exit that was right next to us. I was shocked beyond words. It was only when the door was closing that the reality hit me.

I've been robbed.

Asrul ran out the back door but he was gone. All I ever saw was a black shadow moving towards the door. I was so shocked, I couldn't believe what was happening.

We ran around the back stairs, me screaming at him and him screaming back at me.

"Kenapa u tak kejar dia?!"

"Selipar I putus la u, I nak kejar macam mana?!"

"U dah nampak dia dah, kenapa you tak kejar!!"

We were running up and down the emergency stairs, opening unlocked fire escapes, trying to find the bastard, all the while in a heated argument ourselves. It was hell. There were so many exits. Some led to storerooms, some led to back alleys. He could have easily escaped or hid somewhere.

In despair, we gave up after about 15mins of running up and down those stairs, opening doors that led nowhere. And then we got a bit lost trying to find our way back to the movie hall. When we did find our way back, I entered the hall in tears and he was shouting and cursing at GSC. Everyone was staring but no one offered any help or even asked us what was wrong. We left the hall screaming for the guy to stop, for one thing. And I'm pretty sure the couple seated next to us could hear what was going on.

Thank you, friendly Malaysians. Thanks for nothing.

We headed over to the GSC management, me ready to tear someone into pieces for leaving the back doors unguarded, and Asrul trying to hold me back and calm me down.

Long story short, no one wanted to claim responsibility. GSC brought us to the security office where they wanted us to file a report but when I asked what the report was for, they simply said it was "for feedback" and nothing much would be done. I didn't want to waste my time writing my heart out on a piece of paper that would then be stuffed far far away in some file in a long forgotten office but Asrul wrote and signed the report. I was crying and hyperventilating and couldn't sit still and wasn't going to listen to what anyone told me.

Can you believe that the GSC manager said that there's a sign at the movie entrance that clearly stated patrons were supposed to take care of their belongings and they claim no responsibility to lost or stolen property? And the security guards (the ones who can speak Malay la kan) said that I could lodge a police report and "kalau polis ambil serious case ni" then I can bring my report here and view the CCTVs.

No one helped us. When Asrul asked what action would they take, they answered some corporate crap that I can't even remember now. This is the attitude of people these days. If it didn't happen to them, they don't give a damn about other people's hardship. The stupid GSC manager even scoffed at me and mocked me about the emergency exits.

I am refraining from cursing in this post because I will mention Allah SWT here.

When I was running around the fire escape stairwell, all I could think of was,"Why is this happening to me? Why has Allah forsaken me? Haven't I been good lately? Haven't I prayed everyday for bad things not to befall me and the ones I love?"

Now that I have calmed down, I see now that I was wrong. If bad things never happened to good people, then we will never learn from life. I accept anything He chooses me to go through and I will be patient. He has not forsaken me for I am alive and well and all that I have lost is material things that are replaceable.

And hasn't He said to us that when disaster comes, however big or small, those who say "inna lillahi wa ina illahi ra'jiun" (Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return) and those who prevail in patience when tested are the ones who will prosper. It is He who gives and it is He who takes away.

I have surely failed this test of His. I cried and I screamed and I blamed just about everyone.

I am writing this post after just coming home from this ordeal. I am still traumatized and keep on replaying it all in my head. Everything that could have prevented it from happening. What if we had picked a different seat? What if I had held my bag in my lap? What if I had acted fast enough as soon as I discovered my bag was unzipped the first time? What if I had heeded my gut feelings and placed my phone in my pocket? What if I didn't step on Asrul's flops and broke it at the beginning of the movie so he could have run faster and caught the thief? What if I hadn't bragged about how much money I had?

There is nothing left to be done. My parents weren't upset when I called them, they were just concerned about me getting home safe and my dad said my money and hand phone can be replaced but that didn't erase the events of the day.

I will now go take a shower and stay up all night reading the Quran until I can't read and my eyes can't see and then I will pray for consequences for the thieving bastard, consequences both in the present and in the afterlife.

I hope he gets hit by a bus so that Allah SWT can deal with him.

Nothing Can Take Me Away From My Guy

2010-08-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

Nothing you can say can take me away from my guy
Nothing you could do cause I'm stuck like glue to my guy
I'm sticking to my guy like a stamp to a letter
Like birds of a feather we stick together
I'm telling you from the start
I can't be torn apart from my guy

No muscle bound man could take my hand from my guy
No handsome face could ever take the place of my guy
He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy, we are
There's not a man today who can take me away from my guy

Happy birthday, daling.

The Revelation

2010-08-20T16:50:00.002+08:00

Alif, Lam, Mim.

This is the Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt, to those who fear God;

Who believe in the Unseen, are steadfast in prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them;

And who believe in the Revelation sent to thee, and sent before thy time, and (in their hearts) have the assurance of the Hereafter.

They are on (true) guidance, from their Lord, and it is these who will prosper.

This is, by far, my favorite verse from the Quran.

Consolation

2010-08-09T18:54:00.007+08:00

Quick post while I'm here at Oldtown Kajang.

I did my hair this morning! After 4 grueling hours of being propped up in a salon chair, I think my hair looks pretty good! I look like I actually have a whole head of hair instead of a few strands, for one thing.

And that is the only consolation I have after all my convocation pictures were lost in a faulty memory card and yesterday's trip to the beach where we ended up fighting almost the whole way back.

While I wait for the studio pictures, this is all I have left of my convocation pictures. Thank God for camera phones!

I do not want to think about those convocation pics. Already I feel a stab in my heart everytime I lay eyes on my friends' pictures.

Sorry eh tak komen gambar korang. Tak sanggup nak tengok.

A BIG congrats to my dearest friend Sai, who won the Best Bumiputera Engineering Student! Proud of you, Sai! Gosh, I wish I had studied harder.

Tengok, Syaz! Masa kat matrik dulu asyik fikir Sai ni busy buat kerja apa padahal sama class kan! Rupanya dia study macam gila time kitorg tengah tengok movie hari-hari kan!

Congrats Saiyang!

I'm All Black And White Inside

2010-08-05T22:11:00.001+08:00

August, My Favorite

2010-08-05T21:38:00.005+08:00

I think I've been waiting all year just to get to this month.

What's so fab about August?

Well, it's not just because yours truly will be turning 22 on the 15th, but also my much-awaited convocation is this weekend, plus Asrul's birthday is just 5 days after mine, and it's also the first time in 5 years that I will be spending the fasting month at home!

Yes, it has been 5 years since I last spent the whole of Ramadhan at home and I miss pigging out during the breaking of fast! Teheee. Tomorrow there'll be 2 events for graduates and I'll be going to both, then on Saturday is The Big Day.

Both Ezzura and Asrul have tickets to actually go into the hall and see me receive my scroll as both my parents managed to secure VIP tickets (thanks to my dad's many friends in UKM). I'll be wearing a new outfit of silk and chiffon which cost almost RM 500 (no doubt it will be the last piece of garment my dad's buying for me).

I've been sending out resumes with little feedback so I'm thinking, after Shawal arrives, I might just go job-hunting again but this time I'll aim low. I've got to be more positive. I'm pretty sure I'll get a government nursing position but that will take a few months, so, in the meantime, I think I'll be a kindergarten teacher. I am obsessed with cute kids. But I do hope that I'll be teaching kids 4 years old or under as all that cute screaming gets more annoying as they get older.

Monday I'll be going to the salon to get my hair done! I love going to the salon! I don't know which one I'm more excited for, my convocation or getting my hair done! This is my current hair but don't be fooled, I just had it ironed today for the convocation events tomorrow so, in reality, it looks way messier than pictured here.

At first I was thinking of just straightening my hair and opting for a brighter color (I'm thinking reddish brown) but then my mind went into overdrive and now I'm thinking of curls or a short bob. I haven't decided yet but I'm pretty sure I'll go for long curls. I'm quite bored with my long straight hair.

Oh, I almost forgot. Me and Asrul will be going for a picnic by the beach this Sunday. I won't have time to cook so I'll just head over to my favorite nasi lemak place in Kajang and perhaps pack a few sandwiches. We've never gone out of the city together before so this should be fun.

Nothing can spoil August.

I Am Screwed Up Because

2010-07-29T22:12:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling pretty emotional today. The answer to the why question is anybody's guess, since nothing major really happened. Anyway, they say putting your feelings into words can make you feel better, so let me vent on how I feel.

1. I think everyone's prettier than me. That's right, I'm talking about you, even if the mirror shows you, as a fat, pimple-plagued geek with braces. I think you'd be prettier than me right now.

It could be because I'm still recovering from a pretty bad flu and am just glad no one's here to witness my sniffing and hawking and my leaving a trail of tissues wherever I go. My hair really needs a visit to the salon. For rebonding and re-coloring. But what it really needs is to go to Yun Nam hair care. You could probably see my scalp from 10 miles away.

2. If I told you I weigh 100kg, would you believe me? Well, it seems like I'm making my way there. Today I had 3 slices of cheesecake (there's a whole cake in the fridge which my mom bought just for me), 1 for lunch and 2 for dinner. Had Special K with strawberries for breakfast and sushi for lunch and cooked tofu chicken and steamed vege for dinner, which I ended up eating alone because my parents had to go out.

I thought of going for a jog in the evening but then I fell asleep on the couch with the TV on.

3. I really, really want my life to start. Right now. What do I mean by "life"? I mean working and earning and living on my own. I mean going out with girlfriends whenever I want to and spending late nights out with my boyfriend. Sure, he doesn't really go out at night even when we had the option but you know what, it's just nice to know that you can. And I want my own money and the freedom to spend it and live my messy little life without being screamed at everyday.

4. I hate this stupid flu. I've been breathing through my mouth for 3 days now. It's tiring!

5. I check my e-mail everyday, twice a day. Once when I wake up, and one more time at night, in case someone decided to reply my resume in the evening. I've written to 5 hospitals, waited for 4 working days (excluding weekends) and still... no word.

6. I really regret telling my mum that I wanna join a gym when I'm a working gal. Now she goes on and on about how it's a sin to have to pay to exercise and today she went on about some guy writing to the papers about being harassed by the gym people because he wants to quit the gym.

Tomorrow I'm going to UKM Bangi to pay my convocation bills, then off to Shah Alam to see Asrul. We'll probably spend the whole day together. Saturday we'll probably go catch a movie. Sunday, if my pay is in, we'll head down to Melaka.

Pfftt. I still don't feel any better.

The Excellent Secret Keeper

2010-07-26T23:16:00.010+08:00

That's me with my mama.

Today at my sister's birthday dinner, my sister opened her Thomas Sabo necklace which came along with a charms catalog. My mum was sitting next to me, then took the catalog and asked me to guess which charm she bought for my coming birthday.

"Ma, I want it to be a surprise!"

"I'm asking you to guess only la..! Ha, see..which one you like? I buy the most expensive for you, you know.."

Terharu sekejap. "Ermm..okay". So I leafed through the catalog. She paused at one page.

"It's on this page!"

"Oh really? Hurmm..something with a pearl?"

"No, papa picked a pearl one for you but I said it's too big, you won't like it".

"Must be something with diamonds then. Is it this one?" I pointed to a dragonfly shaped charm, encrusted with diamonds.

"No, not that that one! Guess some more". What a relief. It would've ruined the whole surprise!

"Ma, I don't want to know la!"

"It's on this page, look!". I could see her thumb pointing to a pink round diamond with a heart in the middle. I think it was that one but I pushed the catalog away quickly.

My dad was sitting next to my mum, listening in on everything. "You can never trust mama with a secret".

Note to self : Never tell mama something unless I want the whole family to know.

I can't wait for my birthday!

Being Unemployed Is Kinda Fun

2010-07-26T12:48:00.003+08:00

Last night.

Girl texts : Esok I nak bangun awal la, nak g swimming. Kejutkan I kul 9, okay?

Boy texts : Okay..tapi I taw dah ape u akan cakap esok.

Girl texts : U ni..betul laa..I nak bangun awal la..kul 9..k?

This morning.

Finally dragged myself out of bed at 11 a.m., after hitting the snooze button every ten minutes since 9 a.m. There was a text from him at 10 a.m.

Syg..I kejutkan u dh lewat sejam ni..tak nak bangun lagi ke?

11 a.m. is actually early for me. I sleep till noon most days and I'm not ashamed to admit it cause I see no point in pretending to be the demure, homely girl every man wants to marry when I'm not like that at all.

Besides, I'll be working soon and won't be able to afford the luxury of waking up at noon, unless I'm on the night shift. I don't know where mothers get the energy to wake up at the crack of dawn and clean and cook and wash, but I guess the will of it all will come to me the day I get married. Or, the day I hold my own child in my arms. Or the baby will probably wake me up waayyyy before noon anyway.

Well, at least that's what I'm thinking.

So, my morning mission was swimming. Packed all my swimming stuff and toiletries. I've been waiting all week for my period to be over so I can jump into that pool and swim away the 100kgs I've put on since forever and today...finally.

When I got to the club, it was deserted as usual, save for a few workers who lounged on the upper floor and I silently hoped they would leave soon and not ogle me in my bathing suit. I saw them the moment I stepped out of the car so I decided to leave my sunnies on so I wouldn't have to look at them.

As I approached the pool, I saw part of a sign in red that said ON MONDAYS. The rest of the sign was blocked by the stairwell. My heart skipped and I thought, Damn it, don't let the rest of the sign say CLOSED.

CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE ON MONDAYS

Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

The pool looked crystal clear and sky blue anyway, I just don't understand why they have to close it for the whole damn day when it's so clean, it'd probably take 2 hours to clean.

I contemplated heading over to the Danau golf club at UKM but decided against it because the last time I went there, the pool was green and half the tiles were cracked and covered with moss. Besides, the pool over there is Olympic-sized but completely deserted and that scared me. The thought of showering alone in a huge locker room where most of the lights weren't working made me think of I know what you did last summer.

I don't fancy being murdered naked in the shower so I went home.

Just as well anyway, cause it turned out my sister wanted to use the car for an outing with friends since it's her birthday today. I felt it was awkward to wish her happy birthday up front (we're not that close) so I made up my mind to wish her during her birthday dinner tonight.

Her birthday present has been sitting on my mum's study for 2 days now and last night, I asked my mum if I could see it. I already know it's a Thomas Sabo necklace but I wanted to see which charm my mum got for her. Turns out, my sister found the present on the study before I did and opened it and resealed it cause my mum said the package was open and she thought I had seen it and I said I wouldn't open it without her permission because it's not even mine.

I love surprises and I strictly believe birthdays are fun because of the surprises you get on the day. When I was younger, we were living in a different house in Kajang, and my mum would hide my present somewhere in the house and when the time came, she'd tell me to go look for it and I would get so excited hunting for it everywhere.

I was a pretty good actress, rummaging my cupboard, looking under the bed, going through the stuff in the kitchen. Because I know exactly where she's hidden it. In the cabinet drawer of the bookshelf in the living room. How did I know that?

Because she hides it there every year.

This year, she's already told me what she's getting me. A Thomas Sabo bracelet. I got one for Ezzura's birthday and I was so excited for weeks before getting it, bugging my mum to pick the charms in the catalog, asking her if there was any chore she needed me to do so I can earn enough money to buy it. When I finally did get it, I was barely out of the car before I unwrapped it and showed it to my mum.

She took my enthusiasm to mean that I wanted one too. Well, I did actually, so thanks mama. It's not a surprise anymore but I don't know which charm she picked out for me so there will still be an element of surprise. I told her not to leave my present lying around (like she did with my sister's) because I want it to be a surprise.

My birthday is in 2 and a half weeks and already I can't wait. Yes, I am childish that way.

Stuff to do for today:

1. Hang out my mum's freshly laundered bedspreads.

2. Iron my parents' working clothes. There's a whole stack of 'em in the back room. I'll iron half today and maybe half tomorrow.

3. Watch Coraline and Desperate Housewives I've pre-recorded. In HD! Well, only Coraline is in HD but I haven't missed an episode of Desperate Housewives in almost a month and I just can't wait for the 2-hour premiere of season 6 on the 1st of August.

4. Eat lunch somewhere. I might just take my laptop and Wally Lamb's She's Come Undone and spend the rest of the day in a coffeehouse somewhere. That depends on whether or not my dad will hand me some cash. I busted out RM100 on the weekend, the book included in my splurge.

5. Help out with dinner. We're having a family barbecue tonight, using the electric grill my mum got free with her Treats points. Not sure how much help I can be in a barbecue so I'll probably just stick to making lemonade.

I only had bread this morning and already I'm hungry! I'd better do some ironing now if I'm gonna ask my dad for money to have lunch later. He just asked me why I'm using his laptop instead of mine and that I should get my laptop re-formatted.

He'd go berserk if he knew I've been looking at MAC and Sony Vaio laptops.

Behind Every Strong Girl. Well, Me, At Least.

2010-07-25T00:55:00.005+08:00

Few nights ago, as I was driving home from work, I suddenly recalled memories of an old ex-boyfriend.

I have not thought about him like that in years. Sure, sometimes I would wonder where he is, with whom and what I would say to him if I ever saw him again but I hardly ever thought of all the old memories.

I suddenly remembered how he looked like. A roughed-up version of Anuar Zain, that's what I used to think of him. The first time I introduced him to Ezzura, she gave me the thumbs up behind his back. Meaning : he's gorgeous. And he was. I suddenly recalled every detail of him. That scar cutting across his left eyebrow. He was pretty short, though, I was 15 and he was 21 but we were about the same height. Guess I'm way taller than him now. But he was buff. I wondered if he had put on weight since then and is just a fat, short, 28-year-old somewhere out there.

But I recalled other things too. Things I'd rather not remember right now that I'm sober of all the emotions I felt that night. But there was one memory that stood out. One memory that I have not thought of in a long time.

We had photos taken with his brother's camera back then. I remember, when our picture was taken, I was mad at him about something. So I was sitting next to him when the camera focused our way and I tried to conjure a fake smile on my face when he suddenly leaned in and planted a kiss on my cheek. I was taken aback. I laughed and turned towards him and that was when the camera clicked.

The picture came out with both of us smiling at each other. I loved that picture. I cut out slits on the very last page of my school book and slipped that picture in so I could stare at it all day in class.

No guesses why I wasn't a brilliant student then.

So anyway, all these memories came back on that drive home from work. They didn't make me miss him or choke me up with tears or anything. But it all felt so... unreal. Like it was from a dream. Or a book I read somewhere.

When I got home, I rummaged through my old diaries, looking for that particular ex in my childish handwriting. I found nothing.

Nothing.

And then I remembered what I did with everything that ever had a trace of him. I tore out all the pages of my diary that had his name on it. I threw out all his gifts, photos, and momentos. I wrote his phone number on the back cover of my diary but even that was blanked out.

I really don't know why but it felt strange. To have all these memories of someone who mattered so much to me once upon a time ago and yet have no trace of him left. It was like he never existed. And that bummed me out. He felt like a dream and nothing more.

What's worse was, as I went through my old diaries, I relived most of my teenage memories. I hated being a teenager. All that uncertainty, that self-searching that never seemed to end. The back stabbing friends, the dream boy that was out of reach, the parents who never understood, the constant need to have peer support.

It wasn't a very good time for me. I read about the boys who lied to me back then. Sure, most of the boys I had crushes on noticed me but most of them did not have honorable intentions. And there I was, asking that same question again and again (Does he love me?), all the while over-analyzing the situation and creating my own misery.

I look back now and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Because it's just so obvious that none of them really loved me and, to be honest, all I wanted back then was to be wanted. It's just so pathetic that I feel embarassed by it now.

Then, I came across another book. I had quite forgotten about the existence of this book. It was just before I left for London. I wrote a 3 page letter to Asrul on the front pages of that book and he wrote in it almost everyday while I was gone. Sort of like a diary.

I've only read this book once after he gave it to me when I returned to Malaysia, and back then I was so busy and excited to be back that the words didn't really register to me. I read it properly again that night and could almost hear him saying all those words to me.

In it, he wrote about how much he missed me, how he loves me. He wrote about the problems he had while I was away and how he wished to tell them all to me right there and then. How he would see me everywhere he went in HUKM while he was doing his practical there and how it drove him crazy. How he would never, ever cheat on me. He would put little smileys in his letters, some sad and some happy, even one or two smileys with glasses on to make it look like him and that just made me laugh.

Slowly, hate and embarrassment I felt for my teenage self ebbed away. My need to find living proof of that ex that changed everything faded.

In one of his letters, he dedicated a song to me. I'm not big on Malay songs but this one really touched my heart.

Gadisku
Seri mewangi bagai disiram selautan kasturi
Gadisku
Terindah padamu kerna tak pernah meminta selain cinta
Dialah gadisku selalu
Tak peduli apa kata orang terhadapnya
Aku tahu dia gadisku
Tak peduli nista yg terlempar padaku
Dia tahu dia gadisku

And then I didn't care anymore about the past. I didn't care about the friends who bailed as soon as I needed them. I didn't care about the boys who I thought cared about me and who I thought I cared about.

Because all of that led me to him. He loves me for who I am today, despite of my past. And he is the only one of all the guys I've ever dated who doesn't want to know the gory details. The others probably got a cheap thrill out of it. But not Asrul. He can't stand the thought of me loving anyone before him.

But I think most of who I am today was shaped by my teenage experience, however horrible it was. It taught me many valuable lessons and though I am not proud of what I did, I most definitely would not wish my past to be any different. Well, I might tweak a few boring bits but that's all.

I have come so far since then. That girl writing in those diaries, she seems almost unrecognizable to me.

And that epic love story I thought I had? Turns out it's just beginning.

When's Life Gonna Start?

2010-07-23T01:47:00.004+08:00

I've been really emotional lately.

Well, more than usual anyway. I don't know if it's the part-time job or the raging hormones (I was 2 weeks late this month, yet again), or just me being too worried about my future, as always.

Graduation isn't even here yet but here I am, worried that I'll be one of those graduates with nowhere to go. Every time I hear the term "nursing shortage", I just want to laugh.

Nursing shortage, you say?

"Hello, Prince Court, may I please inquire about available nursing positions?"

"I'm sorry, we don't have any vacancies right now but send in your resume anyway".

Okay. So I did.

"Hello, HUKM, may I please inquire about available nursing positions?"

"I'm sorry, we don't have any nursing positions available right now but feel free to fill up the application form".

So I did. Well, halfway anyway, my black ink pen died on me right in the middle of the form and I have yet to find another black ink pen. I'm not too hopeful on HUKM anyway, because they're offering diploma pay.

The day I take up a nursing job with a diploma pay is the day I grit my teeth and slap myself for not taking that stupid JPA scholarship because I was too damn lazy.

You know what? This is gonna sound soooooo cocky and full of myself but I'm gonna say it anyway because I am so anxious to get a job right now.

I know I'm a good nurse who deserves the U41 pay that I've worked my ass off for the past 4 years to get. I know I can make a difference in nursing, because I love this profession and will not settle for anything less than the respect and dignity that nursing deserves. I want to see this beloved profession of mine grow and be empowered and I want to be a part of that process. The fact that I can't even secure a nursing job, (and not just any nursing job, I'm a picky person because I want a place with potential to grow, not a dead end job that will keep me hidden in a ward as I grow sideways) just kills me.

Because I know I can do better than some nurses who don't even want to be in the profession. Who are getting along day by day just for the money and doing a mediocre job.

I'm not saying all nurses are like this, but I'm sure you've come across or at least heard of nurses like this.

It kills me that they are in the profession but I'm not.

I know I'm being stupid because I've hardly graduated but I hate waiting around for life to happen. As you all probably know by now, I'm not a very patient person.

Moving Day

2010-06-24T00:10:00.005+08:00

Today :

1. Sat for the Nursing Board exam at 9 a.m. and finished at 11.30 a.m. How was it? Let's just say I've had worse.

2. Had a talk from Takaful Insurance on yada yada yada. What was that again? Sorry, I was listening but wasn't interested. So I checked out early.

3. Visited Kak Mas at the Gynae ward as she's pregnant with no 2 but coming down with hyperemesis. That's just a fancy word for excessive vomiting.

4. Had lunch in college, fell asleep for a half hour after that.

5. Went out to MidValley with Asrul around 4 p.m., finally bought that thing I've been dying to buy. I wanted to shop for a pair of shoes for my convocation after that but none of the shoes stood out for me so I didn't get any.

And while we're at it, let me just say that it is beyond ridiculous for Vincci to price their shoes at RM 80 and above because really, the quality of their shoes suck, and I only went there because I thought the price would be as low as the quality but I guess too many people shop at Vincci for them to realize that their footwear suck.

I've had so many broken straps and heels from Vincci, thank you very much, so I haven't been there in a while. Their price hike might as well be robbery. I'd go for Nose over Vincci any day.

6. Had ice mango special with Asrul, walked around MidValley with no real direction, bought a pretzel to eat in the car and then headed to Taman Midah to get Asrul a haircut as he'll be going back to classes tomorrow (Hahaha, saya dah habis belajar!)

7. Had dinner at Penara, their bihun sup is the best!

8. Asrul got 4 boxes for me from a sundry shop for me to start packing tomorrow.

9. Went to the Connaught Night Market to buy myself a movie for my last night here in college (anything to postpone all the packing!!). So we pooled in our money and bought Karate Kid and Letters to Juliet. He took Karate Kid home with him so we're exchanging tomorrow.

I turned to the shop next to the one where we bought our DVDs and guess what I saw was on sale? Sims 3!

Yes, I bought it and I baru je install ni!

10. Am now writing this post.

Tomorrow :

1. Wake up at the crack of dawn. Well, actually Asrul will be waking up at the crack of dawn to go register at his polytechnic, he'll wake me up before he leaves home so I can drag myself out of bed and do the pleasurable task of no 2.

2. PACK UP MY ROOM. Throw out all food (I'm sure they're all past their expiry date anyway), pack up clothes, books, make up, pillows, linens, plates, mug, mirror, weighing scale, toiletries, throw out old clothes and notes I will probably never use again. Carry them all downstairs to the car and stuff 'em deep and drive all the way home only to carry them all out and dump 'em in my near-empty room at home.

No one's home tomorrow so Asrul will be helping me pack up from here in college and move my stuff back home. He's kind enough to be taking the time after his registration to come help me out (because I told him to).

It's not just that I'm lazy with all the sorting and the packing and cleaning and God knows what I'm going to do with the 29" TV I have here (not to mention my ironing board, dish rack, shoe rack, and oven toaster. Sometimes I wonder how they all made their way here), but I have the most awesomely annoying allergy to dust, ever. Just a sniff of dust can send me sneezing for the next hour. Not to mention my eyes will get all puffy and my face will break out in a rash and I'll be lucky if I don't need to be jabbed at the emergency unit tomorrow.

*Deep breath*

You can do it, Azwa. Rise and shine 7 a.m. tomorrow, packing will probably be done by noon and then it's straight back home and after all the moving, I can pass out at around 4 p.m.

That is my very, very messy room here in college. I painted the walls pink myself. Goodbye, room. I have dreamt many dreams, revealed some secrets, and shed a healthy lot of tears within your four walls. You've been witness to my late nights and sleepy afternoons, to friendships made and broken, to love found and lost. May your next resident be better than me and clean you more often. And may you never become haunted, amin.

Just Like Gravity

2010-06-22T19:26:00.005+08:00

I know that you still haven't found you

And when I wanna stand on my own too

Suddenly you start to show signs of what is possible

Then you're back to your ways and I let me down

Tell me why I keep trying to stay around

When all my family

They keep telling me, be through with you

And I know deep down I'm calling time on you, on you

Every time I'm ready to leave

I seem to be

Pulling in the wrong direction

Diving in with no protection

And you can't keep steering me wrong

Oh gravity

Pulling me back, pulling me in

Why you pulling me back, pulling me in

Just like gravity

In Search Of Freedom

2010-06-21T23:07:00.004+08:00

So here's my situation.

The Nursing Board exam is this Wednesday and I haven't studied a single thing because I'm too busy with the World Cup. I stay up almost every night to catch the game, especially when Argentina, Brazil, Spain, or England is playing. Argentina and Brazil has so far played the best, which makes staying up late very much worth it. England's games are so far a real snooze and Spain will have to prove themselves tonight. Me and Asrul will be going out later to watch the game, probably at Dataran Merdeka.

So anyway, my research assistant job tanked, due to some technical problems that I will not divulge right now. So I will be free all through July. I understand and empathize with the problems faced by the researcher but I can't help but feel disappointed because now, I will have to stay home. Now, I will be out of money.

And now, I will be under the reign of my parents.

I have always been a stubborn, rebellious kid. And so, I highly treasure my independence ever since my high school years ended and I entered matriculation in Kedah. For the past 5 years, I have always been able to go wherever I want, whenever I want to, and with whomever.

Don't get me wrong, my intentions are not sinister and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And I do try to get home every weekend or every 2 weeks, the very least. At home, I cook and clean, iron and wash, and all that housework. Just last weekend I washed 4 cars in 2 days.

I don't really mind all that housework because hey, it's just on weekends and the rest of the 5 days in a week, I get to do whatever I want. I can go out for sushi, movies with Asrul, gossiping with Sai, and laugh like mad with Ezzura. If no one's available, I can at least get myself pizza or a huge plate of sushi at Jusco Maluri and spend my day watching movies and reruns.

I treasure my independence.

After the exam on Wednesday, I will have to pack up my room in college and move back home. Home is 45km away in Mantin a.ka. middle of nowhere. It is so deserted that Telekom hasn't built phone lines in my housing area, which rules out Streamyx and my dad's Maxis Broadband's signal is so low, I might as well not have internet.

My parents work 5 days a week, my dad works for just 2 days but the rest of the time he's playing golf so it's just me and that empty house. Oh, I forgot. I have a fish pond and a catfish in a tank. Fun, eh? No internet for most days, just TV. My cat passed 3 years ago so there'll be no cute fur ball to cuddle. I will not be receiving any pocket money so it's very likely that I won't be meeting up with friends or my boyfriend for the next 2 months or so.

My mom might argue my boredom by saying there's tonnes of things to do at home. Vacuuming, mopping, doing the laundry, ironing, washing the cars, cleaning out the fish pond, sweeping the front lawn, helping out with the gardening, and the many, many housewife work that she'll probably nag my ears off to do.

Fine, I really don't mind helping out with the housework (just today I ironed all my parents' clothes, which took a gruesome 7 hours) but, because I'm living under their roof, I have to go by their rules (I've been hearing this ever since I could understand language) and that probably means that going out once a week is hard enough, and no staying out past 7 p.m.

Plus, I'll probably have to cook dinner on most days, and when I cook, I'll probably eat too, so be prepared for Azwa The Gargantuan.

I can only start sending out my resume after the Nursing Board exam results and that will take at least a month.

Entahlah. I know it's wrong for me not to want to stay at home but it doesn't have anything to do with me not loving my parents or being an ungrateful daughter but it's just that I'm an adult now. I'll be 22 in August. But parents never understand that. And I just can't take all that arguing and shouting and negativity that is bound to happen if I stay home for more than a week.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help it.

Nothing Compares To You

2010-06-09T20:56:00.001+08:00

The next time I go karaoke, I'm singing this song.

Because I Am Bored

2010-06-09T18:37:00.006+08:00

Because I am bored, I will doodle on this post like a crazy person.

I am currently in college, all ALONE, for crying out loud. Why did I come back to college so much sooner that the rest of my housemates? Because if I stayed home, I would be alone too since both my parents are working. Well, my mom's still working and my dad's retired but he's busy with golf and some government project he's doing. So essentially, I'd be alone anyway. Granted, I'd have Astro to entertain me at home but weighing the fact that I'd probably not be allowed to go out whenever I want to and come home whenever I want to and I'd have to cook dinner everyday, plus do laundry and have my mom scream at me everyday so, no.

This is why I am at college all alone. Because college has unlimited internet 24 hours a day. For those of you who don't know, my house doesn't have internet, unless you count my dad's Maxis broadband which is super slow and comes with conditions if I want to use it (usually some sort of chore like washing the car). And also, here in college, I can come and go as I please, I can go out and buy myself whatever I want and come home whenever I want. Except for the fact that none of my friends are here yet and my non-college friends are busy with internships or new jobs or exams or something.

I have spent the past 2 days on my bum in front of my lappy, surfing the net and watching reruns of various TV series, getting up only to eat and go to the bathroom. I've been feeling really fat lately but whenever I want to go jogging, it starts to rain and I get sleepy so is that my fault?

Anyway, Ezzura and I have been hanging out a lot these past few weeks and it's great cause we haven't hung out in so long and I miss her!

Last 2 weeks we went up Broga again, then she slept over for my sister's wedding where we both did our nails and hair at 4 a.m., and last Monday we went for a fish spa at MidValley, followed by a classy lunch at Alexis where there was this gorgeous guy who looked just like Keanu Reeves. I wasn't all that psyched about the Keanu double because I was sitting with my back facing him but Ezzura who was sitting just opposite him and had a clear view was melting and gushing like a teenager.

We ordered mocktails (Shirley Temple and Pussy Foot) and she had Nasi Goreng Kerabu and I had Nasi Istimewa Alexis, and I went on to spill all of my keropok on the floor because, believe me ladies and gents, chicken and huge chunks of beef weren't made to eat with fork and spoon. And the waiter didn't even offer to replace my keropok, I thought waiters at fancy places were nicer?

I think the whole restaurant rang with our laughter and people were probably staring but we didn't care very much because I don't think we've laughed like that since high school and it felt good.

Meanwhile, Asrul is on his way back from Kedah today and will probably reach here in the middle of the night where we plan to drive up to Bukit Ampang and eat yong tau fu. Our fight the past 2 days ended last night at 3 a.m after he shedded a few tears and I felt he had worked hard enough to earn my forgiveness so we're okay now.

I miss him so much!

I haven't changed my Facebook status yet because I want to really see if I can trust him again. When, and only when, he has proven himself to me will I confirm our relationship and change my status. Childish, I know, but I am skeptical (as always) but I love him too much to let go so this is what I have decided.

I'm moving out of college by the end of the month and let me tell you I feel absolutely LAZY to pack up my stuff and clean out my room. I think I'll wait till the very last week of June to do all that. Malas la!

I am currently waiting for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of this month, which will (hopefully) be the very last exam I'll have to sit for at least another 3 years or so when I feel ready to take up a Master's degree. Meanwhile, final exam results will be out on the 11th, which is this Friday and I am so nervous to find out my CGPA for the Bsc. that I've been doing the past 4 years.

Okay. I think that is all that's going on in my life right now. I am sitting and hoping Ezzura can come with me to the Connaught market tonight because I am bored to death. I'll probably go alone anyway if she can't make it. That is how dead bored I am.

I have yet to study for my Nursing Board exam but, hey, you know me. I have extra energy to spur me to study at the very last minute.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

2010-06-07T23:21:00.006+08:00

Ever since last week, I have been thinking about so many things. I have become unsure of myself, of my relationship. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I can even trust him. Something happened that made me rethink my choices and if I've misplaced my trust.

I've always had trust issues. I find it very hard to believe in promises and I tend to over analyze situations to detect lies and inconsistencies.

I do not take it very well when someone promises change and then does things that show he hasn't changed very much. Even worse when he's doing it behind my back and then tried to avoid me when I question him and then upon admitting it, tries to find some lame fault of mine and make it his ultimate weapon.

Sure, I've broken people's trust before but at least I know how to be courteous about it and not find some stupid blame about the other person and make it look as if I'm so innocent. I may not say sorry as often as I should but at least I do not fake innocence.

What he did last week, and then something else that I found out today... it's made me so doubtful of him, sometimes I wonder why am I in this relationship anyway. Aside from the fact that I love him (how could I not, after being with him for almost 3 years), I really don't have any other reason.

When I was younger, I would agree that all you need in a relationship is love. Love each other and everything will be okay, you can weather the storm if you have love. But as I grow older, I've found out that love isn't enough.

You need respect.

Respect is what keeps you from hurting one another intentionally when you're so mad at each other. Respect is what makes you keep your promises because you truly believe your partner deserves that. Respect is what keeps you from cheating because you believe your partner is the best person for you.

It's not that I don't have respect in my relationship. It's just that it isn't enough. Or maybe we're both still too young to know how to work this thing right.

Oh, all I can say right now is that I am pissed. I am so mad at him right now. And what a great time for me to find out these things about him, when right after what he did last week made me think of all the qualities I want in my man.

That's right, it's a cliche but I feel like I'm done with boys. I want a man who will stand up for me. Who will be patient for me and protect me from jerks who steal my parking lot. I want a man who can talk to me about current events, even politics when I feel like it.

Just when I've been thinking of all this, and figuring out if he measures up to my expectations, he goes and do something stupid and I find out about it, thanks to Facebook.

I know I have some pretty high expectations. I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be honest with me and to keep his word. And I don't think what I want is irrational either. All I'm asking is for him to keep his temper when we're arguing and to behave when I'm away.

Is that too much to ask?

He goes on and on about how he's trying to improve himself for me but sometimes I ask myself this: If he really is The One for me, then why can't I just accept him as he is?

I really don't have the answer to that.

If I'm honest, I'd say it's obvious that I'm in denial and that we're forcing things to be all perfect and right between us again.

But you know why I'm doing this? Why I can't let go even though I know I can probably do better and he'd probably be a lot happier dating a girl who isn't so high maintenance, and I probably know we're gonna break up somewhere along the road because we have so little in common?

I am still with him for just one reason.

Love.

I wish there was a button on everyone that said "Remove from heart" so you can delete them the same, easy way you can banish them from your Facebook.

Boogey-lizard

2010-05-30T14:02:00.005+08:00

Something really scary happened to me last night. I don't think I will ever sleep in my room again. Heck, I don't think I will sleep in peace for a long time.

For those of you who don't already know, I have a huge fear of lizards. These stupid cicaks, it's not just that they're insanely gross, they're impossible to get rid of and, call me crazy, but it's like they know you're afraid of them, almost like they could smell my fear and are trying to get me every opportunity they get. They stare at you with their beady eyes, they aren't afraid of you and I've seen how they stare at me in the shower.

I frigging hate lizards.

My house is in Bayu Lakehomes, just off Beranang and at the border of Mantin, Negeri Sembilan. There aren't many residents here and most of the bungalow lots are sold but remain empty. I hardly know any of my neighbors and my house is surrounded with shrubbery.

There's plenty of wildlife here, especially birds of all kinds, and my mom's garden is a favorite spot for nests. Unfortunately, nature comes in ugly shapes too and we've had our share of monitor lizards, salamanders, and we even found a live snake on the doorstep once.

Here's a picture of home sweet home

My rival with lizards came to its peak last night. I went to bed early at about 10 p.m. because I was exhausted and awoke at 3 a.m. because...

Something bit me. It bit the inside of my calf. I jerked awake and the thing scampered of, brushing it's furry, squirrel-like body against my leg.

I thought it was a squirrel but then again, it's teeth felt small against my leg and a squirrel would surely leave me bleeding. The feel of it's head and teeth against my leg made me sure it was a lizard but the furry feel of it's body made me think of a squirrel.

I told myself to calm down. It could just be a possum or a weasel or something cute and furry.

So I got up, turned the lights on and looked under my bed. Just as I did so, I heard a scuffle and saw this thing with a long lizard-like brown tail escape through the window. It hit me then that the fact that it could climb up the wall and out the window leaves me with just one image in my mind. And that long brown tail confirmed my suspicions.

I have been bitten by a relatively large, furry lizard.

I braved myself to close the window but as I reached for it, the curtain ruffled and I was god damned sure that it came back in so I grabbed my phone and pillow and ran to the other room which was empty.

I tried to sleep in the next room but it hasn't been used in a while and so was pretty dusty and kept me up sneezing so I spent the night on the living room couch.

I dreaded going back into my room this morning but I did because I promised my mom that I would clean up today and I did, all the while jumping at the slightest of sudden movements. I didn't find the furry bugger today and I will never ever open the windows in my room again, for fear of the boogey-lizard who will jump in at night and bite me.

This is my room. Feel free to rent it.

Because I feel really stuffy with the windows closed, I will be sleeping on the couch from now on, except on the night before my sister's wedding because Ezzura will be sleeping over then, so the boogey-lizard will want to taste her first because she's new meat.

I So Want To Freeze Time Right Now

2010-05-28T00:45:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I wrote so here's a quick one before I crash for the next 12 hours.

I am currently done with all my exams and thesis! All that's left to do now is to sit for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of June and I'll officially be a Registered Nurse. Well, I hope I'll pass anyway.

I haven't gotten down to studying yet, heck I can't find the energy to get off the couch, much less to study. I have gone down to lazy mode and I expect to stay this way until at least next week when I have to start helping my parents out with my sister's wedding next weekend.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm really lazy but I've planned to clean up the house tomorrow as a surprise to my mom. Just as soon as that sweet thought came to me, my mom told me to clean all the fans in the house tomorrow. Jeez mom. There goes my act of spontaneous kindness.

Today we had the last class meeting and took pictures in our nursing uniform and then me and some of the girls went over to McDonald's because we are apparently very rich right now.

I ate like a total cow today. McDonald's for breakfast and lunch, which included a sundae and then for dinner me and Asrul had tomyam. I am one fat but happy, happy girl.

Speaking of happy, today me and Asrul decided to go to the bird park on a whim, and even though it wasn't much (I personally felt embarassed by the fact that it was so poorly maintained yet there were so many tourists, what must they think of the ruined bird park?) I was totally happy and laughing till I had no breath left.

He is so silly, he makes me want to tickle him to death.

Last week I babysat an 8 month old baby who dozed off in my lap twice and I didn't want to put him down because he tends to wake up when I do that so I ended up with aching arms and shoulders on the day of my research presentation. Nevertheless, he was cute and I got paid RM 100 for just a day's work and the mom's looking forward to hiring me again.

And just a tip here, if you're thinking of babysitting, don't do it for anything less than RM 100 a day. Really people, the stress is not worth anything below 100 bucks.

I am now taking a break before I reply to any of the emails I've been getting offering me babysitting positions and I'm not too worried if I don't get them because I need to study for the Board exam and I think I might head over to help out at SPCA any day soon. And I might just drag Asrul along with me.

Alright, I promised a quickie post so here it is. To sum it all up, I am really, really contented with my life right now and I feel equal to the fat, purring kitty that is Puss in Boots of Shrek 3.

And girlfriends, I'm a free bird now so feel free to organize any girl's night outs from the 7th onwards cause anytime before that, I'm helping out with my sister's wedding.

Oh and I expect you to be there!

PS/ I wanted to upload some pics but Maxis broadband is proving to be a lot worse than my college internet and I can't stand another waking minute, my pillows are calling out to me! So I'm sorry but I promise to post pics next time

"And When I Am Ill, Only He Can Heal Me"

2010-05-17T22:00:00.007+08:00

Four years into nursing, I've observed that it is customary to place a patient with dengue fever in the non-acute cubicle -- somewhere far and hidden, only to be seen when changing IV drips and recording intake and output.

Today is Asrul's day 5 of dengue fever. This will also be the 3rd night he spends in the ward. The first 2 nights were spent in the emergency observation unit because his platelet level was average, not critical enough to actually be admitted. This is something new I've learnt about UKMMC's hospital policy. They don't admit patients with a platelet count of above 50, unless there were other complications.

When he first arrived at the emergency department on Thursday, his temperature was a whooping 38.8 degrees. His platelet count was 71 (normal count is at least 150), thus deemed stable and admitted for observation. Within the next 2 days, his fever swung up and down like a see-saw, always staying between 37.4 - 38.8.

The doctors took blood samples every 6 hours, waking him up at 4 a.m. to jab him. He doesn't have a high pain threshold but then again, I guess I don't blame him since they poke him in the same arm, at the same vein, every 6 hours. The vein would've probably just started recovering before it was all poked through again. Plus, the medical staff at the emergency department had a tough time inserting his IV cannula, resulting in 1 jab on his left hand, and about 3 jabs on his right. They were only successful upon the 4th jab.

This morning his platelet level dove right down to 50, and he got admitted to the medical ward for aggressive treatment. In a way, I'm thankful he got admitted to the medical ward because he is now under Dr. Shahrul Azmin, an excellent doctor I got to know during my clinical posting this semester. He's very concerned about patient education, friendly and gentle towards patients, and involves the family in the course of treatment. I'm just glad to know that he is in good hands.

After 4 years as a student nurse, it is only today that I've discovered there is no cure for dengue. Yes, I've noticed that dengue patients won't have anything more than IV drips and paracetamol but I didn't know it was because there's no cure for dengue. I always thought it was because they were stable and didn't need meds. Like I said, they are placed right at the very back, unless they started to bleed profusely, which almost never happened.

Platelets are blood cells needed for coagulation. If you accidentally cut yourself and the bleeding stopped after a few minutes, it's because the platelets rushed to the site of injury and clogged up the cut, causing the bleeding to stop and the formation of a tiny crust or keruping.

Dengue is dangerous because it lowers the production of platelets, which, if severe enough, could cause spontaneous bleeding, thus the name Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever. Not only does it lower platelet count, it lowers general white blood cell count (the blood cells needed to fight disease), and raises hematocrit levels which means the blood is more concentrated, leading to low blood pressure (postural hypotension) and dehydration.

A combination of bleeding (internal bleeding as well), dehydration, and low pressure for the blood to reach vital organs, can cause death. For more info on dengue, click here.

I know the death rate for dengue is very low and most patients recover within a week but knowing what I know, and the fact that Asrul is the type who's always falling ill, I am worried sick about him.

Nurses tend to forsake dengue patients (unless they're bleeding to death in the ICU) because they take for granted that they are stable and most will recover, and I don't blame them for that but just in case, I have taken it upon myself to be his private nurse whenever I'm not sleeping.

He is on 6 pints of normal saline over 24 hours, so I change his drips every 4 hours, change his IV tubing once a day, change the IV plaster if it's soiled with blood, write the date and time on each IV drip, force him to drink 4 bottles a day, including orange juice, 100 plus, and mineral water, buy him lunch or dinner (whichever his mom didn't bring him, he won't eat hospital food) and make sure he finishes his meals (he's constantly lethargic and doesn't have an appetite) make sure he showers and doesn't have a temperature, teach him how to record his urine output on a piece of paper, inform the nurse how much fluids he's taken, make his bed, clean his room, and lastly, keep him company.

He's not much into talking, he seems depressed and it hurts me to see him that way. I study while he sleeps because I have exams till Wednesday. I come in after exams and stay till 8 p.m. because I don't want the nurses to think we're doing anything obscene since he's in the isolation room at the very end of the ward, so it would be inappropriate for me to linger at night.

Ezzura came by today and she brought UNO cards. He brightened up for the next hour or so while we played because I secretly let him win because I know how much he loves to win at games. We used to play PlayStation 2 at his house and he would gloat like mad whenever he won.

"I so hebat!!"

Today, I also learnt how important it is to visit loved ones when they're ill, however minor the illness may be. He would constantly ask me for the time and when 5 or 6 o'clock loomed (visiting hours end at 7 p.m.) and yet there were no signs of his parents or friends, he would then be visibly depressed all over again.

Sedih sangat tengok dia tertunggu-tunggu kawan dia datang, tahu tak?

After he had his night shower and I said let's play another round of UNO before I leave, he played with no enthusiasm at all and did not even smile when he won. I then tucked him in, made sure his drips were okay and promised him I'll be over first thing tomorrow morning.

We both have exams at 2 p.m. tomorrow. He's taking his exams in the ward, all the while feeling constantly tired and not wanting to eat. I'm buying him breakfast tomorrow and then we'll do some last minute studying together. After the exam, I'll go straight back to the ward and stay with him till 8 p.m., as always.

“Be steadfast, may God purify you.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)

Death By Social Isolation

2010-05-15T17:20:00.002+08:00

I am all alone in college. I have not seen my house mates in 2 days, I don't know where they've gone to. Yesterday I studied till 6 a.m., slept at 10 a.m., woke up at 3 p.m.

Asrul is running a high fever and the doctor at the clinic called about his blood investigation and told him to go to hospital. He's got a low blood pressure, I think he has dengue. I feel bad for him, especially since his exams are on Monday (mine too) but, as understanding as I try to be, I can't take it that I've barely heard from him since Thursday.

I have not had a decent conversation face to face with another human being in 2 days. Well, except for the canteen people I get my meals from everyday. And some college workers came in this morning to check on the students, they surprised me all blurry eyed and in my shorts. But besides that, I am all cooped up in my room, surfing, eating, watching sitcoms, and studying.

I want sushi. I want to meet my girlfriends. I want to be able to be a home care nurse to my boyfriend. Instead, I am like this tiny far away island, all lonely and neglected and most importantly, I am so bored that I feel ready to bang my head against the wall just for the heck of it.

Another few days of this and I should be ready to kill myself.

You Had A Hold On Me Right From The Start

2010-05-15T04:24:00.003+08:00

I'm currently listening to this song, a remake version from Glee. Really, if you're not into watching Glee, you don't know what you're missing.

Today, 15th May 2010, is our 2 years and 6 months anniversary. But Asrul is really unwell. He's got a high fever, it's been 3 days now. He went to the clinic yesterday and the doctor took some blood samples. If I have my car now, I'd drive over to his place and spoon feed him some McDonald's chicken porridge and Oreo McFlurry. But as it is, I'm stuck here in college, sleeping and studying. He only texted me twice today and I called him 3 times. He's been sleeping the rest of the day.

We were never big on anniversaries. I remember our first year anniversary at KLCC, we fought and I think it was the first time he gave in to me. Our first year was a mess, mostly because he was such a jerk. But, given time, he opened himself up to me and he's not the same person I knew him to be. Now it's my turn to make a 360 change.

We both can't remember what we did for our 2nd year anniversary. I don't think we celebrated at all. Like I said, it's not a big deal for us, just so long as we remember and give each other anniversary wishes.

This year, however, we decided that we will celebrate our 3rd year together, with gifts and a special dinner and all that romance. Probably because it has been difficult this year and I want us to celebrate our efforts in staying strong for each other.

I already have so many things planned out in my head for his birthday and our anniversary.

To my favorite girlfriends: Please give him some advice on gifts. I think it is so easy to shop for a girl as compared to shopping gifts for men but somehow, men have no idea what to buy for girls. So I'm hoping you girls can give him some insight as to what I like, accompany him shopping if you have to. I fully give my permission to date my boyfriend.

Things I Want To Waste My Money On When I Work

2010-05-15T03:43:00.003+08:00

1. Yun Nam hair care. Years of going to the salon every 6 months has taken a toll on my hair. I need a rejuvenation!

2. A whole wardrobe makeover. This goes without saying. My favorite labels? MNG, Dorothy Perkins, TopShop, Forever 21. At the bottom of my list are Zara and Jaspal. They don't really fit my taste, though I love Zara shoes. I will also be an avid fan and loyal customer of my favorite blogshops.

3. I'm gonna splurge on a huge wardrobe just for shoes. Boots, heels, flops, sandals, stilletos, everything under the sun.

4. A gym membership. My choice would be Celebrity Fitness, I'd even go VIP if I can afford it (salon and spa!). Because Sabah has no top gyms (I did my research), I'd better spend all my gym time while waiting for the ministry interview. Then, if I do get posted in Sabah, I can just do weight maintenance, such as jogging by the beach.

5. Paying for my car. And I mean my real car, not the Neo I am driving right now. I already have a Persona but my dad's using it (and rubbing it in my face every chance he gets) so I can't wait to get permanent ownership.

6. The cutest cat in the world. I'm gonna go kitty-picking with Asrul when we can afford it and even if I do get a position in Sabah, have no doubt that I will be taking kitty with me. I'm gonna pamper my cat with all sorts of things me and Asrul pick out every time we're in a pet store. Cat play things, sleeping houses, toys, catnip, grooming sessions, tagged collars, etc.

7. Room and house decor. I don't really know how I'm gonna decorate my own apartment yet but I know of one item that's gonna be hanging in my bedroom: a photo collage on a colorful canvas of all the people I love.

8. A new laptop. To be more precise, a MacBook. Or a Sony Vaio, depending on the individual functions. I'll have to really pay attention to the details when visiting the retailers to make my choice.

9. A Blackberry or an iPhone. I'm only getting the iPhone if I get the MacBook first because there's no point in getting the iPhone if I can't put in any compatible stuff in it.

10. Health stuff for both my parents, e.g., a massage chair, vitamins and skin products, or reading materials and stuff to keep them both mentally active after retirement. Especially for my dad who's retiring this year, and he's already 66, I want him to live long enough to at least see me get married. Which is way down the road.

11. Lastly, I'll have to save up each month if I'm going to have the wedding of my dreams, plus a house in a nice neighborhood to start married life. Financial stability is so important in a happy marriage.

To my favorite people, don't worry, I promise you nice, cool gifts on your birthdays and special occasions.

So Much Passion, So Little Time

2010-05-14T01:22:00.004+08:00

I have found yet another job that I so want to do during the holidays.

Babysitting. Why? Because I'm not a kid person. I'm a baby person.

Oh the thought of me spending a whole day in some rich person's house, playing mommy with their adorable bundle of joy just fills me up with thoughts so happy, I could float up in the sky like a balloon.

I got the idea of babysitting when I found this blog offering babysitting services. Their rates are RM30 per hour. That's an easy RM240 a day, if the parents work office hours. Not bad, eh? Plus, I get to do something I love. And most parents need babysitters on weekdays only so that will leave my weekends free to volunteer at SPCA!

It's a win-win isn't it? I get the 2 things I love most in life. Cats and babies.

When I Googled babysitter services in Kuala Lumpur, look at the flood of advertisements I got:

I already replied to like, 3 of the posts.

Gosh I'm so lazy to study, yet I have time to surf the net on what to do during June and my resume to Prince Court is all done. The only thing left is to fill in my CGPA and off in the mail it goes.

Perhaps some of you are wondering why I can't just cool my heels during the holidays. Simple. I'm bored and I do not want to get fat. Which is what will happen if I stay home for too long. I need work, I need to have a purpose to wake up every morning.

Okay, I need a reason to at least wake up in the afternoon.

An Angel Whispered In My Ear

2010-05-13T17:47:00.004+08:00

Okay, I can't take it anymore. I want to blog.

Yesterday, Asrul made me mad. I wanted to blog out my feelings but I managed to stop myself since exams are so close now. Few days back, I also wanted to blog about some stuff but I still managed to hold myself back.

Today, I found a whole new life direction and I can't take it anymore.

So here I am, blogging despite the fact that my OSCE sucked moderately this morning.

As soon as I got back from OSCE, me and Asrul went to watch A Nightmare On Elm Street, which wasted RM 13 of my precious cash for a stupid horror movie with an inconclusive ending. Seriously people, if I were given 3 wishes, one of them is to go back in time and stop myself from watching that stupid movie.

Anyway, when we were done with the movie, I decided to check out the job vacancies in the shopping mall since signs of "Vacancies" were plastered at the door of almost every shop. 30 mins and about 5 disappointing restaurants and 2 effed up clothes shops later, I was thoroughly demotivated and dismayed.

Most franchises (Starbucks, Secret Recipe, etc) said to try at their other outlets, some said they wanted male workers, others said they wanted full-timers. But you know what pissed me off the most?

I really don't care for vacancy notices that add "Chinese female only" or "able to converse in Mandarin is an advantage". Though it does sting of racism, maybe it's because of their customer preferences.

But don't put up a vacancy sign advertising a pay of RM 7/hr, even emphasizing immediate vacancies available, and then when I walk in to enquire, look at me top to bottom and say "no, we're not hiring". Damn you, Sakae Sushi. Damn your racism, stereotype culture, and your rude manager with the pimply face and ugly hairdo that I can only describe as a messed up version of pre-teen Justin Bieber.

So long story short, sick of rejection and putting up a smiling face only to get shot down, I told Asrul to send me home. As I was climbing up the stairs in college, I was suddenly struck by a muse.

Why not volunteer work? I can offer my professional skills, do things I've always wanted to do and no one will ever say "no, we don't want you to work with us for free". Besides, I'm only looking to fill up my time for the month of June and I've been racking my brains on how to tell potential employers that I'm only available for a month. Sure, I can lie but I'm really bad at it, I'm 99% sure I'll get caught.

I Googled "volunteer work in Kuala Lumpur" and got a host of favorable results. My top choices?

I really want to work with children. I love kids, especially those who can't talk yet, sleep all the time, smile and laugh for the smallest of reasons, and love you just because you are there. What are those kids called again? Babies.

The short visit I once had a few years back at an orphanage near UKMMC was one of the main reasons I imagine myself volunteering at an orphanage. Bathing babies, putting them to sleep, feeding and cuddling them, who can ask for a better job? And this one time, when we were posted in the pediatrics ward, I got really close to this 9-month-old orphan named Alif. He is the main reason I want to work with orphans. I miss him.

I have a few orphanages in mind but I haven't really thought it out yet because a) I don't want to work in missionary orphanages (you know, the kind where it's religiously grounded because I think it's morally risky, most NGO orphanages tend to be Christian based) and b) I need to choose a place close to me or at least one that I love enough to travel far and wide to.

Second volunteer work on my list is in animal shelters. Main reason being that I love cats and I've always wanted to be a vet so here's my chance to branch out of nursing for a while. Paws looked favorable but it's all the way in Subang, I might as well go to the SPCA in Ampang which is way nearer but I also have several things to think through about this.

Firstly, I do not want to work in animal shelters that kill unwanted animals. First thing I need to know before committing myself to becoming a volunteer is if the facility has a no kill policy. I do not want to get real close to a kitten only to come in one morning and find out that it's been "put to sleep". And secondly, I'm a little bit allergic to cats. Okay. I'm actually really allergic to cats.

The day I found out about my cat allergy was a sad, sad day for me. I suddenly developed this allergy sometime during my college years and though it's well-known that allergies take time to develop, I can't believe that after almost 20 years, I am now allergic to cats.

I am, however, clinging to the hope that allergies come and go. Pray for me, people.

Next on the list is volunteering for Hospis Malaysia. This is where I can really use my nursing skills, caring for the dying, but again there are pros and cons. Firstly, as I said before, this is my last chance to work out of my nursing area for a while. Secondly, I think dying is depressing. However rewarding it must be to care for someone at the end of their life when they are unable to care for themselves, I think I will be really bummed out if one of my patients died. It's different from a patient of yours in the ward who died because you are caring for at least another 5 so you don't get attached too much. Even then, I feel a sense of sadness. I once had to run to the toilet and take a few deep breaths to pull myself together when a patient's relative broke down in front of me when she died.

Imagine caring for the same person everyday and then holding her hand as she dies or getting up one morning thinking of all the things you want to do for the person and then finding out that she's gone? There will be time for tears for me if I delve into palliative care.

My final choice is teaching English for under-privileged children. Okay, my English isn't that good (my mum constantly teases that she wonders how I got Band 6 when I always mix up "lending" and "borrowing" and say "take over" instead of "overtake") but really, when the institute wants a volunteer to teach and not an actually qualified professional, they can't be expecting much, can they? Besides, the teaching positions I've found are for children aged 5 - 13 and another job was at Montfort Boys Town.

Montfort Boys Town is directly behind Asrul's Politeknik Shah Alam. I pass it almost every week going to his futsal games and I've always wondered what the place was for. Now I know but again, I'm worried that it's a missionary. Not that it's wrong to help people of other religions. I strongly believe that humans were all made into different cultures and religions to help each other but... well, let's just say that my religious background isn't all that grounded and so, I'm doubtful about many things when it comes to this sort of stuff.

You know what's the best part about volunteering? That they don't need you everyday and it's your call whether or not you want to show up. So really, I don't have to choose just one. I could do orphanage work one day, animal shelter stuff the next, teach English once a week or so. I might do some research on autistic institutions or spastic centers, so there's more to choose from.

I've never thought of volunteer work and really, I am absolutely not the kind of person who wants to spread love and joy, and all that positive crap but I don't know how, I don't know why, when I came back from that little job hunt today, something somewhere told me that I could spend a month doing something I love and make a difference too. I'll be working soon anyway (I'm sending my resume to Prince Court Medical Center while awaiting the ministry interview) so there really is no need for big bucks right now.

So my calendar is all filled up! When all you can give is your time, why not help the needy?

Waking Up The Supergirl In Me

2010-05-11T12:35:00.005+08:00

This will be my last post until after my theory exams, which will end on the 19th of this month. My hectic schedule only really ends on the 27th but I think after the 19th, I'll be a little more relaxed by then.

Today we had a briefing on our Objective Structured Clinical Examination (OSCE) which will be in just 2 days time. That's 48 hours from now. I have yet to cover all topics and now I truly regret my laid back, no worries attitude towards exams. We visited the clinical skills lab today and it was only then that the reality of exams hit me. If I do not pass, I will not be a licensed nurse. If I do not pass, I will have to come back next year.

Last night I calculated my estimated CGPA for my whole 4 years here in UKM. If I score a 3.5 average this semester, my CGPA will only be 3.38. Pathetic, huh? So I'd better score above 3.5 this semester (which is a tough feat).

My supervisor returned my thesis today, with little comment and minor corrections. Which is good, I guess? Now all that's left to do is the minor corrections, printing out those corrections and preparing the presentation slides by this Friday. I want to get that out of the way A.S.A.P.

My to do list, for now :

1. Study like mad for OSCE.

2. Ensemble all my clinical items and make sure my uniform is wrinkle-free. Oh, I need to re-starch my cap tonight.

3. After OSCE, I need to prepare my research presentation slides.

4. After submission of thesis on Friday, I need to study like mad for the theory exams on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I think I'll read Law & Ethics as a sort of bedtime story before putting lights out every night, and totally focus my daylight activity on Gerontology and go through my Nursing Management notes during mealtimes.

5. After exams on Wednesday, I can afford to hang around for a bit (I really wanna watch A Nightmare On Elm Street!) and then I have to get down to rehearsing my presentation on the 24th.

6. After the 24th, it's time to do some reviewing of the topics covered in the exams for VIVA on the 27th.

7. After the 27th, I have to call Sai and Ezzura to organize some real party and shopping time!

By the end of this month, I'll be looking for a part-time job (probably in Starbucks) for the month of June, while waiting to sit for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of June. I'll be working in the day and studying at night (I hope) and when July comes around, I'll be hopping all over Malaysia with my lecturer as a research assistant. By July I should really be sending out my resume to hospitals for a nursing position while I wait for the interview from the Health Ministry. I'll probably work in some private hospital before going into the government sector. My first choice would really be to work for UKMMC but I heard all the nursing positions are closed up till December and I really can't afford to wait.

Early August will be my convocation.

So there, that's all my plans mapped out till somewhere near end of 2010. I really hope that by early 2011, I'll be writing from Sabah.

I am super exhausted. I'm suffering from difficulty in sleeping, even though I went jogging yesterday. I had to wake up early today and I thought I could go back to sleep after lunch but no, I should get down on my books.

Okay, like I said, this will be my last post until next Wednesday. I'll see you on the other side.

Food That Khairatul Azwa Has Claimed To Be Inedible

2010-05-10T02:12:00.005+08:00

1. Watermelon. It has a weird smell and texture that I can't stand. I've tried it once or twice because apparently everyone in my social circle loves this fruit but no, I can't stomach it.

2. Mee and laksa. These two tastes like plastic to me. I've only had both of them once, laksa was during Yana's birthday party back in 2005 and that was only because her mom made it and I didn't want to offend anyone. The first and last time I ate mee was at Asrul's house about a year back and that was also because his mom cooked it and I was mortified when he told his mom I don't eat mee. I elbowed him to signal "shut up" and ate most of it before pushing the rest towards him when his mom was gone.

3. Lamb. Ha, this one is what I call my pantang. Seriously, I can smell lamb from 10 feet away and I can't stand it.

4. Snails. You all know this one. The stuff that you need to suck out of it's shell? I've never tried it but I think it's gross. But I love oysters, though.

5. Any kind of animal internal organs. Liver, lungs, you name it, I won't eat it. This includes external genitalia. Who in the world came up with sup torpedo?

6. Any kind of ulam. For the simple reason that it's not cooked. But I have recently learned to eat kerabu, my favorite's kerabu pucuk paku but there is still no room in my heart or stomach for ulam.

7. Brinjal, stuffed chili, pumpkin, pajeri nenas. Why? Because I've never eaten it and never will.

8. Coconut. The drink and the fruit itself. I've only drank it once and that was to save my life when I was about 11 and had an allergic reaction to some sort of medication.

9. Red beans. My mom loves this one. But I can't stand the texture. Asrul hates it too but once, when we were barely a year into the relationship, we were having ABC and I gathered 5 red beans in the spoon and dared him to eat it if he loved me and he ate it all in one go.

10. Spicy food. This one really depends on the level of kesedapan. My sense of smell is really making my food choices here so the tastier it smells, the better chances of me actually taking a bite. Believe it or not, the first time I had curry was when I was 15 (also the time when I first had anything masak lemak) and I only learnt to eat sambal during my first year in UKM. I can now take a tiny bit of spicy stuff but please be prepared to serve me gallons of water.

11. Tomatoes. This one's a tricky one. I love tomato sauce but not the actual fruit itself. Wait, is it a fruit or a vege? Hurm, vege I guess? BUT. I do love the canned version of this fruit/vege. I just don't like the slimy taste from the seeds of the actual raw tomato.

12. Chili sauce. This is something that Asrul's been trying to get me to eat for the past 3 years. Once he was feeding me something and dipped it in a bit of chili sauce when I wasn't looking and earned himself a good hard pinch. When I was younger, I avoided chili sauce because I thought it was spicy. But one fine day, I found out that it wasn't spicy at all and it just weirded me out. Feels wrong that it's sweet and sticky. I also avoid those chili dips that come with keropok lekor, if I can avoid it. Which is another reason why I am not a huge fan of keropok lekor.

13. Air tebu. This also smells weird to me. I don't care how sweet people say it is.

I think that's all I can think of right now, though I'm pretty sure there's a whole lot more. Well, I'll update it if I ever think of anything else to add.

If you think my food habits are weird and picky, think again. Once I was listening to FlyFM and they were taking calls on weird food habits and there were people calling in saying they don't eat raw bananas (because it's not cooked) but loves banana cake and goreng pisang. The DJ also mentioned that he doesn't eat squid but loves calamari but only the center parts where there are no tentacles.

So what's your unique (a.k.a weird) food habit?

It would seem that, for a girl who sure has a long list of inedible food, I'd be real skinny but noooooo...

PS/ No offense is intended to people who love the food I have termed to be inedible. I respect people who eat what I can't, amazed by it even.

Oh wait, I've just thought of another one.

14. Yam ice-cream. Why? It smells weird. My nose makes my eating decisions.