Thursday, December 16, 2010

Flicker Of Truth

Surprisingly, falling in love and falling out of love isn't very different. Because, when it happens, you just know. And you also know that there's nothing much you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I wanted that break up and I still do. Don't ask me why, it's a long story. Whether I wanted it or not, I guess the grieving process is just the same. But I feel weird because I can't cry. I don't know why but I can't. I feel numb from head to toe and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I haven't been truly single since I was 16. It's not something I'm proud of, being the serial monogamist. Now that I'm alone... I guess I'm just at a loss at what to do. I don't know what is it I feel, when I'm alone.

God, I hate being emo.

Are you really here? Or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Don't Have The Strength To Stay Away

You make it hard to breathe
With every step you take closer to me
I am cold with every touch
And I can't fall asleep

I can't stand to be without you
Now that you've figured out who I am
I can't stand to look into your eyes
Now that I realize

You make me weak
You make me love
You make me want to scream your name at the top of my lungs
You make me shake
You rescue me
But most of all you make me

I am drawing pictures in your hand
And being away from you is something I can't stand
I feel your breath upon my cheek
You're my everything and my heart is yours to keep

I don't have the strength to stay away
Because I am falling more in love with you
Each and everyday
I can't stand to not be by your side
Now that I realize

You make me weak
You make me love
You know I'll stay with you forever
But that's not enough

Friday, December 3, 2010

Why I Love Being A Nurse

Ever since I was 7 and teachers asked that inevitable question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I always knew I wanted to be a veterinarian. One of my earliest memories is of me at about 3 or 4, where I wandered around the back alley of my old house in Kajang and heard kittens crying. I looked everywhere in that back alley for the source of that crying and found 2 kittens in the drain, still with its' placentas attached. They were wet, cold, and mewing those high pitched cries that still, to this day, make me wander off to look for distressed kittens.

I remember getting into that drain and it was quite deep too, it must've reached up to my neck, at least. But I've always been a tomboyish girl, so I scooped the kittens into the palms of my hands, placed them outside the drain and hoisted myself out of there. I took them home and asked my very disgusted mother if I could keep them. Suffice to say I did not get to keep those kittens and, after a while, my parents got so sick of me bringing home stray cats that they got me a cat of my own.

My childhood dream was to open up an animal hospital. Most kids abandon silly little ambitions like that when they hit puberty but by the time I reached matriculation at the age of 17, I still wanted to be a vet. There was only that short period of time when I was 16 and me and Ezzura wanted to be lawyers, simply because we thought it was hot to be wearing sexy, stylish, office clothes.

When I was done with my SPM, I got an offer from UPM for a diploma course in animal health and I was ecstatic. It was my dream come true but then, my mom persuaded me against it, saying that vets don't make it very well in Malaysia, especially in the government sector and I believed her because I've been to government animal clinics and it was no more than a shack by the roadside. It never hit me, then, that if I became a vet, I would be a government animal doctor. I was thinking more like Steve Irwin or all those other people who travel and document wild animals and treat them or rehabilitate them and stuff.

Since I wasn't sure what course I had to take to be the next Steve Irwin, I decided to go to matriculation while I thought things through. If I really wanted to be a vet, I could go on and do a degree in animal health, couldn't I?

It was when I was in matriculation that my dad introduced me to nursing. He showed me an article on the front page of the New Straits Times and, at the time, I had never even thought of nursing as a career choice. It wasn't that I hated nursing, it's that I've never even seen a nurse my whole life, except for the ones who came by in primary school and taught us how to brush our teeth right. Even then, it didn't register to me that they were nurses, qualified health professionals, I simply thought they were adults teaching us how to brush right.

So I did my research in nursing and was intrigued by midwifery. I was impressed that nurses could branch into so many specialties and so, I settled my heart there and then to venture into nursing and have never looked back since.

Sure, I still wander into every pet shop I can find, whenever I can. I can never ever resist pet shows and I intend to volunteer at the SPCA in the near future (I actually volunteered there once when I was 10). I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I see roadkill and I drive extra slow and carefully around my neighborhood, not for fear of hitting children, but for fear of hitting kitties.

As I grew up, I became more and more conscious of openly showing my affection for animals. I'd shy away from a cat I was about to approach whenever I see someone coming. I'd only talk to cats when no one's there. Yes, I do sound crazy and I'm aware of how it makes me look and that is why I stopped doing it in public.

And yet, nursing is the best career for me. Not only do I get to venture into the medical field, making a difference in someone's life everyday, but I also get to show affection. It may surprise some people to know how soft and gooey I am inside. Sometimes, when I read a sad piece of news in the papers, I'd have to stop and take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. It sounds stupid and I know how it looks like and again, I don't like showing this part of me.

Being a nurse, I like standing at the bedside of a patient, trying to comfort her not just through words, but through facts that I've learnt during my 4 years of training. When a patient is unconscious and the family is looking anxious outside, I am the first to ask the doctor if he's informed the family of the patient's condition and would he like to do it or should I? And while everyone is in the middle of chaos, rummaging drawers for syringes and medications, going through observation charts and past history, I'd be the one person standing next to the patient's bed, holding her hand and telling her it's going to be okay. That her vitals are slightly above average but we're doing everything we can, you're in safe hands.

I love nursing because it allows me to be kind without being judged. I can be a really shy and sensitive person but life has taught me to be firm and strong. That if you didn't have your feet planted firmly on the ground, people could just blow you away. Being a nurse lets me be that kind, patient person you can depend on, so different from my bad tempered, egoistic alter ego. It lets me be the person I want to be, versus the person that I have to be.

It's true what they say, you know. That if your heart's in the right place, you can never lose by doing what you love to do.

Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down - Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult.