Holidays and The Fatty

Oh gosh I really can't wait to start the new semester. Don't get me wrong, I hate studying like hell and doing assignments but at least it keeps me busy and I have my own freedom living in college.

Home is great but I think it should be taken like medicine. In small, frequent doses. I love my family, but after a while they can just get to me but the real killer is the location of my home. It is BORING. There is no internet (I'm borrowing my sister's broadband and I don't get it often), there are no shops near home, and I know no one. Plus, my family eats a whole lot and when I'm home, I have to eat what and when they eat and since there is nothing to do, I am growing sideways. =(

I miss Kuala Lumpur and all it's glory. The bright city lights, the high-end shops I can't afford and the wireless internet everywhere. I miss being able to come and go as I please and not have a curfew.

On the bright side, I am really looking forward to next weekend. An official girl's night out! =)

Btw, New Moon rocked! But the movie was ruined by a fight during the movie. We had a couple's seat, right smack in the middle of the back row and we spent the movie fighting. Him and his incessant questions. I told you to watch Twilight the night before didn't I? Just for future reference, I HATE people talking during movies. And this includes little, constant comments, silly questions, and simply too much laughing. But we made up towards the end of the movie. I cried, and it wasn't due to the movie, but I think I would have cried if we didn't fight anyway. I really really like Jacob and felt so bad for him when Bella rejected him after Edward came back. I felt so bad for him, I almost hated Edward. But Edward's good looks saved him. But Jacob is sooooooooooo much hotter! And more romantic in a less pretentious kind of way. Sigh~



I love his bad boy looks. Hot gile. Hoho. But I guess this kind of guy would only fall for a girl like me in fairy tales.

One More To Go

Wow.

I can't believe how fast time flies. Only one more semester to go! Feels like 8 semesters isn't very much. Hehe. But hey, it sure is enough! I can't wait to work and move on with my life. =)

The patient education exam this morning was easy peasy. Hahaha. 10 MCQs and 3 essays. The MCQs were a bit challenging for me cause it dealt with the new Bloom's taxanomy when I'm only familiar with the old one. I do recall vaguely of the time the lecturer showed us the new one but anyway, it was nothing too critical. Takde la semua tak tahu. The essays were fun cause it was more opinion-oriented, such as what would make an ideal lecturer, an ideal learning environment, and the student's perspective of learning. Just a bit of critical thinking and I was done in an hour and 15 minutes. Hehehe.

Okay, okay. I have to stop before I tempt fate to give me a C on patient education.

What's my plan like for today?

1. Get reserved tickets for New Moon during lunchtime.
2. Change money into pounds to pay my debt to Theresa and exchange my extra pounds into RM for some extra cash.
3. Clean up my room.
4. Get rid of unwanted notes.
5. Do my laundry.
6. Dress up for tonight.
7. Have a good time with my daling.
8. Do not lose temper over petty things.
9. Pack stuff to bring home tomorrow.

I am only going home for Raya tomorrow afternoon cause Raya Haji isn't really big on my family (never has been, don't know why) and I'm only coming home this weekend to help out my half-sister clean up her new house. And then I have to get back here next week to hand in my London trip report and financial report. Note to self : DO NOT FORGET TO BRING RECEIPTS AND SORT THEM OUT.

I have to get back from holidays about a week early to deal with my research proposal and then start research. I can imagine myself coming next semester with a car. Hehehehe! >=)

My college cat, Baby is pregnant like, again, twice in the same semester. She was pregnant when I was in London so I didn't get the chance to take care of her and then she went and delivered somewhere, came back to me all happy and bouncing but with no kittens in sight. I do not know what she did with the kittens, I suspect she abandoned them somewhere. And now, 3 weeks later, she is pregnant again. Her first pregnancy, last semester, ended badly when she lost the kittens, then I found 2 of them and reunited them but 2 weeks later, she took them out and left them somewhere. I still don't know what happened to the 2 kittens (Kecik and Hitam a.k.a Tammy). And dia tak de meroyan ke apa. Happy je tengok dia. Mata bersinar-sinar lagi.

This cat really needs contraception.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Haji and Happy Holidays!

Inside of You

Just a few words from him and everything's okay again.

=)

I have been losing my temper with him a lot lately and I think he has valid reason to get mad at me. But he just goes and cool down and then call me up to talk things through. Hish, I am such a spoilt girlfriend. But I love him spoiling me. And I love him so much more for it.

=)

I just finished watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall for like, the 3rd time. I watched it because Asrul said he felt exactly the same way that Pete felt when I broke up with him last August. So I watched it again to see what he meant and I was like... wow. Terharu gila. But still, I couldn't get myself over my ego and call him to say I was sorry for acting like crap. I waited till he called me. But, I did say sorry in the end. After he said sorry. And then I said thank you for calling and putting up with me. Sigh...

I really love him for tolerating me. I don't think I can tolerate myself, but he takes it quite well.

Anyway, this is a song by Infant Sorrow, called Inside of You, from that movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I love the guy's voice and the music and the lyrics are just so damn romantic but it can get kinda sexual a bit towards the end but I like it anyway. The guy's voice is amazing.

So if you want to take a listen, go ahead but keep your mind open.



Tomorrow is my last exam paper. Phew~ And then it's off to see New Moon! Yay! We haven't spent some good quality time together for some time now and I am going to so dress up tomorrow..! <3

Marah. Sedih. Kecewa. Benci. Semua la ada!!

Tak cukup dengan exam yang macam haram, tambah pulak ngan gaduh dengan Asrul. Thank you. Best sungguh la rasanya hari ni!

Sebelum gaduh ngan Asrul tu ade nampak poster ceramah agama kat cafe. I don't remember the exact words but what it said went something like this

"Wanita yang paling anggun adalah yang mensyukuri sesuatu yang diberinya, bersabar apabila tidak mendapat apa-apa, dan apabila disuruh mentaatinya".

Okay. Bagus kalau anda begitu. Seriously, sangat bagus. Bila husband bagi something, sangat bersyukur. Kalau tak dapat apa-apa sabar je. And kalau disuruh buat apa-apa terus buat.

The thing is, I am not like that. I'm sorry but I am not like that and never will be. If you give me something I do not like, I will say thank you but I will never wear/use it. If you do not give me anything when you should (like my birthday or something), I will get mad. And if you ask me to do anything, I will ask for a reason. And there's a 70% chance that I will not do whatever it is you want me to do.

I am not a soft-spoken girl. I am hot-tempered and strong-headed. I follow my heart and then may regret things I say but not apologize to you because I have a huge ego. I expect you to tolerate my bad side but I will not tolerate yours.

Can you see what a terrible girlfriend I am?

Seriously, I am going through a really bad phase right now. Marah sangat. Kenapa la macam ni. Kenapa la dia tak faham.

But then again, I sendiri pun tak faham.

I want someone to dig me a hole and just let me hibernate until like, forever.

Byebye 4.00

Omg. Seriously the statistics exam this morning was bloody effing hard. Like, I can't even say the words to describe it. And there I was, thinking that we'll only be asked of the basics since we're not majoring in statistics. Let's take a look at the subject title one more time : Code? FFFJ 4014. Subject? BASIC statistics and research methodology. Did anyone see the word BASIC at the start of the title? BASIC okay. Effing BASIC.

Basic la sangat!!!

Here are some of the questions that made me pull my hair out :

-What are the 3 factors that influence the value of t in a t-test?
3 factors? a)Student yang tak tahu formula t-test. b)Student yang tak tahu t itu apa. Huruf t?? c)Student yang benci statistic dan tidak mahu menjawab soalan ini.

-Explain the statistics model.
Since when ada statistics model ni???

-What is the use of a regression model?
To menyusahkan my life.

-What is meant by the term error in regression?
Error sebab tak tahu pun regression ni untuk apa.

And that is just like, the final few questions. There was 40 MCQs before that and I am just SO glad I asked my dad to tutor me in the past two weeks. I think the MCQ was quite okay, thanks to my dad and the book he lent me. Like, half of what I read was asked in the MCQ. So thank God for that.

The 3 questions in the essay part was alright, at first. I was quite confident answering the first 2 and only 1 question (the factors that influence the bloody t) left my mouth hanging. The other questions about the regression crap was the 3rd question, which held 20 marks. I answered only one question, which was probably 5 marks. I even drew a graph for the only answer I knew, hoping it would make me seem less of an idiot.

When I was in matrics and up till last semester, I did not have high expectations for myself. As long as I got above 3.00 GPA, that would be fine for me. Which explains why I'm hardly ever disappointed by my results each sem, because my expectations are low. But then, 2 semesters ago, I scored my first 3.6 and since then, I have been anxious trying to score an average of above 3.5. And I was so glad when I topped the class at 3.88, something I did not expect to happen in a million years. My classmates are geniuses. I spend all day sleeping, playing games, and fooling around. It was a stroke of luck last semester.

But unfortunately, this led to my parents (and consequently, myself), to expect more for this semester and my final one next year. Oh gosh. The pressure is so damn hard on you when you've performed maximally. You always want to at least maintain the same level or achieve higher. If you don't, you'll feel so bad and people will think there's something wrong with you or something. Even if I score a 3.5 but lower than my last 3.88, it will disappoint me. And it will disappoint me because my parents will be disappointed. And so much more because my dad is a lecturer in statistics and I, his daughter, for crying out loud, will probably fail statistics.

This sem is crap. I tell you, nothing but CRAP. Sure, London was great and all that, but I think it only put more pressure on me to perform better. I am not used to being put under pressure. I usually blur out when my classmates study because I do not know what they are talking about and I'm fine with that because I just don't care. But now, I do care. I do care when someone's saying something I don't understand. I care when people have read things I haven't. And I have a theory about myself that I perform best without pressure or high expectations. Look at me this sem. I actually care.

Which is how I know my results will be so bad this semester.

="(

Thank God I have reserved tickets for New Moon tomorrow. That is the only thing in my future that I am looking forward to right now.

Russian Roulette

I was listening to Rihanna's song, which is the title of this post. At first I didn't get it. Was the song about a suicide pact? But after reading the comments below the lyrics of this song, I understood what it's about and it just made me so sad but somehow, strong at the same time.

Russian roulette is a sick, fatal game played with a revolver loaded with just one bullet. The barrel is then spun and then a group of people would take turns pointing the gun to their own head and taking the chance that they would get the bullet and die. I told you it was sick.

Anyway, Rihanna likened love to a game of Russian roulette. There would be moments when you were wronged and your heart would race madly. But since you play for keeps, you would simply take that chance and sometimes, the barrel would click, signifying that you'll stay in the relationship. Then you'd take a deep breath, smile, and maybe even laugh at your racing heart. But then there would be that one time when things get fatal, you take a chance, take a deep breath, put yourself out there and get shot down. She knows what she's singing about too, having that traumatic time of her life with Chris Brown.

And that made me think back to all those times Asrul would make me so heartbroken, I would cry myself to sleep. But even when I know it's a hopeless cause, I would put myself out there for him, so sincere and vulnerable, taking that chance. There were times when I was saved from that fatal bullet. But I think I was shot once. And that wound is still healing.

I especially love this part of the song

"You can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
Said I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger"

During the many times I put myself out there, I have no doubt at all that Asrul could see how I felt then. Sad, desperate, and just so damn sorry over what I did. But still there were times when he would cruelly hand me that gun. And I would still take that gun and take my chance, because that was all I could do. Because I was just so sure he was for keeps.

Even though we have both put down that gun trying to shoot each other up in a game of Russian roulette, there would still be times when we get mad at each other. Of course things aren't so good right now that we have actually stopped fighting. We still do argue and have misunderstandings. But the only difference now is that our hearts no longer race like before. And when I say "race", I mean the terrible, screaming matches we used to have, followed by crying and screaming of my own. My heart would race out of sadness, anger, and disappointment.

We no longer compete to win in arguments. We try to give and take. And sometimes, I think I do too much taking. Maybe he's the one playing Russian roulette all by himself now? Oh God, I really hope not.

I hope we're done with games. I do not want to get shot down and heartbroken all over again. This song has made me so sad thinking back of all those stupid fights we had. But it has also made me stronger. Because I can now see how we were back then, what it took to make us both change, and how good things are between us now and has been for some time.

I am so glad that we've left all that crap behind us.

I just hope it lasts.

Rihanna Russian Roulette Lyrics

Spending Money I Don't Have

I have rm120 this week. Rm20 goes to watching a movie this Thursday after exams (New Moon!!!) and the rest is my makan money. But since I am trying to put off some weight, I am deliberately starving myself. Besides, I just couldn't silence my heart's desire for this really really gorgeous dress.


Isn't it gorgeous?!! I mean the dress, not the girl. Btw, that is my senior back in Convent Kajang and I bought the dress through her blog. You can take a look at the gorgeous clothes she's selling at http://bubbletroubl3.blogspot.com/

I deposited the money today and will get the dress by this weekend. Gosh, I can't wait!! But, I have to get back down to my lean mean 55kg weight, which was before I went to London and sucked up all the fats. And then, I have to wait a bit more till January when I get my car. No way am I wearing this gorgeous number on Asrul's motorcycle. No offense daling.

=)

Today's the first day of exams and I guess it went okay but I totally under-budgeted my time and by the end of 2 hours, my writing looked like chicken scratch. I did not have time to review what I wrote and I bet there were so many careless mistakes, what with me rushing through the words like a madwoman. Heck, I didn't even have time to think, much less to review. It was all a photostat of my brain right out on paper and it wasn't pretty. I wish we got at least 3 hours. I mean come on, its a 5 credit subject for crying out loud. I don't think I'll score this sem and that's such a shame cause Mental Health is my best subject. I am doomed.

But I am so happy that I shopped..!

>=)

My Life Would Suck Without You

Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
What you said before
Like how much you wanted anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are again

Cause we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You've got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues but you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out
I'm nothing without you

Cause we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You've got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Just Another Girl Phase

What is wrong with me. And that's not even a question, its a statement. Sangat bad mood lately. And mostly Asrul yang kena. I don't know why la. Tapi lately asyik bad mood ngan dia. We're usually teasing and laughing at one another but I don't know why lately, semua benda I terasa ngan dia. And then he will apologize like anything, even though he knows its not his fault.

I'm a spoilt girlfriend.

=(

Tomorrow is the first day of exams. Out of the whole 7 days of study week, I think I studied for like... 2 days? Haih..what is wrong with me.

Today my dad told me he played golf with the Dean. And he wants to invite him to the house some time. Omg. Segan la!!

My parents keep on talking about my future, and how my dad knows this person and that person. I know he just wants the best for me but I kinda want to do my own thing, my own way. I don't want to be successful just cause my dad "knows people". But of course, I don't dare say a thing to him. And today he said he hopes I can pull a 3.88 again like last sem. My heart sank right into my shoes. This sem sucks. I will not make it this sem. I will academically die this sem. And to have my parents hoping on me makes it so much worse to know.

I just want to sedate myself till I graduate.

I. HATE. CICAK!!!

Omg. I never thought this day would come. Again.

I was so happy today when Asrul called after work and asked me out for Roti Bom cause a)I'm dying from studying for 2 hours, b)I miss my daling whose handphone died of low battery, and c)I love Roti Bom!

So he picked me up and we went to our usual mamak where all the workers know us since we first started dating but have never given us a discount.

I ordered the usual Roti Bom with susu on the side and Milo Ais Tabur. He ordered ais kosong. No guesses whose the fatty here. And I just had KFC for lunch. Heeeee~

He was telling me about his day and I was telling him that I might have to go home this weekend when...

I felt something tug the edge of my shirt. At first I thought it was probably just the wind but on second thought, I turned around to just check.

I fully regret turning my head 45 degrees and looking down at the back of my shirt.

There. It. Was. Staring at me. With its head cocked on one side, it's pink body in full view. That's right. From its stupid little head to its long icky tail.

I snapped my head around, covered my face and started screaming. Asrul quickly reached over the table, pulled my hands from my face and asked me what's wrong. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just couldn't!!! Omg. Omg. Omg!!! I took a few deep breaths, shut my eyes real tight and whispered to him, "Cicak". He started laughing. I wanted to smack his head! He got up, went round to my side of the table and looked round my back. He said he couldn't find anything. I told him to keep looking and I don't care if he needs to feel me up. Just get rid of the damn thing!!

He patted me round the side of my waist, brushed my hair and then sat back down. But not before I realized everyone at the stupid mamak was looking at us. Pegi mampos. If you had a bug-eyed creepy crawly icky bastard down your back, you'd be screaming too.

After many reassurances from Asrul that it was gone, he started laughing and said he can't believe I'm scared of lizards. I don't care. I hate all cicaks and their UNrespective descendants. I think it would be a good idea to have a cicak hunting day and smash each one with a shoe. But I won't be joining you, I'd be snuggled up in my bed, door bolted and cracks on doors all stuffed.

One thing I really hate about cicaks, and I know this might sound crazy, but its as if it knows I'm terrified of them. This isn't my first time up close and personal with the damn thing. When I was about 13, I woke in the middle of the night all thirsty, so I went downstairs to get a cup of water when this STUPID, ICKY, bastard fell right on top of my head and crawled all the way into my dress and down my back and back out the floor.

Laugh all you want. That experience traumatised me so much, I never again went downstairs in the middle of the night.

When I came home after today's incident, I had Asrul check and recheck me 3 times before I let him go. I don't want to bring the icky bastard home and into my bed. And after the 3rd time of checking and patting me down, Asrul said we'd better stop having all those Roti Boms cause he could feel the weight on me.

!@#$^!%!%!@@^*!!!!!!

Even now, writing this post comfortably in my kolej living room, every wind blowing my hair, every sudden movement, makes me jump and think of the icky bastard. Hish..trauma betul la arini!!

I might not be very religious but there's one sunnah Nabi that I have been naturally born into : Sayang kucing and BENCI cicak.

Yes, we should be given pahala for killing cicaks.

I HATE CICAKS.

Sekian.

Getting down to work

I have spent 2 days playing My Tribe non-stop and one sleepless night waiting for my tribespeople to finish building a damn tower. I slept at 4 a.m. last night. And exams is in 6 days.

I need a slap on the face!!

Today I went to see my mental health lecturer for a bit of a discussion on what to expect for the exam. And omg. Bapak susa!! And only now has the full impact of the reality that the semi-average assignments I handed in last week had a wager of 70%.

I am so dead.

That's it. No more games. Go and study Khairatul Azwa!!!

And btw, about the past posts on "The Other Guy", I just want to say that I did not have an affair. I did not cheat on him. At least I don't think so. And I don't need your judgement, just your listening ear. Its the sort of situation where if you keep it in all to yourself for some time, you're bound to explode. And I didn't ask for any of the thoughts/feelings I had. They just happened. Some may say that I didn't even try to resist them, but God knows how hard I tried and kept having the "devil vs angel" feud in my head for weeks.

Anyway, just needed to have that cleared out.

I'm reading on OCD now and I must say, I do recognize some symptoms as my own. Haha. Nothing serious though, like for instance, having repetitive intrusive negative thoughts that produce anxiety. The only difference with me is that I don't act out to reduce the anxiety, thus concealing any obsessive-compulsive behavior. Which, according to Wikipedia, is normal.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

As you may notice, I'm currently writing more than usual. Which means I am BORED. I HATE studying. I wonder how my tribespeople are doing..? I haven't checked on them in like, 2 hours. I wonder if they've finished that tower. As soon as they're done, I'm gonna take them out on the Great Ark and search the horizon for another island just so I can start all over again.

Its a stupid game and I'm addicted.

Salvation

I am so glad That Guy is out of my mind. Once I saw him face to face, it was like, snap.

I completely realized how good I have it with Asrul.

No offense to That Guy, but he will never replace Asrul's place in my life. Not that I had any intentions to have him in my life as anything more than just someone I know, but I got pretty worried when I was constantly thinking of him.

But that's gone now. Thank God!

I think I just needed to see him once I got back from London. It's been such a long time. And that's as far as it goes for me and him.

Asrul is just being so cute, funny, and lovely in every way. I'm so lucky to have found him. I will risk being the ditzy blonde right now and say that "he might be The One". Hehe.

=)

I should really start studying. I am way too relaxed right now and then I know when the exams are near, I'll turn into this complete nervous wreck. Seriously, I'm amazed how I'm still ahead of the game right now. Some guardian angel I must have..!

I miss Ezzura. We haven't hung out in ages and some part of me is worried that by the time we do have time to spend together, we'll be totally different and awkward. I miss having the wild nights and long talks that end when the sun rises. Okay, so we haven't really had any "wild nights" out but it always is exciting whenever I'm with her.

Yuck, I sound so gay right there.

Anyway, I just don't want to be one of those people who are so dependent on their boyfriend and can't get back into the social world without the boyfriend on one arm. But yesterday me and Asrul went for a movie with his classmates and it was pretty awesome. I liked having other people to talk to for once but then also having him nearby to pull me out of an awkward situation or back me up when I get teased.

Oh, I almost forgot. Today is our 2 year anniversary! Haha. I guess we're so used to each other that it just slips by. Its okay, I don't mind not doing anything for our anniversary. Having him is a big enough blessing in my life. We did wish each other just now and all that romantic crap. I'm turning into a non-romantic girlfriend, how he did that to me is beyond me.

All I know is that I love him so so so so so much. And that I have to study my brains out for another week. Next semester is my last and I just can't wait to graduate! More importantly, I can't wait to work and earn money that I'll piss out on clothes. Topshop, here I come!

Before I forget, I might be getting a car next semester! Omg, x sabarnye!!!

I'm thinking of either a Persona or the new Kembara model. I kinda like having a small jeep. I want to tower over other little people on the road..! >=)

I am so happy right now. God, please make it last.

Mungkin aku pernah juga merasakan cinta
Tapi tak pernah seindah ini

<3

I will heal through what's left inside you

The title of this post is a line from a song I'm currently listening to. I'm having mixed feelings now that I'm not supposed to have cause life is near perfect right now, I should be thankful. Money would make it better but while I'm at it I might as well wish I'm king of the world right? Life is as perfect as I could expect it to be right now.

I'm ignoring some stupid fantasies I'm having. Get a hold of yourself la!

Anyway, this evening me and Asrul were hanging out at the mamak as usual, enjoying our new-found passion: Roti bom. Serious sedap! Berebut-rebut makan. Hehe. I don't know how we got to talking about it, but suddenly we were on the topic of my teenage years. Which are the most traumatic years of my life, I might add.

People who knew me back then would know what I'm talking about. The bullies, the backstabbers, the jerks taking advantage. I won't say that none of it was my fault. Maybe there was some things I could have avoided but being a stupid, stupid kid back then, I was just full of dreams and couldn't really see right from wrong. I'm saying this regarding the many boyfriends I had. Eventhough some of them were brief and probably won't even remember my name by now, at some point in my past, I really did care for some of them. And there were also those who I didn't really fancy but went along with them anyway due to pity and just tak sampai hati la nak cakap tak minat. Stupid kan I?

But the ones who really hurt me weren't the boys. Well, not really anyway. I'd say the bullies were the worst. And the ones who I thought were my friends but turned their back on me. They were the worst. They were so terrible, I had to change schools. The only people I knew back then were the bullies, the backstabbers, the friends who did nothing and slowly left me, and the friends who stuck by me but closed one eye when I was bullied. Could you really blame me for cutting school?

I don't know what is it about me that made me such an easy target. I don't think I was a loud, trouble-making teen. But you can never really evaluate yourself realistically back then now, can you? Going through my old diaries, I just want to go back to that time and shake myself. To tell myself to ignore those stupid, sad bitches and to leave the guys who never deserved me in the first place.

I still remember the things they said, the looks on their faces. Some used to be one of my best friends.

So many mistakes. So hurtful to look back on them. And things at home back then didn't make it any easier.

I told Asrul everything today. I mean, he knows I was bullied when I was a kid but he's never heard the whole story. By the end of it, he said he understands why I hated school and wished he knew me back then so he could protect me.

I'm glad how things worked out, though. I think I've been so lucky. And the future clearly shows that God is fair. I'm way better off than those bullies now and I'm finally happy.

Years have passed and I think that experience has really made me a stronger person. I don't take crap from no one. And I trust no one. I know it sounds bitter but I just don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

I know he can do nothing about my past but I felt so much better after telling Asrul all of this. How supportive he is of me and how he still managed to make me laugh by the end of it.

Things aren't perfect between us. It can be at times but I just don't want to fully believe it. But whatever happens, I will always remember how he tried to heal me.

Heroes and Heroines

It is 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Unsurprisingly, I can't do my assignments either. But no, this time it's not because I'm a lazy ass but simply because I left all my psychiatric notes and books back home cause they were too heavy to bring with me and I thought I'd get them back over the weekend. And then silly me promised my mental health assignments by the end of this week. I'm so stupid.

Anyway, I'm sorry to nauseate you with my happy, chocolate-dripping, sickly sweet Facebook status lately. I am just so happy. Again, I am not hoping that it'll last forever because one can only be realistic and come back to the earth where guys are jerks at times and girls have to forgive and forget, right? Right.

So as usual, I do not have anything better to say other than about my boyfriend. I am sick of assignments, I don't wanna study for the upcoming exams, and I know this time I'll flunk real bad cause Statistics and Research hates me. So excuse me for wanting to reflect on my boyfriend who is becoming oh so perfect lately.

We are seeing each other every day now. About 3 times a day actually. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I love it that he's so close to me right now. =)

So we were having dinner just now and I was telling him how, in London, I had such a hard time filling up forms because they would always ask for my first and last name. I'm like, GET REAL. Not everyone has first and last names. Asians certainly don't. And England, especially London, is just filled to the brim with Asians, you'd think they'd amended that bit about first and last names. What's wrong with just asking for my full name, huh?

And people there would have me repeat my name 3 - 4 times before they'd really catch on my name and say it right. So, I said to Asrul, to make things easier, we should probably have English nicknames thought up before we go there together. So what kind of English nickname would he like? I suggested Steven (as in Steven Gerrard) and he laughed and said it sounded like a Chinese boss he had some time ago and then he laughed again and said what about Fernando? As in Fernando Torres. Ferry for short.

We were laughing and then he said no, what about I'll be Clark and you'll be Lois? Sounds familiar? Berani mamat ni perasan superman! Hahahahaa! And then we went on naming all the heroes and heroines we could think of: Peter and Mary-Jane, Shrek and Fiona, and then when we came to Batman... who is the heroine for Batman? Seems like he doesn't have a heroine. He does have Robin, though. Does that make him gay then? Haha. So another famous couple would be Batman and Robin. He'll be Robin, I'll be Batman.

After all the stress of assignments and not knowing a thing about my studies and refusing to study, it was just soooooooooo good to laugh my heart out with him. =)

When I got back, he returned the book I gave to him. This is a note book I wrote in for him, something like a goodbye letter before I took off to London. He's been writing in it for the whole 7 weeks I was away. At first he wrote everyday for like, the first week. And then it was once every 2 days. And then once a week. And the date difference between the last letter and the one before it was like, a week? Haha. It's alright daling. I know you can't write everyday.

What really caught my heart was the things he said in those letters, things he has never even told me before. His feelings and problems while I was gone. I felt so loved that it was almost heartbreaking.

I don't know why, but I have become sort of like a commitment-phobic ever since that one time I broke up with him. I still have this nagging voice at the back of my head saying "it will never last". I just don't know how to silence that voice. I love him, but at the same time I have all these fears and a need to be on my own at times but I also want him to stick with me because that small voice is also whispering "I need you". It's just so confusing. Maybe I just need time on my own now and then. And also, somewhere, somehow, I find the thought of ONE man for the rest of my life kinda scary. I mean, how do you know that's the right one? What if you choose wrong? What if you commit and then someone better (a.k.a hotter) comes along?

What I think right now is this.

I am not with him for his money, status, good looks, charm, or future. One could even argue if he has any of the things I just mentioned. But I am with him because he knows me inside out. Because he has taken my crappy days and still made me look good by the end of it. Because he is my best friend.

Maybe other guys would come along and I'd be tempted by their good looks/money/status/charm but if they can't compare with the level of understanding that Asrul has over me, then I'll know where I belong.

So after reading all his letters, I closed that book, closed my eyes, and told that nagging voice in my head to just shut the eff up..!

I am committing myself to him, my future to him and I am ready to take the plunge that will perhaps make me lose everything or gain everything that I've wanted ever since I was 6 and watched fairy tales that made me believe in a happily ever after.

Pause For Thought

I have a little secret that I'm ready to share with the world.

I am a romantic freak. I am so freaky that I have a book of self-written poems. This is before Asrul converted me to the farting, laugh-out-loud, fist bumping, care free girlfriend that I am now.

So about this book of poems, I actually have two of them and only Ezzura knows of their existence. It's actually just a school note book with the words "Pause For Thought" and "Pause For Thought II" written on the front. See. I was such a stupid romantic teen that I needed two books to unload my unrealistic fantasies. But they were a good outlet for me to express my bottled up feelings due to having idiot boyfriends. My teenage years weren't kind to me.

So anyway, being the grown up that I am supposed to be today, I am now ready to share my poems with the world. I used to call Ezzura up back then whenever I've completed a poem and read them to her and she used to tell me how awesome they were. She was probably lying but thanks a bunch anyway weh!

Looking back, I think some of them were pretty good too. Here's one I wrote for a younger guy I had a crush on when I was 16. It was a momentary crush but I'd like to think that the stars back then were already rearranging themselves to form the fate that I am trapped in today -- being in love with a younger guy.

You are my sun
that always shines
just a glimpse of you
can make me smile.

You shine so bright
and keep me so warm
no matter how rainy it is
to me, there is no storm.

And just like the sun
I dare not go near
I'm just a dust particle
in your perfect atmosphere.

Even at night
you are the brightest star
forming constellations
wherever you are.

I am the farthest planet
in your beautiful galaxy
hoping one day
your rays will shine on me.

Until that day
you will remain my sun
the one that always shines
the one that makes me smile.

I should really start writing again. But what I've realized is that it's kinda hard to be creative when you're so happy. I need a broken heart to spur my muse into action. Not that I'm asking for anything to happen.

Oh look at me. Typing away 200 words when I can't even get 100 words out on my literature review. If all else fails, I know ONE thing for sure : I HATE RESEARCH.

Okay, back to work!