Feeling Everything But Knowing Nothing

I have not had peace of mind for quite some time now, maybe even for months. My feelings are a mess and my head is just empty. I am full of fear and "what if" conversations in my head that doesn't seem to have an ending.

I am afraid to move on. I am afraid of what the future holds, afraid of further lies and disappointments, afraid of sweet nothings and exploitations. I am afraid that leaving him would be a huge mistake. I am afraid that I will never get over him. I am afraid of losing him, my best friend who has that love-hate relationship with me. I am afraid that I will miss him. I am afraid of not finding anyone else who will tolerate me and accept me that well. I am afraid of getting over him and then finding someone new who will only break my heart all over again.

And yet.

What if he isn't made for me? What if I am just a lesson he's to learn from and I he? What if there is someone else out there that I am putting on hold just because I am so afraid of everything? What if his feelings has changed and I'm just a fool with a broken heart? What if my feelings has changed?

Honestly, I do not know how to describe how I feel for him. There are no words, only this swell in my chest that seems to make me more confused, if that is even possible. And then there's that intra-personal conflict I'm having that only a few favorite people in my life know about. Take it from me, a conflict within yourself is so much harder than a conflict with another person because there is no way to win and no way out. It eats you up day by day and there is no peace.

I do not want to hurt him anymore. I seriously believe he deserves better. I am a terrible girlfriend. And he need not worry about me substituting him way too soon because right now, I think I'm no good for nobody. I only bring heartache and pain and when we fight, I may put up a strong front but deep down, I am hurting so much and feeling so guilty because I am causing him so much pain. Sometimes, when he loses his temper, all I want to do is cry and say I love him and that I'm sorry and hug him tight but I just can't. I don't know why but I can't. And there are just so many times when I've taken out my phone and tapped his number but then I hesitate and do not call or text. It's not just that I don't want to deal with it. But the fact is, I don't know what to say.

All this takes a toll on me. There is always some sort of illness I am suffering from every week. Two weeks ago it was a pain in my right knee. Last week there was that horrendous twisting of my stomach that made me rush back home at 3 a.m. to get my meds. And this week there's the flu and I feel a fever coming. And my period even stopped for almost 2 months.

I think I need some space. I do not need time to think because I am already doing too much thinking for my own good. So what do I need space for? I don't know, all I know is right now, I need a break from all this. Time does wonders for the heart. And if he really is meant for me, then love will find a way.

So does this mean I'm single? I don't know. Like I said, I know nothing right now. But, whether I'm single or not doesn't matter because my heart is already heavy with his presence.

I've just taken 2 tabs of Panadol and 1 tab of Actifed. Actifed makes me sleep for hours and I was tempted to take 2 tablets just so I can sleep longer and not deal with reality. Really, I understand the sense psychiatric patients make when they overdose without intent to kill themselves. I myself would like to take a sedative and sleep off this whole thing and then wake up months later, not remembering what happened. But life is so much more complicated than that. I've got so much more going on in my life, my responsibilities as a daughter and a student. Reality is, my boyfriend isn't my existence. It hurts but that's just the way it is. The world still spins on its axis and I am just another human being who has to get on with life, no matter how painful that may be.

Can someone tell me of a secluded spot where I can drive far far away and just scream my lungs out and cry?

Oh Allah, if he is the one for me, please give us both the sense and realization to get through this. But if he isn't for me, please strengthen my heart to move on from this chapter of my life and give me the wisdom to learn from this experience so that I may not repeat my mistakes. Amin.