Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

What do you call that feeling, an emptiness so deep, you want to bury yourself just to get away from it? When you want to sleep and never wake up until everything's different? And yet, you have to put on a strong front, not just because the person you love most depends on it, but because your job requires you to do so.

I've loved him for so long, I've got so many memories of him that I can't imagine what it'll be like if I didn't have him. No matter what I feel, I can't imagine my everyday without him. There were times when I loved him so much, I'd watch him, trying to memorize his face. The way his cheeks crinkle when he smiles, that line between his brows, that mole under his chin. There was a time when I'd know his scent anywhere. Even though time has calmed me down a bit, settled me from a fiery passion to a comfortable familiarity, I still love him with all my heart.

So tell me how do you let someone go? When they flip onto their ugly side and you don't think you can stand the sight of it and then, just as quickly, they flip back and you're left wondering if this will ever work. And if it won't work, where do I even begin to piece my heart back together?

If you're reading this, don't ask me about it. This is the last thing I want to talk about with you.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Every Evil Has Some Good In It

The good thing about losing is you learn something new - Megamind.

I'm Not In It To Win It, I'm In It For You

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever

And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything

Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I Finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece

Tomorrow, 15 November, is our 3 year anniversary but we decided to celebrate today since I'm working tomorrow. I thought I'd make it a really cheap but fun date, so I borrowed my dad's DSLR and we went camwhoring in Putrajaya.

Weeks ago, when I first planned this date, I imagined we'd be going all over Putrajaya, taking pictures all the way. But the truth is, photo shooting is exhausting! And the sun sure made it fun. Our first spot took more than 2 hours already and we were both famished so we decided to go for lunch and a movie instead.

The photo shoot was really fun, especially since (straight) guys don't really like being the subject of camera attention and so, I got to be the model most of the time. I loved it but I would have loved it more if I wasn't so damn fat. Oh well, at least, if I got really sick, my body would have "extra baggage" to burn.

Later on, we had lunch at Johnny's Steamboat which was really really good! I can't imagine he's lived all these years and never had steamboat! At least his first steamboat experience was great, unlike his first time with pasta and sushi.

We decided that this year, we'd make our presents. I started out weeks ago but finished his present just last night, due to my being a professional procrastinator. I made him a huge valentine with cut out words and lots of our photos.

His present to me took me completely off guard. He had made me a movie and burned it on a CD. He stayed up late to do it, and I appreciate that so much, what with him being so busy with his studies and social life. The CD also came with my favorite bar of chocolate, a white Toblerone. Anniversary or not, you can never go wrong with this chocolate!

When I reflect on the past 3 years I've been with him, I feel so much love for him, I don't even know where to begin to express myself. I don't think I can ever show him how much I love him and so, he will never truly know. I can be a real pain in the ass, and while he can be too, I've got to say that I pick fights way more than him. Not only does he stick around, he loves me all the same.

All I've wanted ever since I was a teenager, was to find someone who would love me and make me feel special. I've found him now and if I had known it would be this awesome, I would never had let myself fall for anyone in my past, not ever.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mad Woman, Bad Woman

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live
Take, take, take it all
But you never give
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman, that's just what you are
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

If my body was on fire,
You'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby
But, darling

I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Brain And The Heart

Me : nanti I first gaji, jom pergi Sunway Lagoon! Or nak pergi Melaka? U cakap je nak g mana, jom kita pergi!

Him : no la u, first gaji u simpan dulu k, next gaji baru belanja..bagi u financially stable dulu, okay?

I told you he's so very reasonable. When I reflect on the things he says, I wonder why do I have my head in the clouds so much?

He's the brains of the relationship, while I am the heart. Well, unless you're talking about career and studies, whereas I am the brain and he's the heart.

And like those two vital organs, one can't be without the other. Well, the heart can live without the brain but the brain can't live without the heart. So I would very much prefer to be the heart.

Heart or brains, if I ever catch you lying again, I'll rip both of yours out.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I Wish I Could Do This

I really want to kill someone right now.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

There Will Never Be A Day When I Don't Miss You

We just had lunch together today. We also spent the whole of yesterday together. But I still miss you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My First Job

Tajuk post macam esei kanak-kanak kan? Hahaha.

Who would've thought my first job would be with a private hospital? When I was a student, I swore I wouldn't go into private healthcare, what with all the racked up charges and sometimes, unnecessary ward admissions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I will not discuss my career plans here, because I am not that stupid. I only want to discuss my first day, more for the benefit of my juniors and classmates so that they'll know what to expect. And also for my close friends, to let them know I'm doing okay.

On the first day, I had to put on this really dorky white shirt and black slacks. I was brought to the Human Resource and met the Chief Nursing Officer. While waiting in the lobby, I chatted with another new nurse, a diploma graduate who worked in a different private hospital for 3 months prior to this current hospital we were at. I thought it was real silly of her, resigning her RM 2400 post for one which barely pays you 2K. I guess she has her reasons but if it were me, I wouldn't be going anywhere.

While we were chatting, it surfaced that I was a graduate and she was a diploma holder. So she asked me,"Tak rasa rugi ke, ambil degree tapi sama je gaji dengan diploma?" and she also asked the inevitable, "degree dengan diploma apa bezanya?" My blood did boil when I heard these questions, but I kept a cool surface and instead, applauded her for her ignorance. I answered that the difference between degree and diploma holders were the entry requirements, and that the degree course had more professional development courses, we learn in English, and our classes were smaller so we are more focused and integrated. It's not much of an answer but I kept telling myself, let my actions speak louder than words. I'll prove to them what the difference is so that they can actually see it instead of just hearing but not believing. My answer to the other question was simple. "Tak rugi sebab degree lagi cepat naik and lagi senang nak sambung belajar and kalau nak kerja overseas, nursing board western countries tak recognize diploma."

So we were later brought to meet the Chief Nursing Officer (CNO). She eyed us both up and down and turned to the other girl, saying "Mana badge awak? Kenapa dia pakai badge tapi awak tak pakai?" I looked at the floor but inside, I was like "hah!!" I knew putting on that badge would bring me some good. Well, I actually put it on because I didn't want to look like a caterer in my black and white outfit. At least the badge had the words "Jururawat Berdaftar Malaysia" to prove that I am a nurse.

The girl smiled sheepishly and squeaked that she "forgot" to put it on. She was then introduced to the Head Nurse for her assigned unit and taken away. I sat there and the CNO looked at my interview sheets and asked me when was I going to complete my degree course. I said I've already completed it and graduated in August. She then raised her eyebrows and asked me from which college did I graduate from and I said "UKM". I could tell she was impressed. She asked how old I was and I said 22. I then had to explain to her that I did a 4-year course straight from matriculation and had no previous working experience apart from part time jobs.

She told me that, from the interview, it was remarked that I had a good family background and excellent command of the English language so why does someone like me want to be a nurse? I smiled and told her how my dad suggested nursing for me when I was 17 and I did my research and found it to be a very interesting field because you can branch into so many specialties and how, initially, I found midwifery to be my area of interest. But then, after 4 years of studying nursing, I find that I cannot choose which area I like the most because I love it all and have never regretted my decision to enter nursing.

We spoke in English and when the Head Nurse of my assigned unit arrived, the CNO introduced me to her and told her I'm a graduate nurse with no working experience but a very good knowledge base. She then turned to me, told me "I think you can go very far in nursing and I hope you'll like it here". She even stood up, shook my hand, and walked me to the door.

Oh, sungguh dan sangat lah puas hati dapat layanan macam ni dari CNO, especially after that demotivating conversation with the other new girl.

I will not tell you the rest of my first day in such detail, because a)it's my fourth day already and I can't remember that much and b)I think it's more important that I stress on the take home point rather than my experience in detail which will mean nothing to some people.

I was then brought to the Emergency Department, my assigned unit. It's more commonly called the A&E (Accident & Emergency) among medical staff. I was introduced to the morning staff, including the clerks at the counter and then taken into the Head Nurse's office. In the office, I was explained, at length, about the rules and regulations of the hospital (I had to fight my urge to yawn) and on how my working hours will be like.

And then the Head Nurse did something that I don't think I'll get in any government hospital. She took me for a tour of the whole hospital. And I mean the whole hospital, from the top floor where the CNO's office was, right down to the basement where they did the laundry and housekeeping. And it's not just a tour of what is where, it's also a tour of who is where.

"Hai, saya Azwa, staff nurse baru di A&E".

That was my line of the day. I had to introduce myself to everyone. The physiotherapists, the doctors, the radiographers, the lab technicians, the clerks, the nurses, the care assistants, the cleaners, the security guards. I have never been so mortified my whole life. The people were all really friendly, making nice remarks like "Welcome" and"Nice to meet you". I've noticed, in the past 4 days I've been working here, that people are really friendly. Even the doctors are nice. And it's not just with the patients (obviously, they're paying for it so they have to be nice) but its the culture between staff too. Everyone smiles at each other every morning and even greet each other. It's creepy at first but then you get used to it and you start to practice it too. So I guess that's part of fostering a healthy environment.

I was also introduced to the doctors in the A&E. One doctor started quizzing me, on why I didn't take medicine anyway, since I have a nursing degree. I could go on to take medicine overseas, but the bottom line is, I like being a nurse. I don't want to give myself a headache trying to figure out patient's diagnoses and treatment plan. I like being the caregiver, advocator, and educator. He didn't believe me so he even asked for my GPA. I told him and he nodded and mumbled "Well... that's okay... borderline". Whatever. But he turned out to be alright. Sure, he quizzes me a lot and wants to see me do procedures so that he can assess whether I'm really all that good, but you know what? I like it that he does that. Because, so far, I haven't failed myself yet. I've answered all his questions without blinking and did all the procedures right (thank God!). I think it's great that I've got the opportunity to prove to people that graduate nurses are different.

It may be daunting, people constantly watching me, scrutinizing, skeptical about my credibility, some even waiting for me to mess up. But the up side is that it keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly looking for something to do, I never forget to say please and thank you, I refrain from gossiping (but my ears are always open), I read up everyday so that I know the right things and ask the right questions.

So that's really okay. The people here are nice, especially my co-workers. Usually, in government hospitals, you have to make an effort to learn. If you don't ask and show interest, no one's going to pay attention to you (sometimes you get the same treatment even if you do) but here, I have people coming up to me everyday and offering to teach me something new.

The aforementioned doctor asked me to perform a Mantoux test on a patient and I would have peed my pants if it wasn't for the fact that I had the exact same test performed on me last year. I have never done a sub-dermal injection my whole life. The nurses usually don't let us students try it out because it's very easy to mess up and end up giving the injection too deep within the skin layer. But I've seen how it's done on me and felt pretty confident (plus, I won't let that doctor one up me). Some of my colleagues were nervous for me and even tried to give me last minute tips as I started to prepare for the injection and the doctor was slowly making his way out of his office towards the treatment area. I took in most of the advice, though my ears were quite deaf due to the sound of my thumping heart.

I did the injection with no less than 5 nurses and the doctor surrounding me. It was like a little circus. After I had given the injection, the doctor started quizzing me on how long it will take to show results and how big would the swelling have to be to show that it was positive. I answered him right, thanks to the occupational nurse in London who did the Mantoux test on me last year and told me a great deal of information about the test. God bless you, occupational nurse.

I quite like it here at the A&E. One of the bright sides is that I don't have to deal with nursing reports. We usually just treat the patient and then discharge/admit/transfer the patient. There are also plenty of opportunities to practice things you don't usually get to do in wards because it's usually done by doctors. These include blood taking, IV cannulation, and male catheterization. This morning I even did a blood culture and sensitivity (C&S), which my colleague was so kind as to offer me to do the job and supervised me and later congratulated me on a job well done. Like I said, the people are real nice here.

I love my job, but I hate the pay. But it's my first job, I can't expect too much. I'm doing it more for the experience than for the money. Tomorrow is my day off! I can't wait to see my daling.