Friday, January 29, 2010

After All, You Are My Love

It isn't easy, to find someone who would stick by you, through the good and the bad. And I am so lucky to have him. He, who still loves me at times when I don't even like myself. Who can take a deep breath, close his eyes, and lay his hand upon mine when I am throwing a tantrum. Who then makes this fire in me turn ice blue and then put out cold.

2 years, 3 months, and 1 week, it's been since we first got together. 3 years and 5 months since I knew him. He has seen me at my very worst, when I am ashamed at being in my own skin, and also at my very best, when my parents hold me up like a shining star; and he has kept me strong and smiling through all of those times.

He has had some tough times too, and even though I may seem like a pain in the ass at those times, have no doubt my dear, that my heart is no where as harsh as my words and you know, don't you, that no matter what, I always come right back at you because I am a part of you indefinitely.

We have had so much (too much) hardship but also an equal amount of laughter. More recently, we've had to work that much harder in our relationship, to keep the glue holding us together tight and strong. And honestly, I've been a horror in the past month or so. I've been feeling extremely unstable and stressed out, for many different reasons (both unintentional and self-induced). But I believe there is a reason for everything and yes, I do see him in a different light now. He is so patient sometimes, I am amazed.

What I'm trying to say is, we've been through so much, the ups and downs, the bitter and sweet, and the phase where everything seems bland and numbing, but in the end, after all that, you are my love. The love who accepts me like no one else can, the one who I must try to be a better person for.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Monday, January 18, 2010

He's Worth Having

Okay, so we have broken up and gotten back together. Yet again. We thought we were doing the mature thing but then I guess we couldn't stand even a day apart, what with being used to seeing each other everyday.

But there were many things I learnt during just that one day apart. How much I love him and how his absence can make daydreams about anyone else just erased with a snap. And so I realized I don't ever want anyone else but him.

Again we had that "mature discussion", just like when we decided to break up, and we came up with ways on how we're gonna make this happen and what we've learnt from all of this. No kidding, this really is the most mature and meaningful relationship I've ever had, I can actually see us both growing mentally and emotionally as compared to when we first met 3 years ago.

No matter what happens, whether we're meant to be or not, I want to know that I've done all I can to save us from separation. Because he has come to mean everything to me.

Okay, let's pause in the romance department. What about everything else in my life? Class is going well, I only have one more week of classes to go next week and then it's clinical posting all the way. 2 weeks will be spent at some gerontology (elderly patients) hospital in Shah Alam. At first I was thrilled at being posted at Shah Alam cause that's where he is but then again I don't think I'll have the time and I'm going there by bus anyway; I am not going to waste my petrol on a daily commute all the way to Shah effing Alam. I felt let down a little bit when I realized I wouldn't be seeing him as often when clinical starts, but then I think it's a blessing in disguise. I do not want him seeing me in my nurse uniform. Some people may think it's cute, but I think it's just plain dorky and the compulsory up-do ruins my straight hair.

God, if I ever get to be some top dog, the first thing I'm getting rid of are the nurses' uniforms. Who likes ironing everyday anyway?

Anyway, I just paid all the university's fees today, and I mean all, including graduation dinner costs and all. And then I had to trouble my dear to take me to Lowyat so I could get a new laptop charger which blew last night cause it was too hot or got struck by lightning or something.

All in all, I spent a good Rm1000 today. And that is the very last of my study loan. To top it all off, when I visited my favorite fashion blog last night, I saw this dress that is just to die for.

It costs only Rm49 and I can't even afford that. Pathetic kan? Plus, I have a pink peacock hairband and a bangle that would go perfectly with this dress.

Tolonglah belikan baju ini untuk saya. Anggaplah early birthday present untuk saya. Atau pun sedekah buat orang miskin. Tolonglah. Saya doakan Tuhan merahmati awak!

Sob sob.

I have tonnes of work to do but I am so addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. Yeah, yeah, I know it's not a new game, but I've just discovered it so it's new to me. Might as well play now before my research gets approval and I'll have to start working my ass off.

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Satellite Heart

So pretty, so smart
What a waste of a young heart
What a pity, what a sham
What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it's wrong, can't you get it right?
Out of mind and outta sight
Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys
Put a lid on all that noise

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene
You know I haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing I see

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you

I'm a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I'm spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I'll be true to you
No matter what you do
Yeah I'll be true to you

It's amazing how you want something back once it's gone. How you love it so much more when it's out of reach. No, it's not amazing. It just plain SUCKS.

I'm so stupid.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Wedding Fever & The Future Spinster

Wedding photos and announcements are just flooding my Facebook. So many of my friends, who are mostly just a year older than me, have tied the knot. Some of my seniors are married, one is pregnant.

I'm very happy for them. I wish them all the luck in the world. In fact, I feel a twinge of envy in my gut.

Because I don't think I will ever get there. I am bride material, I love getting dressed up and being the center of attention, taking photos in loving poses, and going on the honeymoon with the man I love. It's just that, I don't think I can deal with marriage. Being the wife, taking care of the husband and the household. I just can't find that in me.

What is a wife expected to do?

I can cook just fine. In fact, during the holidays when I was at home, I did most of the cooking. I know quite a few dishes and I love baking. So that's not a problem. What about staying home after work and weekends? Well, I know wives aren't expected to stay home but of course, even if you do go out, it would be with your husband, right? I want girl's night outs. I want to spend all day and most probably all night out and then maybe I'll sleep with the husband and spend the next morning snuggling. And I expect him to serve me breakfast in bed. I sure as hell am not going to wake up earlier than him the next morning and serving him his breakfast. At best, I can go to a McDonald's drive-thru and bring home some breakfast or we can both have breakfast outside.

I don't clean. Ask my house mates, how many times have they seen me cleaning up my room? I mostly clean only when I'm going to be away for a long time, like just before the holidays or a class trip that's gonna take me 3 days. And not only that, I hate housework. I despise ironing, folding clothes, hanging out the laundry. I only do this during desperate times, like when I have no clothes to wear or the laundry's piling up so much that my cat wants to sleep in it. And my allergy to dust doesn't help one bit. Oh, it does help when I'm looking for excuses to avoid dusting and cleaning.

See. How can I ever be someone's wife? I'm not a homebody, I hate housework, and I rarely ever clean. At best, I can cook and cuddle. I can look after my kids, but I also expect the work to be 50-50. I'm rebellious, I don't follow orders.

And being in my early twenties, relatives and friends of my parents are asking me that dreaded question: "Bila nak kahwin?"

Thankfully, my aunties and the rest of my relatives, especially my mum, really don't want me to get married too early. They think late twenties is the best time to get married. My aunties say I'm so pretty, don't waste your youth, don't get tied down too early, blah blah blah. But of course, I'm their flesh and blood, they're bound to say I'm pretty anyway.

I'm so messed up right now. I just don't know where to go, which path to choose. Single, not single?

I have this huge fear in me, that is only next to my fear of death. I think I'm going to be a spinster. I'm going to die cold and alone. I don't think there's a soul mate for me. Even if he does exist, he's probably long gone cause I've had about a tonne of boyfriends and not one of them is right for me.

I've had enough. I think, if I choose to be single, I'd want to stay single for at least 6 months. I need to do some soul-searching. Yes, I know some of you may scoff and say "yeah, right" but yes, I do mean it this time.

Like I said. I've had enough.

Cukup sudah
Kesedihan merenggut hariku
Hentikan sesak di dadaku
Lepaskan aku demi cinta
Ku yakin semua kan berlalu

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Romantic Monster In Me

Here's really what I've been feeling lately. All that "hormonal" talk in my last post and the reason why I have not written for some time now.

We have been together for 2 years and 3 months now. I know for some people, that may seem like nothing. But to me, I have never been in a relationship that long, so it is quite a big deal to me. We have learnt many things from one another and it is with him that I truly show myself, ugliness and all.

But as with most long-term relationships, you tend to fall into a rut. You get so comfortable with one another, see each other everyday, laugh till milk snorts up your nose, fart at lunch, that in the end, you give up that effort to woo the other person and in turn, stop being wooed at too.

For those who have been loyally following my blog, you would've noticed me saying a while ago that Asrul successfully converted me from a hopeless romantic to a carefree girlfriend. But now I know that you can't just give up life-long fantasies with a snap. I still want all that romance. That tingly, heart-skipping-beats feeling when you see someone. That tongue-tied experience. It may come as a relief, at first, when you get to stop all the courtesies of wooing someone, but after awhile, I am craving for that feeling that the early phases of love offers.

I can't pretend anymore. I want candlelight dinners. I want roses and chocolates. I want late nights out at the highest point of the city. I want to find little love notes tucked into an unexpected page of my book. I want him to tell me of a love song that reminds him of me.

I want all that, and more.

To be fair, I am expecting an awful lot from him. We are two people, existing on completely two opposite ends of a pole. I'm impulsive, he's deliberate. I'm outspoken, he'd rather keep his opinions to himself. I demand attention, he would rather go unnoticed. You get the drift.

At first, I tried to think positively. I believe God created everything in pairs and He made these pairs as opposites. Male, female. One soft and emotional, the other hard and inexpressive. Sky and earth. One high up, the other way below. Things like that. So it made sense that my soul mate would be my opposite. But then I realized something. To make opposites work, there has to be some common ground, right? So what is our common ground?

I haven't found it yet.

Out of all my rantings and reasons, I will have to stress one point more than the rest. None of this means that I don't love him. I love him so much. So very much. We've been through a lot together and he's held me through some tough times. Which moron would ever say that he/she not love someone who's been there for you, know what you do and where you go and how you feel for the past 27 months?

Of course I love him. So much. That is why I do not want this love to just die and wither away. It may not happen with him, because he loves the comfort zone so much, while I love the adrenalin rush. This is why it's so difficult for me to make him see what a big problem this is to me. Not only do I see this as grounds to end a relationship, but I'm also fearful of the emerging possibility that I can't commit. Ironic, isn't it, to have been a hopeless romantic your whole life, searching for The One, and just when you feel like you've found just the right one, it turns out that you love the chase more than the actual capture.

Not a fan of irony.

I have spent the whole night Googling "how to keep romance alive". Gosh, I'm not even married yet and I'm already looking this up. I feel like such an old hag/loser/desperate. But what the heck. I am trying my very best to awaken the romantic, unsettling feelings I once had for him. The feelings that have settled and are still stuck there but leaving me craving for more.

I'm 22. I am not ready to give up my life at this age. I do not want to settle down and make a nest and be content with whatever I have.

I want to be madly in love. And I want him to love me back, deeply and madly.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Detached From Reality

I'm completely exhausted. I spent the whole day and most of the weekend helping out with Asrul's practical report. No, I didn't type it all, I just did the formatting and adjusting so as to make it look like a report a good student would do. He's lousy when it comes to technology. I love you dear but that still stands true.

Yesterday I had lunch with my mum and later went to sign some forms/contract or whatever it was for my new car. A purple Persona, nothing like I've been expecting. I did not even expect a new car, much less a Persona. I'm not too excited about it because I've been doing some thinking about money and calculating the cost of petrol and toll. I guess it'll be easy now since my parents are still supporting me but it doesn't make the guilt go away. My mum told me some things she told me not to mention to even my dad and it just made me so worried about money. I wish I had the time and energy to work so I could be at least financially independent. I hate asking for money.

Speaking about work, this final semester the lecturers are really exposing us to the working environment. Not just the fact that work is hard, what with the ethical and legal issues, but also the fact that the nursing career for us degree graduates is still in the grey area and somewhat uncertain. I had a whole draft in my head about what to write in my blog when I first heard about this but I just can't get the steam to write it out now.

I am so damn exhausted.

Okay, if I am boring you right now, feel free to click that little X button. I am not at my best writing skills today. But it just felt like so long since I last wrote an entry, it's been kinda bugging me.

I actually have a draft sitting in my dashboard for a few days now. Nothing big, just a list of what I want in a guy, you know, the usual. And I also wanted to write about Baby's delivery of 5 little babies but then I thought not everyone's a cat lover like me and after a while I lost steam, yet again, to write. But I watch her babies everyday, sometimes even for hours. They are just absolutely adorable.


To be honest, my feelings are in a mess right now. I'm glad I had that talk with my mum. As I grow older, I find that we understand each other better.

So much feelings. And yet.

God, I must be getting hormonal.

I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene
You know I haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing I see

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonna get

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All I gon' get is gon' be yours then
All I gon' get is gon' be yours still

So tell me when you hear my stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I would't know

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by me you walk like a thief
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know

So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There's a possibility it wouldn't show

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave
By blood and by me, I follow your lead

Monday, January 4, 2010

My First Day of School

Today's newspapers were filled with pictures of kids on their first day of school. 7-year-olds laughing and playing with their new friends and even some crying for their parents. I'm not a big "kid person" but I have to say, the older I get, the more appealing kids seem to me.

I remember my first day of school. It was the year 1995. Sekolah Rendah Kebangsaan Convent Kajang. I remember the week before school started, my parents were saying I had to eat faster at dinnertime because recess is only for 20 minutes at school. Yeah, I've always been a slow eater. At the very least, I take up to 30 minutes to finish a burger or a plate of rice. Even fries could keep me busy up to 40 minutes, if I'm hasty about it.

So anyway, I woke up real early on the first day, so very excited for school. I dressed myself, ate my breakfast and waited outside with my dad for the bus. Yes, I took the bus to school on my first day. I guess my parents didn't want me to get clingy and they're successful in that. I remain independent up to this day. So the arrangement was that I take the bus to school where my dad would meet me and lead me to class. So, not all that independent la. Hehe.

The bus itself wasn't the huge air-cond buses kids have these days. I didn't get that until I was in upper primary, I think. My first time riding a bus by myself. My brother and sister took the bus to pre-school but not me. I don't know why. But it was an exciting experience, that first time on a bus all on my own. The windows were open, the wind was blowing my hair, and the sound of the engine was so loud, I remember thinking I might go deaf. I don't think I spoke to anyone on the bus. I've always been a shy kid. At least, I think so. Hehe.

I reached school and I remember seeing that huge banner that said "Selamat Datang Murid-Murid Tahun Satu" or something like that. I spotted my dad waiting at the gates for me, jumped down the bus steps and ran over to him. He asked me how the bus ride was and I said "Bising sangat." He laughed. Then he walked me to class. 1 Ros. I don't remember if that was the top class but it definitely wasn't the bottom. I think the bottom class was Orkid ke ape? Haha. Tak ingat dah.

My dad met the teacher, led me to my desk and told me to take care. He told me where to wait for the bus that afternoon and the number plate of the bus and gave me RM1 pocket money. And that was it, he left me in a class full of excited and many crying kids.

During assembly, I remember talking to a girl called Haifa Amanina. We were told to line up in twos so we lined together. I think on the way walking to class, she asked me what my favorite food was and I said nasi goreng. Whatever. Hahaha.

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. I remember sitting in class and not listening to the teacher, instead my attention was on the parents lined up outside of the class, intently watching their kid in mine. I remember feeling a sudden pang of homesickness and then a sense of pride that I don't need my parents watching over me. I can handle school all by myself. I'm a big girl now. I'm 7 okay.

I've always been very impatient to grow up and at whatever age I'm at, I always feel that I'm this really old, wise girl. Too perasan for my own good la. Haha. Only now, at 21 going on 22, do I feel really old. I mean, I'm looking at teenager's birth date and notice that they were born in the 90's, for crying out loud. I remember the 90's so well!

I may not remember everything that went on on the first day of school. But I do remember hating Ezzura like mad when I was in standard 1. Yes, the very same Ezzura who is my best friend now and at the top of my list of being my pengapit if I ever get married.

We sat next to each other and I remember we hated each other so much, we would arrange our books next to each other. Even propped it up to form a "barrier". I don't know why I hated her so much. But I remember her being very kedekut. Hahaha. There was this one time when I was just sooooooooo thirsty. I didn't have a bottle of water with me, despite the fact that my mum would pack it for me every morning. I would usually unpack it and leave at the gate when the bus comes. I hate bringing bottled water in my bag, up to this day. So I was thirsty and there was a bottle of water on the table right next to me. You guessed it, it was Ezzura's. And it was one of those nice ones where the straw pops out of the lid. Being the kid I was, I asked her for a sip, even though I hated her.

Me: Nak air kau sikit boleh tak?
Ezzura: Tak boleh. Nanti kena mulut awak, kita dah tak boleh minum.
Me: Kenapa pulak. Aku nak sikit je. Boleh la?
Ezzura: Tak boleh! (Grabs the bottle and held it close to her chest).

Ape lagi. I burst into tears. The teacher came running. Cikgu Azlina. Before the class started, she had already asked us all to write our names on a cardboard and put it on our table. I like the idea of my name being displayed, unlike the other teachers who would only ask our names when talking to us. So I liked this Cikgu Azlina. Thinking back, I don't think she was any older than 23 or so. So she came running and asked me what was the matter.

Me: Saya nak air dia sikit tapi dia tak bagi.
Ezzura pouts. Bibir juih panjang gila. Still holding the bottle close to her.
Cikgu Azlina: Ezzura bagi la Azwa minum sikit eh? Sikit je, boleh?
Ezzura: Okay la. Tapi jangan kena mulut!

So with a smile, I took her bottle and held it up and tipped some water out. The whole time Ezzura was screaming, "Ha, jangan kena!!". Hahaha. But I got my drink and was happy.

You may have noticed how I would use the word "aku" and "kau", even though I was only 7 at the time. Of course, I didn't know that kids aren't suppose to use that sort of language. But at one time during music class, I was talking to Ezzura and she said to me, "Awak, tak baik tau cakap aku-kau. Nanti kita bagitahu cikgu." I was thinking eh tak heran langsung la but instead replied, "Kau pergi la bagitahu cikgu kalau macam tu. Ingat aku takut?". And then she went right up to the teacher, who was surrounded by kids asking him to teach them to play some musical instrument, and told him of my "rudeness". And of course, cikgu tu tak heran langsung la. Lagi-lagi cikgu tu lelaki. Hahaha.

And in the end, we became the best of friends. And I got her to use "aku-kau". And she taught me the word "fuck". Lagi ganas. Hahaha! I don't know how we got to be best friends, I guess it just sort of happened. Kids don't hold grudges, that's the beauty of their innocence.

The rest of my primary school memories were filled with Ezzura. We played together, just the 2 of us. We even kept a diary together which we passed between us every week or so. Someday I think I would like to post how she wrote about her trip to Langkawi. It was 2 pages long! And it was a big A4 diary okay! Hahaha. And yeah, I still have that diary with all that childish handwriting and ugly drawings.

I remember how we used to lie under a tree at the very end of the school field and just talk for hours. It was with her that I learned to walk and talk real fast. I guess we talked fast because we had so much to tell each other and walked fast because we wanted to keep everyone else out.

I think Primary 1, 2, and 3 were one of the best times of my life. We were in separate classes during upper primary and I had just skipped a grade and joined the seniors in Primary 5. It was lonely and some of the girls insisted I call them "kakak". Sheesh. But that's another story.

Kids with bottles of water. This so reminds me of that bottled water incident.

Poor kid. Thank God this didn't happen to me on my first day. Hehe.

Whoa, romantic nye! Haha. I went to an all girls school so none of this for me. But I did have a crush on this boy in pre-school and on our last day, the teacher asked us which school would we be enrolling in. I said Convent Kajang. When his turn came, he smiled and said Convent Kajang too. The teacher laughed and said it was a girls school, which in turn made the whole class laugh. He sat down, red-faced, and quietly said he didn't know which school he would be attending the coming year. His name was Anas and that was my last memory of him.

I can't remember when this picture was taken but it must've been between Primary 1 or 2 because me and Ezzura were both prefects in Primary 3. Bangga gila jadi pengawas. Lepas tu langsung tak bertugas. ;) This is the earliest picture, I think, of me with Ezzura.

And finally..

Class 3 Ros, year 1997. I remember the year so well because it was a good year. Look at the smiles on me and Ezzura's faces?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Real Love Means Being Strong

We've been fighting a lot lately. And I think the cherry on top of all that was the one we just had this evening. But I'm thankful he didn't leave when I told him to and cooled down enough to make me come to my senses.

Thank you for holding me tight. I love you.

Meanwhile, I have been busy and excited this weekend because my adopted cat seems ready to give birth. One of the signs of impending labor in cats is sudden affection and my Baby won't even take gentle stroking before this but for the past 2 nights, she has been following me around and even slept with me. And while she was sleeping, I could actually see the kittens moving in her belly.

This is her 3rd pregnancy and she has never taken care of her past 2 litters. She's easily distracted and isn't very motherly. So I was determined this time to care for her kittens, make sure she at least nurses them till they're ready to be weaned and then find the kittens a home or at least send them over to the RSPCA. And after all that is done, I am going to get the cat spayed, regardless of the fact that this cat isn't really mine and is more like a frequent visitor to my college hostel.

So I thought I could keep her around with food and went and bought some Friskies for pregnant kitties and a bag of cat litter. I even arranged the empty room in my place for her and the kittens.

Yes, I might sound crazy. But I just adore cats. And I just can't stand the thought of her kittens dying out in the cold because I am almost 100% sure she will abandon them, like she did with the past 2 litters. Besides, I have always wanted to be a vet since I was a little girl and so I was excited at the prospect of watching her give birth.

Okay, I must stop now. I am generally really shy over the fact that I really love cats. I do not like people seeing me beaming with affection. I don't know why, maybe I am just hardwired to be inexpressive about my feelings.

So anyway. Baby is now missing. I have circled the college 3 times today looking for her. I have climbed up all the blocks, and mind you, each block has 4 floors. I went up all the 8 blocks but couldn't go up the other D and F blocks because I do not have the access card.

Baby, if you come home after this and you are not pregnant nor looking after your kids, I am going to disown you for life.

Please pray that my cat will come home soon with her kittens still in her belly.


Oh wait. I was going through the new year pictures a moment ago and I found one that really showed off my recent pinkish highlights. Remember when I said I was going to get my hair dyed?

Not only is this a really awesome shot of my new hair color, it's also a really rare one where I am flashing my teeth. Haha. Yes, I was 17 when I first realized I have huge bunny teeth and that they're not as cute on me as they were when I was a kid.

p/s Thanks Shafiq, for the awesome photos. ;)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

What A Girl Wants

When I was a teenager I used to brood on my dream guy. Made a list of all his qualities. Okay, I might even have gone overboard and invented a name for him. No, I am not going to tell you what it is.

I try to be mature and leave unrealistic dreams in the past because hey, experience has taught me that the perfect guy doesn't exist. But yet.

I just want him to be the perfect one for me. Yes, I am that selfish. I know I have shortcomings too but I think I will only work on that when he has stopped giving me heartaches and disappointments. Yes, guys who have tried to court me in the past but failed, you can now thank your lucky stars you did not get me to be your girlfriend. I can be a spoiled brat (most times).

So what is that perfect list? I've adjusted it as I grew older. Made some imperfections on his perfections so that it would seem more realistic and so, increase the likelihood of me actually finding this guy. Hold on, let me get my dusty diary from a previous life.

1. The one that never escapes a girl's list: Gorgeous.

- Of course, looks isn't my number 1 priority but it so happens that I wrote it down first. And I don't expect him to be drop dead gorgeous because I'd never date a guy who's prettier than me. I want to be in the spotlight, thank you. But I also wouldn't want a guy who could chase away a bunch of squirrels with a smile that shows broken black teeth and a face full of warts.

I like tall guys. With black hair that's messy in a tidy way. Black hair, okay. I can dye my hair purple but I want my guy to stay with his natural hair. Dyed hair just doesn't look good on guys. At least, that's my opinion. And I'd like him to be medium toned. Not too fair, cause like Ezzura says, that just screams "Anak mak". Sorry to fair guys reading this. I would date you (provided if I was single), but then you'd never be able to compete with the guy this list is about.

And of course, the number one definition of gorgeous to me: the eyes. I love guys with a certain quality to the eyes. I can't describe how "gorgeous eyes" look like, but it has to have a way of making my breath draw from my body and have me up in the air for a while. I've only seen eyes like that twice. One of them is from the guy I am currently with. It might come as a surprise for most people because he wears glasses and therefore it would hide his eyes but I've seen him without them a few times and I've got to say... wow.

He will be blushing when he reads this.

One last one. Of course I'd like my guy to be masculine. And to me, macho is all in the arms. I love a guy who's arms have veins popping out of them, it reminds me of the roots of a strong, old tree. So comforting and screaming, "I will protect you". Yes, after all my qualms and feminism at times, I am still an old-fashioned girl.
Panjang gile cakap pasal gorgeous. But I assure you, it is not all that important to me. I have dated guys whom you would describe as muka pecah. You know who you are.

2. Intelligent

- Really, this should have been number one. What in the world is my teen self thinking of when she thought of gorgeous first? So anyway, I like guys who are well-informed. Which is why I love it when my boyfriend says he's reading the newspaper. It would be even better if he told me he was reading a good book. Brains is just so sexy when it's worn with good looks, don't you think?

Also, I like a guy who has a quick mind and a smart mouth. Believe me, you're going to need that to logger heads with me. I am an argumentative sport. I like intellectual conversations where we'd discuss something I disagree on and bonus points to you if in the end, you get me to change my mind to be on your side of the argument. That is one tough feat.

A smart mouth doesn't mean rudeness. In fact, that is why he's got to be intelligent. It's all about tact, people. Know your audience and how to win your battles with grace and pride intact.

At the very end of this number of the list, I added the word "educated". Yup, I did not realize the importance of education in a life partner until I was in my late teens. I want a guy who is at least at par with me when it comes to education. Or even better, ahead of me. Mind you, I intend to pursue a pHD so he'd better have brains.

3. Financially secured.

- And I don't mean rich. Just enough to lead the same lifestyle I do. Bonus points if he takes me out to fancy Italian restaurants. I absolutely adore Italian.

When I talk about a guy's finances, I am not thinking of swiping his credit card and going on a shopping spree. In all my relationships, I have been used to paying at least half, if not all. I don't really mind as long as he's bashful about it but I think it would be a good change if we went Dutch and split the cost of dates. I would feel way too guilty if I had my boyfriend pay everything for me. I know most girls have this luxury but I intend to spend my own money and be financially independent.

However, I will not object to the occasional showering of expensive presents. On occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries. In my opinion, that is the only reason a guy I'm with needs to be financially secured.

4. Funny.

- As in every girl's list. Who likes a boring old fart, eh? I like a good laugh and really, when you laugh, it takes all that self-consciousness away from being in the presence of a totally hot guy (see no 1).

5. Loyal.

- Duuhhh. But I am a jealous freak. I do not believe that a guy and a girl can be "just friends" unless it is out of necessity. For example, it's okay to be friends with your workmate or classmate, anyone you have in common with in terms of life commitments. Because you need these friends and it's also okay to still be friends with them after graduation or you've changed workplaces or something. But "just friends" means no constant texting or phone calls to "just say hi" or "just wanted to see how you are doing". It's okay if it's like... once a year. Not every week. And sure as heck not everyday.

Which is why I do not believe in all this "adik/abang/kakak/bapok angkat" nonsense.
I hate those people.

6. Has a slight flaw.

- This is the one I added after some experience of cold reality. But there's a catch. Some people may see it as a flaw but I see it as a bonus. Haha. I like a guy who lives on the edge. Perhaps he races superbikes (but not in a rempit way!) or goes bungee jumping or sky diving or drifts cars. Because I sure as hell want to go with him!

This post has been sitting in my dashboard for like, forever! Doing some cleaning up since I'm so bored so I decided to go through all my posts :)

PS/ This post has absolutely nothing to do with anyone dead or alive, okay? So sila jangan perasan.