Friday, November 11, 2011

I Let It Fall, My Heart

How to trust again.

I've Googled that too many times than I can count. That, along with "relationship conflicts" and "how to forgive".

I came across a multitude of articles, most of which did not help as most said that "it will heal in time" and that I simply have to "forgive and let go". Easier said than done. And yet, there are days when we laugh and everything seems to be so much better than before and then there are days (like today) where I can't stop thinking about what he did and start to question him endlessly. At some point, he loses his patience and I lose mine and we end up having a 2 hour battle that ends with both parties crying and saying sorry and at that moment, all the things he says seems so hopeful, so believable, that I start to get better. And then give me 3 to 4 days and I'm back at square one, all torn up and distrustful.

So what did he do that was so bad? It was hard enough for me to tell my own best friend of 15 years, let alone gush it all out in my blog. It isn't so much the pain of the betrayal (though that hurts like hell) but it's more the shame that comes with it.

The shame that I believed the best in him, that I tried to convince anyone who would listen that he was a great guy that I love him so much, that we're happy and then he goes and do this. And the fact that I still can't walk away is the worst. I feel stupid and weak - and that's an understatement.

Sure, he's trying his very best to win me over again. He never says no, holds me when I'm mad and is patient when I sulk. But it doesn't feel the same anymore. The fact that he's sweet because he's trying to fix what he messed up isn't the same as him being sweet just because he loves me. And I just can't and I mean can't wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't know why he did what he did and despite what he did, he claims to love me with all his heart. It's crazy!

I tried to fathom why would he stay in this relationship after all we've been through, all the heartache and growing up we had to do together, why would he stay if not for matters of the heart. I can't find any other reason why he would stay if he wasn't telling the truth and its driving me crazy because you don't do what you did to the person you love, you just don't! Sigh. He is a complicated person. Why I still love him is beyond my understanding.

But one phrase in all the zillion articles I read stuck in my mind. That when you lose trust and have to learn to trust again, you never really see the person in the same light. Those rose-colored lenses are gone and it's more of a wide-eyed kinda trust that you give. And that's supposed to be better because you see the person as who he truly is and that's all that men want. For the girl he loves to really see him and accept him for who he is. I'm not saying I accept him even after what he did, but perhaps there's a reason why my feet feel stuck to the ground every time I try to walk away.

Maybe there is something I need to learn from this. Maybe there is a reason why I stayed despite you not keeping all your promises.