It Tears Me Up Inside

I don't really know what to say. The holidays were good, on the outside. But inside, I was such a mess, I'm surprised all my pictures came out smiling. Sometimes I just sat by myself awhile, amazed at myself for being able to laugh and smile at everyone. I don't think anyone would've guessed that I've just gotten out of a long-term relationship.

So, anyway.

Saturday night my parents had a barbecue because it was one of those rare times my brother came home. I was happy because there was plenty of cheese and then after dinner we played Taboo. It was fun and I forgot most of my troubles for a while, though I couldn't help but wish he was there with me.

Sunday the whole family headed down to Johor Baru, my mum's hometown. Only a few of my cousins were there so it wasn't much fun but I managed to collect enough ang pow to afford me a couple new dresses. The whole time I was anticipating to meet my cousin's son Wafi but when he met me, he couldn't even remember who I was. Last semester's holidays I spent a month working in JB and so I spent a lot of time babysitting Wafi and now, six months later, he's calling me Kakak, instead of the usual Aunty Wawa. He's just two years old now but he's growing up so fast.

Monday I was back at home past midnight and I no sooner dumped my bag on the floor than I was fast asleep on my bed, with jeans on and everything.

Tuesday I lazed around the house, watched TV, talked to my mama, read a book and helped cook dinner. After dinner I headed back to college but stopped by Ezzura's place for a bit of a heart to heart. She gave me some chocolates she got for me in Langkawi and I don't know if she got white chocolates because she knows I love them or if it was just pure coincidence. Whatever it is, thanks a lot weh. I needed a little pick-me-up.



All three chocolates are my favorite. I don't know how she guessed it right. That book on the far right is what I'm reading now. I borrowed it from my cousin under strict rules and regulations so I can't lend it to anyone. It's quite good. You know how Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz triumphed over the wicked witch? This is the wicked witch's side of the story. I've only just started reading it, guess it's okay.

Tomorrow I have to be up early for some research work and then I have a date with Ezzura in the afternoon.

As you can see, I'm not really good with talking about my daily life. I think it's boring and I'd much rather talk about how I feel.

He just called me a moment ago. When I picked up he didn't say anything. So I kept quiet too, listened to his breathing. Then he said he couldn't sleep. He needed to hear my voice.

He doesn't know this but I've been fighting with all my heart to keep from driving over to his place and saying sorry and asking him to give this relationship a chance. Every time I think of doing that, I just think back to how I felt a few weeks leading to the break up, how I felt all torn up and conflicted inside, and I manage to stop myself. The main reason why I do not want to get back together is because I don't want to hurt him anymore. And I know there will only be more heartbreak if we get back together, that's for sure. Besides, we're both so young. Even if we do end up getting married to each other, that'll be at least 3 years down the road and I don't think we could last that long.

When people ask me why we broke up and who was the one who wanted to break up, I really don't know what to say. I only remember that on the day we called it quits, we were fighting and he said he's had enough and I didn't argue. I think it's silly of him, saying that this is what I wanted. I don't recall saying to him I wanted to break up. But when he said he wanted to break up, I don't think I said no either. I could go in circles talking about this but the bottom line is that we weren't made for each other.

I only cried once so far, on the day we broke up. I don't know why but I can still listen to love songs, even put them on repeat, and yet I feel so hollow inside. I view his Facebook everyday, even though he deleted me. I look into those sad eyes and wish so much I could make things right again. His love notes and letters are all stashed in my desk, like a monster lurking and eying me. I am so aware of it's presence. I want to get them all out and read them but I'm so scared that the walls I've built will come tumbling down and I'll run over to him and beg him to take me back. I know he'll take me back in a heartbeat. That is not what I'm afraid of. I'm so scared of the future and of my uncertain feelings that change like the wind. He deserves so much better.

U jangan pernah rasa U teruk. U lah perempuan yang paling cantik, pandai, and kuat yang I pernah kenal. I sangat bangga dengan U. Semua kawan I tahu pasal U, I selalu cerita pasal U.

I will never forget that. But if only people knew of what's underneath this mask I'm wearing.