Friday, April 30, 2010

Time To Hit The Books

I am finally done with Chapter 4 of my thesis. Chapter 5 will approximately be 8 pages long, I think, and I'm going home tomorrow to write it because I need my dad to walk me through it. Soleha will be doing Chapter 6 and then we'll meet up on Monday to put it all together, edit the few bits here and there, add a little more literature review and.... we're done!!

Yesterday me and Ika went to Times Square around 9 p.m. to shop for a new floral dress, the one I said I've been dying to wear. I decided against a dress because it was kinda revealing, considering it's for a hi-tea function this Sunday where all my lecturers will be so I opted for a floral skirt.

The good news? I found the exact same shop I loved in Sunway, here in Times Square! It had all these adorable floral skirts and dresses, you know those cute ones with gold zippers? The bad news? It didn't fit me. God, I hate all this weight I've put on since London!! I'm so fat, I could hardly fit into my old jeans!

I was depressed and frustrated that I couldn't fit into the damn skirt. So what did I do? I ate.

Hahaha. We drove over to Murni in SS2 PJ, where I had this really huge plate of Nasi Goreng Maryland! I finished every bit because I hate wasting food (which is probably why I put on all that weight in the first place).

Okay. That will be my last binge for the year. I think. But Sunday won't count because it's a university function and it's a buffet, you lose if you snooze. My sister's wedding is in a little over a month from now and I'd hate it if I got too big to fit into my bridesmaid dress.

*Deep breath* Get a grip, Azwa. No eating unnecessarily. I should really get more exercise.But with all my thesis work and studying for exams, all I'm ever doing is sitting on my ass.

That's it, I'm going home tomorrow and when I get back here Saturday, I'm bringing my running shoes and have no doubt that I will go jogging everyday! (I hope)

Speaking of exams, Facebook and my friends blogs have all been flooded with exam schedules and good luck wishes. As usual, everyone's sitting for their exams earlier than me and that means, they'll have longer holidays too. But no worries, this will be my last exam ever until I get bored and decide to pursue a Masters. So anyway, here's a few of my friends' well thought out and creatively designed schedules:

This one is my bestie's

And this one is my classmate's (I stole it from her blog) so it's the same as mine.

After viewing everyone's schedule, and hanging out in my house mate's room and noticing her own exam schedule, I decided that I should really write down all my exam dates. After all, I've got it all saved on my cellphone calendar but really, I have no idea when my exams are. So after searching for some paper and a dependable pen, here's my exam schedule

I'm such a creative girl, aren't I? I had no idea where to put it up because my soft board was all filled up with cards and pictures of my loved ones so I did all that I could do and here it is :

As you can all probably guess, I'm not that big on exams. I hardly ever study, but I do cram up on the final week before exam starts. I still find it hard to believe that the lecturers are actually marking my paper and giving me a 3.5 average each semester. I think somehow, my papers must have been switched with someone who actually knows what they're writing about.

BUT. I will try to study very, very hard this one last time. Why? Because I really don't have any idea what I've learnt this semester. All I seem to be doing is my thesis and doing my clinicals in the ward, which is hands-on work so I really don't know what I've theoretically learnt this semester. And it's gonna be our last exam, so it's gonna be a killer one.

What I really need now isn't a prayer that my exams will run smoothly. I need a prayer for me to get off my ass and actually do some studying because really, I know I can deal with the exams if I actually study like I'm supposed to. I've become so lazy lately.

Okay, a quick note to my favorite people. Thanks Milla, for that advice yesterday. I really needed that and I think it woke me up To my dear Sai, be strong okay! Poor you, so sweet yet so plagued with demonic people, you should really sue them. But it's okay, when we're done with this hellhole place, let's party at Sunshine!And Ezzura, I know you're really working hard at scoring for your exams, so I hope your results really kick ass this time! You're hardly ever online now and I miss you!

And my dear Asrul, you've been such an angel lately, I really don't know what to say to show how much I appreciate you. Don't worry, love. We're getting better everyday.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Am Sad Today

Because :

1. I wanted to buy a floral dress, or at least a floral skirt, but I couldn't because I'm out of time and money (okay, I'm out of money), and it's not just that I want to wear a floral dress to the hi-tea function this Sunday, but it's because I've been dying to wear one for quite some time now.

2. I almost hit this pakcik's car while reversing out of Asrul's rented house, but I didn't hit his car, I repeat didn't, but when Asrul got down to see if everything was alright, the old fart was so rude, it ruined our whole night just as it was starting.

3. He lost his futsal match today, even though he scored one goal but didn't take pride in it because he claimed it was "too easy".

4. After the match, he didn't want to go for drinks with his friends like he always does. I could see he wasn't okay the whole night long (he played like a zombie) but every time I asked if he was alright, he replied he was fine. I hate being lied to.

5. I hate people sitting in the passenger seat and commenting on my every driving technique. It's as annoying as scraping fingernails on a blackboard. Enough said.

6. At the end of the night, he got out of the car mad, and I left feeling both sad and angry. When I parked at a roadside and called him, it only made things 10 times worse.

7. When I got back and read his really long text, I couldn't process a single word of it but then again, I really don't care. I just want all these feelings to go away.

8. He did not reply my last text. I think he fell asleep.

9. I have to be up at 8 a.m. tomorrow, and I haven't read a thing for "cross-taking". It's almost 3 a.m. now.

PS/ When I said you've never made me happy, I don't really mean never. But I'm a girl, it's practically in my genes to exaggerate. What I really meant was, all we ever do lately is fight. Even if we don't spend the whole day fighting, it will always begin or end with an argument. I'm tired of all this. I just want to be happy.

Tension tahu tak?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

If I Ask Nice, Can I Take You Home With Me?

I am totally loving this song! Yes, he did say Kuala Lumpur. And she's Malaysian, by the way.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

There's No Real Love In You

You're automatic
And your heart's like an engine
I die with every beat
You're automatic
And your voice is electric
Why do I still believe?

It's automatic
Everywhere in your letter
A lie that makes me bleed
It's automatic
When you say things get better
But they never

There's no real love in you
Why do I keep loving you

It's automatic
Counting cars on a crossroads
They come and go like you
It's automatic
Watching faces I don't know
Erase the face of you

It's automatic, systematic
So traumatic, you're automatic

Each step you make
Each breath you take
Your heart, your soul
This life is so sick
You're automatic to me

There's no real love in you.

We're All Screwed Up In Our Own Special Way

Today I went home for dinner because my mum called up and said she's cooking Western tonight (i.e., chicken chop). There was no special occasion so I pretty much figured out she needed my help at home. And she did.

We packed sweets in little packets for my sister's wedding in June, folded the invitation cards, then I made mash potato and steak sauce.

Now I'm back in college, feeling so down in the dumps that I can't do much to feel better. I'm not expecting a huge thanks from my mum for helping out. But I do not like being shouted at and my questions ignored. I feel so unappreciated right now, I want to cry.

When someone screams at me, my reflex is to either scream back or cry. I'm not going to tell you which one I did cause actually, I'm not really sure which reaction I chose. Sure, my mum was all fine when I left home but while I was driving, all I was thinking about was somewhere where I could just park, blast the radio out loud and stare into space.

I feel bad cause I'm not letting Asrul comfort me and I know it's killing him. But I just can't pretend to feel better when he texts me comforting words. I appreciate the effort, I really do, but I can't just smile and pretend everything's okay with me when inside, I just want to be alone right now.

I find it hard to talk about my family. Because I know I will cry and I hate crying. I don't think crying is weak, it's just ugly on me. So I keep it all in, listen to loud, fast and angry music that doesn't make sense because that is how I feel right now. I don't want a hug, I don't want to talk about it. Because I know I will cry.

No questions as to why I want to work far, far away.

I know I'm lucky. My parents can afford me things most people can't. And I know life can't be perfect. You gain some, you lose some. But sometimes I just wish they would show they care, and not just by providing the material things in life, though I know that's how they show it.

I can't say all that I want to say here without sounding like an ungrateful daughter. I am thankful for all they've done for me. If only they knew of an essay I wrote in my 2nd year for Nursing Theories. We were to write about how we came into nursing, and I wrote about my parents.

I got an A for that paper.

In truth, I don't mind crying so much, as long as there's no audience. But crying over family matters? It tears me up. Because it makes me think of my childhood and my teenage years, and boy was that screwed up.

I heard from somewhere that when we are young, we blame our parents for all our flaws. Then, as we grow older and have kids of our own, we blame our children for not being right. It's a vicious cycle humans tend to make.

So I will not blame my parents. I know they are trying to be good parents, in the best way they know how, with all the resources they have.

But I know there's a reason for all my insecurities and why I am such an emotional wreck.

Sumpah sakit hati malam ni.

Because A Woman's Hair Is Like Her Crown

I forgot to mention, I had my fringe snipped! It might look kinda weird at first but I've been getting bored with my hair and hey, now I have so much more hairstyles available to me! biggrin

Plus, my hair's been growing really fast and it's reached chest-length now (I don't know if that's the right word for it?) and I've been seeing all these pictures of models with really straight long hair with short bangs, and I thought "what the heck?". I'm always game for experimentation wink

Well anyway, here's a picture
And even though yesterday, one of Asrul's friends, Apoon(dek) said I looked like V for Vendetta, Asrul's look on his face when he first saw me with my new bangs was precious. It was one of those few times when he'd smile at me as I walked up to meet him on one of our dates. I don't know why it's so hard for him to smile at the beginning of the date. Fine, I know he's hot and tired and everything, but it really kills my mood to dress up and make sure I look good for him only to see him frowning at me.

But it's okay, he always makes me laugh in the end biggrin

Gosh, I'm hungry. I ate some biscuits with Milo at 11 a.m. and then some rice with fried chicken at 4 p.m. Now it's almost 1 a.m. Lapar lah!

Okay, back to Plants vs. Zombies! twisted

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Blog Education

Phew..! Today has been a productive day biggrin As you can see, I have learnt how to install smileys on Blogger mrgreen Hehehehe! Serious lah, post ini akan penuh dengan smiley sebab saya jakun! It was a bit tough cause now I have to go back to Firefox but I don't really mind, Google Chrome has been crashing a lot lately. Besides, I get bored real fast so this is a refreshing change. razz

To find out how to put smileys in your blogger posts, click here. Credits to this person, though I don't know your name cause I just googled and you popped up. wink

Okay, so today me and my research partner, Soleha Adnan, finished analyzing our research data. Now, we only have to describe our findings, discuss them, give recommendations, update our literature, and our thesis will be done! mrgreen

Maybe I shouldn't use the word only. That's an understatement as it will take us at the very least 2 weeks to finish everything, and that is if we work super fast. Tomorrow we'll be seeing our supervisor and hopefully we can finish describing our data tomorrow and move on to the discussion. Here's what we did today :
This is our correlation table. Some sort of calculation to see the relationship between two situations. And if you're thinking I did any of the calculations, then you don't know me at all. My maths suck so much, I fear for patients under my care. Since doing all this research crap, I am just sooooooo in love with SPSS. Thank you creator of SPSS, whoever that may be.

Can I just take a moment here to say that I feel so grown up now that I see all these words and numbers and actually know what they mean? Teeehee wink

As you have probably noticed, I now also know how to print screen shots and link people. Yes, I'm slow but at least I got there. smile

I was texting Asrul earlier tonight and told him I was going to blog about what I'm going to do after graduation, but after all this blogging education, I think I'm too tired to think. Plus, he wants me to go through my plans with him first before I post them because he doesn't want to be the last to know.

Let's pause the happy tone for a moment. Sometimes, when I'm tired and cranky but still have to go through my "girlfriend duties" (which includes texting my every single move, going over to see his parents once in a while, socializing with his cousins, trying hard to care about everything he cares about, being present at all his futsal games, bringing over my cooking to him whenever I can, and well, so so much more), I grumble and a small part of me feels suffocated and wishes I could just have some time to myself.

But lately I realized something. He wants to text me all the time. He wants me to get to know his family. He wants to eat my cooking. He wants to be able to smile at me when he's on the futsal court. He wants to talk to me about the things he care about. In short, he loves me.

And here I am, grumbling because I'm hot, thirsty, tired, sleepy, bored, hungry, or just plain craving for all the things I can't have. So self-involved I was that I forgot he wants to do all that couple stuff because he loves me. And it's not just that. I want to do all that stuff for him too. It's just that, sometimes, I get stupid and grumpy and just want some time to myself. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. It means that sometimes, I want to love myself too.

But that's no excuse to tell him off when he calls to wake me up cause I've overslept. Yes, I think I've done that twice now. Ignored his texts and calls or I pick up just to say, "I want to SLEEP!!" and then hang up and then have no memory of doing all that when I've woken up.

Well you see, I think the devil sleeps with me. When I'm in that phase between sleep and consciousness but I'm not quite ready to wake yet, I get so mad if anything wakes me up (e.g., a grass cutter right outside my window, a loud car alarm going off, my actual alarm clock going off) and I'm sorry, when I'm in that phase I really just want to scream at anything that bothers me and I don't have a remember-that-I-love-you button.

I'm sorry for always breaking your heart with my evil twin's attitude sad

When I read my good friend Sai's blog post on lust vs. love, it got me appreciating my boyfriend so much because it made me realize that he really really loves me and there are men out there who are such scum, they treat women like sex objects and really, it's not very often that a girl comes across a man who really loves her, truly and sincerely.

I'm one of those lucky girls razz

Okay, this post is turning out to be twice the length I thought it would be. I'll post about my graduation plans some other time, okay? In the meantime, here's a video of the video game I'm about to play just as soon as I click on the publish post button mrgreen

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Because That's What Celebrities Are For

I have a new obsession

Today, at long last, my internet connection allowed me to watch the new episode 14 of Glee. And I was handsomely rewarded.


When Rachel pulled down her copy of Lionel Richie in that music store and saw Jesse for the first time, I instantly melted. And the fact that she just broke up with Finn at the time made it even better. I've never particularly liked Finn cause I think he's inhumanly huge and unbelievably dumb (no offense to Finn Hudson fans) but yeah, he can be kinda cute at times but he just doesn't appeal to me.

Jesse might be one of the bad boys of Glee but I dunno, I have a feeling he might just cross over to the good side (please do!).

Here's Jesse and Rachel singing when they first met. Romantic sangat!

Okay, it's 5 p.m., I have to go cook now. Tonight I'll be cooking ayam goreng rempah, kentang sambal, daging masak kicap, and wanton soup. I've never done ayam goreng rempah before but there's a first time for everything right? Besides, I'm sick of ayam masak merah all the time.

PS/ For the record, I don't normally drool over celebrities. Just the really hot ones that are worthy of my attention.

Ku Terlupa Kau Terluka

Aku memang bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Dan tapi dah ku sedari
Segala perit kau lalui
Ku terlupa kau terluka

Dan memang selalu
Aku bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Meninggalkan mu
Dan tetapi itulah aku sedari
Segala perit yang kau lalui
Kerna diriku yang terus hanyut

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Angel Heaven Let Me Think Was You

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait
Tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance
Take a fall, take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat
It's nothing new

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize

He didn't even say he's sorry, but then again, I didn't give him the chance to. Because I know there is no way I could ever forgive him. I've never felt so betrayed in my life.

Don't get me wrong. The only feelings I have left for him is hate.

I asked God for strength
He gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked God for wisdom
He gave me problems to solve.

He was my problem, he gave me difficulties, and I think now I have gained strength and wisdom. But no, I'm not gonna thank him. (Ish, every time I even think of him, so many curse words go through my head, I think I must be maturing now that I am able to stop myself from screaming them out at him).

I thank God for waking me up. For letting me see things the way they actually are, and not the way I wanted things to be. It's true, you know, that people see what they want to see. If you find a reason to hate someone, you're likely to find it. The same way that I looked for reasons to like him, and I found them.

Let this end here. I don't ever want to go back there again. Never ever ever.

What goes around, comes around, but I hope it hits you harder.

Asking God

I asked God for strength
He gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked God for wisdom
He gave me problems to solve.

I asked God for prosperity
He gave me brawn and brains to work.

I asked God for courage
He gave dangers to overcome.

I asked God for love
He gave me troubled people to help.

I asked God for favors
He gave me opportunities.

In truth, I received nothing I wanted but got everything I needed.

This was a poem I saw on the back of a MAKNA volunteer t-shirt, tacked on the bulletin board right outside the cancer ward here in UKMMC.

It immediately touched me, just thought I'd share it with you all.

Friday, April 16, 2010

You Gave My Life Direction, I Gave Your Love Connection

If there was any song that would instantly remind me of Asrul, it would be this one by Train. He bluetoothed it to my phone one day and started singing it to me and said the part "watching you is the only drug I need" reminds him of me. And ever since then, if this song comes up on the radio, we would turn it up and sing our lungs out together.


Heck, if he's not in the car and this song comes up, I would still turn it up and sing at the top of my voice like he's there with me.

I am so bored. My thesis isn't done yet and I'm waiting till Sunday to go home to my dad so I can ask him some questions on analyzing data and only then can me and my research partner get down to writing up Chapter 4 and 5. We're all done on Chapter 1 and 3, Chapter 2 Literature Review needs some updating but it needs to correspond to the research findings and that's where data analyses comes in. I really don't want to feel like a bum wasting time but the more I think of it, the less I think I can do. Plus, my laptop doesn't have SPSS and I really can't be bothered to install it cause this dumb thing keeps crashing all the time. I'm gonna see if my dad will lend me his laptop for a few days next week, I don't think he's using it currently.

Me and Asrul got into a heated argument yesterday that ended with me showing up at Shah Alam at 2 a.m. with a bar of chocolates for him. We talked things through and it ended really well and I only got back to college at 4 a.m. Did you know, that with no cars on the road and driving at 140km/h, you can get to Shah Alam from Cheras in just 15 mins?


I had little sleep last night and today we had to take this little mini-test/teaching session, I really don't know what to call it, for our nursing "crosses". I'm not gonna bore you out with all this nursing nonsense, it's enough for you to know that I'm gonna have to review a whole lot of 4 years of learning to sit for the final exam at the end of May and also for the Nursing Board exam in June. And there's another one of these sessions I have to go to tomorrow morning, 10 a.m. at the Emergency Department.

Saya serious malas nak bangun pagi.

As much as I think last night was an improvement in our relationship, (because I went over to say I'm sorry, how often does that happen?) I really wish he didn't have to bash his phone against a wall (hence, the need for me to drive all the way there to talk to him). Now I miss him like hell because we can't text or call, and the only communication I get from him is through his friends.


About 3 weeks back, I had this really bad flu that took a little over a week to heal. It was the first time I've been given antibiotics, though I was kinda skeptic because a flu is virus-related isn't it? Anyhow, I got better, but it's left me with episodes of breathing difficulties, even when I'm doing nothing but sitting in front of my laptop. It also feels like there's a lump in my throat and I feel a sort of numbness on the left side of my neck. The other day when I was in the ward, I checked my oxygen saturation level and it was just 93%, which is weird for a healthy young person like me.

My differential diagnosis? a)pneumonia, maybe? The flu was definitely the worst I've ever had. Or b)God forbid, a pharyngeal tumor?

Whatever it is, it really is getting harder to breathe. But I'd hate to go all the way to a clinic, wait in line for hours, only to have the doctor smirk at the description of my symptoms, and send me home with yet more antibiotics. You know doctors in clinics. They don't take you seriously unless you've passed out cold on the floor.

I'm currently waiting for Asrul to get back from futsal which started at midnight. I couldn't make it this time cause my car is out of petrol and I only have a pathetic RM 7 left in my wallet.

What happened to the old fashioned main bola di padang petang-petang? Why must people pay RM 100 just to play footie in the middle of the night in a tiny net-bound court?

Saya tak faham lah. Nasib baik saya sayang awak tau.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


To those of you who has read my old blog in Friendster (which is inactive, by the way), this picture may seem familiar. Yes, I know I wrote a really long post on this little boy but it's been 3 years since his death and I still really miss him a lot.

I don't want to talk about how he died and and what I felt and the last time I saw him. That's just gonna bum me out. It's just that I miss him so much. I think of him every time I cuddle any cat. He's my what.. fourth cat since I was 3 years old?

The first cat I had was a Persian mix called Cindy. She gave birth twice and I kept one of her sons, Tom, because he had sky blue eyes and was grey in color. He later became the oldest cat I ever had when he died 13 years later, I was 16. How did he die? No, it wasn't of natural causes and I really don't want to talk about it because it'll just make me feel like a murderer. Cindy got lost during one of those 13 years I had Tom and during that time, my dad also bought me another Persian mix who was all black in color, a really hyperactive cat I called Cinder. He later got lost too. I made up the theory that they were stolen which was pretty likely and that was why, when I got Teddy on my 16th birthday, I resolved to keep him indoors only.

His full name is Theodore Tom Ocyrus II. Silly name for a cat, eh? Hehehe. I actually couldn't make up my mind on what to call him when I first bought him from a pet shop in USJ. At first I called him Sunny cause he's so orange but then it just didn't fit and my sister later suggested to name him Tom II, in honor of the late Tom. She later came up with Ocyrus, which is a Greek name for the sun or something. But something in me just nagged that his name was Teddy. He was so shy at first. Every time I came home from school, I would see him at the top of the stairs and, upon seeing me, he would run into my room and hide under my bed. But after a while, when he got used to having humans around, he became this really cuddly, needy, playful little thing. I would always call him my Teddy Bear.

He really had a personality about him, sometimes it felt like he was almost human. I've never, and I don't think I ever will, meet another cat like him. He would sit by me while I studied and when I didn't pay attention to his meows, he would jump onto my notes and roll around, asking me to scratch him. So I'd scratch his chin, let him play with my ruler, hold him tight till he can't breathe, let him knead on my pajamas and drool all over my leg, and he has this habit of sitting with his legs wide open and I'd tickle his belly. About 30 mins of that and he'd fall asleep.

When he died in 2007, it was the first time I've ever seen my mum cry over a cat. She was always shooing him away and yelling at him for scratching the furniture and getting fur all over the house and even bringing a bird in once, but I guess we all really loved him. He was part of the family.

And that, my dear friends, is the last pet I've ever had. I think things have never really been the same because I've never not had a pet kitty since I was 3 years old. I've always had a cat. But my mum is adamant not to replace my baby teddy and I think I am craving for some kitty love.

I can't wait to graduate and get myself a cat once again. And I'm not just gonna pick any cat, I know none of them can be exactly like Teddy, but I'll try to find one with just as much personality.

Poor kitty. You've got big shoes to fill.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Like A Volcano Waiting To Erupt

I am so out of it today. Sangat amat bad mood. I went to sleep angry and only woke up to be angrier. Spent the whole day on my bum in front of my lappy and then went to Kajang to sort out my pissy handphone and I only got more bad news to share.

I woke up at 2 p.m., which I think is early, considering I fell asleep close to 6 a.m. I've been having trouble sleeping lately and when a certain bastard dared to buzz me on YM last night, it only made me so mad, it was harder than usual to sleep. I almost texted him all sorts of profanities going through my head but managed to stop myself. What use would it be anyway? I don't want an explanation (as if there's anything that could make me not want to kill him) and if he ignored me, it would only make me feel stupid. Besides, I really am sick and tired of him. Let this end here and now, I don't want you in my future so just buzz off.

And then Asrul managed to piss me off so much today, I can't remember when's the last time I've left my phone off for one whole day. I don't appreciate guys ogling, especially not when that guy is my boyfriend and the girl he's ogling seems to be just about EVERYONE. I've seen it with my own eyes and then to see it again, here in cyberland, it just makes me want to kill him. As if I don't have enough self-esteem issues already. What makes it worse is that this whole time, he's been crooning at how pretty I am, how I'm everything to him, that I'm the only one in his heart. Seeing him stare at another girl and then practically drooling over someone else just erases all he's said before and makes me doubt everything he's ever said to me.

I know boys will be boys. He can't help it that he has eyes. But do you really have to make it so obvious in front of my very nose that other girls are much more desirable? Fine, I notice hot guys too, but do I ever tell that to your face? I do it discreetly and I only ever mention them to my close girlfriends and they know that it's nothing, just girl talk and nothing else. You may think your ogling means nothing but when it comes to my knowledge, it's far from nothing for me.

Maybe this is all just my hormones acting up, I am 4 days late. Yeah, yeah, blame it on the hormones. We were supposed to meet up today to use up my Domino's pizza voucher which expires tomorrow but he cancelled saying he didn't have the cash but then contradicted himself when he went to watch a movie with his friends.

Thank you lah, you're such a great boyfriend.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Since You've Been Gone

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

What I have learnt from all this :

a)If a guy doesn't want you to stay for good but doesn't want you to leave either, run and run fast. Don't look back and don't even think of making up excuses for him. Don't believe his sob stories about broken love and never being able to trust again and all that BULLSHIT. Just run, shut the door, lock it tight and throw away the key.

b) Don't get lost in the moment. Don't let him dazzle you with the material world and candles and romantic songs. Any guy can do that but it takes a real man to stay with you through thick and thin. After all, romancing doesn't last forever but a relationship based on friendship and compatibility goes a long way.

c) I know some people might say that having a boyfriend doesn't make you off limits to other guys since you really are still single until you're married. But really, girls and boys, if you are even thinking about going out with someone else, I think it's time to sit down and have The Talk with your significant other. Either break up and make your move on that other person or decide to go on together and ignore that other person entirely. Believe me, all that lying and cheating isn't worth it. Someone is bound to get hurt and more likely than not, it's gonna be everyone in that little triangle.

d) Perhaps this is the most important lesson of all. After all that crap I pulled, he's still willing to be with me. How much I appreciate that, he will never know. Please know this Asrul, that I love you so much and I promise, anything that happens in the future, it will never ever be anything like this. Just you and me. No one else.

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

Shopping With A Budget

I have always loved skirts and dresses, but with the current trend of socks and leggings, I'm really burning a hole in my pocket. But have no doubt, what Azwa wants, Azwa will get!


I have rm100 this week, and it's already Wednesday and I haven't spent a thing because I only got back to college yesterday. I think my dad's been feeling guilty about crashing my car so he gave me extra pocket money. Overall, he's given me rm150 this week but I already blew rm50 on the weekend.


Okay, so back to business. Tonight I'm planning to go over to the night market at Connaught to buy a pair of colored contact lenses (I'm going for blue), it's really cheap there because it's one of those Korean brands that can last up to a year. Only rm39.

So I'll have 60 bucks left. And then, because apparently in this country, I can't wear whatever I want without being talked about like I was walking around naked, I'm looking for a pair of full length leggings. That will cost what, 10 bucks? I'm thinking 15 at the most because hey, it's a night market. If they're charging me 20, I might as well get a pair at MNG for 30 bucks and a quality brand to spare.

So I'll be left with like, 50 bucks? But then, I went over to my favorite blogshop and found this :

Isn't it adorable?! I simply must have it. I know I must have something when I've looked at it once and then tried to ignore it for a good half hour but can't. I might have sleepless nights if I don't have something I really want.

So that's another 20 bucks.

I have 30 bucks to last me till Sunday. That's 4 days from today and Friday I'm going to the college dinner so that'll take care of my stomach. And if I'm really starving, I can always run home to my mama.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Just An Empty Shell

Lost in this world
Though the light shines so bright
Life has become such a blur
I wish I could vanish from sight.

Love was a game
I did not play well
Appalled by the scars I gave
Dig me a grave somewhere.

Hold me close
I'm about to fall apart
Arms around me are just ghosts
Of someone who touched my heart.