Talking To Myself, As Always

My heart says "Enough with the drama already, Azwa. I'm sick of hurting everyday".

My brain says "Oh shut up. I wouldn't be in this mess of thinking through everything if it wasn't because you cared so much, heart".

"And I wouldn't care so much if you had thought it all out in the first place".

"Oh please. Since when do you ever listen to me?"

Right now, I am so angry. I'm mad at him, of course, who else? And as always, a part of me is mad at myself. I've always been mad at myself, at some point. But this time its been for ages. I don't know why. I've never been an arrogant bitch, but I've always liked myself. Nowadays, I hate myself so much, I can't imagine any reason to be friends with myself. And the way he acts, it only reinforces my low self-esteem.

I'm sorry for giving out depressing posts lately. But that's just how I feel right now. People may not see it. But when I laugh, when I'm having a good time; I'm actually dying inside. No, don't worry, I don't think I need to talk to "someone" about it, at least not yet.

I've got so many feelings inside me, each one more different than the next. But I just don't know how to express it all. I can't even cry. I think this has been going on for months (at least that's what it feels like) and I've only cried once and it didn't help when he told me to hush up. Sometimes people just need to cry. But I don't expect him to understand that.

I can't wait to graduate and work. I hope I get posted far, far, away. I just want to run away from all this. From everything.