I'm very happy for them. I wish them all the luck in the world. In fact, I feel a twinge of envy in my gut.
Because I don't think I will ever get there. I am bride material, I love getting dressed up and being the center of attention, taking photos in loving poses, and going on the honeymoon with the man I love. It's just that, I don't think I can deal with marriage. Being the wife, taking care of the husband and the household. I just can't find that in me.
What is a wife expected to do?
I can cook just fine. In fact, during the holidays when I was at home, I did most of the cooking. I know quite a few dishes and I love baking. So that's not a problem. What about staying home after work and weekends? Well, I know wives aren't expected to stay home but of course, even if you do go out, it would be with your husband, right? I want girl's night outs. I want to spend all day and most probably all night out and then maybe I'll sleep with the husband and spend the next morning snuggling. And I expect him to serve me breakfast in bed. I sure as hell am not going to wake up earlier than him the next morning and serving him his breakfast. At best, I can go to a McDonald's drive-thru and bring home some breakfast or we can both have breakfast outside.
I don't clean. Ask my house mates, how many times have they seen me cleaning up my room? I mostly clean only when I'm going to be away for a long time, like just before the holidays or a class trip that's gonna take me 3 days. And not only that, I hate housework. I despise ironing, folding clothes, hanging out the laundry. I only do this during desperate times, like when I have no clothes to wear or the laundry's piling up so much that my cat wants to sleep in it. And my allergy to dust doesn't help one bit. Oh, it does help when I'm looking for excuses to avoid dusting and cleaning.
See. How can I ever be someone's wife? I'm not a homebody, I hate housework, and I rarely ever clean. At best, I can cook and cuddle. I can look after my kids, but I also expect the work to be 50-50. I'm rebellious, I don't follow orders.
And being in my early twenties, relatives and friends of my parents are asking me that dreaded question: "Bila nak kahwin?"
Thankfully, my aunties and the rest of my relatives, especially my mum, really don't want me to get married too early. They think late twenties is the best time to get married. My aunties say I'm so pretty, don't waste your youth, don't get tied down too early, blah blah blah. But of course, I'm their flesh and blood, they're bound to say I'm pretty anyway.
I'm so messed up right now. I just don't know where to go, which path to choose. Single, not single?
I have this huge fear in me, that is only next to my fear of death. I think I'm going to be a spinster. I'm going to die cold and alone. I don't think there's a soul mate for me. Even if he does exist, he's probably long gone cause I've had about a tonne of boyfriends and not one of them is right for me.
I've had enough. I think, if I choose to be single, I'd want to stay single for at least 6 months. I need to do some soul-searching. Yes, I know some of you may scoff and say "yeah, right" but yes, I do mean it this time.
Like I said. I've had enough.
Kesedihan merenggut hariku
Hentikan sesak di dadaku
Lepaskan aku demi cinta
Ku yakin semua kan berlalu
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