Russian Roulette

I was listening to Rihanna's song, which is the title of this post. At first I didn't get it. Was the song about a suicide pact? But after reading the comments below the lyrics of this song, I understood what it's about and it just made me so sad but somehow, strong at the same time.

Russian roulette is a sick, fatal game played with a revolver loaded with just one bullet. The barrel is then spun and then a group of people would take turns pointing the gun to their own head and taking the chance that they would get the bullet and die. I told you it was sick.

Anyway, Rihanna likened love to a game of Russian roulette. There would be moments when you were wronged and your heart would race madly. But since you play for keeps, you would simply take that chance and sometimes, the barrel would click, signifying that you'll stay in the relationship. Then you'd take a deep breath, smile, and maybe even laugh at your racing heart. But then there would be that one time when things get fatal, you take a chance, take a deep breath, put yourself out there and get shot down. She knows what she's singing about too, having that traumatic time of her life with Chris Brown.

And that made me think back to all those times Asrul would make me so heartbroken, I would cry myself to sleep. But even when I know it's a hopeless cause, I would put myself out there for him, so sincere and vulnerable, taking that chance. There were times when I was saved from that fatal bullet. But I think I was shot once. And that wound is still healing.

I especially love this part of the song

"You can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
Said I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger"

During the many times I put myself out there, I have no doubt at all that Asrul could see how I felt then. Sad, desperate, and just so damn sorry over what I did. But still there were times when he would cruelly hand me that gun. And I would still take that gun and take my chance, because that was all I could do. Because I was just so sure he was for keeps.

Even though we have both put down that gun trying to shoot each other up in a game of Russian roulette, there would still be times when we get mad at each other. Of course things aren't so good right now that we have actually stopped fighting. We still do argue and have misunderstandings. But the only difference now is that our hearts no longer race like before. And when I say "race", I mean the terrible, screaming matches we used to have, followed by crying and screaming of my own. My heart would race out of sadness, anger, and disappointment.

We no longer compete to win in arguments. We try to give and take. And sometimes, I think I do too much taking. Maybe he's the one playing Russian roulette all by himself now? Oh God, I really hope not.

I hope we're done with games. I do not want to get shot down and heartbroken all over again. This song has made me so sad thinking back of all those stupid fights we had. But it has also made me stronger. Because I can now see how we were back then, what it took to make us both change, and how good things are between us now and has been for some time.

I am so glad that we've left all that crap behind us.

I just hope it lasts.

Rihanna Russian Roulette Lyrics