He's My Favorite Martian

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray.

Okay, so I felt really pathetic and desperate, being the sad heartbroken girl, sitting on the floor in the self-help relationship section of MPH, reading this book. But I've got to say, this book saved my life.

It taught me what 10 years of dating and countless heartbreaks didn't teach me - the meaning of trust. Sure, I know I've always had trust issues ever since I could remember but to be honest, I can't really explain what trust is. For me, it was to believe my man didn't go out grabbing every girl he can but that's about all the definition of trust that I've got.

But John Gray (God bless him) here taught me that trust really meant believing the best in your partner. To believe that he can take care of himself, that he won't screw up a relationship he loves and to believe that he will come back when he leaves.

Which brings me to the rubber band theory of why men pull away, sometimes for no apparent reason. Seriously, it is now so much easier for me to let him go when I know he will be back with more love. And it doesn't bother me so much anymore when he's playing games on his phone all the time, even ignoring me when I talk. I know he's just in his "cave" and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or is just trying to be rude. It's just how men are. It is because they are different that they complement women perfectly.

And even though I might not be able to remember everything I've learnt from this book (especially when my patience is tested), all I have to remember is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Remembering our differences helps to put things into perspective and remind us that our loved one isn't deliberately trying to hurt us. It is just that Martians and Venusians think and communicate differently. It does not mean that he/she doesn't love you. In fact, now that I've read this book and reflected on our relationship, I now understand that all those annoying things he used to do were in fact his way of expressing his love (the Martian way) but I, a Venusian, didn't understand his Martian talk.

And then there was that chapter on how your past may affect you. It hit the spot for me, so much so that I actually wanted to cry and I have never cried while reading a book.

You might have noticed that I didn't spill the beans on what exactly did this book say about men and women and how to relate to each other. That's because I want you to go to your nearest bookstore and buy a copy. If you've been in so many relationships your whole life but end up disappointed or heart broken every time, then this book is for you. If you and your partner have been together a really long time but aren't really happy, then this book is for you. Don't be shy about buying a relationship help book. These books are written by relationship experts, wouldn't you want to know the secret to lasting relationships?

But of course, to read this book, you've got to find that special someone who you love enough to want to change yourself for the better. I'm glad I've found mine.

Forgiveness Is Not My Specialty. But, For You, I'll Try.

And after all that, I still can't deny how much I love you.

But don't screw up again.

After The Wake

Hello, I'm back and I don't know what to write.

Yes, that is the first thing that came to my mind the moment I clicked on "new post". My absence from the blogging world has been obviously stark for some people, to whom I would like to thank for the support. I truly appreciate my readers and it's for you people that I have gotten off my ass and put my fingers back to its out-of-practice typing mode.

Like all parts of the human body, writing skills waste away if you haven't used them in a while. I hope you will bear with me as I try to get back on my horse and back into creative writing.

The truth is, when you're this happy, you have no idea what to write. Yes, I have someone new and yes, some of you might think it's too soon and yes, a 3 year relationship was really hard to get away from but no, I have no regrets. No matter how happy I was back then, no matter how great making up after a big fight was, a part of me always knew it couldn't last forever and I held it heavy in my heart, like a lump of lead. As terrible as this sounds, I have to admit, the day we broke up, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders and I felt that I could finally breathe again. As much as I wanted to make him happy, I had to make myself happy first and that unfortunately left him out of the equation. I know it sounds terrible but its true. And I know he'll be much happier without me, eventually.

And the honest truth of why I took such a long break from writing is... well, I couldn't bear to read about all our history in this blog. He's practically my main character, the plot to the whole blog, the beginning and the end. I even thought about starting a new blog, burying this one deep deep in cyberspace but then I thought, I like my blog. I actually developed my writing skills a lot in this blog and I love the background, the comments from my readers, the collection of lyrics I've put up. Why should I give all that up and start from scratch just because I gave him up?

So I waited until I could read all my previous posts without that twisted feeling in my gut, that sting somewhere in me that I couldn't quite point out. Don't get me wrong (and yes, I am talking to you, new boyfriend), I am happy now and I have no regrets about breaking up but like it or not, when you've been with someone 3 years, even after you realize both of you were not meant to be, it still messes you up. Maybe not quite the same if you were dumped by someone you love and thought the whole world of, but it was a whole mix of emotions that I can't even begin to describe.

I love my new boyfriend a lot. Like, a lot a lot. He's funny and kind and most importantly, he's patient and gentle. He might not think much of himself but I think he's just about the best guy I've ever known and I have known quite a number of guys. And he tops them all in almost every way. But you have to admit, it's just been 4 months into the relationship (coming into 5 months in May) and I had just 4 months ago broken up a 3 year relationship. I know you expect me to recover almost as fast as I fell in love with you but I'm sorry I didn't go with the pace.

But I am all done now. You squeezed yourself into my heart and it's completely filled with you, I promise.

You make time speed up and slow down at the same time. It speeds up because I feel like I've known you for the longest time but then time slows down when I realize it's only been 4 months and I'm left blinking in surprise.

I Finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece

Tomorrow, 15 November, is our 3 year anniversary but we decided to celebrate today since I'm working tomorrow. I thought I'd make it a really cheap but fun date, so I borrowed my dad's DSLR and we went camwhoring in Putrajaya.

Weeks ago, when I first planned this date, I imagined we'd be going all over Putrajaya, taking pictures all the way. But the truth is, photo shooting is exhausting! And the sun sure made it fun. Our first spot took more than 2 hours already and we were both famished so we decided to go for lunch and a movie instead.

The photo shoot was really fun, especially since (straight) guys don't really like being the subject of camera attention and so, I got to be the model most of the time. I loved it but I would have loved it more if I wasn't so damn fat. Oh well, at least, if I got really sick, my body would have "extra baggage" to burn.

Later on, we had lunch at Johnny's Steamboat which was really really good! I can't imagine he's lived all these years and never had steamboat! At least his first steamboat experience was great, unlike his first time with pasta and sushi.

We decided that this year, we'd make our presents. I started out weeks ago but finished his present just last night, due to my being a professional procrastinator. I made him a huge valentine with cut out words and lots of our photos.

His present to me took me completely off guard. He had made me a movie and burned it on a CD. He stayed up late to do it, and I appreciate that so much, what with him being so busy with his studies and social life. The CD also came with my favorite bar of chocolate, a white Toblerone. Anniversary or not, you can never go wrong with this chocolate!

When I reflect on the past 3 years I've been with him, I feel so much love for him, I don't even know where to begin to express myself. I don't think I can ever show him how much I love him and so, he will never truly know. I can be a real pain in the ass, and while he can be too, I've got to say that I pick fights way more than him. Not only does he stick around, he loves me all the same.

All I've wanted ever since I was a teenager, was to find someone who would love me and make me feel special. I've found him now and if I had known it would be this awesome, I would never had let myself fall for anyone in my past, not ever.

The Brain And The Heart

Me : nanti I first gaji, jom pergi Sunway Lagoon! Or nak pergi Melaka? U cakap je nak g mana, jom kita pergi!

Him : no la u, first gaji u simpan dulu k, next gaji baru belanja..bagi u financially stable dulu, okay?

I told you he's so very reasonable. When I reflect on the things he says, I wonder why do I have my head in the clouds so much?

He's the brains of the relationship, while I am the heart. Well, unless you're talking about career and studies, whereas I am the brain and he's the heart.

And like those two vital organs, one can't be without the other. Well, the heart can live without the brain but the brain can't live without the heart. So I would very much prefer to be the heart.

Heart or brains, if I ever catch you lying again, I'll rip both of yours out.

There Will Never Be A Day When I Don't Miss You

We just had lunch together today. We also spent the whole of yesterday together. But I still miss you.

Cute But Psycho. You've Been Warned.

Kadang-kadang saya sengaja marah awak. Sebab saya suka awak pujuk saya. Hehehe.

And I'm In Love

You, by the light

Is the greatest find

In a world full of wrong

You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely

To the other side

And this could be good

It's already better than that

And nothing's worse

Than knowing you're holding back

I only said it 'cause I mean it

I only mean 'cause it's true

So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming

'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you

You set it again, my heart's in motion

Every word feels like a shooting star

I'm at the edge of my emotions

Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I'm in love

And I'm terrified

For the first time and the last time

In my only life

Prayer For The Best I've Ever Had

Ya Allah, jadikanlah dia, Mohamad Asrul, dikasihi pada hati-hati mereka yang beriman dan gembirakanlah dia, Mohamad Asrul, dengan kekayaan sehingga seratus dua puluh kebaikan. Allah adalah sebaik-baik pemelihara dan Dia amat mengasihi daripada segala-galanya.

Aminn.

You Took Me By Surprise

Today me and Asrul got into a really heated fight in public. We went at it at the stairwell and I was ready to walk away for good when he grabbed my head and pulled me to his chest. I tried to break his grip and told him to let go but he was too strong for me. His tears fell into my hair and I could feel his heart beating against my cheek.

Just like that, my anger dissipated. I could actually feel the fire in me sizzling against cold air, leaving only traces of smoke and glowing embers threatening to disappear.

Thank you for never giving up on me, never leaving. Thank you for being the best when I am at my worst.

Nothing Can Take Me Away From My Guy

Nothing you can say can take me away from my guy
Nothing you could do cause I'm stuck like glue to my guy
I'm sticking to my guy like a stamp to a letter
Like birds of a feather we stick together
I'm telling you from the start
I can't be torn apart from my guy

No muscle bound man could take my hand from my guy
No handsome face could ever take the place of my guy
He may not be a movie star but when it comes to being happy, we are
There's not a man today who can take me away from my guy

Happy birthday, daling.

You Had A Hold On Me Right From The Start

I'm currently listening to this song, a remake version from Glee. Really, if you're not into watching Glee, you don't know what you're missing.

Today, 15th May 2010, is our 2 years and 6 months anniversary. But Asrul is really unwell. He's got a high fever, it's been 3 days now. He went to the clinic yesterday and the doctor took some blood samples. If I have my car now, I'd drive over to his place and spoon feed him some McDonald's chicken porridge and Oreo McFlurry. But as it is, I'm stuck here in college, sleeping and studying. He only texted me twice today and I called him 3 times. He's been sleeping the rest of the day.

We were never big on anniversaries. I remember our first year anniversary at KLCC, we fought and I think it was the first time he gave in to me. Our first year was a mess, mostly because he was such a jerk. But, given time, he opened himself up to me and he's not the same person I knew him to be. Now it's my turn to make a 360 change.

We both can't remember what we did for our 2nd year anniversary. I don't think we celebrated at all. Like I said, it's not a big deal for us, just so long as we remember and give each other anniversary wishes.

This year, however, we decided that we will celebrate our 3rd year together, with gifts and a special dinner and all that romance. Probably because it has been difficult this year and I want us to celebrate our efforts in staying strong for each other.

I already have so many things planned out in my head for his birthday and our anniversary.

To my favorite girlfriends: Please give him some advice on gifts. I think it is so easy to shop for a girl as compared to shopping gifts for men but somehow, men have no idea what to buy for girls. So I'm hoping you girls can give him some insight as to what I like, accompany him shopping if you have to. I fully give my permission to date my boyfriend.

Though Love Sometimes Hurts, I Still Put You First

This ain't the honeymoon

Past the infatuation phase

Right in the thick of love

At times we get sick of love

It seems like we argue everyday

I know I misbehaved

And you made your mistakes

And we both still got room left to grow

And though love sometimes hurts

I still put you first

And we'll make this thing work

But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people

We don't know which way to go

Cause we're ordinary people

Maybe we should take it slow

This ain't a movie no

No fairy tale conclusion ya'll

It gets more confusing everyday

Sometimes it's heaven sent

Then we head back to hell again

We kiss then we make up on the way

I hang up, you call

We rise and we fall

And we feel like just walking away

As our love advances

We take second chances

Though it's not a fantasy

I still want you to stay

Take it slow

Maybe we'll live and learn

Maybe we'll crash and burn

Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave

maybe you'll return

Maybe another fight

Maybe we won't survive

But maybe we'll grow

Ku Terlupa Kau Terluka

Aku memang bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Dan tapi dah ku sedari
Segala perit kau lalui
Ku terlupa kau terluka

Dan memang selalu
Aku bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Meninggalkan mu
Dan tetapi itulah aku sedari
Segala perit yang kau lalui
Kerna diriku yang terus hanyut

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

You Found Me

So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe

And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me

Lighting Up The Sky

It has been a tough road for us but then again, nothing good comes easy. All that doubt and fear I had when we broke up, I decided to take a chance and make that leap. I don't care if people think it's a mistake, us getting back together. I love him, he makes me happy and I want to know that, whatever happens, we have both tried our very best.

It doesn't matter what the future holds. Right here and right now, he is my favorite person and my everyday companion. He makes me feel better about everything I hate about myself and all the little bits I love, it's just magnified in the reflection of his eyes to mean a whole lot more.

I heard from somewhere that a relationship is like a bridge. You've got to build from both sides and meet at the center for perfect balance. I realized then, that I haven't been doing my part. He was so tolerant of me, of my tantrums and mood swings, while I was demanding him to be perfect. It's time I built my end of the bridge and start reaching out to him if I want that balance. I am trying so hard my dear, I only ask you to give me time to suppress my ego.

I realized, how much he meant to me, while he was gone. Out there in that forest of a single world, it all felt too different without him. Everywhere I went, I wished he was with me. Every meal I ate, I wished I could share it with him. Sure, it can be argued that feelings change with time but what if I'm letting love just slip out of my hands for no reason at all other than the fact that I was too afraid to commit?

The day he said goodbye, I realized what a fool I've been. How blind I was that I couldn't tell diamond from glass. So I asked him for one more chance and was surprised at how fast he said yes. How easy it was for him to forgive me. It all made me want to cry at how stupid I've been.

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me' "

I owe him so much. Love, forgiveness, honesty. And he's never even asked me for any of that, never brought up my mistakes to make himself look good. What more can I ask for?

I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will start building my end of the bridge.

Thank you for teaching me that while sparks don't last, love and trust does.

Learning How To Love

I’m saying sorry in advance
Cause this won’t always go to plan
Though we don’t mean to take our love for granted
It's in our nature to forget what matters

How when the going is getting tough
And we’re all about giving up
Things that we never thought we’d gonna say, gonna say them
Things that we never thought we’d play, gonna play them
It ain’t perfect, but it’s worth it
And it’s always getting better
It’s gonna take some time to get it right

Cause I’m still learning the art of love
I’m still trying to not mess up
So whenever I stumble let me know
You need to spell it out
You need to spell it out for me
Cause I’m still trying to learn the art of love

If I forget to get the door
Remind you that you’re beautiful
I know my detail requires more attention
If I ever hurt you it’s not my intention

Cause we’re gonna make our mistakes
Find out how much your heart can take
But I know that you got my back
And baby I got yours

Sometimes I’m gonna miss
I’m still learning how to give
I’m not giving up
I’m still learning how to love
Learning how to love

Goodbye, Love

I know you need to get over me. I can't stand seeing you so sad. The only reason I thought we could be friends was because I wanted to help you through your grief. But I was wrong, I only made things worse.

So goodbye, to late nights on the phone. Goodbye to movies every weekend. Goodbye to bringing you to restaurants I loved but you hated but pretended to like anyway. Goodbye to public displays of affection you were cautious of at first but then couldn't get enough of. Goodbye to mapping out our future together. Goodbye to going to pet stores and picking out cats together. Goodbye to planning road trips together, goodbye to Roti Bom evenings.

Goodbye, love.

"There is no use crying over someone who isn't mine. I need to make my decision and never look back".

So I kept my mouth shut, I want to make it easier for him to move on. He doesn't need to know how I feel, what I've been thinking. All he needs to know is that he has to be happy.

I want him to be happy, so much.

I cried all the way home, it was amazing how I could drive through those tears. When I reached college, I leaned round the backseat to get my bag and saw a folded piece of paper on the seat.

It was a letter from him. Saying goodbye. He couldn't give it to me in person, it was too painful.

I've never cried the way I did in the car tonight.

It feels like I've just died.

After All, You Are My Love

It isn't easy, to find someone who would stick by you, through the good and the bad. And I am so lucky to have him. He, who still loves me at times when I don't even like myself. Who can take a deep breath, close his eyes, and lay his hand upon mine when I am throwing a tantrum. Who then makes this fire in me turn ice blue and then put out cold.

2 years, 3 months, and 1 week, it's been since we first got together. 3 years and 5 months since I knew him. He has seen me at my very worst, when I am ashamed at being in my own skin, and also at my very best, when my parents hold me up like a shining star; and he has kept me strong and smiling through all of those times.

He has had some tough times too, and even though I may seem like a pain in the ass at those times, have no doubt my dear, that my heart is no where as harsh as my words and you know, don't you, that no matter what, I always come right back at you because I am a part of you indefinitely.

We have had so much (too much) hardship but also an equal amount of laughter. More recently, we've had to work that much harder in our relationship, to keep the glue holding us together tight and strong. And honestly, I've been a horror in the past month or so. I've been feeling extremely unstable and stressed out, for many different reasons (both unintentional and self-induced). But I believe there is a reason for everything and yes, I do see him in a different light now. He is so patient sometimes, I am amazed.

What I'm trying to say is, we've been through so much, the ups and downs, the bitter and sweet, and the phase where everything seems bland and numbing, but in the end, after all that, you are my love. The love who accepts me like no one else can, the one who I must try to be a better person for.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

He's Worth Having

Okay, so we have broken up and gotten back together. Yet again. We thought we were doing the mature thing but then I guess we couldn't stand even a day apart, what with being used to seeing each other everyday.

But there were many things I learnt during just that one day apart. How much I love him and how his absence can make daydreams about anyone else just erased with a snap. And so I realized I don't ever want anyone else but him.

Again we had that "mature discussion", just like when we decided to break up, and we came up with ways on how we're gonna make this happen and what we've learnt from all of this. No kidding, this really is the most mature and meaningful relationship I've ever had, I can actually see us both growing mentally and emotionally as compared to when we first met 3 years ago.

No matter what happens, whether we're meant to be or not, I want to know that I've done all I can to save us from separation. Because he has come to mean everything to me.

Okay, let's pause in the romance department. What about everything else in my life? Class is going well, I only have one more week of classes to go next week and then it's clinical posting all the way. 2 weeks will be spent at some gerontology (elderly patients) hospital in Shah Alam. At first I was thrilled at being posted at Shah Alam cause that's where he is but then again I don't think I'll have the time and I'm going there by bus anyway; I am not going to waste my petrol on a daily commute all the way to Shah effing Alam. I felt let down a little bit when I realized I wouldn't be seeing him as often when clinical starts, but then I think it's a blessing in disguise. I do not want him seeing me in my nurse uniform. Some people may think it's cute, but I think it's just plain dorky and the compulsory up-do ruins my straight hair.

God, if I ever get to be some top dog, the first thing I'm getting rid of are the nurses' uniforms. Who likes ironing everyday anyway?

Anyway, I just paid all the university's fees today, and I mean all, including graduation dinner costs and all. And then I had to trouble my dear to take me to Lowyat so I could get a new laptop charger which blew last night cause it was too hot or got struck by lightning or something.

All in all, I spent a good Rm1000 today. And that is the very last of my study loan. To top it all off, when I visited my favorite fashion blog last night, I saw this dress that is just to die for.



It costs only Rm49 and I can't even afford that. Pathetic kan? Plus, I have a pink peacock hairband and a bangle that would go perfectly with this dress.

Tolonglah belikan baju ini untuk saya. Anggaplah early birthday present untuk saya. Atau pun sedekah buat orang miskin. Tolonglah. Saya doakan Tuhan merahmati awak!

Sob sob.

I have tonnes of work to do but I am so addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not a new game, but I've just discovered it so it's new to me. Might as well play now before my research gets approval and I'll have to start working my ass off.

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more