Wrath

When I love, I love with a passion. The opposite feeling is also true for me. When I get mad, it is with a ferocity so strong, I could just kill somebody. And no, sometimes my anger makes no sense to other people. But it is very real for me and that matters a lot to me.

I don't know how to deal with anger. It builds up so badly inside me but how I express it depends on who I am pissed at. As a rule of thumb, the more I love the person I am mad at, the more fiery my temper. Disappointment and rage don't mix well.

For someone who isn't worth my time, the dead look and silent treatment is enough for me to show how upset I am. For someone I have to respect but would rather not, my answer will all be in one word syllables and I'd avoid him/her at all costs.

For someone I love... well, I'm sorry to say I treat my loved ones the worst when they've made me angry. But hey, for someone I love, my tolerance is pretty high. I'd let them get away with most things. Until it reaches a breaking point that I can't stand anymore.

And then comes the screaming and the yelling and cursing and silence for days.

If you try to reassure me when I'm mad, you will only succeed in annoying the heck out of me. But if you ignore me when I've made it clear I'm upset at you, you will only make me that much angrier at you. Yes, nothing you do is right when all I want to do is kill you.

But I have never been one to hold a grudge. The peak of my anger can drop all the way down to the negatives in merely a few hours. I'm a sucker for apologies, as long as you've said sorry way before I suggested it. I do not accept apologies once I've said, "the least you can do is to say you're sorry". That is an indicator that it is way too late for sorries.

As much as I'm a sucker for apologies, I hardly ever say I'm sorry. Yes, I am egoistic. A polite "sorry" is fine if I've bumped into a stranger's soup bowl that tumbled down her skirt, but conflicts with someone I love... it makes you feel good about yourself to play the victim and that you are always right. Plus, I always cry when I apologize. Because real apologies come from the heart. And I hate crying in front of people, no matter who that may be.

I may put up a strong front. I may not look at you, I may glare at you when I accidentally make eye contact. I may complain about you to other people and my heart may burn with hate.

But really, when you are someone I love, that soft spot I have for you... well, let's just say that when you get into my soft spot zone, your spot is reserved for life.