Why I Love Being A Nurse

Ever since I was 7 and teachers asked that inevitable question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I always knew I wanted to be a veterinarian. One of my earliest memories is of me at about 3 or 4, where I wandered around the back alley of my old house in Kajang and heard kittens crying. I looked everywhere in that back alley for the source of that crying and found 2 kittens in the drain, still with its' placentas attached. They were wet, cold, and mewing those high pitched cries that still, to this day, make me wander off to look for distressed kittens.

I remember getting into that drain and it was quite deep too, it must've reached up to my neck, at least. But I've always been a tomboyish girl, so I scooped the kittens into the palms of my hands, placed them outside the drain and hoisted myself out of there. I took them home and asked my very disgusted mother if I could keep them. Suffice to say I did not get to keep those kittens and, after a while, my parents got so sick of me bringing home stray cats that they got me a cat of my own.

My childhood dream was to open up an animal hospital. Most kids abandon silly little ambitions like that when they hit puberty but by the time I reached matriculation at the age of 17, I still wanted to be a vet. There was only that short period of time when I was 16 and me and Ezzura wanted to be lawyers, simply because we thought it was hot to be wearing sexy, stylish, office clothes.

When I was done with my SPM, I got an offer from UPM for a diploma course in animal health and I was ecstatic. It was my dream come true but then, my mom persuaded me against it, saying that vets don't make it very well in Malaysia, especially in the government sector and I believed her because I've been to government animal clinics and it was no more than a shack by the roadside. It never hit me, then, that if I became a vet, I would be a government animal doctor. I was thinking more like Steve Irwin or all those other people who travel and document wild animals and treat them or rehabilitate them and stuff.

Since I wasn't sure what course I had to take to be the next Steve Irwin, I decided to go to matriculation while I thought things through. If I really wanted to be a vet, I could go on and do a degree in animal health, couldn't I?

It was when I was in matriculation that my dad introduced me to nursing. He showed me an article on the front page of the New Straits Times and, at the time, I had never even thought of nursing as a career choice. It wasn't that I hated nursing, it's that I've never even seen a nurse my whole life, except for the ones who came by in primary school and taught us how to brush our teeth right. Even then, it didn't register to me that they were nurses, qualified health professionals, I simply thought they were adults teaching us how to brush right.

So I did my research in nursing and was intrigued by midwifery. I was impressed that nurses could branch into so many specialties and so, I settled my heart there and then to venture into nursing and have never looked back since.

Sure, I still wander into every pet shop I can find, whenever I can. I can never ever resist pet shows and I intend to volunteer at the SPCA in the near future (I actually volunteered there once when I was 10). I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I see roadkill and I drive extra slow and carefully around my neighborhood, not for fear of hitting children, but for fear of hitting kitties.

As I grew up, I became more and more conscious of openly showing my affection for animals. I'd shy away from a cat I was about to approach whenever I see someone coming. I'd only talk to cats when no one's there. Yes, I do sound crazy and I'm aware of how it makes me look and that is why I stopped doing it in public.

And yet, nursing is the best career for me. Not only do I get to venture into the medical field, making a difference in someone's life everyday, but I also get to show affection. It may surprise some people to know how soft and gooey I am inside. Sometimes, when I read a sad piece of news in the papers, I'd have to stop and take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. It sounds stupid and I know how it looks like and again, I don't like showing this part of me.

Being a nurse, I like standing at the bedside of a patient, trying to comfort her not just through words, but through facts that I've learnt during my 4 years of training. When a patient is unconscious and the family is looking anxious outside, I am the first to ask the doctor if he's informed the family of the patient's condition and would he like to do it or should I? And while everyone is in the middle of chaos, rummaging drawers for syringes and medications, going through observation charts and past history, I'd be the one person standing next to the patient's bed, holding her hand and telling her it's going to be okay. That her vitals are slightly above average but we're doing everything we can, you're in safe hands.

I love nursing because it allows me to be kind without being judged. I can be a really shy and sensitive person but life has taught me to be firm and strong. That if you didn't have your feet planted firmly on the ground, people could just blow you away. Being a nurse lets me be that kind, patient person you can depend on, so different from my bad tempered, egoistic alter ego. It lets me be the person I want to be, versus the person that I have to be.

It's true what they say, you know. That if your heart's in the right place, you can never lose by doing what you love to do.

Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down - Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult.

My First Job

Tajuk post macam esei kanak-kanak kan? Hahaha.

Who would've thought my first job would be with a private hospital? When I was a student, I swore I wouldn't go into private healthcare, what with all the racked up charges and sometimes, unnecessary ward admissions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I will not discuss my career plans here, because I am not that stupid. I only want to discuss my first day, more for the benefit of my juniors and classmates so that they'll know what to expect. And also for my close friends, to let them know I'm doing okay.

On the first day, I had to put on this really dorky white shirt and black slacks. I was brought to the Human Resource and met the Chief Nursing Officer. While waiting in the lobby, I chatted with another new nurse, a diploma graduate who worked in a different private hospital for 3 months prior to this current hospital we were at. I thought it was real silly of her, resigning her RM 2400 post for one which barely pays you 2K. I guess she has her reasons but if it were me, I wouldn't be going anywhere.

While we were chatting, it surfaced that I was a graduate and she was a diploma holder. So she asked me,"Tak rasa rugi ke, ambil degree tapi sama je gaji dengan diploma?" and she also asked the inevitable, "degree dengan diploma apa bezanya?" My blood did boil when I heard these questions, but I kept a cool surface and instead, applauded her for her ignorance. I answered that the difference between degree and diploma holders were the entry requirements, and that the degree course had more professional development courses, we learn in English, and our classes were smaller so we are more focused and integrated. It's not much of an answer but I kept telling myself, let my actions speak louder than words. I'll prove to them what the difference is so that they can actually see it instead of just hearing but not believing. My answer to the other question was simple. "Tak rugi sebab degree lagi cepat naik and lagi senang nak sambung belajar and kalau nak kerja overseas, nursing board western countries tak recognize diploma."

So we were later brought to meet the Chief Nursing Officer (CNO). She eyed us both up and down and turned to the other girl, saying "Mana badge awak? Kenapa dia pakai badge tapi awak tak pakai?" I looked at the floor but inside, I was like "hah!!" I knew putting on that badge would bring me some good. Well, I actually put it on because I didn't want to look like a caterer in my black and white outfit. At least the badge had the words "Jururawat Berdaftar Malaysia" to prove that I am a nurse.

The girl smiled sheepishly and squeaked that she "forgot" to put it on. She was then introduced to the Head Nurse for her assigned unit and taken away. I sat there and the CNO looked at my interview sheets and asked me when was I going to complete my degree course. I said I've already completed it and graduated in August. She then raised her eyebrows and asked me from which college did I graduate from and I said "UKM". I could tell she was impressed. She asked how old I was and I said 22. I then had to explain to her that I did a 4-year course straight from matriculation and had no previous working experience apart from part time jobs.

She told me that, from the interview, it was remarked that I had a good family background and excellent command of the English language so why does someone like me want to be a nurse? I smiled and told her how my dad suggested nursing for me when I was 17 and I did my research and found it to be a very interesting field because you can branch into so many specialties and how, initially, I found midwifery to be my area of interest. But then, after 4 years of studying nursing, I find that I cannot choose which area I like the most because I love it all and have never regretted my decision to enter nursing.

We spoke in English and when the Head Nurse of my assigned unit arrived, the CNO introduced me to her and told her I'm a graduate nurse with no working experience but a very good knowledge base. She then turned to me, told me "I think you can go very far in nursing and I hope you'll like it here". She even stood up, shook my hand, and walked me to the door.

Oh, sungguh dan sangat lah puas hati dapat layanan macam ni dari CNO, especially after that demotivating conversation with the other new girl.

I will not tell you the rest of my first day in such detail, because a)it's my fourth day already and I can't remember that much and b)I think it's more important that I stress on the take home point rather than my experience in detail which will mean nothing to some people.

I was then brought to the Emergency Department, my assigned unit. It's more commonly called the A&E (Accident & Emergency) among medical staff. I was introduced to the morning staff, including the clerks at the counter and then taken into the Head Nurse's office. In the office, I was explained, at length, about the rules and regulations of the hospital (I had to fight my urge to yawn) and on how my working hours will be like.

And then the Head Nurse did something that I don't think I'll get in any government hospital. She took me for a tour of the whole hospital. And I mean the whole hospital, from the top floor where the CNO's office was, right down to the basement where they did the laundry and housekeeping. And it's not just a tour of what is where, it's also a tour of who is where.

"Hai, saya Azwa, staff nurse baru di A&E".

That was my line of the day. I had to introduce myself to everyone. The physiotherapists, the doctors, the radiographers, the lab technicians, the clerks, the nurses, the care assistants, the cleaners, the security guards. I have never been so mortified my whole life. The people were all really friendly, making nice remarks like "Welcome" and"Nice to meet you". I've noticed, in the past 4 days I've been working here, that people are really friendly. Even the doctors are nice. And it's not just with the patients (obviously, they're paying for it so they have to be nice) but its the culture between staff too. Everyone smiles at each other every morning and even greet each other. It's creepy at first but then you get used to it and you start to practice it too. So I guess that's part of fostering a healthy environment.

I was also introduced to the doctors in the A&E. One doctor started quizzing me, on why I didn't take medicine anyway, since I have a nursing degree. I could go on to take medicine overseas, but the bottom line is, I like being a nurse. I don't want to give myself a headache trying to figure out patient's diagnoses and treatment plan. I like being the caregiver, advocator, and educator. He didn't believe me so he even asked for my GPA. I told him and he nodded and mumbled "Well... that's okay... borderline". Whatever. But he turned out to be alright. Sure, he quizzes me a lot and wants to see me do procedures so that he can assess whether I'm really all that good, but you know what? I like it that he does that. Because, so far, I haven't failed myself yet. I've answered all his questions without blinking and did all the procedures right (thank God!). I think it's great that I've got the opportunity to prove to people that graduate nurses are different.

It may be daunting, people constantly watching me, scrutinizing, skeptical about my credibility, some even waiting for me to mess up. But the up side is that it keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly looking for something to do, I never forget to say please and thank you, I refrain from gossiping (but my ears are always open), I read up everyday so that I know the right things and ask the right questions.

So that's really okay. The people here are nice, especially my co-workers. Usually, in government hospitals, you have to make an effort to learn. If you don't ask and show interest, no one's going to pay attention to you (sometimes you get the same treatment even if you do) but here, I have people coming up to me everyday and offering to teach me something new.

The aforementioned doctor asked me to perform a Mantoux test on a patient and I would have peed my pants if it wasn't for the fact that I had the exact same test performed on me last year. I have never done a sub-dermal injection my whole life. The nurses usually don't let us students try it out because it's very easy to mess up and end up giving the injection too deep within the skin layer. But I've seen how it's done on me and felt pretty confident (plus, I won't let that doctor one up me). Some of my colleagues were nervous for me and even tried to give me last minute tips as I started to prepare for the injection and the doctor was slowly making his way out of his office towards the treatment area. I took in most of the advice, though my ears were quite deaf due to the sound of my thumping heart.

I did the injection with no less than 5 nurses and the doctor surrounding me. It was like a little circus. After I had given the injection, the doctor started quizzing me on how long it will take to show results and how big would the swelling have to be to show that it was positive. I answered him right, thanks to the occupational nurse in London who did the Mantoux test on me last year and told me a great deal of information about the test. God bless you, occupational nurse.

I quite like it here at the A&E. One of the bright sides is that I don't have to deal with nursing reports. We usually just treat the patient and then discharge/admit/transfer the patient. There are also plenty of opportunities to practice things you don't usually get to do in wards because it's usually done by doctors. These include blood taking, IV cannulation, and male catheterization. This morning I even did a blood culture and sensitivity (C&S), which my colleague was so kind as to offer me to do the job and supervised me and later congratulated me on a job well done. Like I said, the people are real nice here.

I love my job, but I hate the pay. But it's my first job, I can't expect too much. I'm doing it more for the experience than for the money. Tomorrow is my day off! I can't wait to see my daling.

When's Life Gonna Start?

I've been really emotional lately.

Well, more than usual anyway. I don't know if it's the part-time job or the raging hormones (I was 2 weeks late this month, yet again), or just me being too worried about my future, as always.

Graduation isn't even here yet but here I am, worried that I'll be one of those graduates with nowhere to go. Every time I hear the term "nursing shortage", I just want to laugh.

Nursing shortage, you say?

"Hello, Prince Court, may I please inquire about available nursing positions?"

"I'm sorry, we don't have any vacancies right now but send in your resume anyway".

Okay. So I did.

"Hello, HUKM, may I please inquire about available nursing positions?"

"I'm sorry, we don't have any nursing positions available right now but feel free to fill up the application form".

So I did. Well, halfway anyway, my black ink pen died on me right in the middle of the form and I have yet to find another black ink pen. I'm not too hopeful on HUKM anyway, because they're offering diploma pay.

The day I take up a nursing job with a diploma pay is the day I grit my teeth and slap myself for not taking that stupid JPA scholarship because I was too damn lazy.

You know what? This is gonna sound soooooo cocky and full of myself but I'm gonna say it anyway because I am so anxious to get a job right now.

I know I'm a good nurse who deserves the U41 pay that I've worked my ass off for the past 4 years to get. I know I can make a difference in nursing, because I love this profession and will not settle for anything less than the respect and dignity that nursing deserves. I want to see this beloved profession of mine grow and be empowered and I want to be a part of that process. The fact that I can't even secure a nursing job, (and not just any nursing job, I'm a picky person because I want a place with potential to grow, not a dead end job that will keep me hidden in a ward as I grow sideways) just kills me.

Because I know I can do better than some nurses who don't even want to be in the profession. Who are getting along day by day just for the money and doing a mediocre job.

I'm not saying all nurses are like this, but I'm sure you've come across or at least heard of nurses like this.

It kills me that they are in the profession but I'm not.

I know I'm being stupid because I've hardly graduated but I hate waiting around for life to happen. As you all probably know by now, I'm not a very patient person.

An Angel Whispered In My Ear

Okay, I can't take it anymore. I want to blog.

Yesterday, Asrul made me mad. I wanted to blog out my feelings but I managed to stop myself since exams are so close now. Few days back, I also wanted to blog about some stuff but I still managed to hold myself back.

Today, I found a whole new life direction and I can't take it anymore.

So here I am, blogging despite the fact that my OSCE sucked moderately this morning.

As soon as I got back from OSCE, me and Asrul went to watch A Nightmare On Elm Street, which wasted RM 13 of my precious cash for a stupid horror movie with an inconclusive ending. Seriously people, if I were given 3 wishes, one of them is to go back in time and stop myself from watching that stupid movie.

Anyway, when we were done with the movie, I decided to check out the job vacancies in the shopping mall since signs of "Vacancies" were plastered at the door of almost every shop. 30 mins and about 5 disappointing restaurants and 2 effed up clothes shops later, I was thoroughly demotivated and dismayed.

Most franchises (Starbucks, Secret Recipe, etc) said to try at their other outlets, some said they wanted male workers, others said they wanted full-timers. But you know what pissed me off the most?

I really don't care for vacancy notices that add "Chinese female only" or "able to converse in Mandarin is an advantage". Though it does sting of racism, maybe it's because of their customer preferences.

But don't put up a vacancy sign advertising a pay of RM 7/hr, even emphasizing immediate vacancies available, and then when I walk in to enquire, look at me top to bottom and say "no, we're not hiring". Damn you, Sakae Sushi. Damn your racism, stereotype culture, and your rude manager with the pimply face and ugly hairdo that I can only describe as a messed up version of pre-teen Justin Bieber.

So long story short, sick of rejection and putting up a smiling face only to get shot down, I told Asrul to send me home. As I was climbing up the stairs in college, I was suddenly struck by a muse.

Why not volunteer work? I can offer my professional skills, do things I've always wanted to do and no one will ever say "no, we don't want you to work with us for free". Besides, I'm only looking to fill up my time for the month of June and I've been racking my brains on how to tell potential employers that I'm only available for a month. Sure, I can lie but I'm really bad at it, I'm 99% sure I'll get caught.

I Googled "volunteer work in Kuala Lumpur" and got a host of favorable results. My top choices?

I really want to work with children. I love kids, especially those who can't talk yet, sleep all the time, smile and laugh for the smallest of reasons, and love you just because you are there. What are those kids called again? Babies.

The short visit I once had a few years back at an orphanage near UKMMC was one of the main reasons I imagine myself volunteering at an orphanage. Bathing babies, putting them to sleep, feeding and cuddling them, who can ask for a better job? And this one time, when we were posted in the pediatrics ward, I got really close to this 9-month-old orphan named Alif. He is the main reason I want to work with orphans. I miss him.

I have a few orphanages in mind but I haven't really thought it out yet because a) I don't want to work in missionary orphanages (you know, the kind where it's religiously grounded because I think it's morally risky, most NGO orphanages tend to be Christian based) and b) I need to choose a place close to me or at least one that I love enough to travel far and wide to.

Second volunteer work on my list is in animal shelters. Main reason being that I love cats and I've always wanted to be a vet so here's my chance to branch out of nursing for a while. Paws looked favorable but it's all the way in Subang, I might as well go to the SPCA in Ampang which is way nearer but I also have several things to think through about this.

Firstly, I do not want to work in animal shelters that kill unwanted animals. First thing I need to know before committing myself to becoming a volunteer is if the facility has a no kill policy. I do not want to get real close to a kitten only to come in one morning and find out that it's been "put to sleep". And secondly, I'm a little bit allergic to cats. Okay. I'm actually really allergic to cats.

The day I found out about my cat allergy was a sad, sad day for me. I suddenly developed this allergy sometime during my college years and though it's well-known that allergies take time to develop, I can't believe that after almost 20 years, I am now allergic to cats.

I am, however, clinging to the hope that allergies come and go. Pray for me, people.

Next on the list is volunteering for Hospis Malaysia. This is where I can really use my nursing skills, caring for the dying, but again there are pros and cons. Firstly, as I said before, this is my last chance to work out of my nursing area for a while. Secondly, I think dying is depressing. However rewarding it must be to care for someone at the end of their life when they are unable to care for themselves, I think I will be really bummed out if one of my patients died. It's different from a patient of yours in the ward who died because you are caring for at least another 5 so you don't get attached too much. Even then, I feel a sense of sadness. I once had to run to the toilet and take a few deep breaths to pull myself together when a patient's relative broke down in front of me when she died.

Imagine caring for the same person everyday and then holding her hand as she dies or getting up one morning thinking of all the things you want to do for the person and then finding out that she's gone? There will be time for tears for me if I delve into palliative care.

My final choice is teaching English for under-privileged children. Okay, my English isn't that good (my mum constantly teases that she wonders how I got Band 6 when I always mix up "lending" and "borrowing" and say "take over" instead of "overtake") but really, when the institute wants a volunteer to teach and not an actually qualified professional, they can't be expecting much, can they? Besides, the teaching positions I've found are for children aged 5 - 13 and another job was at Montfort Boys Town.

Montfort Boys Town is directly behind Asrul's Politeknik Shah Alam. I pass it almost every week going to his futsal games and I've always wondered what the place was for. Now I know but again, I'm worried that it's a missionary. Not that it's wrong to help people of other religions. I strongly believe that humans were all made into different cultures and religions to help each other but... well, let's just say that my religious background isn't all that grounded and so, I'm doubtful about many things when it comes to this sort of stuff.

You know what's the best part about volunteering? That they don't need you everyday and it's your call whether or not you want to show up. So really, I don't have to choose just one. I could do orphanage work one day, animal shelter stuff the next, teach English once a week or so. I might do some research on autistic institutions or spastic centers, so there's more to choose from.

I've never thought of volunteer work and really, I am absolutely not the kind of person who wants to spread love and joy, and all that positive crap but I don't know how, I don't know why, when I came back from that little job hunt today, something somewhere told me that I could spend a month doing something I love and make a difference too. I'll be working soon anyway (I'm sending my resume to Prince Court Medical Center while awaiting the ministry interview) so there really is no need for big bucks right now.

So my calendar is all filled up! When all you can give is your time, why not help the needy?

Waking Up The Supergirl In Me

This will be my last post until after my theory exams, which will end on the 19th of this month. My hectic schedule only really ends on the 27th but I think after the 19th, I'll be a little more relaxed by then.

Today we had a briefing on our Objective Structured Clinical Examination (OSCE) which will be in just 2 days time. That's 48 hours from now. I have yet to cover all topics and now I truly regret my laid back, no worries attitude towards exams. We visited the clinical skills lab today and it was only then that the reality of exams hit me. If I do not pass, I will not be a licensed nurse. If I do not pass, I will have to come back next year.

Last night I calculated my estimated CGPA for my whole 4 years here in UKM. If I score a 3.5 average this semester, my CGPA will only be 3.38. Pathetic, huh? So I'd better score above 3.5 this semester (which is a tough feat).

My supervisor returned my thesis today, with little comment and minor corrections. Which is good, I guess? Now all that's left to do is the minor corrections, printing out those corrections and preparing the presentation slides by this Friday. I want to get that out of the way A.S.A.P.

My to do list, for now :

1. Study like mad for OSCE.

2. Ensemble all my clinical items and make sure my uniform is wrinkle-free. Oh, I need to re-starch my cap tonight.

3. After OSCE, I need to prepare my research presentation slides.

4. After submission of thesis on Friday, I need to study like mad for the theory exams on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I think I'll read Law & Ethics as a sort of bedtime story before putting lights out every night, and totally focus my daylight activity on Gerontology and go through my Nursing Management notes during mealtimes.

5. After exams on Wednesday, I can afford to hang around for a bit (I really wanna watch A Nightmare On Elm Street!) and then I have to get down to rehearsing my presentation on the 24th.

6. After the 24th, it's time to do some reviewing of the topics covered in the exams for VIVA on the 27th.

7. After the 27th, I have to call Sai and Ezzura to organize some real party and shopping time!


By the end of this month, I'll be looking for a part-time job (probably in Starbucks) for the month of June, while waiting to sit for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of June. I'll be working in the day and studying at night (I hope) and when July comes around, I'll be hopping all over Malaysia with my lecturer as a research assistant. By July I should really be sending out my resume to hospitals for a nursing position while I wait for the interview from the Health Ministry. I'll probably work in some private hospital before going into the government sector. My first choice would really be to work for UKMMC but I heard all the nursing positions are closed up till December and I really can't afford to wait.

Early August will be my convocation.

So there, that's all my plans mapped out till somewhere near end of 2010. I really hope that by early 2011, I'll be writing from Sabah.

I am super exhausted. I'm suffering from difficulty in sleeping, even though I went jogging yesterday. I had to wake up early today and I thought I could go back to sleep after lunch but no, I should get down on my books.

Okay, like I said, this will be my last post until next Wednesday. I'll see you on the other side.

Sabah Is My Calling

When I was done with my SPM, the number one on my matriculation application was Sabah. And then when I was done with matriculation in Kedah, my number one choice to do nursing was again in Sabah. Now that I am almost done with my Bachelor of Nursing in UKM, guess where my heart's set out to go?

Sabah.

I really don't know why. I just really, really want to go there. Okay, if I was honest, there are a few reasons, I'm just afraid to say them because I just know someone somewhere is gonna pour water all over my fiery anticipation.

But it's my blog, so I'll say it anyway.

Reason number 1 is that it's a beach haven over there. Beaches near the city, near housing areas. Islands surrounding the whole place. I love it that way. It sounds so peaceful to me and even here in KL, whenever I'm stressed out, I wish so much that I can run someplace peaceful but the nearest beach is Port Dickson and that's like 80km away?

Reason number 2 is I want to enjoy the nature there. Diving, snorkeling, mountain climbing, you name it, I'm gonna try it.

Reason number 3 is I think people are friendlier over there. There's a whole new mix of ethnicity and religion, I think it's way more peaceful that people of KL, no offense. And call me crazy but I love that Sabahan accent. I want one too.

Reason number 4 is that I think it will be better if I worked someplace far from my family. It's not that I don't love them but let's just say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. No worries, I'll be sure to bank in some cash each month and call Mama every week.

Reason number 5 is aaahhh... CASH. As a Malaysian from the peninsular, I'm entitled to extra allowance. Can anyone hear *KACHING*

Reason number 6 is I want a different nursing experience. Yes, Sabah might be under-equipped and old-fashioned but think of this : there might be opportunities to be a flying nurse (that's where you get to send patients by helicopter to the peninsular), rural nursing (visits to the really rural parts, taking boats and visiting longhouses). Really, when you think of all that's to be gained from a nursing experience in Sabah, the cons to working someplace far and undeveloped seems nothing. And the best nurse Malaysia has ever known, Bibi Florina? Where is she from again? Sabah.

Reason number 7 is the biggest. I'm 22 this year, or will be. I plan to be married by 27. That's 5 years of freedom left. I don't see marriage as a ball and chain but yes, my freedom will be limited after I marry. When you're married, you can't just take off on a whim without putting a whole lot of thought on how your actions will impact others (the husband, the kids, my parents, the in-laws, and not necessarily in that order). So I want to live my life to the fullest before I get married and commit my whole life to others. That's a whole lot of responsibility and I don't want any regrets. I don't want to be 50 and looking back at the time when I was in my 20s and thinking "Oh what if...?" I don't want to be that old lady. I want to be looking back and saying "Wow, that was awesome".

The question that has been plaguing me lately is the same question my dad asked me once he met my boyfriend and listened to me going on and on about working in Sabah. His question was, "What about Asrul?". You see, just because I am pursuing my dream doesn't mean that I don't love him. It simply means that I know we are separate individuals and we have lives of our own outside of us. I will miss him and there will be times when I wish I could sprout wings and fly to him but mostly, I think I'm gonna love it there. And even if I don't, at least I'll know what it feels like to have made that decision and not bombard myself with "What if" questions when I'm older. And it's not like we're living in the 70s. There's Skype, video calling, Facebook, and probably a whole lot more technology to connect people far and near that I don't even know about.

Besides, what's the best excuse for a transfer back to the peninsular after a few years? Marriage. Sabah guys might be cute but I think I'll stick to my Asrul. I'm pretty sure he's The One.

I've just completed my SPA form and I've looked up Queen Elizabeth Hospital on Google. That is how psyched I am right now. Thesis pun belum siap lagi tapi sudah mimpi jauh kan? Hehehe.

We had a talk from a matron once and she said anyone applying to nurse in Sabah is guaranteed to get it. I really hope so. Oh and when the interview comes and I'm asked the inevitable question of why do I want to work in Sabah? My answer will be "I want to help the needy". Oh wait, that's Reason no 8.

Wake Up, Nurses

Praise be to Allah (God), the Teacher, the Unique, Majesty of the heavens, the Exalted, the Glorious, Glory be to Him, the Eternal Being Who created the Universe and all the creatures within, and the only Being Who contained the infinity and the eternity. We serve no other god besides Thee and regard idolatry as an abominable injustice.

Give us the strength to be truthful, honest, modest, merciful and objective.
Give us the fortitude to admit our mistakes, to amend our ways and to forgive the wrongs of others.
Give us the wisdom to comfort and counsel all towards peace and harmony.
Give us the understanding that ours is a profession sacred that deals with your most precious gifts of life and intellect.
Therefore, make us worthy of this favoured station with honor, dignity and piety so that we may devote our lives in serving mankind, poor or rich, literate or illiterate, Muslim or non-Muslim, black or white with patience and tolerance with virtue and reverence, with knowledge and vigilance, with Thy love in our hearts and compassion for Thy servants, Thy most precious creation.
Hereby we take this oath in Thy name, the Creator of all the Heavens and the earth and follow Thy counsel as Thou has revealed to Prophet Mohammad (pbuh).

"Whoever killeth a human being, not in liew of another human being nor because of mischief on earth, it is as if he hath killed all mankind. And if he saveth a human life, he hath saved the life of all mankind." (Qur'an V/35)

Lately, I've been feeling really frustrated and disappointed at seeing the very worst of my own profession with my own eyes. Frustrated because I can do nothing about it and disappointed because it is my own profession, the profession I have defended and talked so proudly of and here it is, the very proof that what everyone's been saying is true.

I will not bad mouth people here on my blog and I know it will do me no good, so I will say here, the things that I will and will not do as a nurse. I feel very strongly for this and I hope that, when I qualify and practice as a nurse for years to come, I will still be aspired to be the best and not lack little by little as time passes by.

I will not

Depend on others to do my duties. I will ask for help if needed but I will make sure the job is done and done right.

Be responsible for bed sores on my patients. I will do my best to prevent them from arising on bedridden patients or those with limited mobility and for patients who already have bed sores, I will do my best to heal them and prevent further infections.

Gossip or talk ill of my patients or their relatives. Everyone has a good and bad side and we can't really say, can we, that we won't act the very same if we were in their shoes?

Meet my needs first before my patients. This includes hanging around talking and eating and just plain lepaking while my patients have so many needs to be attended to.

Raise my voice or threaten my patients or their relatives. Seriously lah, tak malu ke? If the situation is really that bad, what's keeping you from just walking away and coming back after everything's cooled down?

Call out to a colleague by screaming and shouting for him/her unless it's in an emergency situation. Yes, I do believe in Nightingale's theory about the environment. Besides, I myself can't stand all that noise so why should the patient?

Be fussy over small things like documentations and stupid ward curtains or call bells. Yes, the organization and tidiness of a ward is important. But only after all the patients' matters are settled and they are comfortable. Please don't bother me about petty things like these when I have other important things to do. Prioritize, people.

Take the sterility of a procedure for granted. Take all the shortcuts you want. I understand now, the pressure of time and a heavy workload that falls on a nurse. But that is no excuse to put innocent people at risk. Remember the first rule : Do no harm.

I will strive to

Keep a professional manner. Always say please and thank you. Be there when the doctors make their rounds and don't be afraid to say anything about the patient that they don't already know. If you know the patient has a complaint but is not confident to say so, voice it out for the patient. Be the patient's advocate.

Collaborate with my colleagues and other members of the healthcare team. That is the best way to earn respect. Show your interest and people will show interest in you.

Share my knowledge and correct any misconceptions I have. It is through our own ego that we do not update ourselves on the latest practice and by turning a blind eye, we are really abetting to a malpractice.

Keep my patience. Nursing is most challenging for me because I am such an impatient person. The people who know me best know how temperamental I can be. But I have to remember that I can't and I won't lose my temper on the job. Do it when you get home. Scream in a pillow, rant at your boyfriend. But in the ward, take a deep breath, pull a straight face and do what you have to.

Not be influenced by others who hate being being a nurse. I chose this profession and I love being a nurse so you can do what you want and I can do what I want. They may not be the same things but do I look like I care?

Have a reason and rationale for everything that I do and not just being a hand-maiden who carries out orders blindly. If you're not sure, ask. Real fools are afraid of looking like one. If it really is a stupid question, then we'll all have a good laugh, won't we?

Read up on my patient's disease and treatments so that I'll actually know what the doctors, physiotherapists, pharmacists, and dietitians are talking about.

Keep my spirits up. Really, what I'm dreading the most right now is that when I am in the real working world, I will turn into the kind of nurse I hate right now. I really really really don't want that to happen. I've heard the saying that if your intentions are pure, insyaallah, your heart will stay pure. I believe in this but yet, this fear is still in me. On the bright side, at least this fear will keep me on my toes and keep me from slacking. But I really hope the working world will not be too harsh on me.

I will have my good days and bad, as will everybody, but I hope I can still practice all this that I have written and not just forget about it when my first pay rolls in and I realize that a nurse's pay is peanuts compared to the amount of work we do.

I also believe that if a person stays in a position for too long, he/she is bound to slack off. And that is why I intend to stay as a staff nurse for a maximum of 4 years, and I will not get married and have children while working as a staff nurse. I know I will just crack under all that pressure. No, I will move on to my masters as soon as possible, be an academician who also collaborates with the service side or vice versa. I really want to be a top matron who does ward rounds and overlooks nursing care while going in to teach nursing students 2 or 3 times a week.

I will be different and I will exert change. Please God, grant me this wish and give me the strength to reach the top. Amin.

I can't stand evil people!!

Ask a kid what he wants to be when he grows up. Most will probably answer you, "doctor!" without a moment's hesitation. But what does a kid know about being a doctor? Probably that he's the rich guy who cures people and everyone looks up to him. Someone to be respected. Someone who his parents told him they want him to be when he grows up. Why? They probably want to be proud of their child and be able to tell their friends, siblings, and practically anyone who will listen, "My son is a doctor" (shoulders straight, grim face, a my-son-will-teach-you-a-lesson-if-u-mess-with-me smile pasted on their face).

Don't get me wrong.

A doctor is a noble profession. One that nurses can't do without. But PLEASE. PLEASE dream of being a doctor for the right reasons. Not for money. Not for status. And definitely not for bragging rights. It's just freakin annoying and you won't be doing your job well. And it's stressful for other medical staff who has to work with you!
If you want to be a doctor, do it because you want to cure people. You want to help others. You want to lessen the pain in this world. You want to go to war-torn countries and be a hero.

Whatever it is, don't let it be because of status.
Why am I so bothered by this?

Case No 1:
In the radiology department, me and two of my friends were waiting in the observation room for a patient doing a CT scan. The patient is unconscious so the 3 of us, a doctor, a health attendant, and a few other people had to lift the patient and stuff. It was sort of tiring but I didn't mind at all. So we were waiting in the observation room and then we saw on one of the computers, a woman (the radiologist, a doctor?) typing the report for our patient's CT brain. So of course la me and my frens leaned in a bit to get a closer look and kalo bley, nk gak tnye what was the result? But as soon as we got a bit closer, the evil woman turned around and said, "Ni buat ape ramai2 kat sini? Ish, pegi tempat lain la, takde oksigen!!".
Okay.
Serious kalo takde oksigen, u brain infarct pon I buat x nampak. Haish, sakit ati nye!

Case No 2 :
At the emergency department, a patient in a cubicle was screaming in pain and begging me to do something to help her. She was in an accident. So I rushed to the doctor in charge and asked her, "doctor, boleh tak buat ape2 utk patient ER1? She's in terrible pain". And this doctor proceeded to look at my matric card, staring at it, and turned to the doctor next to her, saying "doctor F, adik ni tanye awk x nak buat apa2 ke patient awk tu sakit sangat2?" Her tone was really sarcastic and she just implied that I said the doctor "x nak buat apa2 for the patient"! The other doctor pandang I semacam and said, "saya tahu la ape nak buat!"
Eeeee...serious macam nk nangis dh pastu. I was only trying to help the patient. Jahat la doctor tu! EVIL!!!!

I have lots of exemplary cases. How some doctors treat us student nurses like we're lower than dirt and then expect us to run around grabbing stuff for them coz they're too lazy to move their own two feet. I don't mind helping you. But would it KILL you to be nice?! A friend of mine even got scolded by a doctor once when she mistakenly called her "Puan" because she didn't know she was a doctor. And the doctor's reply? "awk panggil sy ape? Penat sy belajar 6 thn, awk panggil sy puan?!"

Thankfully, I do know some really nice doctors. Those who treat us as equals and don't mind us asking silly questions. Some even teach you things while treating the patient and then says thank you for asking. Today I met a doctor at the A&E who was just so nice. He seemed to genuinely care about the patient, including little things like keeping the patient warm, something even the staff nurses sometimes overlook.

This is the type of doctor I like.
Genuine and down to earth.

But not only doctors are like this. Other medical staff can be pretty evil too. But let's face it, most of them are docs. Not only does it hurt to be insulted like that, it's positively stressful to work with someone like that. Luckily I'm a student. If I was a staff nurse and a doctor was EVER rude to me unnecessarily, that doctor would be invisible to me from that day on. One cold stare and that's it. Silent treatment and I don't even see you anymore, much less help you with ANY effing thing!

No need to shout insults and bring yourself to their level.

What I'm trying to say is, jangan lupa diri. Just because you're in a higher position now, never forget that it is not you who are curing people. It is God. We are merely doing His will as He has not created a disease without creating a cure. We are simply mediators for that cure.

So don't think you are God.

For once, don't treat anyone lesser than you would like to be treated yourself and for goodness sake, the patient is not an object! Look at him, talk to him, and comfort him. After all, who are we without our patients? We'd be unemployed, that's what.

Tolong la jangan riak ok!

And if I have kids and when he starts talking and people start to ask the inevitable question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?", I'd let him say whatever he wants. Let it be an ice-cream man, a space cowboy, a pink ballerina, even a spy. As long as he's doing what he wants and as long as it's a noble thing to do.