Thursday, June 24, 2010

Moving Day

Today :

1. Sat for the Nursing Board exam at 9 a.m. and finished at 11.30 a.m. How was it? Let's just say I've had worse.

2. Had a talk from Takaful Insurance on yada yada yada. What was that again? Sorry, I was listening but wasn't interested. So I checked out early.

3. Visited Kak Mas at the Gynae ward as she's pregnant with no 2 but coming down with hyperemesis. That's just a fancy word for excessive vomiting.

4. Had lunch in college, fell asleep for a half hour after that.

5. Went out to MidValley with Asrul around 4 p.m., finally bought that thing I've been dying to buy. I wanted to shop for a pair of shoes for my convocation after that but none of the shoes stood out for me so I didn't get any.

And while we're at it, let me just say that it is beyond ridiculous for Vincci to price their shoes at RM 80 and above because really, the quality of their shoes suck, and I only went there because I thought the price would be as low as the quality but I guess too many people shop at Vincci for them to realize that their footwear suck.

I've had so many broken straps and heels from Vincci, thank you very much, so I haven't been there in a while. Their price hike might as well be robbery. I'd go for Nose over Vincci any day.

6. Had ice mango special with Asrul, walked around MidValley with no real direction, bought a pretzel to eat in the car and then headed to Taman Midah to get Asrul a haircut as he'll be going back to classes tomorrow (Hahaha, saya dah habis belajar!)

7. Had dinner at Penara, their bihun sup is the best!

8. Asrul got 4 boxes for me from a sundry shop for me to start packing tomorrow.

9. Went to the Connaught Night Market to buy myself a movie for my last night here in college (anything to postpone all the packing!!). So we pooled in our money and bought Karate Kid and Letters to Juliet. He took Karate Kid home with him so we're exchanging tomorrow.

I turned to the shop next to the one where we bought our DVDs and guess what I saw was on sale? Sims 3!

Yes, I bought it and I baru je install ni!

10. Am now writing this post.

Tomorrow :

1. Wake up at the crack of dawn. Well, actually Asrul will be waking up at the crack of dawn to go register at his polytechnic, he'll wake me up before he leaves home so I can drag myself out of bed and do the pleasurable task of no 2.

2. PACK UP MY ROOM. Throw out all food (I'm sure they're all past their expiry date anyway), pack up clothes, books, make up, pillows, linens, plates, mug, mirror, weighing scale, toiletries, throw out old clothes and notes I will probably never use again. Carry them all downstairs to the car and stuff 'em deep and drive all the way home only to carry them all out and dump 'em in my near-empty room at home.

No one's home tomorrow so Asrul will be helping me pack up from here in college and move my stuff back home. He's kind enough to be taking the time after his registration to come help me out (because I told him to).

It's not just that I'm lazy with all the sorting and the packing and cleaning and God knows what I'm going to do with the 29" TV I have here (not to mention my ironing board, dish rack, shoe rack, and oven toaster. Sometimes I wonder how they all made their way here), but I have the most awesomely annoying allergy to dust, ever. Just a sniff of dust can send me sneezing for the next hour. Not to mention my eyes will get all puffy and my face will break out in a rash and I'll be lucky if I don't need to be jabbed at the emergency unit tomorrow.

*Deep breath*

You can do it, Azwa. Rise and shine 7 a.m. tomorrow, packing will probably be done by noon and then it's straight back home and after all the moving, I can pass out at around 4 p.m.

That is my very, very messy room here in college. I painted the walls pink myself. Goodbye, room. I have dreamt many dreams, revealed some secrets, and shed a healthy lot of tears within your four walls. You've been witness to my late nights and sleepy afternoons, to friendships made and broken, to love found and lost. May your next resident be better than me and clean you more often. And may you never become haunted, amin.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Just Like Gravity

I know that you still haven't found you
And when I wanna stand on my own too
Suddenly you start to show signs of what is possible

Then you're back to your ways and I let me down
Tell me why I keep trying to stay around
When all my family
They keep telling me, be through with you
And I know deep down I'm calling time on you, on you

Every time I'm ready to leave
I seem to be
Pulling in the wrong direction
Diving in with no protection
And you can't keep steering me wrong
Oh gravity

Pulling me back, pulling me in
Why you pulling me back, pulling me in
Just like gravity

Monday, June 21, 2010

In Search Of Freedom

So here's my situation.

The Nursing Board exam is this Wednesday and I haven't studied a single thing because I'm too busy with the World Cup. I stay up almost every night to catch the game, especially when Argentina, Brazil, Spain, or England is playing. Argentina and Brazil has so far played the best, which makes staying up late very much worth it. England's games are so far a real snooze and Spain will have to prove themselves tonight. Me and Asrul will be going out later to watch the game, probably at Dataran Merdeka.

So anyway, my research assistant job tanked, due to some technical problems that I will not divulge right now. So I will be free all through July. I understand and empathize with the problems faced by the researcher but I can't help but feel disappointed because now, I will have to stay home. Now, I will be out of money.

And now, I will be under the reign of my parents.

I have always been a stubborn, rebellious kid. And so, I highly treasure my independence ever since my high school years ended and I entered matriculation in Kedah. For the past 5 years, I have always been able to go wherever I want, whenever I want to, and with whomever.

Don't get me wrong, my intentions are not sinister and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And I do try to get home every weekend or every 2 weeks, the very least. At home, I cook and clean, iron and wash, and all that housework. Just last weekend I washed 4 cars in 2 days.

I don't really mind all that housework because hey, it's just on weekends and the rest of the 5 days in a week, I get to do whatever I want. I can go out for sushi, movies with Asrul, gossiping with Sai, and laugh like mad with Ezzura. If no one's available, I can at least get myself pizza or a huge plate of sushi at Jusco Maluri and spend my day watching movies and reruns.

I treasure my independence.

After the exam on Wednesday, I will have to pack up my room in college and move back home. Home is 45km away in Mantin a.ka. middle of nowhere. It is so deserted that Telekom hasn't built phone lines in my housing area, which rules out Streamyx and my dad's Maxis Broadband's signal is so low, I might as well not have internet.

My parents work 5 days a week, my dad works for just 2 days but the rest of the time he's playing golf so it's just me and that empty house. Oh, I forgot. I have a fish pond and a catfish in a tank. Fun, eh? No internet for most days, just TV. My cat passed 3 years ago so there'll be no cute fur ball to cuddle. I will not be receiving any pocket money so it's very likely that I won't be meeting up with friends or my boyfriend for the next 2 months or so.

My mom might argue my boredom by saying there's tonnes of things to do at home. Vacuuming, mopping, doing the laundry, ironing, washing the cars, cleaning out the fish pond, sweeping the front lawn, helping out with the gardening, and the many, many housewife work that she'll probably nag my ears off to do.

Fine, I really don't mind helping out with the housework (just today I ironed all my parents' clothes, which took a gruesome 7 hours) but, because I'm living under their roof, I have to go by their rules (I've been hearing this ever since I could understand language) and that probably means that going out once a week is hard enough, and no staying out past 7 p.m.

Plus, I'll probably have to cook dinner on most days, and when I cook, I'll probably eat too, so be prepared for Azwa The Gargantuan.

I can only start sending out my resume after the Nursing Board exam results and that will take at least a month.

Entahlah. I know it's wrong for me not to want to stay at home but it doesn't have anything to do with me not loving my parents or being an ungrateful daughter but it's just that I'm an adult now. I'll be 22 in August. But parents never understand that. And I just can't take all that arguing and shouting and negativity that is bound to happen if I stay home for more than a week.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help it.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Nothing Compares To You

The next time I go karaoke, I'm singing this song.

Because I Am Bored

Because I am bored, I will doodle on this post like a crazy person.

I am currently in college, all ALONE, for crying out loud. Why did I come back to college so much sooner that the rest of my housemates? Because if I stayed home, I would be alone too since both my parents are working. Well, my mom's still working and my dad's retired but he's busy with golf and some government project he's doing. So essentially, I'd be alone anyway. Granted, I'd have Astro to entertain me at home but weighing the fact that I'd probably not be allowed to go out whenever I want to and come home whenever I want to and I'd have to cook dinner everyday, plus do laundry and have my mom scream at me everyday so, no.

This is why I am at college all alone. Because college has unlimited internet 24 hours a day. For those of you who don't know, my house doesn't have internet, unless you count my dad's Maxis broadband which is super slow and comes with conditions if I want to use it (usually some sort of chore like washing the car). And also, here in college, I can come and go as I please, I can go out and buy myself whatever I want and come home whenever I want. Except for the fact that none of my friends are here yet and my non-college friends are busy with internships or new jobs or exams or something.

I have spent the past 2 days on my bum in front of my lappy, surfing the net and watching reruns of various TV series, getting up only to eat and go to the bathroom. I've been feeling really fat lately but whenever I want to go jogging, it starts to rain and I get sleepy so is that my fault?

Anyway, Ezzura and I have been hanging out a lot these past few weeks and it's great cause we haven't hung out in so long and I miss her!

Last 2 weeks we went up Broga again, then she slept over for my sister's wedding where we both did our nails and hair at 4 a.m., and last Monday we went for a fish spa at MidValley, followed by a classy lunch at Alexis where there was this gorgeous guy who looked just like Keanu Reeves. I wasn't all that psyched about the Keanu double because I was sitting with my back facing him but Ezzura who was sitting just opposite him and had a clear view was melting and gushing like a teenager.

We ordered mocktails (Shirley Temple and Pussy Foot) and she had Nasi Goreng Kerabu and I had Nasi Istimewa Alexis, and I went on to spill all of my keropok on the floor because, believe me ladies and gents, chicken and huge chunks of beef weren't made to eat with fork and spoon. And the waiter didn't even offer to replace my keropok, I thought waiters at fancy places were nicer?

I think the whole restaurant rang with our laughter and people were probably staring but we didn't care very much because I don't think we've laughed like that since high school and it felt good.

Meanwhile, Asrul is on his way back from Kedah today and will probably reach here in the middle of the night where we plan to drive up to Bukit Ampang and eat yong tau fu. Our fight the past 2 days ended last night at 3 a.m after he shedded a few tears and I felt he had worked hard enough to earn my forgiveness so we're okay now.

I miss him so much!

I haven't changed my Facebook status yet because I want to really see if I can trust him again. When, and only when, he has proven himself to me will I confirm our relationship and change my status. Childish, I know, but I am skeptical (as always) but I love him too much to let go so this is what I have decided.

I'm moving out of college by the end of the month and let me tell you I feel absolutely LAZY to pack up my stuff and clean out my room. I think I'll wait till the very last week of June to do all that. Malas la!

I am currently waiting for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of this month, which will (hopefully) be the very last exam I'll have to sit for at least another 3 years or so when I feel ready to take up a Master's degree. Meanwhile, final exam results will be out on the 11th, which is this Friday and I am so nervous to find out my CGPA for the Bsc. that I've been doing the past 4 years.

Okay. I think that is all that's going on in my life right now. I am sitting and hoping Ezzura can come with me to the Connaught market tonight because I am bored to death. I'll probably go alone anyway if she can't make it. That is how dead bored I am.

I have yet to study for my Nursing Board exam but, hey, you know me. I have extra energy to spur me to study at the very last minute.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

Ever since last week, I have been thinking about so many things. I have become unsure of myself, of my relationship. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I can even trust him. Something happened that made me rethink my choices and if I've misplaced my trust.

I've always had trust issues. I find it very hard to believe in promises and I tend to over analyze situations to detect lies and inconsistencies.

I do not take it very well when someone promises change and then does things that show he hasn't changed very much. Even worse when he's doing it behind my back and then tried to avoid me when I question him and then upon admitting it, tries to find some lame fault of mine and make it his ultimate weapon.

Sure, I've broken people's trust before but at least I know how to be courteous about it and not find some stupid blame about the other person and make it look as if I'm so innocent. I may not say sorry as often as I should but at least I do not fake innocence.

What he did last week, and then something else that I found out today... it's made me so doubtful of him, sometimes I wonder why am I in this relationship anyway. Aside from the fact that I love him (how could I not, after being with him for almost 3 years), I really don't have any other reason.

When I was younger, I would agree that all you need in a relationship is love. Love each other and everything will be okay, you can weather the storm if you have love. But as I grow older, I've found out that love isn't enough.

You need respect.

Respect is what keeps you from hurting one another intentionally when you're so mad at each other. Respect is what makes you keep your promises because you truly believe your partner deserves that. Respect is what keeps you from cheating because you believe your partner is the best person for you.

It's not that I don't have respect in my relationship. It's just that it isn't enough. Or maybe we're both still too young to know how to work this thing right.

Oh, all I can say right now is that I am pissed. I am so mad at him right now. And what a great time for me to find out these things about him, when right after what he did last week made me think of all the qualities I want in my man.

That's right, it's a cliche but I feel like I'm done with boys. I want a man who will stand up for me. Who will be patient for me and protect me from jerks who steal my parking lot. I want a man who can talk to me about current events, even politics when I feel like it.

Just when I've been thinking of all this, and figuring out if he measures up to my expectations, he goes and do something stupid and I find out about it, thanks to Facebook.

I know I have some pretty high expectations. I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be honest with me and to keep his word. And I don't think what I want is irrational either. All I'm asking is for him to keep his temper when we're arguing and to behave when I'm away.

Is that too much to ask?

He goes on and on about how he's trying to improve himself for me but sometimes I ask myself this: If he really is The One for me, then why can't I just accept him as he is?

I really don't have the answer to that.

If I'm honest, I'd say it's obvious that I'm in denial and that we're forcing things to be all perfect and right between us again.

But you know why I'm doing this? Why I can't let go even though I know I can probably do better and he'd probably be a lot happier dating a girl who isn't so high maintenance, and I probably know we're gonna break up somewhere along the road because we have so little in common?

I am still with him for just one reason.


I wish there was a button on everyone that said "Remove from heart" so you can delete them the same, easy way you can banish them from your Facebook.