The Big Bad Monster Named Doubt

I have been so sure of my life for some time now. What I want to do after graduation, where I want to rent, what car I'm gonna drive, where I will work, what I will do on weekends, and how long after graduation will I take up a master's degree. When I want to get married, how I want my wedding to be, when I want to have children, how many I want to have.

Up till about 6 hours ago.

Me and Asrul went to a friend's wedding, and I didn't know anyone but tried to make conversation since he's pretty close to some guys and he was quite excited to go. So anyway, this one guy said he's engaged and will be married in January and invited us to his wedding in Melaka. I said insyaallah and then inquired about his fiance, who turned out to be a nurse currently working in Saudi Arabia. He was telling me all the big bucks she's making and that she will remain working there for 2 years or so after their wedding. He was telling me that I should work in Saudi Arabia too so I said I had plans to work in London after Asrul finished his degree.

And then the storm came.

He and his friend started saying things and even though I don't remember exactly what they said, the themes went something like "Hidup sana tak ada budaya", "Jangan lupa diri", and when I turned to Asrul for a little help and said he's coming with me and wants to stay there too, Asrul quickly said he wants to come back here soon after and I was like, I wanna stay there long-term and then the themes changed to "Syurga di bawah tapak kaki suami" and I can't remember what peribahasa the guy said, it went "Hujan batu di negara sendiri, hujan ntah-ape-tak-ingat-dah di negara orang" (which I understood as "the grass is always greener on the other side", an English proverb).

Arrrggghhhh... the only reason I kept quiet while they said all this was because they were older and I didn't even know they're names. Well, it wasn't like they were pakcik kind of old but around 28 or so. I didn't want to start a debate. Plus, I was tired and it was hot and the heat was giving me a headache. At the risk of sounding like a high-maintenance bitch, I will say right now that I do not want my wedding to be a kenduri in the dead heat of the afternoon. Saya sakit kepala okay.

I was sooooo bursting to say all these things to those guys just now but I couldn't, but here in my blog, I can, so here goes, what I want to say to those themes :

1. Hidup sana tak ada budaya.
- I celebrated Hari Raya over there. And even though if I do get to stay there long-term, I plan to return to Malaysia each Raya, I did see that the children and adults alike do keep the Malay traditions alive, even if the children did have heavy British accents and some did not understand Malay. I'm confident that with time, my kids will be able to know and love their Malaysian roots, and I will make sure we practice good cultural values at home. Just because we live among non-malays doesn't mean we have to go along with their way of life too.

2. Jangan lupa diri.
- Ish. Please, please.. I am not that kind of person..! And even though some may say I came home with an accent, which I think is so not true, I will always be true to myself. I don't know, maybe 10 years down the road, you just can't help but adapt to the people around you but no, I will not do things that I am not comfortable with just for the sake of impressing others or anything silly like that. I am not a culture shock kinda person okay.

3. Syurga di bawah tapak kaki suami.
- Yes I know. But I think it is a bit extreme when he said that once I get married, I am free of all my responsibilities to my parents and it will be Asrul who is responsible for both my parents and his. I found great discomfort in this. I mean, I know many people will argue with me but I am and always have been strong headed so I'm gonna say it anyway.
I do not expect him to be fair to both my parents and his. I mean, he might appear to be during most occasions, but if it really came to it, I am very sure he will pick his parents over mine and that's only natural as he's human and his parents did raise him, not mine. I do not blame him for that. I will respect any reasonable decisions he makes and treat him the way husbands should be treated. But one thing about me, I expect house work to be equal. I will cook and clean if he takes the trash out and does the laundry. I will not take any grumbling over having to make your own dinner because I'm just too tired from work. I want a husband who understands and is considerate, a team player. And when it comes to my parents, I will never consider myself to be absolved from all responsibility. And I mean never. Unless I'm dead.

4. Hujan batu di negara sendiri and blah blah blah..
- There are many things about Malaysia that I prefer over London. For example, the food and the people. But when I said I wanted a better future for my career, I was referring to the nursing profession. How undeveloped it is and how the service side's career pathway is a dead end. I do not want to end up as a full time lecturer. I want to be a nurse and nursing I will do. I want to be in the field, not watching from the sidelines. And my mom may never understand this, but that does not mean working shifts all the time. There are just so many nursing positions that works office hours. It's just that those positions (at least, the ones I'm interested in) are not available in Malaysia. I want to work in a developed country, gain experience, knowledge, further my education, and then return home and make the necessary changes. I know it's hard but at least I have the initiative and motivation. So yeah, if you are talking about the development and empowerment of the nursing profession, the grass is greener on the other side. And since I have only been to London, then my other side is London.

There. All out. But I do still have one doubt.

I can see that Asrul is starting to change his mind. The plan was to get married after he finishes his degree and then head out to London together. We planned to get jobs and raise our kids there but the one dispute has been over when we should come back. He wants to return home ASAP. I want my kids to be schooled there because the best universities are just in your backyard. And after that talk with his friends, he said to me that he is comfortable here but will follow me where I want to go and will not hinder my dreams. This was a great contrast to the excited Asrul who just can't wait to go to the places I've been to. The Asrul who would say "nak, nak" whenever I talk about our future together in another country.

I know it's just a plan but being able to picture my future has been of great comfort to me. I do not want a hazy picture. I want it to be crystal clear. I know that it is just a plan and only God will decide it's success. But at least I have guidance, direction, and passion to ensure me that success. And now all I have is a tainted picture. He doesn't even sound like he wants to go anymore.

Oh, and the guy also said that he thinks that as long as his family has enough to eat and be happy, he will be contented. But what I'm thinking is, if you can do better, then why don't you? Why settle for second best when you know you have more potential to excel? I do not want to to end up in a dead end job. I want to make a difference. I want to contribute to society. I want to be remembered. And the best way to do that is to figure out how things are done in other places that can be applied at home. That is why I need to venture outside this country.

Oh god, I need that crystal clear picture back. I hate doubt.

=(