I Let It Fall, My Heart

How to trust again.

I've Googled that too many times than I can count. That, along with "relationship conflicts" and "how to forgive".

I came across a multitude of articles, most of which did not help as most said that "it will heal in time" and that I simply have to "forgive and let go". Easier said than done. And yet, there are days when we laugh and everything seems to be so much better than before and then there are days (like today) where I can't stop thinking about what he did and start to question him endlessly. At some point, he loses his patience and I lose mine and we end up having a 2 hour battle that ends with both parties crying and saying sorry and at that moment, all the things he says seems so hopeful, so believable, that I start to get better. And then give me 3 to 4 days and I'm back at square one, all torn up and distrustful.

So what did he do that was so bad? It was hard enough for me to tell my own best friend of 15 years, let alone gush it all out in my blog. It isn't so much the pain of the betrayal (though that hurts like hell) but it's more the shame that comes with it.

The shame that I believed the best in him, that I tried to convince anyone who would listen that he was a great guy that I love him so much, that we're happy and then he goes and do this. And the fact that I still can't walk away is the worst. I feel stupid and weak - and that's an understatement.

Sure, he's trying his very best to win me over again. He never says no, holds me when I'm mad and is patient when I sulk. But it doesn't feel the same anymore. The fact that he's sweet because he's trying to fix what he messed up isn't the same as him being sweet just because he loves me. And I just can't and I mean can't wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't know why he did what he did and despite what he did, he claims to love me with all his heart. It's crazy!

I tried to fathom why would he stay in this relationship after all we've been through, all the heartache and growing up we had to do together, why would he stay if not for matters of the heart. I can't find any other reason why he would stay if he wasn't telling the truth and its driving me crazy because you don't do what you did to the person you love, you just don't! Sigh. He is a complicated person. Why I still love him is beyond my understanding.

But one phrase in all the zillion articles I read stuck in my mind. That when you lose trust and have to learn to trust again, you never really see the person in the same light. Those rose-colored lenses are gone and it's more of a wide-eyed kinda trust that you give. And that's supposed to be better because you see the person as who he truly is and that's all that men want. For the girl he loves to really see him and accept him for who he is. I'm not saying I accept him even after what he did, but perhaps there's a reason why my feet feel stuck to the ground every time I try to walk away.

Maybe there is something I need to learn from this. Maybe there is a reason why I stayed despite you not keeping all your promises.

Entah Mengapa Engkau Yang Aku Cinta

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku

Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta

Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagikuIni tidak adil

Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga

Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku

Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk

Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan

Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut

Mengakui cinta kepadamu

Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan

Bila bersamamu

Kau bukan milikku

Dan engkau pun tahu

Kau bukan milikku

Happier Times

Girl : Will you miss me if I'm gone one day?

Boy : (Pause). Sure.

Girl : And what will you miss most about me?

Boy : Your negativity, your temper. Even though I hate it, I'll miss that the most.

Girl : (Smiles speechlessly).

Memories like these always come back to me when we're in a rut and it just breaks my heart.

It Feels A Little Bit Like Dying

Okay, tajuk post pun dah drama gila.

Sigh. Anyway. I've always loved my job. Four years as a nursing student and for the past 7 months that I've been a registered nurse, I have never regretted entering this profession. But it feels terrible going to work with a heavy heart.

If I'm honest, I'd say a broken heart. But I'm trying to tone down the drama. God knows I've had enough with that.

So I go to work everyday envying those who are leaving their shift when I've just arrived and I count the hours till I can go home and cry into my pillow. Told you I've had enough drama.

We've been at odds for so long now, sometimes I don't even know what it's about. The only good thing about us right now is neither one of us really wants to leave. Sure, we've both had the "I've had enough" moment and ready to storm out, determined to never look back but then, barely a half hour later, we'd always end up saying we want to stay and work things out.

But I don't know how long that's going to last.

I miss us. The pair that always went to work together. He'd have my breakfast waiting when he's done his night shift and I'm on morning duty. I miss watching him draw. Those small, bony hands, quite unlike any other hands I've known. His eyes in deep concentration and then he'd look up and wink at me when he sees I've been watching. We'd smile at each other in between our hectic work and I always felt better knowing you were just right there. I walked to my car one night and saw that he'd left a note on my dashboard. I miss our webcam sessions. I miss us talking and laughing so much in the car, we got lost all the way to Pangsun. I miss you taking care of me when I was down with the H1N1 flu.

When I think about all our memories, they're so foreign now that I wonder if it was really a movie. If that girl really is me and is that really you.

After The Wake

Hello, I'm back and I don't know what to write.

Yes, that is the first thing that came to my mind the moment I clicked on "new post". My absence from the blogging world has been obviously stark for some people, to whom I would like to thank for the support. I truly appreciate my readers and it's for you people that I have gotten off my ass and put my fingers back to its out-of-practice typing mode.

Like all parts of the human body, writing skills waste away if you haven't used them in a while. I hope you will bear with me as I try to get back on my horse and back into creative writing.

The truth is, when you're this happy, you have no idea what to write. Yes, I have someone new and yes, some of you might think it's too soon and yes, a 3 year relationship was really hard to get away from but no, I have no regrets. No matter how happy I was back then, no matter how great making up after a big fight was, a part of me always knew it couldn't last forever and I held it heavy in my heart, like a lump of lead. As terrible as this sounds, I have to admit, the day we broke up, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders and I felt that I could finally breathe again. As much as I wanted to make him happy, I had to make myself happy first and that unfortunately left him out of the equation. I know it sounds terrible but its true. And I know he'll be much happier without me, eventually.

And the honest truth of why I took such a long break from writing is... well, I couldn't bear to read about all our history in this blog. He's practically my main character, the plot to the whole blog, the beginning and the end. I even thought about starting a new blog, burying this one deep deep in cyberspace but then I thought, I like my blog. I actually developed my writing skills a lot in this blog and I love the background, the comments from my readers, the collection of lyrics I've put up. Why should I give all that up and start from scratch just because I gave him up?

So I waited until I could read all my previous posts without that twisted feeling in my gut, that sting somewhere in me that I couldn't quite point out. Don't get me wrong (and yes, I am talking to you, new boyfriend), I am happy now and I have no regrets about breaking up but like it or not, when you've been with someone 3 years, even after you realize both of you were not meant to be, it still messes you up. Maybe not quite the same if you were dumped by someone you love and thought the whole world of, but it was a whole mix of emotions that I can't even begin to describe.

I love my new boyfriend a lot. Like, a lot a lot. He's funny and kind and most importantly, he's patient and gentle. He might not think much of himself but I think he's just about the best guy I've ever known and I have known quite a number of guys. And he tops them all in almost every way. But you have to admit, it's just been 4 months into the relationship (coming into 5 months in May) and I had just 4 months ago broken up a 3 year relationship. I know you expect me to recover almost as fast as I fell in love with you but I'm sorry I didn't go with the pace.

But I am all done now. You squeezed yourself into my heart and it's completely filled with you, I promise.

You make time speed up and slow down at the same time. It speeds up because I feel like I've known you for the longest time but then time slows down when I realize it's only been 4 months and I'm left blinking in surprise.

Flicker Of Truth

Surprisingly, falling in love and falling out of love isn't very different. Because, when it happens, you just know. And you also know that there's nothing much you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I wanted that break up and I still do. Don't ask me why, it's a long story. Whether I wanted it or not, I guess the grieving process is just the same. But I feel weird because I can't cry. I don't know why but I can't. I feel numb from head to toe and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I haven't been truly single since I was 16. It's not something I'm proud of, being the serial monogamist. Now that I'm alone... I guess I'm just at a loss at what to do. I don't know what is it I feel, when I'm alone.

God, I hate being emo.

Are you really here? Or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth.

Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

What do you call that feeling, an emptiness so deep, you want to bury yourself just to get away from it? When you want to sleep and never wake up until everything's different? And yet, you have to put on a strong front, not just because the person you love most depends on it, but because your job requires you to do so.

I've loved him for so long, I've got so many memories of him that I can't imagine what it'll be like if I didn't have him. No matter what I feel, I can't imagine my everyday without him. There were times when I loved him so much, I'd watch him, trying to memorize his face. The way his cheeks crinkle when he smiles, that line between his brows, that mole under his chin. There was a time when I'd know his scent anywhere. Even though time has calmed me down a bit, settled me from a fiery passion to a comfortable familiarity, I still love him with all my heart.

So tell me how do you let someone go? When they flip onto their ugly side and you don't think you can stand the sight of it and then, just as quickly, they flip back and you're left wondering if this will ever work. And if it won't work, where do I even begin to piece my heart back together?

If you're reading this, don't ask me about it. This is the last thing I want to talk about with you.

I Wish I Could Do This

I really want to kill someone right now.

You Know I'm Such A Fool For You

I try to be understanding. He's got his finals coming up next week and he's been studying really hard. We were supposed to go for a movie this weekend but he wanted to study so I said okay. Last week, he had his FYP and presentation. For the past two weekends he's had this autocad course.

It's not like I haven't seen him in weeks. I just saw him yesterday. But it was just a 2 hour chat over drinks and maggie goreng at a mamak stall and even then, I could feel he wasn't really there with me. He was upset over his exams and I couldn't stay for long because I know my mom's waiting for me back home. The night before we had a really huge argument over the phone. The next day, he couldn't do his exams so I resolved that that's the last time I argue with him before an exam. I should have let it slide. We went out last week but he was down with the flu so we didn't really enjoy ourselves.

It's been such a long time since we had an actual date. I miss all those times in college, when he would pick me up and take me for roti bom and we would laugh and talk all night. Now, whenever I want to see him, I have to check his schedule, fill up the car, drive 45km through all that horrible KL jam, just to spend 2 hours with him. And then I have to rush home and worry about my parents telling me off for coming home late.

Our love is not carefree anymore. We used to be able to go wherever we wanted, for however long we wanted to, and not care about anyone else but each other.

Now I can't even tell him I miss having him all to myself. Now all I can do is put on The Cranberries and Coldplay and hold all my tears in.

Mereka kata rindu itu indah. Namun bagiku ini menyiksa.

What I'm Going To Do Tomorrow

1. Call all the hospitals I sent my resume to last week and ask if I could do a walk-in interview. If all 7 hospitals say no, it's time to got to any nearby hospitals and beg for a job.

2. No1 criteria when choosing a hospital to work in : a hostel or any roof over my head. I don't care if they give me a sleeping bag and tell me to camp out the back of the ward. I will do it.

3. Complete any given assignments ASAP. I'm currently doing one and the payment's quite big (and it's all banked in) so now I just have to finish it as fast as I can and then spend that money as wisely as possible so I can start a new life.

4. Pack my stuff and move out.

One less person to speak to, one less irritation in my life. I've cut you out, and don't even think about asking me any favors or even looking at me for the rest of my life. Faham?

I envy people their close siblings, caring parents, families knitted tight and strong. When I hear about people saying how much they love their kids and can't imagine leaving their kids behind for even a night out, my stomach is in knots because I know that's not the way my mom feels about me.

God knows I've never identified with the term "rumahku, syurgaku" or "home sweet home".

Say whatever you want about me but I know you wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

And if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I fucking hate you, you pretentious bitch.

Dirty Confessions

1. I hate my body. I love my well-endowed front, but everything else than that makes me want to chop myself up and feed myself to the sharks. I've always felt this way, it didn't matter whether I was 50kg back when I was 16 or when I am the God-knows-how-many-kilos-I-am right now. I didn't even realize I was skinny way back then and thought everyone was pretty much insane for thinking I was too skinny. Well, now that I am cute as a hippo, I look back at my teenage photos in utter disbelief.

I'm trying to lose weight now but I know, even when I reach that target weight, after the elated victory subsides, I'm gonna start hating my body again. I really don't know why I'm like this or what to do.

2. I know I can be pretty sometimes but I think everyone else is way more gorgeous than I am. Look at all my friends, aren't most of them beautiful? I know birds of a feather flock together but I feel the ugliest of the bunch. I hate my huge front teeth, my balding hair, my freckles (thank God I hardly ever get pimples) and my super near-sightedness (I'll probably need Lasik in the near future) and how sometimes my eyes are so small, they can hardly be seen in a photo.

3. I can't handle numbers. I struggle with the simplest of maths and it makes me feel so stupid and I fear for my patient's lives. I will always have a calculator on me when I start working. I may be stupid but I do care not to let my stupidity kill someone.

4. Above all else, I hate my temper. My rage is so overwhelming sometimes, I feel sure that I will burst into flames. Which I probably will, later, in Hell, when I pay for my sins of hurting just about everyone I love. When I am angry, I can't listen to reason and whether you try to talk to me or not, everything is your fault. The only thing standing between me and murder is my faith in God, which I will be forever thankful. And also, after I've let out my wrath on someone, I then feel incredibly guilty but will hardly ever say sorry directly to you because I am so ashamed of myself and my huge ego.

5. I do not know how to relate to people. This has changed a bit since I entered nursing, I find it easier to talk to people and smile at strangers. But still, if it isn't in the name of nursing, I wouldn't turn to look twice at anyone and would mostly pass by people without a glance. People who don't know me call me stuck up, I know that and pretend not to care. But really. I find it difficult to make friends in a new environment. I just don't know the right things to say.

6. I have a strained relationship with my family. Enough said.

7. I have countless ex-boyfriends. Most of them was when I was a teenager and was trying to find comfort in a very lonely world. I really don't know who to blame but if you don't know my story, don't judge me just yet. I got cheated a lot and most of them left me and those who stayed, I left them for those who didn't. There were those who were abusive, there were those who lied with every single word they spoke, there were those who wanted me just to get their friends jealous. I've had too much of my share of rotten guys that I am amazed sometimes, of how I can still fall in love over and over again. Stupid much?

I know I have many things to be thankful for. Material things, as well as natural God given gifts that I have. I know that some of my good friends may counter what I say here with things that they love about me. But you know what? The truth is, I am so insecure that I'm practically keeping my arms around me just to keep myself from falling apart.

I know it's my fault for never being able to believe that you love me and only me. Given my history, my roots, my beliefs about myself, I really don't know what else to believe. How can you love someone like me without having the slightest itch for someone else?

I've had a rough night. I know that when I see him later today, I'll probably start crying all over again.

And I know right now I sound like someone who is in deep need of counselling.

Inna lillahi wa ina illahi ra'jiun

Today was the first time I went out wearing a tudung. Reason being : I wanted to try it out, I've been reading the Quran everyday for the whole month and have been thinking about turning over a new leaf. And I also wanted to go to an Islamic bookstore in Bangi to get myself a new Quran because mine is (according to my neighbor who's teaching me how to read) an older version.

After buka and maghrib prayers, me and Asrul headed over to Times Square because I wanted to treat him to a movie. The Expendables. I know how much he's wanted to watch that movie, even before it was released. We arrived at Times Square around 9.45 pm and got the 10 pm movie, which was perfect timing. When I was paying for the movie, I admitted I bragged a bit. I held my purse open and said "Banyaknye duit I". I just received my RA payment of rm160 and my dad gave me rm100 this morning before he left for Terengganu and I still had the rm50 my mom gave me for my chores last week. At the time, I had spent around rm30 for buka plus toll expenditures and rm22 for movie tickets and rm12 for popcorn and drinks. When I entered that movie hall, I had (give or take) around rm246 in my purse.

When I said "Banyaknye duit I", I had no intention of bragging at all. Asrul even said "Berlagak eh u" and at the time, it crossed my mind that perhaps, God will punish me for my arrogance but I brushed it away almost as soon as it entered my head. When I said what I said, I was actually in awe. I don't know why. It isn't unusual for me to lug around hundreds of ringgit in my purse but I haven't done so since I graduated and my parents stopped giving me pocket money and so, I was quite amazed at the amount of cash I had. And if I'm honest, I'd say there was a feeling in me that said "it's too good to be true".

We sat at the very back row. Seat A24 and A25. As usual, I placed my huge handbag right next to my foot, between him and me. I always place my handbag next to my foot but I make sure my foot is always touching it so I know it's there.

The movie was awesome. We were probably just 30mins into it when I had this disturbing feeling about my bag. Tak senang hati. So I picked it up and checked my phone. Usually, when I have this sort of feeling, it's because someone's calling me but I'm not picking up. I checked my phone. No missed calls. I had a feeling I had to place my phone in my pants pocket, just in case my parents called. But I ignored that feeling and placed it back into my bag and next to my foot. About 10mins later, I was still feeling unsettled. I picked up my bag again and was surprised to find it unzipped. My first thought was "Omg, did my eyeliner fall out?" I've lost 2 MAC eyeliners through my own carelessness of forgetting to zip up my bag.

My eyeliner was still there. I looked around on the floor and found my lip balm. I poked Asrul in the ribs and told him my bag was unzipped and asked him to check if there was anything on the floor. He looked around, even felt under the seat but there was nothing. So I zipped my bag and placed it next to my foot again.

Not 10mins later, I was still feeling unsure of myself. Something kept bugging me to check my purse that was in my handbag. And so, I reached, once more, for my bag. It was still unzipped. This time, I panicked a bit. I checked my purse. The latch was undone. I looked inside but all my things were there. I felt for the side pocket where I kept my cash.

It was empty. I couldn't believe it so I checked again. Perhaps my hand slipped under the cash. It was dark but when I looked, I was pretty sure my purse was empty of money. I looked again to make sure I was looking at the right pocket.

The money was really gone.

I shook Asrul. "Mana duit I???" He was surprised and checked it for me. While we were checking, someone emerged from behind our seat and ran for the exit that was right next to us. I was shocked beyond words. It was only when the door was closing that the reality hit me.

I've been robbed.

Asrul ran out the back door but he was gone. All I ever saw was a black shadow moving towards the door. I was so shocked, I couldn't believe what was happening.

We ran around the back stairs, me screaming at him and him screaming back at me.

"Kenapa u tak kejar dia?!"

"Selipar I putus la u, I nak kejar macam mana?!"

"U dah nampak dia dah, kenapa you tak kejar!!"

We were running up and down the emergency stairs, opening unlocked fire escapes, trying to find the bastard, all the while in a heated argument ourselves. It was hell. There were so many exits. Some led to storerooms, some led to back alleys. He could have easily escaped or hid somewhere.

In despair, we gave up after about 15mins of running up and down those stairs, opening doors that led nowhere. And then we got a bit lost trying to find our way back to the movie hall. When we did find our way back, I entered the hall in tears and he was shouting and cursing at GSC. Everyone was staring but no one offered any help or even asked us what was wrong. We left the hall screaming for the guy to stop, for one thing. And I'm pretty sure the couple seated next to us could hear what was going on.

Thank you, friendly Malaysians. Thanks for nothing.

We headed over to the GSC management, me ready to tear someone into pieces for leaving the back doors unguarded, and Asrul trying to hold me back and calm me down.

Long story short, no one wanted to claim responsibility. GSC brought us to the security office where they wanted us to file a report but when I asked what the report was for, they simply said it was "for feedback" and nothing much would be done. I didn't want to waste my time writing my heart out on a piece of paper that would then be stuffed far far away in some file in a long forgotten office but Asrul wrote and signed the report. I was crying and hyperventilating and couldn't sit still and wasn't going to listen to what anyone told me.

Can you believe that the GSC manager said that there's a sign at the movie entrance that clearly stated patrons were supposed to take care of their belongings and they claim no responsibility to lost or stolen property? And the security guards (the ones who can speak Malay la kan) said that I could lodge a police report and "kalau polis ambil serious case ni" then I can bring my report here and view the CCTVs.

No one helped us. When Asrul asked what action would they take, they answered some corporate crap that I can't even remember now. This is the attitude of people these days. If it didn't happen to them, they don't give a damn about other people's hardship. The stupid GSC manager even scoffed at me and mocked me about the emergency exits.

I am refraining from cursing in this post because I will mention Allah SWT here.

When I was running around the fire escape stairwell, all I could think of was,"Why is this happening to me? Why has Allah forsaken me? Haven't I been good lately? Haven't I prayed everyday for bad things not to befall me and the ones I love?"

Now that I have calmed down, I see now that I was wrong. If bad things never happened to good people, then we will never learn from life. I accept anything He chooses me to go through and I will be patient. He has not forsaken me for I am alive and well and all that I have lost is material things that are replaceable.

And hasn't He said to us that when disaster comes, however big or small, those who say "inna lillahi wa ina illahi ra'jiun" (Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return) and those who prevail in patience when tested are the ones who will prosper. It is He who gives and it is He who takes away.

I have surely failed this test of His. I cried and I screamed and I blamed just about everyone.

I am writing this post after just coming home from this ordeal. I am still traumatized and keep on replaying it all in my head. Everything that could have prevented it from happening. What if we had picked a different seat? What if I had held my bag in my lap? What if I had acted fast enough as soon as I discovered my bag was unzipped the first time? What if I had heeded my gut feelings and placed my phone in my pocket? What if I didn't step on Asrul's flops and broke it at the beginning of the movie so he could have run faster and caught the thief? What if I hadn't bragged about how much money I had?

There is nothing left to be done. My parents weren't upset when I called them, they were just concerned about me getting home safe and my dad said my money and hand phone can be replaced but that didn't erase the events of the day.

I will now go take a shower and stay up all night reading the Quran until I can't read and my eyes can't see and then I will pray for consequences for the thieving bastard, consequences both in the present and in the afterlife.

I hope he gets hit by a bus so that Allah SWT can deal with him.

Consolation

Quick post while I'm here at Oldtown Kajang.

I did my hair this morning! After 4 grueling hours of being propped up in a salon chair, I think my hair looks pretty good! I look like I actually have a whole head of hair instead of a few strands, for one thing.


And that is the only consolation I have after all my convocation pictures were lost in a faulty memory card and yesterday's trip to the beach where we ended up fighting almost the whole way back.

While I wait for the studio pictures, this is all I have left of my convocation pictures. Thank God for camera phones!


I do not want to think about those convocation pics. Already I feel a stab in my heart everytime I lay eyes on my friends' pictures.

Sorry eh tak komen gambar korang. Tak sanggup nak tengok.

A BIG congrats to my dearest friend Sai, who won the Best Bumiputera Engineering Student! Proud of you, Sai! Gosh, I wish I had studied harder.

Tengok, Syaz! Masa kat matrik dulu asyik fikir Sai ni busy buat kerja apa padahal sama class kan! Rupanya dia study macam gila time kitorg tengah tengok movie hari-hari kan!

Congrats Saiyang!

I Am Screwed Up Because

I'm feeling pretty emotional today. The answer to the why question is anybody's guess, since nothing major really happened. Anyway, they say putting your feelings into words can make you feel better, so let me vent on how I feel.

1. I think everyone's prettier than me. That's right, I'm talking about you, even if the mirror shows you, as a fat, pimple-plagued geek with braces. I think you'd be prettier than me right now.

It could be because I'm still recovering from a pretty bad flu and am just glad no one's here to witness my sniffing and hawking and my leaving a trail of tissues wherever I go. My hair really needs a visit to the salon. For rebonding and re-coloring. But what it really needs is to go to Yun Nam hair care. You could probably see my scalp from 10 miles away.

2. If I told you I weigh 100kg, would you believe me? Well, it seems like I'm making my way there. Today I had 3 slices of cheesecake (there's a whole cake in the fridge which my mom bought just for me), 1 for lunch and 2 for dinner. Had Special K with strawberries for breakfast and sushi for lunch and cooked tofu chicken and steamed vege for dinner, which I ended up eating alone because my parents had to go out.

I thought of going for a jog in the evening but then I fell asleep on the couch with the TV on.

3. I really, really want my life to start. Right now. What do I mean by "life"? I mean working and earning and living on my own. I mean going out with girlfriends whenever I want to and spending late nights out with my boyfriend. Sure, he doesn't really go out at night even when we had the option but you know what, it's just nice to know that you can. And I want my own money and the freedom to spend it and live my messy little life without being screamed at everyday.

4. I hate this stupid flu. I've been breathing through my mouth for 3 days now. It's tiring!

5. I check my e-mail everyday, twice a day. Once when I wake up, and one more time at night, in case someone decided to reply my resume in the evening. I've written to 5 hospitals, waited for 4 working days (excluding weekends) and still... no word.

6. I really regret telling my mum that I wanna join a gym when I'm a working gal. Now she goes on and on about how it's a sin to have to pay to exercise and today she went on about some guy writing to the papers about being harassed by the gym people because he wants to quit the gym.


Tomorrow I'm going to UKM Bangi to pay my convocation bills, then off to Shah Alam to see Asrul. We'll probably spend the whole day together. Saturday we'll probably go catch a movie. Sunday, if my pay is in, we'll head down to Melaka.

Pfftt. I still don't feel any better.

In Search Of Freedom

So here's my situation.

The Nursing Board exam is this Wednesday and I haven't studied a single thing because I'm too busy with the World Cup. I stay up almost every night to catch the game, especially when Argentina, Brazil, Spain, or England is playing. Argentina and Brazil has so far played the best, which makes staying up late very much worth it. England's games are so far a real snooze and Spain will have to prove themselves tonight. Me and Asrul will be going out later to watch the game, probably at Dataran Merdeka.

So anyway, my research assistant job tanked, due to some technical problems that I will not divulge right now. So I will be free all through July. I understand and empathize with the problems faced by the researcher but I can't help but feel disappointed because now, I will have to stay home. Now, I will be out of money.

And now, I will be under the reign of my parents.

I have always been a stubborn, rebellious kid. And so, I highly treasure my independence ever since my high school years ended and I entered matriculation in Kedah. For the past 5 years, I have always been able to go wherever I want, whenever I want to, and with whomever.

Don't get me wrong, my intentions are not sinister and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And I do try to get home every weekend or every 2 weeks, the very least. At home, I cook and clean, iron and wash, and all that housework. Just last weekend I washed 4 cars in 2 days.

I don't really mind all that housework because hey, it's just on weekends and the rest of the 5 days in a week, I get to do whatever I want. I can go out for sushi, movies with Asrul, gossiping with Sai, and laugh like mad with Ezzura. If no one's available, I can at least get myself pizza or a huge plate of sushi at Jusco Maluri and spend my day watching movies and reruns.

I treasure my independence.

After the exam on Wednesday, I will have to pack up my room in college and move back home. Home is 45km away in Mantin a.ka. middle of nowhere. It is so deserted that Telekom hasn't built phone lines in my housing area, which rules out Streamyx and my dad's Maxis Broadband's signal is so low, I might as well not have internet.

My parents work 5 days a week, my dad works for just 2 days but the rest of the time he's playing golf so it's just me and that empty house. Oh, I forgot. I have a fish pond and a catfish in a tank. Fun, eh? No internet for most days, just TV. My cat passed 3 years ago so there'll be no cute fur ball to cuddle. I will not be receiving any pocket money so it's very likely that I won't be meeting up with friends or my boyfriend for the next 2 months or so.

My mom might argue my boredom by saying there's tonnes of things to do at home. Vacuuming, mopping, doing the laundry, ironing, washing the cars, cleaning out the fish pond, sweeping the front lawn, helping out with the gardening, and the many, many housewife work that she'll probably nag my ears off to do.

Fine, I really don't mind helping out with the housework (just today I ironed all my parents' clothes, which took a gruesome 7 hours) but, because I'm living under their roof, I have to go by their rules (I've been hearing this ever since I could understand language) and that probably means that going out once a week is hard enough, and no staying out past 7 p.m.

Plus, I'll probably have to cook dinner on most days, and when I cook, I'll probably eat too, so be prepared for Azwa The Gargantuan.

I can only start sending out my resume after the Nursing Board exam results and that will take at least a month.

Entahlah. I know it's wrong for me not to want to stay at home but it doesn't have anything to do with me not loving my parents or being an ungrateful daughter but it's just that I'm an adult now. I'll be 22 in August. But parents never understand that. And I just can't take all that arguing and shouting and negativity that is bound to happen if I stay home for more than a week.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. But I can't help it.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

Ever since last week, I have been thinking about so many things. I have become unsure of myself, of my relationship. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I can even trust him. Something happened that made me rethink my choices and if I've misplaced my trust.

I've always had trust issues. I find it very hard to believe in promises and I tend to over analyze situations to detect lies and inconsistencies.

I do not take it very well when someone promises change and then does things that show he hasn't changed very much. Even worse when he's doing it behind my back and then tried to avoid me when I question him and then upon admitting it, tries to find some lame fault of mine and make it his ultimate weapon.

Sure, I've broken people's trust before but at least I know how to be courteous about it and not find some stupid blame about the other person and make it look as if I'm so innocent. I may not say sorry as often as I should but at least I do not fake innocence.

What he did last week, and then something else that I found out today... it's made me so doubtful of him, sometimes I wonder why am I in this relationship anyway. Aside from the fact that I love him (how could I not, after being with him for almost 3 years), I really don't have any other reason.

When I was younger, I would agree that all you need in a relationship is love. Love each other and everything will be okay, you can weather the storm if you have love. But as I grow older, I've found out that love isn't enough.

You need respect.

Respect is what keeps you from hurting one another intentionally when you're so mad at each other. Respect is what makes you keep your promises because you truly believe your partner deserves that. Respect is what keeps you from cheating because you believe your partner is the best person for you.

It's not that I don't have respect in my relationship. It's just that it isn't enough. Or maybe we're both still too young to know how to work this thing right.

Oh, all I can say right now is that I am pissed. I am so mad at him right now. And what a great time for me to find out these things about him, when right after what he did last week made me think of all the qualities I want in my man.

That's right, it's a cliche but I feel like I'm done with boys. I want a man who will stand up for me. Who will be patient for me and protect me from jerks who steal my parking lot. I want a man who can talk to me about current events, even politics when I feel like it.

Just when I've been thinking of all this, and figuring out if he measures up to my expectations, he goes and do something stupid and I find out about it, thanks to Facebook.

I know I have some pretty high expectations. I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be honest with me and to keep his word. And I don't think what I want is irrational either. All I'm asking is for him to keep his temper when we're arguing and to behave when I'm away.

Is that too much to ask?

He goes on and on about how he's trying to improve himself for me but sometimes I ask myself this: If he really is The One for me, then why can't I just accept him as he is?

I really don't have the answer to that.

If I'm honest, I'd say it's obvious that I'm in denial and that we're forcing things to be all perfect and right between us again.

But you know why I'm doing this? Why I can't let go even though I know I can probably do better and he'd probably be a lot happier dating a girl who isn't so high maintenance, and I probably know we're gonna break up somewhere along the road because we have so little in common?

I am still with him for just one reason.

Love.

I wish there was a button on everyone that said "Remove from heart" so you can delete them the same, easy way you can banish them from your Facebook.

I Am Sad Today

Because :

1. I wanted to buy a floral dress, or at least a floral skirt, but I couldn't because I'm out of time and money (okay, I'm out of money), and it's not just that I want to wear a floral dress to the hi-tea function this Sunday, but it's because I've been dying to wear one for quite some time now.

2. I almost hit this pakcik's car while reversing out of Asrul's rented house, but I didn't hit his car, I repeat didn't, but when Asrul got down to see if everything was alright, the old fart was so rude, it ruined our whole night just as it was starting.

3. He lost his futsal match today, even though he scored one goal but didn't take pride in it because he claimed it was "too easy".

4. After the match, he didn't want to go for drinks with his friends like he always does. I could see he wasn't okay the whole night long (he played like a zombie) but every time I asked if he was alright, he replied he was fine. I hate being lied to.

5. I hate people sitting in the passenger seat and commenting on my every driving technique. It's as annoying as scraping fingernails on a blackboard. Enough said.

6. At the end of the night, he got out of the car mad, and I left feeling both sad and angry. When I parked at a roadside and called him, it only made things 10 times worse.

7. When I got back and read his really long text, I couldn't process a single word of it but then again, I really don't care. I just want all these feelings to go away.

8. He did not reply my last text. I think he fell asleep.

9. I have to be up at 8 a.m. tomorrow, and I haven't read a thing for "cross-taking". It's almost 3 a.m. now.

PS/ When I said you've never made me happy, I don't really mean never. But I'm a girl, it's practically in my genes to exaggerate. What I really meant was, all we ever do lately is fight. Even if we don't spend the whole day fighting, it will always begin or end with an argument. I'm tired of all this. I just want to be happy.

Tension tahu tak?

We're All Screwed Up In Our Own Special Way

Today I went home for dinner because my mum called up and said she's cooking Western tonight (i.e., chicken chop). There was no special occasion so I pretty much figured out she needed my help at home. And she did.

We packed sweets in little packets for my sister's wedding in June, folded the invitation cards, then I made mash potato and steak sauce.

Now I'm back in college, feeling so down in the dumps that I can't do much to feel better. I'm not expecting a huge thanks from my mum for helping out. But I do not like being shouted at and my questions ignored. I feel so unappreciated right now, I want to cry.

When someone screams at me, my reflex is to either scream back or cry. I'm not going to tell you which one I did cause actually, I'm not really sure which reaction I chose. Sure, my mum was all fine when I left home but while I was driving, all I was thinking about was somewhere where I could just park, blast the radio out loud and stare into space.

I feel bad cause I'm not letting Asrul comfort me and I know it's killing him. But I just can't pretend to feel better when he texts me comforting words. I appreciate the effort, I really do, but I can't just smile and pretend everything's okay with me when inside, I just want to be alone right now.

I find it hard to talk about my family. Because I know I will cry and I hate crying. I don't think crying is weak, it's just ugly on me. So I keep it all in, listen to loud, fast and angry music that doesn't make sense because that is how I feel right now. I don't want a hug, I don't want to talk about it. Because I know I will cry.

No questions as to why I want to work far, far away.

I know I'm lucky. My parents can afford me things most people can't. And I know life can't be perfect. You gain some, you lose some. But sometimes I just wish they would show they care, and not just by providing the material things in life, though I know that's how they show it.

I can't say all that I want to say here without sounding like an ungrateful daughter. I am thankful for all they've done for me. If only they knew of an essay I wrote in my 2nd year for Nursing Theories. We were to write about how we came into nursing, and I wrote about my parents.

I got an A for that paper.

In truth, I don't mind crying so much, as long as there's no audience. But crying over family matters? It tears me up. Because it makes me think of my childhood and my teenage years, and boy was that screwed up.

I heard from somewhere that when we are young, we blame our parents for all our flaws. Then, as we grow older and have kids of our own, we blame our children for not being right. It's a vicious cycle humans tend to make.

So I will not blame my parents. I know they are trying to be good parents, in the best way they know how, with all the resources they have.

But I know there's a reason for all my insecurities and why I am such an emotional wreck.

Sumpah sakit hati malam ni.

The Angel Heaven Let Me Think Was You

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait
Tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance
Take a fall, take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat
It's nothing new

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize



He didn't even say he's sorry, but then again, I didn't give him the chance to. Because I know there is no way I could ever forgive him. I've never felt so betrayed in my life.

Don't get me wrong. The only feelings I have left for him is hate.

I asked God for strength
He gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked God for wisdom
He gave me problems to solve.

He was my problem, he gave me difficulties, and I think now I have gained strength and wisdom. But no, I'm not gonna thank him. (Ish, every time I even think of him, so many curse words go through my head, I think I must be maturing now that I am able to stop myself from screaming them out at him).

I thank God for waking me up. For letting me see things the way they actually are, and not the way I wanted things to be. It's true, you know, that people see what they want to see. If you find a reason to hate someone, you're likely to find it. The same way that I looked for reasons to like him, and I found them.

Let this end here. I don't ever want to go back there again. Never ever ever.

What goes around, comes around, but I hope it hits you harder.

Just An Empty Shell

Lost in this world
Though the light shines so bright
Life has become such a blur
I wish I could vanish from sight.

Love was a game
I did not play well
Appalled by the scars I gave
Dig me a grave somewhere.

Hold me close
I'm about to fall apart
Arms around me are just ghosts
Of someone who touched my heart.