I Let It Fall, My Heart

How to trust again.

I've Googled that too many times than I can count. That, along with "relationship conflicts" and "how to forgive".

I came across a multitude of articles, most of which did not help as most said that "it will heal in time" and that I simply have to "forgive and let go". Easier said than done. And yet, there are days when we laugh and everything seems to be so much better than before and then there are days (like today) where I can't stop thinking about what he did and start to question him endlessly. At some point, he loses his patience and I lose mine and we end up having a 2 hour battle that ends with both parties crying and saying sorry and at that moment, all the things he says seems so hopeful, so believable, that I start to get better. And then give me 3 to 4 days and I'm back at square one, all torn up and distrustful.

So what did he do that was so bad? It was hard enough for me to tell my own best friend of 15 years, let alone gush it all out in my blog. It isn't so much the pain of the betrayal (though that hurts like hell) but it's more the shame that comes with it.

The shame that I believed the best in him, that I tried to convince anyone who would listen that he was a great guy that I love him so much, that we're happy and then he goes and do this. And the fact that I still can't walk away is the worst. I feel stupid and weak - and that's an understatement.

Sure, he's trying his very best to win me over again. He never says no, holds me when I'm mad and is patient when I sulk. But it doesn't feel the same anymore. The fact that he's sweet because he's trying to fix what he messed up isn't the same as him being sweet just because he loves me. And I just can't and I mean can't wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't know why he did what he did and despite what he did, he claims to love me with all his heart. It's crazy!

I tried to fathom why would he stay in this relationship after all we've been through, all the heartache and growing up we had to do together, why would he stay if not for matters of the heart. I can't find any other reason why he would stay if he wasn't telling the truth and its driving me crazy because you don't do what you did to the person you love, you just don't! Sigh. He is a complicated person. Why I still love him is beyond my understanding.

But one phrase in all the zillion articles I read stuck in my mind. That when you lose trust and have to learn to trust again, you never really see the person in the same light. Those rose-colored lenses are gone and it's more of a wide-eyed kinda trust that you give. And that's supposed to be better because you see the person as who he truly is and that's all that men want. For the girl he loves to really see him and accept him for who he is. I'm not saying I accept him even after what he did, but perhaps there's a reason why my feet feel stuck to the ground every time I try to walk away.

Maybe there is something I need to learn from this. Maybe there is a reason why I stayed despite you not keeping all your promises.

Forgiveness Is Not My Specialty. But, For You, I'll Try.

And after all that, I still can't deny how much I love you.

But don't screw up again.

Decisions, Decisions.

Text to mom : Morning, Ma. R u having dinner at Midvalley tonight?

Mom's text : U have to ask Papa. I'll go with whatever he says.

*sigh* (I already know where this is going)

Text to dad : Morning, Pa. R u having dinner at Midvalley tonight? If u r, I'll meet u there after work.

Dad's text : Ask Mama.(I told you)

*slaps palm to forehead*

Text to both mom and dad : See u at Midvalley for dinner after work.

If they can't decide, I'll decide for them. Done and dusted.

After The Wake

Hello, I'm back and I don't know what to write.

Yes, that is the first thing that came to my mind the moment I clicked on "new post". My absence from the blogging world has been obviously stark for some people, to whom I would like to thank for the support. I truly appreciate my readers and it's for you people that I have gotten off my ass and put my fingers back to its out-of-practice typing mode.

Like all parts of the human body, writing skills waste away if you haven't used them in a while. I hope you will bear with me as I try to get back on my horse and back into creative writing.

The truth is, when you're this happy, you have no idea what to write. Yes, I have someone new and yes, some of you might think it's too soon and yes, a 3 year relationship was really hard to get away from but no, I have no regrets. No matter how happy I was back then, no matter how great making up after a big fight was, a part of me always knew it couldn't last forever and I held it heavy in my heart, like a lump of lead. As terrible as this sounds, I have to admit, the day we broke up, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders and I felt that I could finally breathe again. As much as I wanted to make him happy, I had to make myself happy first and that unfortunately left him out of the equation. I know it sounds terrible but its true. And I know he'll be much happier without me, eventually.

And the honest truth of why I took such a long break from writing is... well, I couldn't bear to read about all our history in this blog. He's practically my main character, the plot to the whole blog, the beginning and the end. I even thought about starting a new blog, burying this one deep deep in cyberspace but then I thought, I like my blog. I actually developed my writing skills a lot in this blog and I love the background, the comments from my readers, the collection of lyrics I've put up. Why should I give all that up and start from scratch just because I gave him up?

So I waited until I could read all my previous posts without that twisted feeling in my gut, that sting somewhere in me that I couldn't quite point out. Don't get me wrong (and yes, I am talking to you, new boyfriend), I am happy now and I have no regrets about breaking up but like it or not, when you've been with someone 3 years, even after you realize both of you were not meant to be, it still messes you up. Maybe not quite the same if you were dumped by someone you love and thought the whole world of, but it was a whole mix of emotions that I can't even begin to describe.

I love my new boyfriend a lot. Like, a lot a lot. He's funny and kind and most importantly, he's patient and gentle. He might not think much of himself but I think he's just about the best guy I've ever known and I have known quite a number of guys. And he tops them all in almost every way. But you have to admit, it's just been 4 months into the relationship (coming into 5 months in May) and I had just 4 months ago broken up a 3 year relationship. I know you expect me to recover almost as fast as I fell in love with you but I'm sorry I didn't go with the pace.

But I am all done now. You squeezed yourself into my heart and it's completely filled with you, I promise.

You make time speed up and slow down at the same time. It speeds up because I feel like I've known you for the longest time but then time slows down when I realize it's only been 4 months and I'm left blinking in surprise.

Flicker Of Truth

Surprisingly, falling in love and falling out of love isn't very different. Because, when it happens, you just know. And you also know that there's nothing much you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I wanted that break up and I still do. Don't ask me why, it's a long story. Whether I wanted it or not, I guess the grieving process is just the same. But I feel weird because I can't cry. I don't know why but I can't. I feel numb from head to toe and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I haven't been truly single since I was 16. It's not something I'm proud of, being the serial monogamist. Now that I'm alone... I guess I'm just at a loss at what to do. I don't know what is it I feel, when I'm alone.

God, I hate being emo.

Are you really here? Or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth.

Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

What do you call that feeling, an emptiness so deep, you want to bury yourself just to get away from it? When you want to sleep and never wake up until everything's different? And yet, you have to put on a strong front, not just because the person you love most depends on it, but because your job requires you to do so.

I've loved him for so long, I've got so many memories of him that I can't imagine what it'll be like if I didn't have him. No matter what I feel, I can't imagine my everyday without him. There were times when I loved him so much, I'd watch him, trying to memorize his face. The way his cheeks crinkle when he smiles, that line between his brows, that mole under his chin. There was a time when I'd know his scent anywhere. Even though time has calmed me down a bit, settled me from a fiery passion to a comfortable familiarity, I still love him with all my heart.

So tell me how do you let someone go? When they flip onto their ugly side and you don't think you can stand the sight of it and then, just as quickly, they flip back and you're left wondering if this will ever work. And if it won't work, where do I even begin to piece my heart back together?

If you're reading this, don't ask me about it. This is the last thing I want to talk about with you.

I Finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece

Tomorrow, 15 November, is our 3 year anniversary but we decided to celebrate today since I'm working tomorrow. I thought I'd make it a really cheap but fun date, so I borrowed my dad's DSLR and we went camwhoring in Putrajaya.

Weeks ago, when I first planned this date, I imagined we'd be going all over Putrajaya, taking pictures all the way. But the truth is, photo shooting is exhausting! And the sun sure made it fun. Our first spot took more than 2 hours already and we were both famished so we decided to go for lunch and a movie instead.

The photo shoot was really fun, especially since (straight) guys don't really like being the subject of camera attention and so, I got to be the model most of the time. I loved it but I would have loved it more if I wasn't so damn fat. Oh well, at least, if I got really sick, my body would have "extra baggage" to burn.

Later on, we had lunch at Johnny's Steamboat which was really really good! I can't imagine he's lived all these years and never had steamboat! At least his first steamboat experience was great, unlike his first time with pasta and sushi.

We decided that this year, we'd make our presents. I started out weeks ago but finished his present just last night, due to my being a professional procrastinator. I made him a huge valentine with cut out words and lots of our photos.

His present to me took me completely off guard. He had made me a movie and burned it on a CD. He stayed up late to do it, and I appreciate that so much, what with him being so busy with his studies and social life. The CD also came with my favorite bar of chocolate, a white Toblerone. Anniversary or not, you can never go wrong with this chocolate!

When I reflect on the past 3 years I've been with him, I feel so much love for him, I don't even know where to begin to express myself. I don't think I can ever show him how much I love him and so, he will never truly know. I can be a real pain in the ass, and while he can be too, I've got to say that I pick fights way more than him. Not only does he stick around, he loves me all the same.

All I've wanted ever since I was a teenager, was to find someone who would love me and make me feel special. I've found him now and if I had known it would be this awesome, I would never had let myself fall for anyone in my past, not ever.

My First Job

Tajuk post macam esei kanak-kanak kan? Hahaha.

Who would've thought my first job would be with a private hospital? When I was a student, I swore I wouldn't go into private healthcare, what with all the racked up charges and sometimes, unnecessary ward admissions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I will not discuss my career plans here, because I am not that stupid. I only want to discuss my first day, more for the benefit of my juniors and classmates so that they'll know what to expect. And also for my close friends, to let them know I'm doing okay.

On the first day, I had to put on this really dorky white shirt and black slacks. I was brought to the Human Resource and met the Chief Nursing Officer. While waiting in the lobby, I chatted with another new nurse, a diploma graduate who worked in a different private hospital for 3 months prior to this current hospital we were at. I thought it was real silly of her, resigning her RM 2400 post for one which barely pays you 2K. I guess she has her reasons but if it were me, I wouldn't be going anywhere.

While we were chatting, it surfaced that I was a graduate and she was a diploma holder. So she asked me,"Tak rasa rugi ke, ambil degree tapi sama je gaji dengan diploma?" and she also asked the inevitable, "degree dengan diploma apa bezanya?" My blood did boil when I heard these questions, but I kept a cool surface and instead, applauded her for her ignorance. I answered that the difference between degree and diploma holders were the entry requirements, and that the degree course had more professional development courses, we learn in English, and our classes were smaller so we are more focused and integrated. It's not much of an answer but I kept telling myself, let my actions speak louder than words. I'll prove to them what the difference is so that they can actually see it instead of just hearing but not believing. My answer to the other question was simple. "Tak rugi sebab degree lagi cepat naik and lagi senang nak sambung belajar and kalau nak kerja overseas, nursing board western countries tak recognize diploma."

So we were later brought to meet the Chief Nursing Officer (CNO). She eyed us both up and down and turned to the other girl, saying "Mana badge awak? Kenapa dia pakai badge tapi awak tak pakai?" I looked at the floor but inside, I was like "hah!!" I knew putting on that badge would bring me some good. Well, I actually put it on because I didn't want to look like a caterer in my black and white outfit. At least the badge had the words "Jururawat Berdaftar Malaysia" to prove that I am a nurse.

The girl smiled sheepishly and squeaked that she "forgot" to put it on. She was then introduced to the Head Nurse for her assigned unit and taken away. I sat there and the CNO looked at my interview sheets and asked me when was I going to complete my degree course. I said I've already completed it and graduated in August. She then raised her eyebrows and asked me from which college did I graduate from and I said "UKM". I could tell she was impressed. She asked how old I was and I said 22. I then had to explain to her that I did a 4-year course straight from matriculation and had no previous working experience apart from part time jobs.

She told me that, from the interview, it was remarked that I had a good family background and excellent command of the English language so why does someone like me want to be a nurse? I smiled and told her how my dad suggested nursing for me when I was 17 and I did my research and found it to be a very interesting field because you can branch into so many specialties and how, initially, I found midwifery to be my area of interest. But then, after 4 years of studying nursing, I find that I cannot choose which area I like the most because I love it all and have never regretted my decision to enter nursing.

We spoke in English and when the Head Nurse of my assigned unit arrived, the CNO introduced me to her and told her I'm a graduate nurse with no working experience but a very good knowledge base. She then turned to me, told me "I think you can go very far in nursing and I hope you'll like it here". She even stood up, shook my hand, and walked me to the door.

Oh, sungguh dan sangat lah puas hati dapat layanan macam ni dari CNO, especially after that demotivating conversation with the other new girl.

I will not tell you the rest of my first day in such detail, because a)it's my fourth day already and I can't remember that much and b)I think it's more important that I stress on the take home point rather than my experience in detail which will mean nothing to some people.

I was then brought to the Emergency Department, my assigned unit. It's more commonly called the A&E (Accident & Emergency) among medical staff. I was introduced to the morning staff, including the clerks at the counter and then taken into the Head Nurse's office. In the office, I was explained, at length, about the rules and regulations of the hospital (I had to fight my urge to yawn) and on how my working hours will be like.

And then the Head Nurse did something that I don't think I'll get in any government hospital. She took me for a tour of the whole hospital. And I mean the whole hospital, from the top floor where the CNO's office was, right down to the basement where they did the laundry and housekeeping. And it's not just a tour of what is where, it's also a tour of who is where.

"Hai, saya Azwa, staff nurse baru di A&E".

That was my line of the day. I had to introduce myself to everyone. The physiotherapists, the doctors, the radiographers, the lab technicians, the clerks, the nurses, the care assistants, the cleaners, the security guards. I have never been so mortified my whole life. The people were all really friendly, making nice remarks like "Welcome" and"Nice to meet you". I've noticed, in the past 4 days I've been working here, that people are really friendly. Even the doctors are nice. And it's not just with the patients (obviously, they're paying for it so they have to be nice) but its the culture between staff too. Everyone smiles at each other every morning and even greet each other. It's creepy at first but then you get used to it and you start to practice it too. So I guess that's part of fostering a healthy environment.

I was also introduced to the doctors in the A&E. One doctor started quizzing me, on why I didn't take medicine anyway, since I have a nursing degree. I could go on to take medicine overseas, but the bottom line is, I like being a nurse. I don't want to give myself a headache trying to figure out patient's diagnoses and treatment plan. I like being the caregiver, advocator, and educator. He didn't believe me so he even asked for my GPA. I told him and he nodded and mumbled "Well... that's okay... borderline". Whatever. But he turned out to be alright. Sure, he quizzes me a lot and wants to see me do procedures so that he can assess whether I'm really all that good, but you know what? I like it that he does that. Because, so far, I haven't failed myself yet. I've answered all his questions without blinking and did all the procedures right (thank God!). I think it's great that I've got the opportunity to prove to people that graduate nurses are different.

It may be daunting, people constantly watching me, scrutinizing, skeptical about my credibility, some even waiting for me to mess up. But the up side is that it keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly looking for something to do, I never forget to say please and thank you, I refrain from gossiping (but my ears are always open), I read up everyday so that I know the right things and ask the right questions.

So that's really okay. The people here are nice, especially my co-workers. Usually, in government hospitals, you have to make an effort to learn. If you don't ask and show interest, no one's going to pay attention to you (sometimes you get the same treatment even if you do) but here, I have people coming up to me everyday and offering to teach me something new.

The aforementioned doctor asked me to perform a Mantoux test on a patient and I would have peed my pants if it wasn't for the fact that I had the exact same test performed on me last year. I have never done a sub-dermal injection my whole life. The nurses usually don't let us students try it out because it's very easy to mess up and end up giving the injection too deep within the skin layer. But I've seen how it's done on me and felt pretty confident (plus, I won't let that doctor one up me). Some of my colleagues were nervous for me and even tried to give me last minute tips as I started to prepare for the injection and the doctor was slowly making his way out of his office towards the treatment area. I took in most of the advice, though my ears were quite deaf due to the sound of my thumping heart.

I did the injection with no less than 5 nurses and the doctor surrounding me. It was like a little circus. After I had given the injection, the doctor started quizzing me on how long it will take to show results and how big would the swelling have to be to show that it was positive. I answered him right, thanks to the occupational nurse in London who did the Mantoux test on me last year and told me a great deal of information about the test. God bless you, occupational nurse.

I quite like it here at the A&E. One of the bright sides is that I don't have to deal with nursing reports. We usually just treat the patient and then discharge/admit/transfer the patient. There are also plenty of opportunities to practice things you don't usually get to do in wards because it's usually done by doctors. These include blood taking, IV cannulation, and male catheterization. This morning I even did a blood culture and sensitivity (C&S), which my colleague was so kind as to offer me to do the job and supervised me and later congratulated me on a job well done. Like I said, the people are real nice here.

I love my job, but I hate the pay. But it's my first job, I can't expect too much. I'm doing it more for the experience than for the money. Tomorrow is my day off! I can't wait to see my daling.

The End Of Eternal Holidays

Today might be the last day for the next few years when I'm not busy or obsessing over work. I'm starting work tomorrow! For those of you who don't know yet, I'll be working at the Emergency Department at KPJ Kajang Specialist Centre. I've been reading up on Emergency Medicine (like, 4 pages) so I hope everything goes well tomorrow. It's going to be pretty scary, meeting new people and getting to know a new environment.

I am soooo bad at first impressions. I don't know how to make small talk, I can't remember people's names, and I hate eating with strangers. I don't expect it to be busy at a private hospital's emergency department, because they only take in people who can afford to pay. So I expect there'll be a lot of lounging around tomorrow, where there will be plenty of opportunities for people to bombard me with personal questions.

"Where do you live?" "Oh, you're a nursing graduate? What's the difference between that and a diploma?" "You have a degree and your pay is the same as us diplomas?" "Are you planning to stay on?" "Why did you choose the emergency department?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "What does he do?"

I remember my first days at matriculation and UKM. Most of the time, I'd be alone, dodging glances, smiling politely, and not really knowing how to respond to people. I'm not stuck up or hard to be friends with. It's just that I'm socially awkward with people I don't know. I think the part about making friends and meeting co-workers is the part I'm most anxious about. I'll be working under a mentor for 6 months, so I won't be expected to know everything about emergency medicine during my first month or so. But I'm nervous about the people. I think I'll be under a lot of scrutiny during my first few weeks, especially since I'm probably the only one with a nursing degree, they're gonna want to see if I'm really all that good.

On the up side, I've always had good friends wherever I went in the past. I know I'll probably find a good friend or two at my new workplace but I expect at least a week of isolation and eating alone. I'm also pretty excited to start work, I can't wait to get myself super busy, I think I'll pick up a lot of night shifts and double shifts! Kajang is nearby my boyfriend, so I'll probably be seeing him a lot after work.

Anyway, today I had the best shopping experience ever! I can't really go into details but I'll tell you this: I wish someone would hurry up and break the news so I can go crazy!! There are so many things I want to say, but I can't!

Alright, alright, time to iron my clothes for tomorrow (I'll be wearing this really ugly white shirt and black pants because I haven't gotten my uniform yet) and pack my working bag. Even though the pay is crap and I'm hoping to get something better before the end of January next year, I'm pretty psyched to start work.

Khairatul Azwa, Registered Nurse

Bsc. Nursing (Hons) UKM

I like the sound of that.

You Know I'm Such A Fool For You

I try to be understanding. He's got his finals coming up next week and he's been studying really hard. We were supposed to go for a movie this weekend but he wanted to study so I said okay. Last week, he had his FYP and presentation. For the past two weekends he's had this autocad course.

It's not like I haven't seen him in weeks. I just saw him yesterday. But it was just a 2 hour chat over drinks and maggie goreng at a mamak stall and even then, I could feel he wasn't really there with me. He was upset over his exams and I couldn't stay for long because I know my mom's waiting for me back home. The night before we had a really huge argument over the phone. The next day, he couldn't do his exams so I resolved that that's the last time I argue with him before an exam. I should have let it slide. We went out last week but he was down with the flu so we didn't really enjoy ourselves.

It's been such a long time since we had an actual date. I miss all those times in college, when he would pick me up and take me for roti bom and we would laugh and talk all night. Now, whenever I want to see him, I have to check his schedule, fill up the car, drive 45km through all that horrible KL jam, just to spend 2 hours with him. And then I have to rush home and worry about my parents telling me off for coming home late.

Our love is not carefree anymore. We used to be able to go wherever we wanted, for however long we wanted to, and not care about anyone else but each other.

Now I can't even tell him I miss having him all to myself. Now all I can do is put on The Cranberries and Coldplay and hold all my tears in.

Mereka kata rindu itu indah. Namun bagiku ini menyiksa.

What I'm Going To Do Tomorrow

1. Call all the hospitals I sent my resume to last week and ask if I could do a walk-in interview. If all 7 hospitals say no, it's time to got to any nearby hospitals and beg for a job.

2. No1 criteria when choosing a hospital to work in : a hostel or any roof over my head. I don't care if they give me a sleeping bag and tell me to camp out the back of the ward. I will do it.

3. Complete any given assignments ASAP. I'm currently doing one and the payment's quite big (and it's all banked in) so now I just have to finish it as fast as I can and then spend that money as wisely as possible so I can start a new life.

4. Pack my stuff and move out.

One less person to speak to, one less irritation in my life. I've cut you out, and don't even think about asking me any favors or even looking at me for the rest of my life. Faham?

I envy people their close siblings, caring parents, families knitted tight and strong. When I hear about people saying how much they love their kids and can't imagine leaving their kids behind for even a night out, my stomach is in knots because I know that's not the way my mom feels about me.

God knows I've never identified with the term "rumahku, syurgaku" or "home sweet home".

Say whatever you want about me but I know you wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

And if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I fucking hate you, you pretentious bitch.

Forgiving The Unforgivable

It's amazing how love can make you forgive someone. Simply because you don't want to lose them. Because you believe, even after how much they've hurt you, that they are a good person and worthy of your forgiveness and of your love.

I wasn't just the victim in my past love chapters. Many a time, I was also the villain. Maybe it was my insecurities playing up, or just sheer boredom, or curiosity that made me test the waters.

Unfortunately, some of my weaknesses still haunt me. But I don't ever want to hurt Asrul the way I hurt other people in my past life. It was mostly a game to us back then; you hurt me so I'll hurt you. I don't want any of that for him.

There was a time, back then, that I wasn't sure if he was the right one for me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I didn't want to truly commit myself. Up till now, I never wanted to truly believe we were meant for each other because if we're not, then I'll just end up heartbroken.

When I told him all this, his response was, "There was never a doubt in my mind that you're the right one for me". It was so honest that it almost made me cry.

We went through all our issues tonight. How I felt back then and why I did what I did. Even though he's told me before that he's forgiven me, it was hard for me to forgive myself.

Because I've never felt this way before.

I've never looked at a cute guy and not want to smile. I've never rejected flirtatious calls purely out of disinterest and not because I was afraid of being found out. I've never wanted to make someone so happy before.

A world without him is literally black and white. Like lyrics without rhyme. I know this because I've lived that world before. I lived it, I tried to be happy, I tried to move on but it always felt like I was leaving my right side behind.

I can learn to forgive myself, the same way I forgave him for his sins and defended him against anyone who didn't have faith in us. I can keep being his no1 supporter in his studies, inspiring his ambitions. I can tweak my future plans for him, weave my dreams around him to make sure he fits into my life.

But if I lose him, I'll never find someone I'll love as much ever again.

It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you.

Dirty Confessions

1. I hate my body. I love my well-endowed front, but everything else than that makes me want to chop myself up and feed myself to the sharks. I've always felt this way, it didn't matter whether I was 50kg back when I was 16 or when I am the God-knows-how-many-kilos-I-am right now. I didn't even realize I was skinny way back then and thought everyone was pretty much insane for thinking I was too skinny. Well, now that I am cute as a hippo, I look back at my teenage photos in utter disbelief.

I'm trying to lose weight now but I know, even when I reach that target weight, after the elated victory subsides, I'm gonna start hating my body again. I really don't know why I'm like this or what to do.

2. I know I can be pretty sometimes but I think everyone else is way more gorgeous than I am. Look at all my friends, aren't most of them beautiful? I know birds of a feather flock together but I feel the ugliest of the bunch. I hate my huge front teeth, my balding hair, my freckles (thank God I hardly ever get pimples) and my super near-sightedness (I'll probably need Lasik in the near future) and how sometimes my eyes are so small, they can hardly be seen in a photo.

3. I can't handle numbers. I struggle with the simplest of maths and it makes me feel so stupid and I fear for my patient's lives. I will always have a calculator on me when I start working. I may be stupid but I do care not to let my stupidity kill someone.

4. Above all else, I hate my temper. My rage is so overwhelming sometimes, I feel sure that I will burst into flames. Which I probably will, later, in Hell, when I pay for my sins of hurting just about everyone I love. When I am angry, I can't listen to reason and whether you try to talk to me or not, everything is your fault. The only thing standing between me and murder is my faith in God, which I will be forever thankful. And also, after I've let out my wrath on someone, I then feel incredibly guilty but will hardly ever say sorry directly to you because I am so ashamed of myself and my huge ego.

5. I do not know how to relate to people. This has changed a bit since I entered nursing, I find it easier to talk to people and smile at strangers. But still, if it isn't in the name of nursing, I wouldn't turn to look twice at anyone and would mostly pass by people without a glance. People who don't know me call me stuck up, I know that and pretend not to care. But really. I find it difficult to make friends in a new environment. I just don't know the right things to say.

6. I have a strained relationship with my family. Enough said.

7. I have countless ex-boyfriends. Most of them was when I was a teenager and was trying to find comfort in a very lonely world. I really don't know who to blame but if you don't know my story, don't judge me just yet. I got cheated a lot and most of them left me and those who stayed, I left them for those who didn't. There were those who were abusive, there were those who lied with every single word they spoke, there were those who wanted me just to get their friends jealous. I've had too much of my share of rotten guys that I am amazed sometimes, of how I can still fall in love over and over again. Stupid much?

I know I have many things to be thankful for. Material things, as well as natural God given gifts that I have. I know that some of my good friends may counter what I say here with things that they love about me. But you know what? The truth is, I am so insecure that I'm practically keeping my arms around me just to keep myself from falling apart.

I know it's my fault for never being able to believe that you love me and only me. Given my history, my roots, my beliefs about myself, I really don't know what else to believe. How can you love someone like me without having the slightest itch for someone else?

I've had a rough night. I know that when I see him later today, I'll probably start crying all over again.

And I know right now I sound like someone who is in deep need of counselling.

"Advice From Your Mama"

The Victor

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

-C.W. Longenecker-

This arrived in my e-mail today, from my mom, with the above title. Together with the following message :

Wishing all our children success and happiness! That life will treat u well most of the time, if not all.

Love,

Mama & Papa


Since I gave my mom my e-mail address a few days ago, she's been bombarding me with forwarded messages, mostly about general safety and once, on how to escape in case I got kidnapped.

But I love this e-mail the best.

You Took Me By Surprise

Today me and Asrul got into a really heated fight in public. We went at it at the stairwell and I was ready to walk away for good when he grabbed my head and pulled me to his chest. I tried to break his grip and told him to let go but he was too strong for me. His tears fell into my hair and I could feel his heart beating against my cheek.

Just like that, my anger dissipated. I could actually feel the fire in me sizzling against cold air, leaving only traces of smoke and glowing embers threatening to disappear.

Thank you for never giving up on me, never leaving. Thank you for being the best when I am at my worst.

Inna lillahi wa ina illahi ra'jiun

Today was the first time I went out wearing a tudung. Reason being : I wanted to try it out, I've been reading the Quran everyday for the whole month and have been thinking about turning over a new leaf. And I also wanted to go to an Islamic bookstore in Bangi to get myself a new Quran because mine is (according to my neighbor who's teaching me how to read) an older version.

After buka and maghrib prayers, me and Asrul headed over to Times Square because I wanted to treat him to a movie. The Expendables. I know how much he's wanted to watch that movie, even before it was released. We arrived at Times Square around 9.45 pm and got the 10 pm movie, which was perfect timing. When I was paying for the movie, I admitted I bragged a bit. I held my purse open and said "Banyaknye duit I". I just received my RA payment of rm160 and my dad gave me rm100 this morning before he left for Terengganu and I still had the rm50 my mom gave me for my chores last week. At the time, I had spent around rm30 for buka plus toll expenditures and rm22 for movie tickets and rm12 for popcorn and drinks. When I entered that movie hall, I had (give or take) around rm246 in my purse.

When I said "Banyaknye duit I", I had no intention of bragging at all. Asrul even said "Berlagak eh u" and at the time, it crossed my mind that perhaps, God will punish me for my arrogance but I brushed it away almost as soon as it entered my head. When I said what I said, I was actually in awe. I don't know why. It isn't unusual for me to lug around hundreds of ringgit in my purse but I haven't done so since I graduated and my parents stopped giving me pocket money and so, I was quite amazed at the amount of cash I had. And if I'm honest, I'd say there was a feeling in me that said "it's too good to be true".

We sat at the very back row. Seat A24 and A25. As usual, I placed my huge handbag right next to my foot, between him and me. I always place my handbag next to my foot but I make sure my foot is always touching it so I know it's there.

The movie was awesome. We were probably just 30mins into it when I had this disturbing feeling about my bag. Tak senang hati. So I picked it up and checked my phone. Usually, when I have this sort of feeling, it's because someone's calling me but I'm not picking up. I checked my phone. No missed calls. I had a feeling I had to place my phone in my pants pocket, just in case my parents called. But I ignored that feeling and placed it back into my bag and next to my foot. About 10mins later, I was still feeling unsettled. I picked up my bag again and was surprised to find it unzipped. My first thought was "Omg, did my eyeliner fall out?" I've lost 2 MAC eyeliners through my own carelessness of forgetting to zip up my bag.

My eyeliner was still there. I looked around on the floor and found my lip balm. I poked Asrul in the ribs and told him my bag was unzipped and asked him to check if there was anything on the floor. He looked around, even felt under the seat but there was nothing. So I zipped my bag and placed it next to my foot again.

Not 10mins later, I was still feeling unsure of myself. Something kept bugging me to check my purse that was in my handbag. And so, I reached, once more, for my bag. It was still unzipped. This time, I panicked a bit. I checked my purse. The latch was undone. I looked inside but all my things were there. I felt for the side pocket where I kept my cash.

It was empty. I couldn't believe it so I checked again. Perhaps my hand slipped under the cash. It was dark but when I looked, I was pretty sure my purse was empty of money. I looked again to make sure I was looking at the right pocket.

The money was really gone.

I shook Asrul. "Mana duit I???" He was surprised and checked it for me. While we were checking, someone emerged from behind our seat and ran for the exit that was right next to us. I was shocked beyond words. It was only when the door was closing that the reality hit me.

I've been robbed.

Asrul ran out the back door but he was gone. All I ever saw was a black shadow moving towards the door. I was so shocked, I couldn't believe what was happening.

We ran around the back stairs, me screaming at him and him screaming back at me.

"Kenapa u tak kejar dia?!"

"Selipar I putus la u, I nak kejar macam mana?!"

"U dah nampak dia dah, kenapa you tak kejar!!"

We were running up and down the emergency stairs, opening unlocked fire escapes, trying to find the bastard, all the while in a heated argument ourselves. It was hell. There were so many exits. Some led to storerooms, some led to back alleys. He could have easily escaped or hid somewhere.

In despair, we gave up after about 15mins of running up and down those stairs, opening doors that led nowhere. And then we got a bit lost trying to find our way back to the movie hall. When we did find our way back, I entered the hall in tears and he was shouting and cursing at GSC. Everyone was staring but no one offered any help or even asked us what was wrong. We left the hall screaming for the guy to stop, for one thing. And I'm pretty sure the couple seated next to us could hear what was going on.

Thank you, friendly Malaysians. Thanks for nothing.

We headed over to the GSC management, me ready to tear someone into pieces for leaving the back doors unguarded, and Asrul trying to hold me back and calm me down.

Long story short, no one wanted to claim responsibility. GSC brought us to the security office where they wanted us to file a report but when I asked what the report was for, they simply said it was "for feedback" and nothing much would be done. I didn't want to waste my time writing my heart out on a piece of paper that would then be stuffed far far away in some file in a long forgotten office but Asrul wrote and signed the report. I was crying and hyperventilating and couldn't sit still and wasn't going to listen to what anyone told me.

Can you believe that the GSC manager said that there's a sign at the movie entrance that clearly stated patrons were supposed to take care of their belongings and they claim no responsibility to lost or stolen property? And the security guards (the ones who can speak Malay la kan) said that I could lodge a police report and "kalau polis ambil serious case ni" then I can bring my report here and view the CCTVs.

No one helped us. When Asrul asked what action would they take, they answered some corporate crap that I can't even remember now. This is the attitude of people these days. If it didn't happen to them, they don't give a damn about other people's hardship. The stupid GSC manager even scoffed at me and mocked me about the emergency exits.

I am refraining from cursing in this post because I will mention Allah SWT here.

When I was running around the fire escape stairwell, all I could think of was,"Why is this happening to me? Why has Allah forsaken me? Haven't I been good lately? Haven't I prayed everyday for bad things not to befall me and the ones I love?"

Now that I have calmed down, I see now that I was wrong. If bad things never happened to good people, then we will never learn from life. I accept anything He chooses me to go through and I will be patient. He has not forsaken me for I am alive and well and all that I have lost is material things that are replaceable.

And hasn't He said to us that when disaster comes, however big or small, those who say "inna lillahi wa ina illahi ra'jiun" (Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return) and those who prevail in patience when tested are the ones who will prosper. It is He who gives and it is He who takes away.

I have surely failed this test of His. I cried and I screamed and I blamed just about everyone.

I am writing this post after just coming home from this ordeal. I am still traumatized and keep on replaying it all in my head. Everything that could have prevented it from happening. What if we had picked a different seat? What if I had held my bag in my lap? What if I had acted fast enough as soon as I discovered my bag was unzipped the first time? What if I had heeded my gut feelings and placed my phone in my pocket? What if I didn't step on Asrul's flops and broke it at the beginning of the movie so he could have run faster and caught the thief? What if I hadn't bragged about how much money I had?

There is nothing left to be done. My parents weren't upset when I called them, they were just concerned about me getting home safe and my dad said my money and hand phone can be replaced but that didn't erase the events of the day.

I will now go take a shower and stay up all night reading the Quran until I can't read and my eyes can't see and then I will pray for consequences for the thieving bastard, consequences both in the present and in the afterlife.

I hope he gets hit by a bus so that Allah SWT can deal with him.

Consolation

Quick post while I'm here at Oldtown Kajang.

I did my hair this morning! After 4 grueling hours of being propped up in a salon chair, I think my hair looks pretty good! I look like I actually have a whole head of hair instead of a few strands, for one thing.


And that is the only consolation I have after all my convocation pictures were lost in a faulty memory card and yesterday's trip to the beach where we ended up fighting almost the whole way back.

While I wait for the studio pictures, this is all I have left of my convocation pictures. Thank God for camera phones!


I do not want to think about those convocation pics. Already I feel a stab in my heart everytime I lay eyes on my friends' pictures.

Sorry eh tak komen gambar korang. Tak sanggup nak tengok.

A BIG congrats to my dearest friend Sai, who won the Best Bumiputera Engineering Student! Proud of you, Sai! Gosh, I wish I had studied harder.

Tengok, Syaz! Masa kat matrik dulu asyik fikir Sai ni busy buat kerja apa padahal sama class kan! Rupanya dia study macam gila time kitorg tengah tengok movie hari-hari kan!

Congrats Saiyang!

August, My Favorite

I think I've been waiting all year just to get to this month.

What's so fab about August?

Well, it's not just because yours truly will be turning 22 on the 15th, but also my much-awaited convocation is this weekend, plus Asrul's birthday is just 5 days after mine, and it's also the first time in 5 years that I will be spending the fasting month at home!

Yes, it has been 5 years since I last spent the whole of Ramadhan at home and I miss pigging out during the breaking of fast! Teheee. Tomorrow there'll be 2 events for graduates and I'll be going to both, then on Saturday is The Big Day.

Both Ezzura and Asrul have tickets to actually go into the hall and see me receive my scroll as both my parents managed to secure VIP tickets (thanks to my dad's many friends in UKM). I'll be wearing a new outfit of silk and chiffon which cost almost RM 500 (no doubt it will be the last piece of garment my dad's buying for me).

I've been sending out resumes with little feedback so I'm thinking, after Shawal arrives, I might just go job-hunting again but this time I'll aim low. I've got to be more positive. I'm pretty sure I'll get a government nursing position but that will take a few months, so, in the meantime, I think I'll be a kindergarten teacher. I am obsessed with cute kids. But I do hope that I'll be teaching kids 4 years old or under as all that cute screaming gets more annoying as they get older.

Monday I'll be going to the salon to get my hair done! I love going to the salon! I don't know which one I'm more excited for, my convocation or getting my hair done! This is my current hair but don't be fooled, I just had it ironed today for the convocation events tomorrow so, in reality, it looks way messier than pictured here.


At first I was thinking of just straightening my hair and opting for a brighter color (I'm thinking reddish brown) but then my mind went into overdrive and now I'm thinking of curls or a short bob. I haven't decided yet but I'm pretty sure I'll go for long curls. I'm quite bored with my long straight hair.

Oh, I almost forgot. Me and Asrul will be going for a picnic by the beach this Sunday. I won't have time to cook so I'll just head over to my favorite nasi lemak place in Kajang and perhaps pack a few sandwiches. We've never gone out of the city together before so this should be fun.

Nothing can spoil August.

I Am Screwed Up Because

I'm feeling pretty emotional today. The answer to the why question is anybody's guess, since nothing major really happened. Anyway, they say putting your feelings into words can make you feel better, so let me vent on how I feel.

1. I think everyone's prettier than me. That's right, I'm talking about you, even if the mirror shows you, as a fat, pimple-plagued geek with braces. I think you'd be prettier than me right now.

It could be because I'm still recovering from a pretty bad flu and am just glad no one's here to witness my sniffing and hawking and my leaving a trail of tissues wherever I go. My hair really needs a visit to the salon. For rebonding and re-coloring. But what it really needs is to go to Yun Nam hair care. You could probably see my scalp from 10 miles away.

2. If I told you I weigh 100kg, would you believe me? Well, it seems like I'm making my way there. Today I had 3 slices of cheesecake (there's a whole cake in the fridge which my mom bought just for me), 1 for lunch and 2 for dinner. Had Special K with strawberries for breakfast and sushi for lunch and cooked tofu chicken and steamed vege for dinner, which I ended up eating alone because my parents had to go out.

I thought of going for a jog in the evening but then I fell asleep on the couch with the TV on.

3. I really, really want my life to start. Right now. What do I mean by "life"? I mean working and earning and living on my own. I mean going out with girlfriends whenever I want to and spending late nights out with my boyfriend. Sure, he doesn't really go out at night even when we had the option but you know what, it's just nice to know that you can. And I want my own money and the freedom to spend it and live my messy little life without being screamed at everyday.

4. I hate this stupid flu. I've been breathing through my mouth for 3 days now. It's tiring!

5. I check my e-mail everyday, twice a day. Once when I wake up, and one more time at night, in case someone decided to reply my resume in the evening. I've written to 5 hospitals, waited for 4 working days (excluding weekends) and still... no word.

6. I really regret telling my mum that I wanna join a gym when I'm a working gal. Now she goes on and on about how it's a sin to have to pay to exercise and today she went on about some guy writing to the papers about being harassed by the gym people because he wants to quit the gym.


Tomorrow I'm going to UKM Bangi to pay my convocation bills, then off to Shah Alam to see Asrul. We'll probably spend the whole day together. Saturday we'll probably go catch a movie. Sunday, if my pay is in, we'll head down to Melaka.

Pfftt. I still don't feel any better.

The Excellent Secret Keeper

That's me with my mama.

Today at my sister's birthday dinner, my sister opened her Thomas Sabo necklace which came along with a charms catalog. My mum was sitting next to me, then took the catalog and asked me to guess which charm she bought for my coming birthday.

"Ma, I want it to be a surprise!"

"I'm asking you to guess only la..! Ha, see..which one you like? I buy the most expensive for you, you know.."

Terharu sekejap. "Ermm..okay". So I leafed through the catalog. She paused at one page.

"It's on this page!"

"Oh really? Hurmm..something with a pearl?"

"No, papa picked a pearl one for you but I said it's too big, you won't like it".

"Must be something with diamonds then. Is it this one?" I pointed to a dragonfly shaped charm, encrusted with diamonds.

"No, not that that one! Guess some more". What a relief. It would've ruined the whole surprise!

"Ma, I don't want to know la!"

"It's on this page, look!". I could see her thumb pointing to a pink round diamond with a heart in the middle. I think it was that one but I pushed the catalog away quickly.

My dad was sitting next to my mum, listening in on everything. "You can never trust mama with a secret".

Note to self : Never tell mama something unless I want the whole family to know.

I can't wait for my birthday!