Goodbye Seems To Be The Hardest Word

I know what everyone's gonna say when they read this post. Oh they'll get back together soon enough. To that, I just don't know what to say. In fact, I think I'm out of words for everything that's happening right now.

We've both given up. There's just too much pain, too much to forgive that can't be forgotten. For me, it's been over for some time now. I'm sorry but that's the painful truth. And that's why I've been going crazy all this time. Because I can't move on but I can't stay either.

Why?

I can't say exactly why. I know it's a cliche but it's true in my situation. It's not you, it's me. I've known for quite some time now that he deserves better. I'm a crappy girlfriend. I've said that to him before and all he did was deny it, brush it away. But last night he finally agreed. And if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that the fate of a relationship is in the guy's hands. If he wants it to work, he'll pursue it. If he doesn't, he'll falter and let any feelings die. Girls have tender hearts. We are persuaded easily to do either way, even if we didn't agree at first. At least, that's how it is for me. And so he decided to give up. Who am I to argue otherwise?

I never thought I would get to where I am right now. From a girl full of hope and dreams of love and passion. To this. I don't think I'm girlfriend material. Not long-term, that's for sure. There's just something wrong with me. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. He will never believe me but I feel his pain so much more than he thinks. It hurts so bad, I'm reduced to a pile of tears and then just quiet numbness.

I never want to feel this way again. He need not worry about me getting someone new. I don't think that will be happening. Yes, I might date other people. But there's no way I'm committing myself to another guy ever again. And I will not date one single person at a time. I will not care too much anymore and I will make that clear from the start. When you care, it's so much easier to get hurt.

I don't care if I end up a spinster. Marriage is the last thing on my mind right now and I wish everyone would just stop asking me that annoying "Bila nak kahwin?" question. I'm not even 22 yet, for God's sake. I just don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. And I don't want to get hurt either.

Khairatul Azwa. It means sebaik-baik pasangan. It just makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I am done believing.

I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down