Friday, November 11, 2011

I Let It Fall, My Heart

How to trust again.

I've Googled that too many times than I can count. That, along with "relationship conflicts" and "how to forgive".

I came across a multitude of articles, most of which did not help as most said that "it will heal in time" and that I simply have to "forgive and let go". Easier said than done. And yet, there are days when we laugh and everything seems to be so much better than before and then there are days (like today) where I can't stop thinking about what he did and start to question him endlessly. At some point, he loses his patience and I lose mine and we end up having a 2 hour battle that ends with both parties crying and saying sorry and at that moment, all the things he says seems so hopeful, so believable, that I start to get better. And then give me 3 to 4 days and I'm back at square one, all torn up and distrustful.

So what did he do that was so bad? It was hard enough for me to tell my own best friend of 15 years, let alone gush it all out in my blog. It isn't so much the pain of the betrayal (though that hurts like hell) but it's more the shame that comes with it.

The shame that I believed the best in him, that I tried to convince anyone who would listen that he was a great guy that I love him so much, that we're happy and then he goes and do this. And the fact that I still can't walk away is the worst. I feel stupid and weak - and that's an understatement.

Sure, he's trying his very best to win me over again. He never says no, holds me when I'm mad and is patient when I sulk. But it doesn't feel the same anymore. The fact that he's sweet because he's trying to fix what he messed up isn't the same as him being sweet just because he loves me. And I just can't and I mean can't wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't know why he did what he did and despite what he did, he claims to love me with all his heart. It's crazy!

I tried to fathom why would he stay in this relationship after all we've been through, all the heartache and growing up we had to do together, why would he stay if not for matters of the heart. I can't find any other reason why he would stay if he wasn't telling the truth and its driving me crazy because you don't do what you did to the person you love, you just don't! Sigh. He is a complicated person. Why I still love him is beyond my understanding.

But one phrase in all the zillion articles I read stuck in my mind. That when you lose trust and have to learn to trust again, you never really see the person in the same light. Those rose-colored lenses are gone and it's more of a wide-eyed kinda trust that you give. And that's supposed to be better because you see the person as who he truly is and that's all that men want. For the girl he loves to really see him and accept him for who he is. I'm not saying I accept him even after what he did, but perhaps there's a reason why my feet feel stuck to the ground every time I try to walk away.

Maybe there is something I need to learn from this. Maybe there is a reason why I stayed despite you not keeping all your promises.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Even If It Leads Nowhere

I've made up my mind
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further
This ain't lust
I know this is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up?
Or should I keep on chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?
Or should I keep on chasing pavements

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Entah Mengapa Engkau Yang Aku Cinta

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja
Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagikuIni tidak adil
Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga
Tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan
Kau bukan milikku
Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Kau bukan milikku
Dan engkau pun tahu
Kau bukan milikku

Friday, July 22, 2011

Happier Times

Girl : Will you miss me if I'm gone one day?

Boy : (Pause). Sure.

Girl : And what will you miss most about me?

Boy : Your negativity, your temper. Even though I hate it, I'll miss that the most.

Girl : (Smiles speechlessly).

Memories like these always come back to me when we're in a rut and it just breaks my heart.

Monday, July 11, 2011

He's My Favorite Martian

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray.

Okay, so I felt really pathetic and desperate, being the sad heartbroken girl, sitting on the floor in the self-help relationship section of MPH, reading this book. But I've got to say, this book saved my life.

It taught me what 10 years of dating and countless heartbreaks didn't teach me - the meaning of trust. Sure, I know I've always had trust issues ever since I could remember but to be honest, I can't really explain what trust is. For me, it was to believe my man didn't go out grabbing every girl he can but that's about all the definition of trust that I've got.

But John Gray (God bless him) here taught me that trust really meant believing the best in your partner. To believe that he can take care of himself, that he won't screw up a relationship he loves and to believe that he will come back when he leaves.

Which brings me to the rubber band theory of why men pull away, sometimes for no apparent reason. Seriously, it is now so much easier for me to let him go when I know he will be back with more love. And it doesn't bother me so much anymore when he's playing games on his phone all the time, even ignoring me when I talk. I know he's just in his "cave" and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or is just trying to be rude. It's just how men are. It is because they are different that they complement women perfectly.

And even though I might not be able to remember everything I've learnt from this book (especially when my patience is tested), all I have to remember is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Remembering our differences helps to put things into perspective and remind us that our loved one isn't deliberately trying to hurt us. It is just that Martians and Venusians think and communicate differently. It does not mean that he/she doesn't love you. In fact, now that I've read this book and reflected on our relationship, I now understand that all those annoying things he used to do were in fact his way of expressing his love (the Martian way) but I, a Venusian, didn't understand his Martian talk.

And then there was that chapter on how your past may affect you. It hit the spot for me, so much so that I actually wanted to cry and I have never cried while reading a book.

You might have noticed that I didn't spill the beans on what exactly did this book say about men and women and how to relate to each other. That's because I want you to go to your nearest bookstore and buy a copy. If you've been in so many relationships your whole life but end up disappointed or heart broken every time, then this book is for you. If you and your partner have been together a really long time but aren't really happy, then this book is for you. Don't be shy about buying a relationship help book. These books are written by relationship experts, wouldn't you want to know the secret to lasting relationships?

But of course, to read this book, you've got to find that special someone who you love enough to want to change yourself for the better. I'm glad I've found mine.