I'm just back from my 2 weeks clinical posting at a gerontology hospital in Shah Alam. Today is only the second day and I must say, I have never before gotten to a place where I wanted to go home as soon as my feet touched the ground from the bus steps. I'm sorry, but because we are not allowed to do any hands-on nursing care to the patient, I find it dead boring. We take no part in documentation, positioning, observation, dressing, Ryle's tube feeding, PEG feeding, and all the rest. What are we allowed to do? Only health promotion and assisted feeding, and that is only limited to certain patients. There are some things to do but between bed-making in the morning and feeding patients at lunch, I can't find anything else to do. Sure, I talk to the elderly patients and make sure they're comfortable in bed but how long will that take? 10 minutes out of the whole 7 hours?
I have just another 4 days to go and I don't think I can barely survive that. And then there's the fact that I have to launder my uniform everyday now and make sure my nurse cap is white and crisp. I hate uniforms. Bleurgh!!
Okay. So yesterday was a bit of a productive day. I YM-ed Asrul and we talked a bit. Really, why does he choose to be patient only when I'm threatening to leave? He had no problem throwing his temper around when we argued the last time but now? He's cool as a cucumber. Like I said, I think guys only appreciate what they feel they will lose and not when it's a sure thing. I don't know about other people but for me, this is the case many a time.
I've always had trust issues. I am already, by nature, highly cautious of guys and their words of promises. But when that trust is built, which is not easy, and then it's broken, how do you expect me to trust again? Fine, to be fair, I might have broken my promises too, at some point in our relationship. Which is another reason I think we should call it quits. Why go on when our relationship is built on a foundation of broken promises?
But love can be such a strong feeling. It is the only reason I'm hesitating to let go. The only reason I'm awake in bed at night, contemplating what to do about all this. I miss him, so much. I wonder what he's doing, who he's with. Sometimes I even hope he'll show up at that hospital in Shah Alam, since it's so close to him anyway. But he doesn't and I'm always carried away by daydreams.
We didn't really reach a conclusion last night. The last thing we said was that maybe we need some time off right now. It's been 3 days since we last spoke to each other. Tomorrow is day 4. I don't think we've ever gone that long without speaking to each other, not even during that time when we broke up a month before I was due for London.
Maybe time and space is all we need right now. To put things into perspective and take a breather. What happens after that, I don't know, and if I'm honest, I don't think I even want to know. Because I am so scared of heartbreak, and it doesn't matter if we get back together or not. Either way, I know I'm still gonna have my heart broken to pieces.
So what do I mean by a productive day yesterday? At least now me and Asrul have reached an agreement to take some time off. And I also resolved my intra-personal conflict last night. I finally found my guts and I'm sticking to it.
Whatever happens in life, I must learn how to handle it well. If I really think about it, my problems are nothing compared to everything else in the world. Even though I'm naturally dramatic, I've got to learn when to clam down and think things through or I'm only going to make myself physically ill because of my emotional baggage.
So now, I'm flipping the off switch. Turning off all the raw, empty, doubtful feelings in my heart and from now, I'm just gonna go with the flow and see where life takes me. I've got to stop keeping myself awake at night with all sorts of negative thoughts and over-analyzing. So there's my off switch.
Okay, I know it isn't that easy. But at least I'm trying.
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