I will heal through what's left inside you

The title of this post is a line from a song I'm currently listening to. I'm having mixed feelings now that I'm not supposed to have cause life is near perfect right now, I should be thankful. Money would make it better but while I'm at it I might as well wish I'm king of the world right? Life is as perfect as I could expect it to be right now.

I'm ignoring some stupid fantasies I'm having. Get a hold of yourself la!

Anyway, this evening me and Asrul were hanging out at the mamak as usual, enjoying our new-found passion: Roti bom. Serious sedap! Berebut-rebut makan. Hehe. I don't know how we got to talking about it, but suddenly we were on the topic of my teenage years. Which are the most traumatic years of my life, I might add.

People who knew me back then would know what I'm talking about. The bullies, the backstabbers, the jerks taking advantage. I won't say that none of it was my fault. Maybe there was some things I could have avoided but being a stupid, stupid kid back then, I was just full of dreams and couldn't really see right from wrong. I'm saying this regarding the many boyfriends I had. Eventhough some of them were brief and probably won't even remember my name by now, at some point in my past, I really did care for some of them. And there were also those who I didn't really fancy but went along with them anyway due to pity and just tak sampai hati la nak cakap tak minat. Stupid kan I?

But the ones who really hurt me weren't the boys. Well, not really anyway. I'd say the bullies were the worst. And the ones who I thought were my friends but turned their back on me. They were the worst. They were so terrible, I had to change schools. The only people I knew back then were the bullies, the backstabbers, the friends who did nothing and slowly left me, and the friends who stuck by me but closed one eye when I was bullied. Could you really blame me for cutting school?

I don't know what is it about me that made me such an easy target. I don't think I was a loud, trouble-making teen. But you can never really evaluate yourself realistically back then now, can you? Going through my old diaries, I just want to go back to that time and shake myself. To tell myself to ignore those stupid, sad bitches and to leave the guys who never deserved me in the first place.

I still remember the things they said, the looks on their faces. Some used to be one of my best friends.

So many mistakes. So hurtful to look back on them. And things at home back then didn't make it any easier.

I told Asrul everything today. I mean, he knows I was bullied when I was a kid but he's never heard the whole story. By the end of it, he said he understands why I hated school and wished he knew me back then so he could protect me.

I'm glad how things worked out, though. I think I've been so lucky. And the future clearly shows that God is fair. I'm way better off than those bullies now and I'm finally happy.

Years have passed and I think that experience has really made me a stronger person. I don't take crap from no one. And I trust no one. I know it sounds bitter but I just don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

I know he can do nothing about my past but I felt so much better after telling Asrul all of this. How supportive he is of me and how he still managed to make me laugh by the end of it.

Things aren't perfect between us. It can be at times but I just don't want to fully believe it. But whatever happens, I will always remember how he tried to heal me.