Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Promise of 2010

I'm just 2 days away from a whole new year. The day when our beautiful 3rd rock completes it's full circle around the sun.

Believe it or not, we have been together for 2 years and yet I have never celebrated the new year with my lovely boyfie. The first year he was unavailable under certain circumstances. *ahem* The second year, my parents did a barbecue and I had to be there and we weren't ready for him to meet my parents yet.

And now, we are coming into our 3rd year together. I have to say, 2009 was a good year for us. We (he) improved a lot and we learnt a lot from each other. Highlights of this year? London, of course. But the best part of '09? The few days before I left for London, we were on his bike and he was holding my hand with one of his free hands. Then he kissed it and turned to look at me and gave me this big smile.

I will always remember that. I think it was the best and most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Because it was so sincere and unexpected. I just didn't know how to respond to that so I gripped his hand tighter.

Other than love, friends has also become a great part of this year. I am always grateful for the fact that, wherever I go, I always have a good, dependable friend by my side. Ezzura was there for me in primary school and all the way through high school. Syaz, Naza, and Sai were my besties in matriculation. And now? Soleha is my closest friend and confidant.

Sure, out of all the sweetness and comfort friends provide, there will always be that sour spot when you think you won't make it through. Though all my friends has gone through these times with me, times when we don't really speak to each other or are mad at one another, I think a special thanks should go out to my best BFF ever.

I've always thought of making a post about her one day. About how we met and the childhood we spent together. How she's still a great friend to me now. But I didn't know how to get it all out without sounding oh-so-corny and with a hint of gay. Well, after all the laughter and tears we've shared together, all the long phone calls and texts before we discovered boys to entertain us, there were still times when we got so pissed at each other, we had screaming matches. And I'm sorry to say that one of these times happened in 2009.

I love you weh. And I'm really2 sorry for hurting you at any time. You're like the sister I never had and the best friend I'll always have. I'm amazed that you manage to forgive me every time we fight, while I pull a face and sulk. I'm sorry I'm not the strong one to apologize in the heat of the moment. But you are and I respect that. I hope every year will be good to you and no matter what happens, please remember that you can count on me to be there for you.



There. I told you it was going to be corny.

Ahem. *straight back, wipes tears away and pulls a straight face*

2010 holds many new beginnings for me. Graduation, getting a job, maybe renting a place of my own, and getting my first car. Bringing him to meet my parents, and then my sister's getting married in June. Then, at the end of 2010, he'll graduate.

I'm already so psyched for 2010. Nervous, excited, but most of all, anticipating with high hopes. Don't bother asking me what's my new year's resolutions. I never have one because you might as well call it "Things I'll never get done in 2010". But I do have one mission but it's got nothing to do with the excitement of a new year. This mission has been up and running since 29/12/09 and hopefully will be complete by 29/03/10.

Wish me luck!

I can't wait to watch the fireworks with him tomorrow. And I can't wait to unravel the future with him.



Happy new year everyone. May all your dreams and wishes come true. God bless you!

Monday, December 28, 2009


If you can no longer make me smile
If you can no longer make me laugh
If this happiness was meant to be our last
Then let me hold you for just a while.


Heartache is my best muse. And this just went through my head. Can't think of anything else to go with it, though. I haven't written poems in a really long time.

That Bursting, Bubbling, Boiling Feeling




We had a fight.

I'm not gonna say what it was about. But it was bad enough for him to take my helmet when I offered it to him and said I never want to see him again.

I am so mad right now, I could burst into flames. Like, literally just go up in flames. And if I do, I want him to be right next to me so he would catch fire too.

Fine, maybe I am such a spoilt, mengada girlfriend that I can't take any critic or the slightest mistake. And I hardly ever say I'm sorry. But I still do want to see him everyday. Text him all the time. Despite his imperfections and the fact that I get pissed at him all the time. But then I realized a few weeks back how he has changed.

No more wanting to see me everyday. No more texting me all the time. It's always me initiating anything.

I do not have a problem if he wants to start dating other people. Go ahead. But at least have the courtesy to tell me so I wouldn't get caught up in this whirlwind and get my emotions all wound up.

Seriously.

If you have someone else in mind, just tell me.

If you're sick of me, just tell me.

If the romance of being reunited after 2 months apart has worn off, just tell me.

And if you're embarassed to be seen with me, just effing tell me.

I haven't cried yet. I'm not a big crier. Even my mum said I hardly cried when I was a baby. But I do throw tantrums. So this is my tantrum.

I hate you right now. I want to get revenge on you and make you jealous. I want to hurt you the way you've hurt me. And then I want to see you torn apart and act like I don't care. I want to throw things at you and scream at you till your ears go deaf.

And then I'm going to make a life-sized doll of you so that I could do all these things to you and get away with it.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Life's a Bitch

I've got the long awaited results. And as I've expected, it wasn't as good as the previous one. Sure, I still got above 3.5 but now my graph's all messed up.

What graph, you ask?

Back when my mum was still teaching, she would have me help her out by plotting a graph of each student's exam performance. The graph was made up of all the exam marks of each individual student, according to subject, so you could see clearly if a student was improving or deteriorating. This led me to have a mental graph of my own performance in university.

Up till now, my graph has been a positive linear one. Which means that I am improving each sem, something that I was privately proud of because I am not trying to compete with my classmates. I only want to do better than before, because of that mental graph I have. But now, it's like the graph has shot straight up and then... one *poof* at the end where it falls.

This sucks. I hate to be the one to deteriorate.

=(

And of course, my parents' reaction was just as I expected. Sure, they weren't mad or anything. But they weren't exceptionally proud like before either. They were like, "Oh." And then a pause. And then, "That's good." Too little, too late. I already know that they are disappointed. Even though my mum says she's still proud of me because I was chosen to go to London and my dad said my results was still in the A zone; but no, I know they are disappointed. They're just trying to console me and themselves with justification.

I have never been disappointed over my exam results. And I mean never. Even though there was that one time where I got 2.94. But at the time, the whole class failed and I was thanking my lucky stars that I was one of the four who passed.

And also, I think justice has not been served in some areas. I know that if you interview me and someone else over a certain subject, I would be able to answer far better and no, I'm not boasting because I know this is true. Maybe I wrote too much unnecessary stuff during the exam. Maybe my nerves got to me so much, my answers didn't make sense. And I know damn well that I didn't have time to re-check.

Maybe life is just unfair.

Fine, my mum's right. There's no use crying over spilled milk. And my dad says I can try again this semester. At that, I can manage nothing more than a a scoff because this semester is hard. And I mean the hardest ever. I've got research and management, both killer subjects that threaten to shoot me in the head. And then there's the whole business of doing up my resume and applying for a job.

Sigh.

=(

I'm gonna go dye my hair now. Please let me be gorgeous after this so I can get over this sinking feeling.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Lessons on Living




As usual during the holidays, I am always hungry for a good book, because this is the only time I could read. I keep bugging my parents to buy me a new book, oblivious to the fact that the best books are just on the shelves of my own home. I actually bought 2 books this semester break, one of them being The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom. The book was good and stayed with me a day or two before I started to forget the message of the story. But then, it was good enough to make me want to read another book by Mitch Albom and I recalled seeing Tuesdays With Morrie on the shelf in the family hall. So I picked it up and started reading.

By the end of 3 days, the book moved me so much, I was actually crying. And I'm not one to cry over movies or songs, much less over story books. But the story was just so deep and meaningful, and Morrie is just such a great person that I cried for him, even though we would never ever know each other. God, if I knew him personally I would probably cry myself to death too.

The book is based on a true story, about an old college professor diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), or better known as Lou Gehrig's disease. This is a disease that slowly eats up all the nerves in your body, leaving you paralyzed and "trapped" in your own body. Doctors predict a maximum of 5 years to live when diagnosed with ALS. I think Morrie lived up to two. Mitch Albom is the student of Morrie, who heard about him on TV and then travelled to meet him every Tuesday, documenting everything Morrie had to say about what he has learnt from life. And no, it is not at all as boring as it sounds. Notable people with ALS includes Stephen Hawking, and even if you don't know the name, I am sure you know the person. It's this guy right here:




The heartbreaking part isn't even about the cruelty of the disease. It is that Morrie is a wonderful person. Such a lively man with a good heart. For a person like that to be struck by such an illness and then being strong about it, it just brings me to tears. He's the kind of man who dances alone, not caring how he looks like, and everyone would probably think he was making a fool out of himself if it wasn't for the fact that he seems to be throughly enjoying himself.
And he got the disease at age 73. That just breaks my heart even more because, believe it or not, I love old people. This is something I have learnt ever since I joined nursing. Old people are funny in that they can tell you fascinating stories about their youths, or have cute complaints over everyday matter like using the toilet. And then there's the part where you get to help out in feeding, bathing, and cleaning an old person, and whether I receive gratitude or not doesn't matter to me because that person has already given me that all-round good feeling. I love old people. Also, old age is when you get to relax, reflect upon life and really enjoy the things around you. I think it just sucks when old age is ruined by things like disease or family problems.

My favorite excerpts from this book are these:

One afternoon, I am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what I want for myself.
"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match". He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins"


Needless to say, a tension of opposites is exactly how I would describe my relationship with Asrul. I'm loud, he's shy. I'm impulsive, he's careful and deliberate. I spend money like nobody's business while he's preaching at me to save some for a rainy day. And who wins? When we were so busy wrestling each other, having screaming matches, it was so clear who the winner was. Either me or him. But now, when we have understood how much we mean to each other, we let love win. We always agree in the middle. Well, most of the time anyway.

It is 1979, a basketball game in the Brandeis gym. The team is doing well, and the student section begins a chant, "We're number one! We're number one!" Morrie is sitting nearby. He is puzzled by the cheer. At one point, in the midst of "We're number one!" he rises and yells, "What's wrong with being number two?"
The students look at him. They stop chanting. He sits down, smiling and triumphant.


This one is just plain hilarious. Morrie is a very philosophical man, and I can't remember all of the philosophies he came up with by the end of his life but he just didn't agree with the American culture. You've got to read the book to really get what I'm saying. And my final quote on him:

"It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at 22, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at 22. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."

As a child, I have always been impatient about my age. When I was 9, I couldn't wait to be 12. When I was 12, I could wait to be 18. And when I was 18, I couldn't wait to be, well, 21. And now I can't wait to hit 25 so I can get married. But that's it. I wish life could pause in my twenties, the best age you could ever be. But life just doesn't work that way and Morrie has given me a more positive outlook on aging.

Upon finishing this book, I again began to debate with myself. Which field do I really want to be involved in? Mental health or midwifery? Morrie was involved in mental health and reading his story has confirmed to me what I have suspected all along. That learning and practicing mental health really gives u satisfaction in life. It is a very personally rewarding field. But midwifery? I have wanted to be a midwife since I first discovered nursing, when I was 17. I have read books on pregnancy and newborns. I have planned to work in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) when I graduate.

Well, I think I will leave that for future me to decide. Future me is screwed with those two choices. Meanwhile, present me has to concentrate on graduating at least upper first class.

I suggested to Asrul that perhaps he could borrow some books I have to improve his English, since he's keen on doing that (after my mum suggested it, he has become quite enthusiastic). I was surprised when he agreed on reading up, so I'm lending him The Five People You Meet In Heaven, also by Mitch Albom. It's a simple book but with meaning, exactly the kind I like. I'm beginning to have a liking for books that are meaningful and come with a message. Chick lits are okay, but only if you're taking a crap and want to pass some time. Well, for me at least.

Thanks Ezzura, for the heads up on Cecilia Ahern's A Place Called Here, didn't want to waste my time going round a thick book with a silly ending.

The next book on the list is Roddy Doyle's Paddy Clarke Hahaha. Yup, that really is the title. I bought it because it has a unique cover. I just hope it doesn't disappoint me.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Commitment Is Nudging Me

I am back in college, a good 9 days before the semester even begins. I'm waiting for the word from my research partner, Soleha, so we can get started finalizing our research proposal. Meanwhile, I am spending everyday online, reading novels, eating, sleeping till noon, and hanging out with Asrul.

I am dead bored.

Asrul can only spare weekends for me since he's working weekdays and then there's the part where neither one of us has enough money to go anywhere. Yesterday we went bowling and he was so happy at the end of it, he asked me if I had any bad feelings today and I said no, and he said neither did he and he feels that today is a perfect day and he loves me more than anything and that I complete his life.

=)

Back to the part where we don't have money, I am soooooooo anxious waiting for 2 things and I don't know which one I am most waiting for: a)my ptptn to cash in or, b)my results to come out. I am hoping they would both arrive on the same day so that if my results are good, I can celebrate and if not, well, retail therapy works really well on me. And I am absolutely dying for a new handbag. I have actually wanted to buy a light blue faded skinny jeans but I think the handbag should come first. I have been using the same black thing for almost 2 years now. I am in dire need for a new one. I'm thinking a purple one would be great, what do you think? I did the big mistake of googling handbags last night and it got me craving so bad, I could only fall asleep around 4 a.m.

I'm also thinking about getting a new hair colour because I noticed all my pictures show me as a partial brunette; half of my hair is some black dirt colour or something. But I'm really happy with my hair now, it's just nicely straight, and deals well with ironed curls, and well, I have to say that it is very silky to the touch, even though I have so little hair, I could grab everything with one whisk of my hand. Hehe. I'm thinking of getting a brighter kind of brown or some highlights, I still don't know which. All I know is, I'm growing it long to get nice long curls for graduation, which is a good 9 months from now. I hope my hair has reached my waist by then.

Anyway, today I went with Asrul's family to visit his dad at the ward. His dad just went through an operation last Friday, and it was a bit risky cause it was at his neck. He's being treated for cervical stenosis, by the way, a condition where the cervical nerves are being pressed down by the cervical spine. It's an old injury from football practice, I think. His dad also has chronic kidney disease, gout, and high blood pressure. I'm not sure bout his age but it's around 50 plus. So anyway, his mum was talking to a friend who was visiting at the hospital and I was standing next to her when the friend asked when her eldest son (Asrul's elder brother) is getting married. His mum laughed and said no, he still has lots of things to figure out and doesn't even have a serious girlfriend yet. And then she glanced at me, smiled, and said Asrul will probably get married first. Both women then looked at me and smiled. My heart jumped like anything. I turned to look at Asrul next to me. Who is intently engrossed in a video game in his handphone. I then nudged him and whispered, did you hear that? He only gave me a tiny smile and went on with his game. Well, I know he heard what his mum said.

Meanwhile, my mum looks like she's getting used to the idea of me and him. She asked me a few basic questions about him when I was back home. Stuff like how many siblings he has, what his mum does for a living, stuff like that. So she's showing interest. And I'm inviting him to my sister's wedding next June. I'm probably gonna bring him to meet my parents by April.

Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of getting serious with him. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. The thing is... I am really scared of bringing him to meet my parents. I am happy with this relationship as it is. I don't need anyone's evaluations or judgement. But of course, after meeting my parents, there's that inevitable "What do you think?" question. And Asrul, he's not big on first impressions. He is really shy. And I mean, really shy. I am surprised he doesn't come with a shell.

Oh gosh, I just hope everything goes well. And when his mum mentioned us getting married, I was like... wham! Reality hit. I am old enough to get married. And marriage will mean grandkids for our parents and no, I want to take things slow. I am not having kids within the first 2 years, if I can help it.

Ah, whatever, I am just going on and on because I am so bored. I am currently reading Cecilia Ahern's A Place Called Here, and I would appreciate anyone's comment of whether it's a good book or not because I would hate to finish the whole book only to find that it is a crappy one.

On a final note, I am currently listening to this awesome song Ezzura gave me, no doubt she got it off Gossip Girl. I am so far behind Gossip Girl now that I can't even remember all the character's names. Okay, I'm lying. But I don't know what's going on. I am so gonna buy the season 2 DVD. Anyway, here's the song by Anya Marina, doing a cover of Whatever You Like, originally by T.I. But I love her version way better.

Anya Marina - Whatever You Like .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine


Happy listening!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Note To God



Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Dear Allah,

I love this guy with all my heart. Even though we may have our differences, there is not a day of my life since I met him that I have not been thankful to You for sending him to me. Now, all the heartbreaks and sleepless nights I have had since I first fell in love as a foolish teenage girl makes sense, because I would not have met him if it wasn't for the path my life has led me. We have both done mistakes in the past and it was only with the strength and love that You gave us that we were both able to seek forgiveness and it only made our relationship stronger. You have given him the realization and patience that he needed to change, and I can say now that he has. He is everything I could ever ask for and he makes me happy everyday. He is the kind of guy who would insist on carrying my handbag because he thinks it's too heavy for me, hold my hand and keep me from bumping into people because I always do, and say I'll steal the attention from the bride at a wedding when I'm feeling fat. I love him more than words can ever describe.

Please let me keep him. Even though I think at times that he is too good for me, please let me learn from my mistakes and give him the patience to wait for the changes I have to make. Please let him be my soul mate. Please let my parents like him with time, and bless us with the materials we need to build a happy home together. Please give me the strength to evade from distractions that are no good for me and make my heart stronger day by day.

Please let it be that, when I'm old and gray, we will be able to look into each other's eyes and still feel the love that we feel right now.


Amin.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Big Bad Monster Named Doubt

I have been so sure of my life for some time now. What I want to do after graduation, where I want to rent, what car I'm gonna drive, where I will work, what I will do on weekends, and how long after graduation will I take up a master's degree. When I want to get married, how I want my wedding to be, when I want to have children, how many I want to have.

Up till about 6 hours ago.

Me and Asrul went to a friend's wedding, and I didn't know anyone but tried to make conversation since he's pretty close to some guys and he was quite excited to go. So anyway, this one guy said he's engaged and will be married in January and invited us to his wedding in Melaka. I said insyaallah and then inquired about his fiance, who turned out to be a nurse currently working in Saudi Arabia. He was telling me all the big bucks she's making and that she will remain working there for 2 years or so after their wedding. He was telling me that I should work in Saudi Arabia too so I said I had plans to work in London after Asrul finished his degree.

And then the storm came.

He and his friend started saying things and even though I don't remember exactly what they said, the themes went something like "Hidup sana tak ada budaya", "Jangan lupa diri", and when I turned to Asrul for a little help and said he's coming with me and wants to stay there too, Asrul quickly said he wants to come back here soon after and I was like, I wanna stay there long-term and then the themes changed to "Syurga di bawah tapak kaki suami" and I can't remember what peribahasa the guy said, it went "Hujan batu di negara sendiri, hujan ntah-ape-tak-ingat-dah di negara orang" (which I understood as "the grass is always greener on the other side", an English proverb).

Arrrggghhhh... the only reason I kept quiet while they said all this was because they were older and I didn't even know they're names. Well, it wasn't like they were pakcik kind of old but around 28 or so. I didn't want to start a debate. Plus, I was tired and it was hot and the heat was giving me a headache. At the risk of sounding like a high-maintenance bitch, I will say right now that I do not want my wedding to be a kenduri in the dead heat of the afternoon. Saya sakit kepala okay.

I was sooooo bursting to say all these things to those guys just now but I couldn't, but here in my blog, I can, so here goes, what I want to say to those themes :

1. Hidup sana tak ada budaya.
- I celebrated Hari Raya over there. And even though if I do get to stay there long-term, I plan to return to Malaysia each Raya, I did see that the children and adults alike do keep the Malay traditions alive, even if the children did have heavy British accents and some did not understand Malay. I'm confident that with time, my kids will be able to know and love their Malaysian roots, and I will make sure we practice good cultural values at home. Just because we live among non-malays doesn't mean we have to go along with their way of life too.

2. Jangan lupa diri.
- Ish. Please, please.. I am not that kind of person..! And even though some may say I came home with an accent, which I think is so not true, I will always be true to myself. I don't know, maybe 10 years down the road, you just can't help but adapt to the people around you but no, I will not do things that I am not comfortable with just for the sake of impressing others or anything silly like that. I am not a culture shock kinda person okay.

3. Syurga di bawah tapak kaki suami.
- Yes I know. But I think it is a bit extreme when he said that once I get married, I am free of all my responsibilities to my parents and it will be Asrul who is responsible for both my parents and his. I found great discomfort in this. I mean, I know many people will argue with me but I am and always have been strong headed so I'm gonna say it anyway.
I do not expect him to be fair to both my parents and his. I mean, he might appear to be during most occasions, but if it really came to it, I am very sure he will pick his parents over mine and that's only natural as he's human and his parents did raise him, not mine. I do not blame him for that. I will respect any reasonable decisions he makes and treat him the way husbands should be treated. But one thing about me, I expect house work to be equal. I will cook and clean if he takes the trash out and does the laundry. I will not take any grumbling over having to make your own dinner because I'm just too tired from work. I want a husband who understands and is considerate, a team player. And when it comes to my parents, I will never consider myself to be absolved from all responsibility. And I mean never. Unless I'm dead.

4. Hujan batu di negara sendiri and blah blah blah..
- There are many things about Malaysia that I prefer over London. For example, the food and the people. But when I said I wanted a better future for my career, I was referring to the nursing profession. How undeveloped it is and how the service side's career pathway is a dead end. I do not want to end up as a full time lecturer. I want to be a nurse and nursing I will do. I want to be in the field, not watching from the sidelines. And my mom may never understand this, but that does not mean working shifts all the time. There are just so many nursing positions that works office hours. It's just that those positions (at least, the ones I'm interested in) are not available in Malaysia. I want to work in a developed country, gain experience, knowledge, further my education, and then return home and make the necessary changes. I know it's hard but at least I have the initiative and motivation. So yeah, if you are talking about the development and empowerment of the nursing profession, the grass is greener on the other side. And since I have only been to London, then my other side is London.

There. All out. But I do still have one doubt.

I can see that Asrul is starting to change his mind. The plan was to get married after he finishes his degree and then head out to London together. We planned to get jobs and raise our kids there but the one dispute has been over when we should come back. He wants to return home ASAP. I want my kids to be schooled there because the best universities are just in your backyard. And after that talk with his friends, he said to me that he is comfortable here but will follow me where I want to go and will not hinder my dreams. This was a great contrast to the excited Asrul who just can't wait to go to the places I've been to. The Asrul who would say "nak, nak" whenever I talk about our future together in another country.

I know it's just a plan but being able to picture my future has been of great comfort to me. I do not want a hazy picture. I want it to be crystal clear. I know that it is just a plan and only God will decide it's success. But at least I have guidance, direction, and passion to ensure me that success. And now all I have is a tainted picture. He doesn't even sound like he wants to go anymore.

Oh, and the guy also said that he thinks that as long as his family has enough to eat and be happy, he will be contented. But what I'm thinking is, if you can do better, then why don't you? Why settle for second best when you know you have more potential to excel? I do not want to to end up in a dead end job. I want to make a difference. I want to contribute to society. I want to be remembered. And the best way to do that is to figure out how things are done in other places that can be applied at home. That is why I need to venture outside this country.

Oh god, I need that crystal clear picture back. I hate doubt.

=(

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Holidays and The Fatty

Oh gosh I really can't wait to start the new semester. Don't get me wrong, I hate studying like hell and doing assignments but at least it keeps me busy and I have my own freedom living in college.

Home is great but I think it should be taken like medicine. In small, frequent doses. I love my family, but after a while they can just get to me but the real killer is the location of my home. It is BORING. There is no internet (I'm borrowing my sister's broadband and I don't get it often), there are no shops near home, and I know no one. Plus, my family eats a whole lot and when I'm home, I have to eat what and when they eat and since there is nothing to do, I am growing sideways. =(

I miss Kuala Lumpur and all it's glory. The bright city lights, the high-end shops I can't afford and the wireless internet everywhere. I miss being able to come and go as I please and not have a curfew.

On the bright side, I am really looking forward to next weekend. An official girl's night out! =)

Btw, New Moon rocked! But the movie was ruined by a fight during the movie. We had a couple's seat, right smack in the middle of the back row and we spent the movie fighting. Him and his incessant questions. I told you to watch Twilight the night before didn't I? Just for future reference, I HATE people talking during movies. And this includes little, constant comments, silly questions, and simply too much laughing. But we made up towards the end of the movie. I cried, and it wasn't due to the movie, but I think I would have cried if we didn't fight anyway. I really really like Jacob and felt so bad for him when Bella rejected him after Edward came back. I felt so bad for him, I almost hated Edward. But Edward's good looks saved him. But Jacob is sooooooooooo much hotter! And more romantic in a less pretentious kind of way. Sigh~



I love his bad boy looks. Hot gile. Hoho. But I guess this kind of guy would only fall for a girl like me in fairy tales.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

One More To Go

Wow.

I can't believe how fast time flies. Only one more semester to go! Feels like 8 semesters isn't very much. Hehe. But hey, it sure is enough! I can't wait to work and move on with my life. =)

The patient education exam this morning was easy peasy. Hahaha. 10 MCQs and 3 essays. The MCQs were a bit challenging for me cause it dealt with the new Bloom's taxanomy when I'm only familiar with the old one. I do recall vaguely of the time the lecturer showed us the new one but anyway, it was nothing too critical. Takde la semua tak tahu. The essays were fun cause it was more opinion-oriented, such as what would make an ideal lecturer, an ideal learning environment, and the student's perspective of learning. Just a bit of critical thinking and I was done in an hour and 15 minutes. Hehehe.

Okay, okay. I have to stop before I tempt fate to give me a C on patient education.

What's my plan like for today?

1. Get reserved tickets for New Moon during lunchtime.
2. Change money into pounds to pay my debt to Theresa and exchange my extra pounds into RM for some extra cash.
3. Clean up my room.
4. Get rid of unwanted notes.
5. Do my laundry.
6. Dress up for tonight.
7. Have a good time with my daling.
8. Do not lose temper over petty things.
9. Pack stuff to bring home tomorrow.

I am only going home for Raya tomorrow afternoon cause Raya Haji isn't really big on my family (never has been, don't know why) and I'm only coming home this weekend to help out my half-sister clean up her new house. And then I have to get back here next week to hand in my London trip report and financial report. Note to self : DO NOT FORGET TO BRING RECEIPTS AND SORT THEM OUT.

I have to get back from holidays about a week early to deal with my research proposal and then start research. I can imagine myself coming next semester with a car. Hehehehe! >=)

My college cat, Baby is pregnant like, again, twice in the same semester. She was pregnant when I was in London so I didn't get the chance to take care of her and then she went and delivered somewhere, came back to me all happy and bouncing but with no kittens in sight. I do not know what she did with the kittens, I suspect she abandoned them somewhere. And now, 3 weeks later, she is pregnant again. Her first pregnancy, last semester, ended badly when she lost the kittens, then I found 2 of them and reunited them but 2 weeks later, she took them out and left them somewhere. I still don't know what happened to the 2 kittens (Kecik and Hitam a.k.a Tammy). And dia tak de meroyan ke apa. Happy je tengok dia. Mata bersinar-sinar lagi.

This cat really needs contraception.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Haji and Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Inside of You

Just a few words from him and everything's okay again.

=)

I have been losing my temper with him a lot lately and I think he has valid reason to get mad at me. But he just goes and cool down and then call me up to talk things through. Hish, I am such a spoilt girlfriend. But I love him spoiling me. And I love him so much more for it.

=)

I just finished watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall for like, the 3rd time. I watched it because Asrul said he felt exactly the same way that Pete felt when I broke up with him last August. So I watched it again to see what he meant and I was like... wow. Terharu gila. But still, I couldn't get myself over my ego and call him to say I was sorry for acting like crap. I waited till he called me. But, I did say sorry in the end. After he said sorry. And then I said thank you for calling and putting up with me. Sigh...

I really love him for tolerating me. I don't think I can tolerate myself, but he takes it quite well.

Anyway, this is a song by Infant Sorrow, called Inside of You, from that movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I love the guy's voice and the music and the lyrics are just so damn romantic but it can get kinda sexual a bit towards the end but I like it anyway. The guy's voice is amazing.

So if you want to take a listen, go ahead but keep your mind open.



Tomorrow is my last exam paper. Phew~ And then it's off to see New Moon! Yay! We haven't spent some good quality time together for some time now and I am going to so dress up tomorrow..! <3

Marah. Sedih. Kecewa. Benci. Semua la ada!!

Tak cukup dengan exam yang macam haram, tambah pulak ngan gaduh dengan Asrul. Thank you. Best sungguh la rasanya hari ni!

Sebelum gaduh ngan Asrul tu ade nampak poster ceramah agama kat cafe. I don't remember the exact words but what it said went something like this

"Wanita yang paling anggun adalah yang mensyukuri sesuatu yang diberinya, bersabar apabila tidak mendapat apa-apa, dan apabila disuruh mentaatinya".

Okay. Bagus kalau anda begitu. Seriously, sangat bagus. Bila husband bagi something, sangat bersyukur. Kalau tak dapat apa-apa sabar je. And kalau disuruh buat apa-apa terus buat.

The thing is, I am not like that. I'm sorry but I am not like that and never will be. If you give me something I do not like, I will say thank you but I will never wear/use it. If you do not give me anything when you should (like my birthday or something), I will get mad. And if you ask me to do anything, I will ask for a reason. And there's a 70% chance that I will not do whatever it is you want me to do.

I am not a soft-spoken girl. I am hot-tempered and strong-headed. I follow my heart and then may regret things I say but not apologize to you because I have a huge ego. I expect you to tolerate my bad side but I will not tolerate yours.

Can you see what a terrible girlfriend I am?

Seriously, I am going through a really bad phase right now. Marah sangat. Kenapa la macam ni. Kenapa la dia tak faham.

But then again, I sendiri pun tak faham.

I want someone to dig me a hole and just let me hibernate until like, forever.

Byebye 4.00

Omg. Seriously the statistics exam this morning was bloody effing hard. Like, I can't even say the words to describe it. And there I was, thinking that we'll only be asked of the basics since we're not majoring in statistics. Let's take a look at the subject title one more time : Code? FFFJ 4014. Subject? BASIC statistics and research methodology. Did anyone see the word BASIC at the start of the title? BASIC okay. Effing BASIC.

Basic la sangat!!!

Here are some of the questions that made me pull my hair out :

-What are the 3 factors that influence the value of t in a t-test?
3 factors? a)Student yang tak tahu formula t-test. b)Student yang tak tahu t itu apa. Huruf t?? c)Student yang benci statistic dan tidak mahu menjawab soalan ini.

-Explain the statistics model.
Since when ada statistics model ni???

-What is the use of a regression model?
To menyusahkan my life.

-What is meant by the term error in regression?
Error sebab tak tahu pun regression ni untuk apa.

And that is just like, the final few questions. There was 40 MCQs before that and I am just SO glad I asked my dad to tutor me in the past two weeks. I think the MCQ was quite okay, thanks to my dad and the book he lent me. Like, half of what I read was asked in the MCQ. So thank God for that.

The 3 questions in the essay part was alright, at first. I was quite confident answering the first 2 and only 1 question (the factors that influence the bloody t) left my mouth hanging. The other questions about the regression crap was the 3rd question, which held 20 marks. I answered only one question, which was probably 5 marks. I even drew a graph for the only answer I knew, hoping it would make me seem less of an idiot.

When I was in matrics and up till last semester, I did not have high expectations for myself. As long as I got above 3.00 GPA, that would be fine for me. Which explains why I'm hardly ever disappointed by my results each sem, because my expectations are low. But then, 2 semesters ago, I scored my first 3.6 and since then, I have been anxious trying to score an average of above 3.5. And I was so glad when I topped the class at 3.88, something I did not expect to happen in a million years. My classmates are geniuses. I spend all day sleeping, playing games, and fooling around. It was a stroke of luck last semester.

But unfortunately, this led to my parents (and consequently, myself), to expect more for this semester and my final one next year. Oh gosh. The pressure is so damn hard on you when you've performed maximally. You always want to at least maintain the same level or achieve higher. If you don't, you'll feel so bad and people will think there's something wrong with you or something. Even if I score a 3.5 but lower than my last 3.88, it will disappoint me. And it will disappoint me because my parents will be disappointed. And so much more because my dad is a lecturer in statistics and I, his daughter, for crying out loud, will probably fail statistics.

This sem is crap. I tell you, nothing but CRAP. Sure, London was great and all that, but I think it only put more pressure on me to perform better. I am not used to being put under pressure. I usually blur out when my classmates study because I do not know what they are talking about and I'm fine with that because I just don't care. But now, I do care. I do care when someone's saying something I don't understand. I care when people have read things I haven't. And I have a theory about myself that I perform best without pressure or high expectations. Look at me this sem. I actually care.

Which is how I know my results will be so bad this semester.

="(

Thank God I have reserved tickets for New Moon tomorrow. That is the only thing in my future that I am looking forward to right now.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Russian Roulette

I was listening to Rihanna's song, which is the title of this post. At first I didn't get it. Was the song about a suicide pact? But after reading the comments below the lyrics of this song, I understood what it's about and it just made me so sad but somehow, strong at the same time.

Russian roulette is a sick, fatal game played with a revolver loaded with just one bullet. The barrel is then spun and then a group of people would take turns pointing the gun to their own head and taking the chance that they would get the bullet and die. I told you it was sick.

Anyway, Rihanna likened love to a game of Russian roulette. There would be moments when you were wronged and your heart would race madly. But since you play for keeps, you would simply take that chance and sometimes, the barrel would click, signifying that you'll stay in the relationship. Then you'd take a deep breath, smile, and maybe even laugh at your racing heart. But then there would be that one time when things get fatal, you take a chance, take a deep breath, put yourself out there and get shot down. She knows what she's singing about too, having that traumatic time of her life with Chris Brown.

And that made me think back to all those times Asrul would make me so heartbroken, I would cry myself to sleep. But even when I know it's a hopeless cause, I would put myself out there for him, so sincere and vulnerable, taking that chance. There were times when I was saved from that fatal bullet. But I think I was shot once. And that wound is still healing.

I especially love this part of the song

"You can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
Said I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger"


During the many times I put myself out there, I have no doubt at all that Asrul could see how I felt then. Sad, desperate, and just so damn sorry over what I did. But still there were times when he would cruelly hand me that gun. And I would still take that gun and take my chance, because that was all I could do. Because I was just so sure he was for keeps.

Even though we have both put down that gun trying to shoot each other up in a game of Russian roulette, there would still be times when we get mad at each other. Of course things aren't so good right now that we have actually stopped fighting. We still do argue and have misunderstandings. But the only difference now is that our hearts no longer race like before. And when I say "race", I mean the terrible, screaming matches we used to have, followed by crying and screaming of my own. My heart would race out of sadness, anger, and disappointment.

We no longer compete to win in arguments. We try to give and take. And sometimes, I think I do too much taking. Maybe he's the one playing Russian roulette all by himself now? Oh God, I really hope not.

I hope we're done with games. I do not want to get shot down and heartbroken all over again. This song has made me so sad thinking back of all those stupid fights we had. But it has also made me stronger. Because I can now see how we were back then, what it took to make us both change, and how good things are between us now and has been for some time.

I am so glad that we've left all that crap behind us.

I just hope it lasts.

Spending Money I Don't Have

I have rm120 this week. Rm20 goes to watching a movie this Thursday after exams (New Moon!!!) and the rest is my makan money. But since I am trying to put off some weight, I am deliberately starving myself. Besides, I just couldn't silence my heart's desire for this really really gorgeous dress.


Isn't it gorgeous?!! I mean the dress, not the girl. Btw, that is my senior back in Convent Kajang and I bought the dress through her blog. You can take a look at the gorgeous clothes she's selling at http://bubbletroubl3.blogspot.com/

I deposited the money today and will get the dress by this weekend. Gosh, I can't wait!! But, I have to get back down to my lean mean 55kg weight, which was before I went to London and sucked up all the fats. And then, I have to wait a bit more till January when I get my car. No way am I wearing this gorgeous number on Asrul's motorcycle. No offense daling.

=)

Today's the first day of exams and I guess it went okay but I totally under-budgeted my time and by the end of 2 hours, my writing looked like chicken scratch. I did not have time to review what I wrote and I bet there were so many careless mistakes, what with me rushing through the words like a madwoman. Heck, I didn't even have time to think, much less to review. It was all a photostat of my brain right out on paper and it wasn't pretty. I wish we got at least 3 hours. I mean come on, its a 5 credit subject for crying out loud. I don't think I'll score this sem and that's such a shame cause Mental Health is my best subject. I am doomed.

But I am so happy that I shopped..!

>=)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

My Life Would Suck Without You

Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
What you said before
Like how much you wanted anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are again

Cause we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You've got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues but you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out
I'm nothing without you

Cause we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You've got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you



Just Another Girl Phase

What is wrong with me. And that's not even a question, its a statement. Sangat bad mood lately. And mostly Asrul yang kena. I don't know why la. Tapi lately asyik bad mood ngan dia. We're usually teasing and laughing at one another but I don't know why lately, semua benda I terasa ngan dia. And then he will apologize like anything, even though he knows its not his fault.

I'm a spoilt girlfriend.

=(

Tomorrow is the first day of exams. Out of the whole 7 days of study week, I think I studied for like... 2 days? Haih..what is wrong with me.

Today my dad told me he played golf with the Dean. And he wants to invite him to the house some time. Omg. Segan la!!

My parents keep on talking about my future, and how my dad knows this person and that person. I know he just wants the best for me but I kinda want to do my own thing, my own way. I don't want to be successful just cause my dad "knows people". But of course, I don't dare say a thing to him. And today he said he hopes I can pull a 3.88 again like last sem. My heart sank right into my shoes. This sem sucks. I will not make it this sem. I will academically die this sem. And to have my parents hoping on me makes it so much worse to know.

I just want to sedate myself till I graduate.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I. HATE. CICAK!!!

Omg. I never thought this day would come. Again.

I was so happy today when Asrul called after work and asked me out for Roti Bom cause a)I'm dying from studying for 2 hours, b)I miss my daling whose handphone died of low battery, and c)I love Roti Bom!

So he picked me up and we went to our usual mamak where all the workers know us since we first started dating but have never given us a discount.

I ordered the usual Roti Bom with susu on the side and Milo Ais Tabur. He ordered ais kosong. No guesses whose the fatty here. And I just had KFC for lunch. Heeeee~

He was telling me about his day and I was telling him that I might have to go home this weekend when...

I felt something tug the edge of my shirt. At first I thought it was probably just the wind but on second thought, I turned around to just check.

I fully regret turning my head 45 degrees and looking down at the back of my shirt.

There. It. Was. Staring at me. With its head cocked on one side, it's pink body in full view. That's right. From its stupid little head to its long icky tail.

I snapped my head around, covered my face and started screaming. Asrul quickly reached over the table, pulled my hands from my face and asked me what's wrong. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just couldn't!!! Omg. Omg. Omg!!! I took a few deep breaths, shut my eyes real tight and whispered to him, "Cicak". He started laughing. I wanted to smack his head! He got up, went round to my side of the table and looked round my back. He said he couldn't find anything. I told him to keep looking and I don't care if he needs to feel me up. Just get rid of the damn thing!!

He patted me round the side of my waist, brushed my hair and then sat back down. But not before I realized everyone at the stupid mamak was looking at us. Pegi mampos. If you had a bug-eyed creepy crawly icky bastard down your back, you'd be screaming too.

After many reassurances from Asrul that it was gone, he started laughing and said he can't believe I'm scared of lizards. I don't care. I hate all cicaks and their UNrespective descendants. I think it would be a good idea to have a cicak hunting day and smash each one with a shoe. But I won't be joining you, I'd be snuggled up in my bed, door bolted and cracks on doors all stuffed.

One thing I really hate about cicaks, and I know this might sound crazy, but its as if it knows I'm terrified of them. This isn't my first time up close and personal with the damn thing. When I was about 13, I woke in the middle of the night all thirsty, so I went downstairs to get a cup of water when this STUPID, ICKY, bastard fell right on top of my head and crawled all the way into my dress and down my back and back out the floor.

Laugh all you want. That experience traumatised me so much, I never again went downstairs in the middle of the night.

When I came home after today's incident, I had Asrul check and recheck me 3 times before I let him go. I don't want to bring the icky bastard home and into my bed. And after the 3rd time of checking and patting me down, Asrul said we'd better stop having all those Roti Boms cause he could feel the weight on me.

!@#$^!%!%!@@^*!!!!!!

Even now, writing this post comfortably in my kolej living room, every wind blowing my hair, every sudden movement, makes me jump and think of the icky bastard. Hish..trauma betul la arini!!

I might not be very religious but there's one sunnah Nabi that I have been naturally born into : Sayang kucing and BENCI cicak.

Yes, we should be given pahala for killing cicaks.

I HATE CICAKS.

Sekian.

Getting down to work

I have spent 2 days playing My Tribe non-stop and one sleepless night waiting for my tribespeople to finish building a damn tower. I slept at 4 a.m. last night. And exams is in 6 days.

I need a slap on the face!!

Today I went to see my mental health lecturer for a bit of a discussion on what to expect for the exam. And omg. Bapak susa!! And only now has the full impact of the reality that the semi-average assignments I handed in last week had a wager of 70%.

I am so dead.

That's it. No more games. Go and study Khairatul Azwa!!!

And btw, about the past posts on "The Other Guy", I just want to say that I did not have an affair. I did not cheat on him. At least I don't think so. And I don't need your judgement, just your listening ear. Its the sort of situation where if you keep it in all to yourself for some time, you're bound to explode. And I didn't ask for any of the thoughts/feelings I had. They just happened. Some may say that I didn't even try to resist them, but God knows how hard I tried and kept having the "devil vs angel" feud in my head for weeks.

Anyway, just needed to have that cleared out.

I'm reading on OCD now and I must say, I do recognize some symptoms as my own. Haha. Nothing serious though, like for instance, having repetitive intrusive negative thoughts that produce anxiety. The only difference with me is that I don't act out to reduce the anxiety, thus concealing any obsessive-compulsive behavior. Which, according to Wikipedia, is normal.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

As you may notice, I'm currently writing more than usual. Which means I am BORED. I HATE studying. I wonder how my tribespeople are doing..? I haven't checked on them in like, 2 hours. I wonder if they've finished that tower. As soon as they're done, I'm gonna take them out on the Great Ark and search the horizon for another island just so I can start all over again.

Its a stupid game and I'm addicted.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Salvation

I am so glad That Guy is out of my mind. Once I saw him face to face, it was like, snap.

I completely realized how good I have it with Asrul.

No offense to That Guy, but he will never replace Asrul's place in my life. Not that I had any intentions to have him in my life as anything more than just someone I know, but I got pretty worried when I was constantly thinking of him.

But that's gone now. Thank God!

I think I just needed to see him once I got back from London. It's been such a long time. And that's as far as it goes for me and him.

Asrul is just being so cute, funny, and lovely in every way. I'm so lucky to have found him. I will risk being the ditzy blonde right now and say that "he might be The One". Hehe.

=)

I should really start studying. I am way too relaxed right now and then I know when the exams are near, I'll turn into this complete nervous wreck. Seriously, I'm amazed how I'm still ahead of the game right now. Some guardian angel I must have..!

I miss Ezzura. We haven't hung out in ages and some part of me is worried that by the time we do have time to spend together, we'll be totally different and awkward. I miss having the wild nights and long talks that end when the sun rises. Okay, so we haven't really had any "wild nights" out but it always is exciting whenever I'm with her.

Yuck, I sound so gay right there.

Anyway, I just don't want to be one of those people who are so dependent on their boyfriend and can't get back into the social world without the boyfriend on one arm. But yesterday me and Asrul went for a movie with his classmates and it was pretty awesome. I liked having other people to talk to for once but then also having him nearby to pull me out of an awkward situation or back me up when I get teased.

Oh, I almost forgot. Today is our 2 year anniversary! Haha. I guess we're so used to each other that it just slips by. Its okay, I don't mind not doing anything for our anniversary. Having him is a big enough blessing in my life. We did wish each other just now and all that romantic crap. I'm turning into a non-romantic girlfriend, how he did that to me is beyond me.

All I know is that I love him so so so so so much. And that I have to study my brains out for another week. Next semester is my last and I just can't wait to graduate! More importantly, I can't wait to work and earn money that I'll piss out on clothes. Topshop, here I come!

Before I forget, I might be getting a car next semester! Omg, x sabarnye!!!

I'm thinking of either a Persona or the new Kembara model. I kinda like having a small jeep. I want to tower over other little people on the road..! >=)

I am so happy right now. God, please make it last.

Mungkin aku pernah juga merasakan cinta
Tapi tak pernah seindah ini


<3

Friday, November 13, 2009

I will heal through what's left inside you

The title of this post is a line from a song I'm currently listening to. I'm having mixed feelings now that I'm not supposed to have cause life is near perfect right now, I should be thankful. Money would make it better but while I'm at it I might as well wish I'm king of the world right? Life is as perfect as I could expect it to be right now.

I'm ignoring some stupid fantasies I'm having. Get a hold of yourself la!

Anyway, this evening me and Asrul were hanging out at the mamak as usual, enjoying our new-found passion: Roti bom. Serious sedap! Berebut-rebut makan. Hehe. I don't know how we got to talking about it, but suddenly we were on the topic of my teenage years. Which are the most traumatic years of my life, I might add.

People who knew me back then would know what I'm talking about. The bullies, the backstabbers, the jerks taking advantage. I won't say that none of it was my fault. Maybe there was some things I could have avoided but being a stupid, stupid kid back then, I was just full of dreams and couldn't really see right from wrong. I'm saying this regarding the many boyfriends I had. Eventhough some of them were brief and probably won't even remember my name by now, at some point in my past, I really did care for some of them. And there were also those who I didn't really fancy but went along with them anyway due to pity and just tak sampai hati la nak cakap tak minat. Stupid kan I?

But the ones who really hurt me weren't the boys. Well, not really anyway. I'd say the bullies were the worst. And the ones who I thought were my friends but turned their back on me. They were the worst. They were so terrible, I had to change schools. The only people I knew back then were the bullies, the backstabbers, the friends who did nothing and slowly left me, and the friends who stuck by me but closed one eye when I was bullied. Could you really blame me for cutting school?

I don't know what is it about me that made me such an easy target. I don't think I was a loud, trouble-making teen. But you can never really evaluate yourself realistically back then now, can you? Going through my old diaries, I just want to go back to that time and shake myself. To tell myself to ignore those stupid, sad bitches and to leave the guys who never deserved me in the first place.

I still remember the things they said, the looks on their faces. Some used to be one of my best friends.

So many mistakes. So hurtful to look back on them. And things at home back then didn't make it any easier.

I told Asrul everything today. I mean, he knows I was bullied when I was a kid but he's never heard the whole story. By the end of it, he said he understands why I hated school and wished he knew me back then so he could protect me.

I'm glad how things worked out, though. I think I've been so lucky. And the future clearly shows that God is fair. I'm way better off than those bullies now and I'm finally happy.

Years have passed and I think that experience has really made me a stronger person. I don't take crap from no one. And I trust no one. I know it sounds bitter but I just don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

I know he can do nothing about my past but I felt so much better after telling Asrul all of this. How supportive he is of me and how he still managed to make me laugh by the end of it.

Things aren't perfect between us. It can be at times but I just don't want to fully believe it. But whatever happens, I will always remember how he tried to heal me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Heroes and Heroines

It is 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Unsurprisingly, I can't do my assignments either. But no, this time it's not because I'm a lazy ass but simply because I left all my psychiatric notes and books back home cause they were too heavy to bring with me and I thought I'd get them back over the weekend. And then silly me promised my mental health assignments by the end of this week. I'm so stupid.

Anyway, I'm sorry to nauseate you with my happy, chocolate-dripping, sickly sweet Facebook status lately. I am just so happy. Again, I am not hoping that it'll last forever because one can only be realistic and come back to the earth where guys are jerks at times and girls have to forgive and forget, right? Right.

So as usual, I do not have anything better to say other than about my boyfriend. I am sick of assignments, I don't wanna study for the upcoming exams, and I know this time I'll flunk real bad cause Statistics and Research hates me. So excuse me for wanting to reflect on my boyfriend who is becoming oh so perfect lately.

We are seeing each other every day now. About 3 times a day actually. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I love it that he's so close to me right now. =)

So we were having dinner just now and I was telling him how, in London, I had such a hard time filling up forms because they would always ask for my first and last name. I'm like, GET REAL. Not everyone has first and last names. Asians certainly don't. And England, especially London, is just filled to the brim with Asians, you'd think they'd amended that bit about first and last names. What's wrong with just asking for my full name, huh?

And people there would have me repeat my name 3 - 4 times before they'd really catch on my name and say it right. So, I said to Asrul, to make things easier, we should probably have English nicknames thought up before we go there together. So what kind of English nickname would he like? I suggested Steven (as in Steven Gerrard) and he laughed and said it sounded like a Chinese boss he had some time ago and then he laughed again and said what about Fernando? As in Fernando Torres. Ferry for short.

We were laughing and then he said no, what about I'll be Clark and you'll be Lois? Sounds familiar? Berani mamat ni perasan superman! Hahahahaa! And then we went on naming all the heroes and heroines we could think of: Peter and Mary-Jane, Shrek and Fiona, and then when we came to Batman... who is the heroine for Batman? Seems like he doesn't have a heroine. He does have Robin, though. Does that make him gay then? Haha. So another famous couple would be Batman and Robin. He'll be Robin, I'll be Batman.

After all the stress of assignments and not knowing a thing about my studies and refusing to study, it was just soooooooooo good to laugh my heart out with him. =)

When I got back, he returned the book I gave to him. This is a note book I wrote in for him, something like a goodbye letter before I took off to London. He's been writing in it for the whole 7 weeks I was away. At first he wrote everyday for like, the first week. And then it was once every 2 days. And then once a week. And the date difference between the last letter and the one before it was like, a week? Haha. It's alright daling. I know you can't write everyday.

What really caught my heart was the things he said in those letters, things he has never even told me before. His feelings and problems while I was gone. I felt so loved that it was almost heartbreaking.

I don't know why, but I have become sort of like a commitment-phobic ever since that one time I broke up with him. I still have this nagging voice at the back of my head saying "it will never last". I just don't know how to silence that voice. I love him, but at the same time I have all these fears and a need to be on my own at times but I also want him to stick with me because that small voice is also whispering "I need you". It's just so confusing. Maybe I just need time on my own now and then. And also, somewhere, somehow, I find the thought of ONE man for the rest of my life kinda scary. I mean, how do you know that's the right one? What if you choose wrong? What if you commit and then someone better (a.k.a hotter) comes along?

What I think right now is this.

I am not with him for his money, status, good looks, charm, or future. One could even argue if he has any of the things I just mentioned. But I am with him because he knows me inside out. Because he has taken my crappy days and still made me look good by the end of it. Because he is my best friend.

Maybe other guys would come along and I'd be tempted by their good looks/money/status/charm but if they can't compare with the level of understanding that Asrul has over me, then I'll know where I belong.

So after reading all his letters, I closed that book, closed my eyes, and told that nagging voice in my head to just shut the eff up..!

I am committing myself to him, my future to him and I am ready to take the plunge that will perhaps make me lose everything or gain everything that I've wanted ever since I was 6 and watched fairy tales that made me believe in a happily ever after.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Pause For Thought

I have a little secret that I'm ready to share with the world.

I am a romantic freak. I am so freaky that I have a book of self-written poems. This is before Asrul converted me to the farting, laugh-out-loud, fist bumping, care free girlfriend that I am now.

So about this book of poems, I actually have two of them and only Ezzura knows of their existence. It's actually just a school note book with the words "Pause For Thought" and "Pause For Thought II" written on the front. See. I was such a stupid romantic teen that I needed two books to unload my unrealistic fantasies. But they were a good outlet for me to express my bottled up feelings due to having idiot boyfriends. My teenage years weren't kind to me.

So anyway, being the grown up that I am supposed to be today, I am now ready to share my poems with the world. I used to call Ezzura up back then whenever I've completed a poem and read them to her and she used to tell me how awesome they were. She was probably lying but thanks a bunch anyway weh!

Looking back, I think some of them were pretty good too. Here's one I wrote for a younger guy I had a crush on when I was 16. It was a momentary crush but I'd like to think that the stars back then were already rearranging themselves to form the fate that I am trapped in today -- being in love with a younger guy.

You are my sun
that always shines
just a glimpse of you
can make me smile.

You shine so bright
and keep me so warm
no matter how rainy it is
to me, there is no storm.

And just like the sun
I dare not go near
I'm just a dust particle
in your perfect atmosphere.

Even at night
you are the brightest star
forming constellations
wherever you are.

I am the farthest planet
in your beautiful galaxy
hoping one day
your rays will shine on me.

Until that day
you will remain my sun
the one that always shines
the one that makes me smile.


I should really start writing again. But what I've realized is that it's kinda hard to be creative when you're so happy. I need a broken heart to spur my muse into action. Not that I'm asking for anything to happen.

Oh look at me. Typing away 200 words when I can't even get 100 words out on my literature review. If all else fails, I know ONE thing for sure : I HATE RESEARCH.

Okay, back to work!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

London Life

Right now it's Saturday, 2.15 a.m.

I've never stayed up so late here in London, I'm usually out by 9.30 p.m. Probably because I'm up by 5 a.m, 4 a.m. if Asrul is online on Mondays and Thursdays. The days here are still long but it seems that the sun sets early nowadays and there's really nothing to do at night anyway.

To sum up my life here so far, it's been really routine. Work from Monday to Friday (8 a.m. till 5 p.m. but me and Zul will always leave by 4 p.m, at the very latest) and then weekends so far, we haven't gone touring yet cause we're so busy meeting up with relatives, lecturers, and other Malaysians. But not to worry, we still have another 5 weeks, we should be able to jalan-jalan a whole weekend or two. Hehe.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the system here, to understand the care of a patient. It's so complicated. There's housing matters, financial matters, family arrangements for the patients, carer's assessments, etc, etc. Basically, a community psychiatric nurse makes sure that all aspects of the patient's life is taken care of. And I don't understand crap when they go on and on about legislation and the Mental Health Act. And no, I'm too damn lazy to read. Penat la. Siang pegi keje, mlm tdo. What else is there to do? Free time is spent calling family and my other half who I miss so much, it's painful sometimes. It's gotten to a point where I would miss him so much, my mood dips so low that Zul takes one look at my face and knows it's not a good time to talk to me. Hehe. Ala, die pon same jugak. Mood masing-masing sangat affected bila dah rindu. But what can we do, right? Sigh.

Anyway, the weather here is really unpredictable. There was this one morning, it was so freezing cold that air would vaporize when we spoke. So I put on my long coat and a pair of boots but when noon came around, it was so bright and sunny, it felt like Malaysia at night or after a good rain. And then people at work would ask why am I in boots since it's such a hot day. Crap kan?

Mostly, I miss the nightlife in Malaysia. Not that I've ever been to any wild night parties but at least at night boleh hang out lama-lama with friends kat kedai mamak buat lawak-lawak bodoh kan. But here? Shops close at 5 p.m. and only bars are open at night. And semua bars tu cam penuh ngan mat salleh tua-tua. Tapi kalau muda pon, I nak watpe je masuk kan? Kalo ade milo ais tak pe jugak. This one time, me and Zul got ready after maghrib to go to a carnival at a park nearby and we got there around 8.30 p.m, and by Malaysian standards, a carnival would just only have started right? Wrong. Turns out they close at 9 p.m. So we got there just in time to see all the rides shut down. Sempat la jugak amik gambar sikit-sikit tapi cam sengal jugak la, semua orang sibuk tutup kedai, kitorg bukan main excited lagi ambil gambar. Macam bongok kan? Lepas amik gambar sikit, terus balik makan jeli kat umah. Tu je nightlife kami. Bosan betul.

Career-wise, yes, I am thinking of a future here. Me and Asrul have talked about it and we plan to come work here after he's done with a degree, so that's about 3 or 4 years down the road. Of course, we would have to be married by then and as you all probably know, I'm not too confident about that (because I'm afraid of getting my hopes up just to be bashed and broken) but anyway, we can only plan and God will decide, right? Or something along those lines la. Well, I really want to work here and get a midwifery masters here, mostly because I want my kids to grow up here. I love the education system here and I think kids here have a great time, what with all the toys and parks you can't get in Malaysia. The parks here are lovely and literally everywhere. Such a wonderful place to grow up in. But then again, when I look at the teens here, I shudder to think of my kid being like that. They're noisy, rude, and downright shameless at times. But I guess most teens in Malaysia are about the same, huh? Maybe it's part of the growing up stage, I dunno.

Being here in this country makes me miss Asrul so much cause I keep thinking of all the things we could do here. Of course, its not Paris but it's still so romantic. We could take a walk by the River Thames, have fish and chips by the sea, take walks and feed ducks in the park, sunbathe on the balcony, keep each other warm on cold, cold days and really just shameless PDA. Haha.

Ezzura said that when I get back to Malaysia, I'm going to miss London and I guess she's right. But I guess that's because back home, I'd have everyone I love around me and then all I need to complete the picture would be the environment -- London. Here in London, it's made me realize that I would not trade the people I love for anything in the world. Because in the end, all that matters is the people that matter to you and not money or other material things the world has to offer.

Really, if I was given the choice right now to choose to be anywhere in the world, I would really want to be in Malaysia. More specifically, by Asrul's side. Hehe. So I guess it's true what they say. Home is really where the heart is.

Oh if only I could stuff all the people I love in my pocket and bring them with me to this beautiful, exotic country.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I love you the mostest.

Today is the last time we're seeing each other before I leave for London. 7 whole weeks without him. 51 days without that smiling face. I'm going to live through it all but it isn't going to be easy for either of us.

It's been a roller coaster ride with him and sometimes, one of us would get sick and demand a break from all the drama. But we'd always gain perspective and miss one another so much that you just have to get back on that ride. I thought it was all over (really) two weeks ago and right now, I am just so glad that I had the guts to jump headfirst into this world all over again. So glad that he had the patience and courage to convince me. I don't know how long this little "honeymoon" will last but frankly, I just don't care and am too happy living in the moment.

We made little "rituals" before we bade farewell, including writing letters to each other that we'll read when I'm in London and he gave me a bunch of songs that he says remind him of me. I'm most touched by one of the songs, D'masiv's Merindukanmu. I know lately I'm always talking about songs and lyrics but I'm gonna say it anyway. The lyrics that touch me the most is this

Selama aku masih bisa bernafas, masih sanggup berjalan
Ku kan selalu memuja mu


I've waited all my life for someone to love me like this and now its scaring the hell out of me that I might lose him since we're so young. I don't really believe in long-term relationships, unless you're mature enough to truly commit. I just don't know where I am on that. All that I know are my feelings for him. The uncertain future scares me, what with the promise of heartbreak and all. I just hope he will be worth it.

He's been saying so many things about how he feels, how he will feel when I'm gone. And I think, mostly I just look at him and smile, not knowing what to say. I guess I've just been raised not to be so expressive with my emotions. I write most of my feelings down and that died down when I got too lazy to keep a diary.

He just asked me what my blog address is. So I know he'll be reading this when he's online.

You are the best I've ever had, my dear. And you can be so sure with all your heart that I will miss you the very same way you'll miss me. Seven weeks will blow by without you even noticing. Don't be too sad okay? I'll be back soon to "menyusahkan" you in every way. =)

I can't wait for the future. To spend more of my life with him. Love is life's greatest gift. And if you've never been in love, then you're alive but not living.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Look After You by The Fray

I love this song.

If I don't say this now, I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I wanna take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you be the one I'll always know?
When I'm losing my control the city spins around
You're the only one who knows you slow it down

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
I'll look after you and I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love, she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says "most assuredly"

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
I'll look after you, after you
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home, yeah
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby


If anyone dedicated this song to me, I think I would cry.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Missing Star

The break up was inevitable. I'd hate to go through the details but the bottom line is that it was mutual. And after all the fights we've been having for 2 years everytime one of us wanted to leave, this time not even a word was said. I just got off his motorcycle, handed him his handphone and helmet that I've been using, and walked off. He must have understood what I meant. Cause he didn't call or text me later that night. I did say I wanted to be just friends, that I'm in no position for any commitment right now and he said he felt the same way. So that's that.

Of course you can't help missing the person you've been so close with for 2 years. The one person I always run to when I have any problems. The person that made me feel so warm inside everytime I looked into his eyes. But I have to accept the reality. If he was meant for me, my feelings wouldn't have died. I mean, the feelings didn't really die but it changed direction. I started to love him differently. And on the day we broke up, he showed me that I can't change him, no matter how hard I tried to believe that I did.

No, I didn't cry buckets. So far, I've cried once and it didn't even last 5 minutes. I started talking to Sue and then we started laughing over so many things. What would I do without you, Sue?

Everyday, I fight the urge to text him. Okay, so it hasn't been many days. It's been only two days. But this time, I know we've broken up for real. Eventhough he woke me up for sahur this morning, I know he only did it out of habit. And I know, if I text him, I'm only doing it out of habit too. No matter how much I care about him, I have to keep it in so it'll be easier for him to move on. It'll be more conflicting to break up and then say I still love him, right? So I guess this is for his own good.

I'll be leaving for London in less than 2 weeks and maybe this will help him get over me faster. And me over him. I wouldn't want him to miss me too much cause I know I can never miss him the same way, no matter how much I love him. Feelings change but they stay complicated. I can never really verbalize how I feel about him. But one thing's for sure : He's special and will always stay that way.

There's a song by Yuna, it's called missing star. It's not much of a song cause its only 2 minutes long but it reminds me of him so much.

I can never really tell you why
I've been missing you a lot
And I just have to take another look of your photo in my wallet
And there's no reason why I keep your t-shirt by my side when I sleep
Pretending you were never really gone

Its like a missing star that always ends up in your sky
Its like the rainbow never comes after the rain
Its like the sun never rises in every of your morning
How am I supposed to live without those things
They are all you



The part that reminds me the most about him is not the part about missing someone so much. But it's the final sentence. He is everything in my life. That is how used I am to him. He is just that familiar. And to be without him, it feels awkward. Like learning how to walk again.

I'm surprised at how good I'm getting on so far. I miss him but the feeling's manageable. Everytime I feel like texting him, I tell myself it wouldn't be good for him. Because I know I want to be single. I know I want no commitment for some time after this. But him... only last week he told me how much he would miss me if I were gone. So I have to be strong for him.

Eventhough it's hard sometimes. But I'm sure, he will find someone so much better than me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

To My White Compaq


Dear Laptop,
I don't know why you are doing this to me but I can tell you right now that it freakin sucks and you're giving me a massive headache. Maybe you haven't noticed but you keep hanging on me when I'm doing important things like updating the APNSC program. And then there is nothing I can do but to shut your power and turning you on again. Luckily for you, Microsoft Words was kind enough to save my document so I didn't need to break you into pieces to teach you a lesson.

Maybe you're mad at me for leaving you to that stupid Pakistani man at Low Yat on Saturday to have you reformatted and to upgrade your RAM. I know it might have been traumatic for you since I have only sent you for a reformat once to my soon-to-be brother-in-law. I'm sorry I left you in the hands of an idiotic, sweet talking asshole who gave a good price but then, somehow, screwed up your DVD drive and I had to send you there again the next day. But you see, when the stupid man insisted that your DVD drive was already not functioning when I gave it to him, I screamed at him until he fixed you up just right. And even though Asrul was pissed at me for making a scene, I think it was all worth it to have your DVD drive back to normal, wasn't it? Besides, nobody cheats me!!

But then on Sunday, you decided to screw me over again when your graphics card malfunctioned. You gave me a scare all right, what with your display like a smashed up laptop! And being the nice mommy I am, I took you back to the MidValley outlet where I bought you 3 years ago and the nice man at the shop fixed you in 15 minutes with no charge at all.

Haven't I proven to be a good owner to you? I've even bought you a new cleaning kit, headphones, and an original Bitdefender antivirus to protect you from your "multiple partners" a.k.a pendrives.

So why, oh why, my dear white lappie, do you keep displaying "System Error - Duplicate name exists on network" and keep hanging and won't change your desktop background colour and sometimes make your taskbar dissapear?

What wrong have I done to you to deserve this? Was it because I joked about throwing you out the window when you were so effing slow? Is it because I keep fantasizing about buying a Sony Vaio?

Whatever the reason is, please. PLEASE. Please be okay after I send you for yet another reformat this weekend. This time, I'll send you to the regular soon-to-be brother-in-law, okay? I PROMISE I will never again leave you in the hands of strangers. So please don't be mad at me. Even though you are slow at times and you're covered in scratches and your "B" key falls off sometimes, you're still my one, only and first laptop and I still think you're pretty even after I spilt Ovaltine on you once. I cleaned you up quite good, didn't I?

I FORBID YOU TO MALFUNCTION DURING MY RESEARCH. I LOVE YOU.

Your Mommy,
Azwa.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Last day of holidays



At last. I won the year-old arguement and dapat g zoo!! Hehe. Puas ati. So we started the day with breakfast around 10.30 a.m. and reached the zoo in the afternoon. What I've always loved most at the zoo are the elephants, deer, and tigers. Yeah, the tigers are really boring to look at cause they sleep through the day as they're up all night but I've just always loved cats and I don't care how dangerous they look, I still think they're kitties to me! Hehe.

I fed the elephants once (I was a bit put off that they were out of reach) and the deers twice. I loved feeding the deers the most cause you could just reach down and pet them.

Btw, here are some photos and videos tapi sikit je coz my digi cam xde battery plak! So pissed off!! So old skool pakai camera phone je la. So x berapa teruja nk amik gmba. Huhhhh =(







video

So that's one video, there's another one I'll be uploading on Facebook. Ala, pasal feeding deers jugak. Just the second time after we've made the whole round in the zoo. We saw all the animals except the aquarium, seal lions, and penguins! I was so dissappointed after we've made the whole round and I realized we missed some! After I was so careful at looking at the zoo map to make sure we didn't miss any! I guess we were tired and kaki melecet sume.

Oh, and I found out something new bout him today. I've always known that he's a cat lover (like me) so I assumed he's also an animal lover (like me) but... he wouldn't go near any of the animals! I, kambing pon nk pegang! If the tigers weren't so far in captivity, I would've wanted to touch them too! But him..? He was so afraid the deers would bite me! Like, come on la.. They're freaking herbivors! The only animal he touched was the pony and tu pon after I persuade brape kali and when he first touched it, he pulled back quickly and then baru berani pegang betul2..haha! He's so cute la, I just wanna bite him!

But I guess it goes with his "careful" personality. He's the most unadventurous person in the world, trust me.

Best wooo dating kat zoo. I recommend it! =)

We left the zoo around 4 p.m. and headed to midvalley plak for the pet show going on. Hehe. Told you I'm an animal lover. Suke gileeeerrrr.

Cats cats cats. EVERYWHERE. Omg, I sangat rindu nak peluk kucing! I miss my Teddy so much! =( Actually I already went to the exhibition yesterday but I so wanted to show Asrul the cats (cause we wanna get a cat together when I have my own place next year) and today ada cat show competition plak. Haish. I so teruja! =)


This is an American Shorthair. Some people may confuse it with the Bengal but the coat pattern is quite different taw.


Ni plak, as everyone knows, is the pure Persian. Kalo mix Persian, the cat won't have a flat face (which I don't particularly find appealing but I love the kitty anyway).


I wanna get a kitten!! I love long haired ones but I actually want a semi-long cause malas nak jaga. Hehe. Btw, teddy looked sort of like this when I first got him, except he was slightly bigger (he was 3 months old).


Sayang ini kucing! Manyak besar woooo!

But wait.. There were dogs too! I actually like dogs and if it wasn't for the fact that they are haram, I would've had a dog of my own. It's so fun to dress them up and walk them on a leash. How many cats would submit to that, eh?




This is the first time I've ever seen such a HUGE St Bernard!!





Okay2, panjang sangat plak this post. For more pics, look up my Fb k? =)

What I'm dying to tell you is I shopped today! Haha. We had dinner at Oasis, Midvalley (portugese grilled fish, sedap! Dah lame x makan).

And then I managed to persuade him to teman me shopping at MNG. Psssstt. We've been together 2 years and this is the first time he's ever shopped with me. He hates the waiting and choosing and usually sits outside and texts me, pestering me to hurry up. So I really appreciated him teman-ing me today and not complaining a single bit at my indecisiveness and queue yang panjang gile nak gi changing room.

=)

When we got there, he pointed out they were having a 70% sale and I just flipped! Lari2 masuk dalam, pandang kiri kanan, aik? Mana boyfriend ni? Haaa tu dia terkedek2 baru nak datang. Hehe.

Needless to say, the place was packed. Line nak gi changing room panjang gile. But what the heck. I wanna shop!!

I found this really gorgeous blue dress and when I saw the price, I could've shot myself if I didn't buy it. It was only Rm 59!! But Asrul took one look at the revealing top and selected for me a white dress.

Okay, I already have a white dress but he doesn't like me to wear it cause it ends at my thighs and even though I liked the white dress he picked out for me, I have to say, it looks kinda good-little-church-girl.

And it cost Rm 90.

The price didn't bother me much cause my budget was Rm 200 and I could've bought both dresses but Asrul told me to pick just one.

I know it's MY money and MY choice but I listen to him most times. He's the voice of sense when I've got none cause I'm blinded by shopping hormones. And he reminded me I wanted to buy this white Guess bag I saw the other day.

Sigh~

Decisions, decisions.

So, I adored this dress



But I bought this dress


I guess it's not so bad kan? And it'll still go well with the blue Nose heels I bought yesterday. Oh, I also bought an MNG t-shirt. Hehe! Mati kekeringan lepas ni. Anyway, I bought the white dress cause Asrul said he "tak galakkan" I pakai the blue one whenever we go out cause it's too revealing. Aiyok. I nak keluar ngan sape lagi pakai dress kan? Ngan friends tak de makna I nak pakai dress. So I bought the white one cause he liked it. So sad. Tapi okay la. Shopping hormones all cured.

So that's what I did on the last day of semester break. I'm already cringing at the thought of studies, conference, and the accompanying headache.

=(

Tapi...

Nak jiwang jap..


I sayang you manyak2!!! Bile mau kawen??