The break up was inevitable. I'd hate to go through the details but the bottom line is that it was mutual. And after all the fights we've been having for 2 years everytime one of us wanted to leave, this time not even a word was said. I just got off his motorcycle, handed him his handphone and helmet that I've been using, and walked off. He must have understood what I meant. Cause he didn't call or text me later that night. I did say I wanted to be just friends, that I'm in no position for any commitment right now and he said he felt the same way. So that's that.
Of course you can't help missing the person you've been so close with for 2 years. The one person I always run to when I have any problems. The person that made me feel so warm inside everytime I looked into his eyes. But I have to accept the reality. If he was meant for me, my feelings wouldn't have died. I mean, the feelings didn't really die but it changed direction. I started to love him differently. And on the day we broke up, he showed me that I can't change him, no matter how hard I tried to believe that I did.
No, I didn't cry buckets. So far, I've cried once and it didn't even last 5 minutes. I started talking to Sue and then we started laughing over so many things. What would I do without you, Sue?
Everyday, I fight the urge to text him. Okay, so it hasn't been many days. It's been only two days. But this time, I know we've broken up for real. Eventhough he woke me up for sahur this morning, I know he only did it out of habit. And I know, if I text him, I'm only doing it out of habit too. No matter how much I care about him, I have to keep it in so it'll be easier for him to move on. It'll be more conflicting to break up and then say I still love him, right? So I guess this is for his own good.
I'll be leaving for London in less than 2 weeks and maybe this will help him get over me faster. And me over him. I wouldn't want him to miss me too much cause I know I can never miss him the same way, no matter how much I love him. Feelings change but they stay complicated. I can never really verbalize how I feel about him. But one thing's for sure : He's special and will always stay that way.
There's a song by Yuna, it's called missing star. It's not much of a song cause its only 2 minutes long but it reminds me of him so much.
I can never really tell you why
I've been missing you a lot
And I just have to take another look of your photo in my wallet
And there's no reason why I keep your t-shirt by my side when I sleep
Pretending you were never really gone
Its like a missing star that always ends up in your sky
Its like the rainbow never comes after the rain
Its like the sun never rises in every of your morning
How am I supposed to live without those things
They are all youThe part that reminds me the most about him is not the part about missing someone so much. But it's the final sentence. He is everything in my life. That is how used I am to him. He is just that familiar. And to be without him, it feels awkward. Like learning how to walk again.
I'm surprised at how good I'm getting on so far. I miss him but the feeling's manageable. Everytime I feel like texting him, I tell myself it wouldn't be good for him. Because I know I want to be single. I know I want no commitment for some time after this. But him... only last week he told me how much he would miss me if I were gone. So I have to be strong for him.
Eventhough it's hard sometimes. But I'm sure, he will find someone so much better than me.
