Friday, February 26, 2010


You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
You’re running, you’re trying, you’re trying to hide
And you’re wondering why you can’t get free

He’s like a curse, he’s like a drug
You get addicted to his love
You wanna get out but he’s holding you down
‘Cause you can’t live without one more touch

He’s a good time cowboy casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
Looks like a cool drink of water
But he’s candy-coated misery

He’s the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t want to fight
You better run for your life

I see that look on your face
You ain’t hearing what I say
So I’ll say it again
‘Cause I've been where you been
And I know how it ends
You can’t get away

Don’t even look in his eyes
He’ll tell you nothing but lies
And you wanna believe
But you won’t be deceived
If you listen to me
And take my advice

Run run away
Don’t let him mess with your mind
He’ll tell you anything you want to hear
He’ll break your heart
It’s just a matter of time

Yup, it's shocking how love can pull a veil over your eyes and make you blind to things that were so obvious to other people, it was like missing a green and pink neon sign.

No, I'm not heartbroken. Feeling used and cheated, definitely. But I'm only glad that he's out of my life now, at long last. I see now why I couldn't get free before, why he refused to leave. The things he said to make me stay.

Men. I can't imagine, if it were me, if I saw someone totally hot, and I went up to introduce myself with the intention of fooling around. I can't imagine convincing someone to stay while my heart was snickering at the lies. Men can be so cruel.

I was waist deep in his muck. I'm glad I didn't let myself drown in it. Glad I escaped before it was too late and my heart fell to pieces.

I've got to be more careful.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Maybe it was his sad past. Maybe it was the way he spoke of her. Or maybe the way he squeezed my hand when I told him not to ruin himself over her. Maybe it's how he convinces himself he's happy when I know he's lonely.

Whatever it was about him, he's got me wanting to heal him.

I don't think I'm head over heels in love with him. I'm still healing myself. But... Oh, he makes me want to believe in things again.

My faith may be terribly misplaced, I know. This may be one of the stupidest things I've ever done. But I don't care. I just want to get over this, to know for sure.

It feels like there's a gun held to my head right now. I'm sweating, waiting for it to click, because I know it will. I'm gonna get shot down.

But at least I'll know for sure. Then I can look forward to the future, with or without him.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Learning To Pause

Last night, I got one of the best advice I've heard in a long time.

I thought he was giving me mixed signals. And that was why I was pissed. I was so upset, I drove all the way home just to crash in my mum's lap.

It's crazy that even though I hate myself, I always see myself as the good guy. It's just so stupid. I've never realized all this that I'm going to say but I'm writing them down because I want to remember it.

I contradict myself.

I tell him not to call, not to text. I place my phone as far away from me as possible, to show that I'm not waiting by the phone.

But then I jump at the sound of a text coming in or a call getting through. I run back home when I realize I forgot my phone when I only need to be gone for 5 minutes.

I say I don't want to like him.

But I already do.

Whenever I see him, I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Even if I manage to bump into him, I avert my gaze and pretend I don't even see him.

But my heart beats so fast, and not just from walking away quickly. And all I want is for you to say hi and ask me out again.

He's not the only one giving mixed signals. My signals change so much, he must think I'm bipolar.

I am so immature.

Mostly because I'm so impatient. I've got to learn to let things happen and not make it happen. I've got to stop jumping to conclusions and then acting on them, being so impulsive and then indecisive and unsure of what I've done.

Learn to trust my instincts.

Really, when you ask for advice from someone about a situation, the ultimate decision-maker is you and only you. Because only you know what situation you're in, what happened and how it made you feel. Yes, people's advice can be accepted. But when it comes to the ultimate decision, make it 100% yours.

My instinct is that he is genuine. Sure, he's lied a few times and I've pretty much sorted out the lies and truth as soon as I've heard them. Some things are believable while others are not; if you get to know a person, you'd know which is which and you can also vaguely figure out the reasons for the lies. I'm not creating excuses for him just because I like him but I am saying that I understand and the lies don't matter to me.

My problem is not when I'm with him. When I'm with him... well, if things go well between us, I'll tell you how I feel when I'm with him. But when I'm not with him, which is almost always, what people say can really get to me. Especially when it's more than one person. You can't help but wonder why is it these people are seeing things you can't see? And then those negative beliefs are reinforced by the fact that you're mostly without him.

One of my favorite quotes is "faith is emotions without logic". And that is exactly what I'm feeling now. I believe in him and I don't need a reason. My only reason is that he's promised me and I believe him. Maybe, when the future unravels, I might find that this faith is misplaced. But that still doesn't make me a terrible person. It's always good to have faith.

Learn to speak my mind.

I don't know if this is true about me but I think it is. When I first get to know someone, I'm quiet and submissive. But as time goes on, I just can't shut up. Sure, many people are that way. But me, I'm shy at first, so shy that I'd rather leave some things as questions in my mind, let someone get away with a hurtful remark, and then find someone I'm close with and rant my ass off.

Its just that I don't want to hurt people. That is why I keep quiet and observe. I try to learn that person's character first, what he is like. And that is the time when jerks take advantage. They see me as a meek little girl.

I should say what I feel, what I want to question. But I should put it in a way that won't offend the other person. I've gotta learn to be tactful. It's the same way with people that I know and love. Sometimes I take them for granted, that they know the real me and I could just fire off words with no regards to emotions.

It's better to get shot down and know for sure than to live in doubt.

I've always thought this way. That's why I can be so impulsive sometimes. But, see above. I have to stop being impulsive. Small hints will do. You know, roll the ball at his feet and see if he returns it.

So, with all those words of wisdom in my head, I have made up my mind. I have to stop living at such a fast pace. Fall in love at a snap, fall out of love just as fast. Mostly, I think this is a lot of left over emotions I'm having post break up. I have this rebound reflex like a knee jerk with a tap of a tendon. That is the reason why I have not been single in 5 years. I move too fast. I can't stand on my own feet, too doubtful of myself.

Now, Azwa. Take a deep breath. Sit down. Be a good girl. Life will come at you naturally.

I will never ever forget you either. I promise.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The End Of An Era

Oh God, I don't think I've ever had such a tiring week.

Mid-semester break was getting to be really boring until Thursday, when I decided to buy myself a pair of studded booties. I ordered it through a blog shop and the girl emailed me immediately, confirming a pair available in my size. So I went to pick it up at Sunway Pyramid and coincidentally, Ezzura was there with a few of her old school friends, so we decided to meet up.

Cute, eh? When I tried it on, it fit like a glove and even though I've never worn such high heels, the platform on the front soles made it really comfortable - for about the first 5 minutes. Within 30 minutes, my feet were in so much pain, they were numb. For which I am thankful for. So, the next time I wear these boots, it will be on an occasion where I would not need to walk for more than 5 minutes.

After Pyramid, me and Ezzura met up with her boyfriend and made our way to Klang because she was to go for an interview the next day and she wanted to find her way there before the morning jam. Her boyfriend taught me how to use the GPS function on my phone and now I've learnt something new. I hardly ever get lost, even in a place I've never been before (Sai calls me a human GPS), but now, with the actual GPS, I will have unlimited travel freedom.

Thank you, Afizi. But go to hell if you think I'm ever gonna convert to a Man U fan.


Later that night, we had dinner at a restaurant in PJ called Murni. Seriously, it's just a regular little shop but the food is really yummy! And all the time I was thinking who's gonna take me there next time. Sigh. Okay, we'll get back to that later.

I spent the night at Ezzura's place and the next day, we woke at 6 a.m. and I accompanied her to the interview in Klang. On the way there, we saw a whole bunch of shipping containers all stacked up on one another and Ezzura told me a horror story that I will never forget. I will never look at shipping containers the same way ever again.

Saturday, me, Ezzura and Afizi went rock climbing at Putrajaya and I must say this: I will never, ever, go rock climbing ever again. 4 attempts and I only made it 3/4 to the top, at best. My arms and fingers were aching so bad, I felt like crying up there. And all the time when I watched other climbers go up, I felt it was such an easy feat. Boy, was I wrong.

My resolution: work out, get fit, lose weight, build arm and leg muscles, and come back to reach the top.

My whole body ached like mad but still, being the stubborn adventurous girl I am, the next day we went to Broga Hills to watch the sunrise. I thought it would be just a walk up a hill. When I heard the word "hill", the picture in my mind was of a tiny mound of dirt slightly higher up than ground level. Again, I am always wrong.

I wore leggings and flops, for crying out loud. And there I was, trekking in the dark at about 5.45 a.m., climbing steps that were each steeper than the one before, hopping over pits and pulling on ropes. Broga Hills is high. And I mean, really high. Well, for my standards anyway. I'm the type of girl who eats way too much cheese and white chocolates, so I guess nobody's surprised I nearly fainted.

But I made it to the top. And it was worth it. Camwhoring was fun!

The view's spectacular, eh?

And now here I am, back in college. My arm and neck hurts like hell and I'm wondering how much suffering am I going to go through tomorrow on my first day of management clinical posting. All I can think of is I can't wait to sleep like a log tonight.

I met Asrul on Friday night. He wanted me to look him in the eyes and say that we don't have a chance of getting back together. I hesitated at first. Because I really don't know the answer to that. But then, I thought, I shouldn't be so selfish. I should let him let me go. Because my heart isn't sure of anything and I can't possibly ask him to wait.

It took a lot of my guts but I did it. I looked him in the eyes and said no. We both cried, but that was only expected. In a way, I'm thankful that we did, that we both feel so bad about the break up. At the very least, it showed how much we love each other, how much we care.

When he left, I called him and almost asked him to come back. I almost wanted to give it another try. But when it really came down to it, my heart hesitated. It shouldn't be that way, I know it shouldn't. So maybe it just wasn't meant to be. So I told him to take care and hung up.

There are just so many things I want to say to him but I really shouldn't. He's started to recover and he sent me a message on my Facebook saying that he's accepted what happened and will try to move on. So that's that.

An era is defined as a significant period of time. The 2 years and 5 months I spent with him were one of the most meaningful time of my life. It was an era. And now it is the end.

I miss him, in so many ways. When I'm in someplace new, be it rock climbing, Murni, or Broga Hills, I can't help but imagine what it'd be like to go to those places with him. But of course, that will never happen.

He even gave me his Facebook password, in case I miss him too much. He is just that kind. No, I do not understand his rationale for deleting me from his friends list but then giving me access to his account, but I'll accept anything he wants, as long as he thinks it will help him move on. I don't ever want to see him sad ever again.

He thinks I have found someone else. Someone who can be my companion, like he was mine. But he doesn't understand. That Guy isn't like what he thinks at all. It's too soon to tell where things are going and I'm not keeping my hopes up. I'm just going with the flow and taking anything that life gives me.

When I was with Asrul, I just couldn't wait to see Wolfman and Alice in Wonderland with him. None of my girlfriends want to see Wolfman and Alice is showing in 2 weeks time.

I don't think anyone's gonna want to take me out.

I ear-marked this in my book, The Light; Esmaa 'Ul Husnaa 99 Names Of Allah:

"As-Ra'uuf. The Affectionate. The power of love makes it possible for animals to love their young ones. Humans are also part of the fortunate beings who can express love. However this aspect of our life reveals only one of the 100 characteristics of love which Allah Ta'ala possesses. The balance of the 99 characteristics belongs to Allah Ta'ala only. Now imagine how great is Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala's) love for His creatures when compared to our love! It is simply breathtaking."

As long as I have known Asrul, I have felt love in so many ways that it's indescribable, how he makes me feel. I know things will never work out between us. I know that the sparks are gone, the chemistry's not right. But I still love him so much, in many ways.

It's incredible, isn't it, when I feel so strongly that I can't describe it, but it is nothing as to how much Allah loves His creatures, including me?


Whenever I'm faced with love troubles, I hold that quote close to my heart and it gives me great relief.

Friday, February 19, 2010

When Reality Hits

I have to be honest. Since the break up, if I were to speak for myself, not thinking about anyone else or anything, I have to say that I was quite happy. I felt liberated, like a weight has finally been lifted. I don't know why.

It's not that I don't love him. God knows I do. I was only sad because he was sad. Because he was crying and pining for me. I couldn't take his sad calls, his long messages. They crushed me because it showed I hurt him so bad. And it made me feel guilty because I was fine, on the outside.

Inside is a different story. I really don't know what to feel. Maybe I wasn't as broken as he is because to me, our relationship has been dead for a long time. I don't know how he didn't see it. Maybe it was my fault. I was stupid enough to pretend everything was okay because I wanted to try all I could to make things work. But they didn't. The sparks were gone and my heart felt heavy.

I know so many people are going to hate me for this. There might be judgement and criticism of what an ass I am. But I can't deny it. He was right all along. I've wanted to leave for quite some time now. I just didn't have the guts to say it. The reason for me wanting to leave? I just don't know. My heart changed. I love him. I really do. It's just that, you can love someone in so many ways. I realized I could never love him the way he loved me.

It's selfish of me, I know that. I hate myself for it. I wanted him to be happy. But now that he is, when he's taken that first step towards recovery, my heart sinks. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be just a part of his past. I couldn't take it, his messages with the smileys in it, they were even worse than the 3 a.m. phone calls of him sniffling.

I haven't moved on. Sure, he may think I'm happy. I've been going out a lot, shopped a bit, ate a lot. But I think all I've been doing is running away from all this. I don't want to deal with reality. I want it all to just go away. And now he's decided to walk away. I should be happy, right?

In a way, you could say that I don't miss him. Not him, maybe. But I miss the good times we had. How he could make me laugh. His nicknames for me, the little games we played. I'm constantly reminded of the times we spent together. I smile at them, think of them fondly. But now that he's moved on, it just kills me.

I didn't know that when he said he wanted to break up, he was actually waiting for me to say no and come rushing to him. I am not a mind reader. And maybe, just maybe, a part of me wanted to break up.

I am such a selfish bitch. I hope you see now why I hate myself.

I don't know what is this I'm feeling. So many thoughts in my head, and not one of them is rational. Don't suggest that I go see him and ask to give this relationship one more try. I can't bear it if we got back together and either one of us screws things up again, which I'm sure will happen. And I just can't forget all those feelings I had, the weeks before the break up.

The answer is obvious. I need to get myself in check, straighten up, and move on. If only it were that easy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Wish I Could Make You Feel Better

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

It's an old song but it makes me feel better. I don't know, it's just really encouraging. I really wish he could take heart to the lyrics of this song and stop being so sad about me. No, I don't want him to forget about me but I don't want him to wallow in sadness for too long either. I miss seeing him happy.

I know some of his friends read my blog. To those of you who are close to him, I really appreciate you guys being there for him when I can't. He won't let me come close and I understand that. I'll do whatever it takes to help him overcome the pain of his first heartbreak.

This post has also been sitting in my dashboard for way too long. Don't know why I didn't publish it..?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It Tears Me Up Inside

I don't really know what to say. The holidays were good, on the outside. But inside, I was such a mess, I'm surprised all my pictures came out smiling. Sometimes I just sat by myself awhile, amazed at myself for being able to laugh and smile at everyone. I don't think anyone would've guessed that I've just gotten out of a long-term relationship.

So, anyway.

Saturday night my parents had a barbecue because it was one of those rare times my brother came home. I was happy because there was plenty of cheese and then after dinner we played Taboo. It was fun and I forgot most of my troubles for a while, though I couldn't help but wish he was there with me.

Sunday the whole family headed down to Johor Baru, my mum's hometown. Only a few of my cousins were there so it wasn't much fun but I managed to collect enough ang pow to afford me a couple new dresses. The whole time I was anticipating to meet my cousin's son Wafi but when he met me, he couldn't even remember who I was. Last semester's holidays I spent a month working in JB and so I spent a lot of time babysitting Wafi and now, six months later, he's calling me Kakak, instead of the usual Aunty Wawa. He's just two years old now but he's growing up so fast.

Monday I was back at home past midnight and I no sooner dumped my bag on the floor than I was fast asleep on my bed, with jeans on and everything.

Tuesday I lazed around the house, watched TV, talked to my mama, read a book and helped cook dinner. After dinner I headed back to college but stopped by Ezzura's place for a bit of a heart to heart. She gave me some chocolates she got for me in Langkawi and I don't know if she got white chocolates because she knows I love them or if it was just pure coincidence. Whatever it is, thanks a lot weh. I needed a little pick-me-up.

All three chocolates are my favorite. I don't know how she guessed it right. That book on the far right is what I'm reading now. I borrowed it from my cousin under strict rules and regulations so I can't lend it to anyone. It's quite good. You know how Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz triumphed over the wicked witch? This is the wicked witch's side of the story. I've only just started reading it, guess it's okay.

Tomorrow I have to be up early for some research work and then I have a date with Ezzura in the afternoon.

As you can see, I'm not really good with talking about my daily life. I think it's boring and I'd much rather talk about how I feel.

He just called me a moment ago. When I picked up he didn't say anything. So I kept quiet too, listened to his breathing. Then he said he couldn't sleep. He needed to hear my voice.

He doesn't know this but I've been fighting with all my heart to keep from driving over to his place and saying sorry and asking him to give this relationship a chance. Every time I think of doing that, I just think back to how I felt a few weeks leading to the break up, how I felt all torn up and conflicted inside, and I manage to stop myself. The main reason why I do not want to get back together is because I don't want to hurt him anymore. And I know there will only be more heartbreak if we get back together, that's for sure. Besides, we're both so young. Even if we do end up getting married to each other, that'll be at least 3 years down the road and I don't think we could last that long.

When people ask me why we broke up and who was the one who wanted to break up, I really don't know what to say. I only remember that on the day we called it quits, we were fighting and he said he's had enough and I didn't argue. I think it's silly of him, saying that this is what I wanted. I don't recall saying to him I wanted to break up. But when he said he wanted to break up, I don't think I said no either. I could go in circles talking about this but the bottom line is that we weren't made for each other.

I only cried once so far, on the day we broke up. I don't know why but I can still listen to love songs, even put them on repeat, and yet I feel so hollow inside. I view his Facebook everyday, even though he deleted me. I look into those sad eyes and wish so much I could make things right again. His love notes and letters are all stashed in my desk, like a monster lurking and eying me. I am so aware of it's presence. I want to get them all out and read them but I'm so scared that the walls I've built will come tumbling down and I'll run over to him and beg him to take me back. I know he'll take me back in a heartbeat. That is not what I'm afraid of. I'm so scared of the future and of my uncertain feelings that change like the wind. He deserves so much better.

U jangan pernah rasa U teruk. U lah perempuan yang paling cantik, pandai, and kuat yang I pernah kenal. I sangat bangga dengan U. Semua kawan I tahu pasal U, I selalu cerita pasal U.

I will never forget that. But if only people knew of what's underneath this mask I'm wearing.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down

If my life was a movie, this would be my soundtrack.

If that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

At least he'll move on. He'll find someone worthy of his love more than me. But me? I think I'll stay put. I'm too scared to move. I don't expect him to understand this, but he will be my last boyfriend. I've said it before : I will not date exclusively anymore. And as soon as I find that person I love so much, too much, I will marry him, I swear.

I will always remember you. I don't want to forget you. But then again you didn't hurt me like I hurt you.

I will never forget how he brushed my cheek for the last time. How his fingers were wet with his tears.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Here In My Heart

I'm sorry I was such an awful girlfriend to you. I'm sorry I made you fall in love with me so hard when you were so determined to let me go. I'm sorry for giving you all those false hopes that will never be realized. I'm sorry I threw my temper around. I'm sorry I never listened to you. I'm sorry I caused you your first heartbreak, when all this time all I wanted was to be happy with you. You may have made me cry and I may have said some awful things to you but please know that I never meant any of it. You made me happy, even when I was adamant to pout. I've always been so stupid, I've never wanted anything rational. I don't know what made you fall in love with me but I'm so sorry I did. I know you don't want to hear all this from me. I know you've had enough. But I hope one day you will be able to forgive me and see how much I love you but it's just that we weren't made for each other, no matter how hard we tried. You are a good person. I hope you will find someone better than me, who will be good to you because you deserve it. And at that moment, you will thank me for letting you go. I may not have been able to hold on to you in my life. But here, in my heart, you will always be.

Goodbye Seems To Be The Hardest Word

I know what everyone's gonna say when they read this post. Oh they'll get back together soon enough. To that, I just don't know what to say. In fact, I think I'm out of words for everything that's happening right now.

We've both given up. There's just too much pain, too much to forgive that can't be forgotten. For me, it's been over for some time now. I'm sorry but that's the painful truth. And that's why I've been going crazy all this time. Because I can't move on but I can't stay either.


I can't say exactly why. I know it's a cliche but it's true in my situation. It's not you, it's me. I've known for quite some time now that he deserves better. I'm a crappy girlfriend. I've said that to him before and all he did was deny it, brush it away. But last night he finally agreed. And if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that the fate of a relationship is in the guy's hands. If he wants it to work, he'll pursue it. If he doesn't, he'll falter and let any feelings die. Girls have tender hearts. We are persuaded easily to do either way, even if we didn't agree at first. At least, that's how it is for me. And so he decided to give up. Who am I to argue otherwise?

I never thought I would get to where I am right now. From a girl full of hope and dreams of love and passion. To this. I don't think I'm girlfriend material. Not long-term, that's for sure. There's just something wrong with me. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. He will never believe me but I feel his pain so much more than he thinks. It hurts so bad, I'm reduced to a pile of tears and then just quiet numbness.

I never want to feel this way again. He need not worry about me getting someone new. I don't think that will be happening. Yes, I might date other people. But there's no way I'm committing myself to another guy ever again. And I will not date one single person at a time. I will not care too much anymore and I will make that clear from the start. When you care, it's so much easier to get hurt.

I don't care if I end up a spinster. Marriage is the last thing on my mind right now and I wish everyone would just stop asking me that annoying "Bila nak kahwin?" question. I'm not even 22 yet, for God's sake. I just don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. And I don't want to get hurt either.

Khairatul Azwa. It means sebaik-baik pasangan. It just makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I am done believing.

I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Talking To Myself, As Always

My heart says "Enough with the drama already, Azwa. I'm sick of hurting everyday".

My brain says "Oh shut up. I wouldn't be in this mess of thinking through everything if it wasn't because you cared so much, heart".

"And I wouldn't care so much if you had thought it all out in the first place".

"Oh please. Since when do you ever listen to me?"

Right now, I am so angry. I'm mad at him, of course, who else? And as always, a part of me is mad at myself. I've always been mad at myself, at some point. But this time its been for ages. I don't know why. I've never been an arrogant bitch, but I've always liked myself. Nowadays, I hate myself so much, I can't imagine any reason to be friends with myself. And the way he acts, it only reinforces my low self-esteem.

I'm sorry for giving out depressing posts lately. But that's just how I feel right now. People may not see it. But when I laugh, when I'm having a good time; I'm actually dying inside. No, don't worry, I don't think I need to talk to "someone" about it, at least not yet.

I've got so many feelings inside me, each one more different than the next. But I just don't know how to express it all. I can't even cry. I think this has been going on for months (at least that's what it feels like) and I've only cried once and it didn't help when he told me to hush up. Sometimes people just need to cry. But I don't expect him to understand that.

I can't wait to graduate and work. I hope I get posted far, far, away. I just want to run away from all this. From everything.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Broken Strings

Let me hold you for the last time
Its the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking its the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I try to move on but it hurts too much
I try to forgive but its not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts, lies worse
How can I give anymore?
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When its too late, too late

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

When I went on that drive Thursday night, this song came on the radio. It was exactly how I felt at the time.

Adrenaline Rush

Oh gosh, it's been ages since I last wrote, all because me and my house mates couldn't access the internet here in college. I was pissed cause they raised the fees up to RM 906 and then the internet's crappy? That's just so not right!

So anyway, having access to the internet after almost doing without it for 2 weeks, I've got a bit of an adrenaline rush where I can't concentrate on one web page too long. And I've got loads to tell, let me warn you this is gonna be a long post and one where the subject keeps changing.

Okay, let's start with last Thursday night. I went a bit crazy and went on a mad drive to nowhere, totally abusing my mum's touch n' go card (it won't happen again mama, I promise). In the end, I ended up at Asrul's place and when he saw I was in a mess, we made up. We didn't even talk about what the whole fight was about, he just held my hand and it was that simple.

But a girl's heart is so complicated. I love him, it's crazy to say I don't. But let's just say that after a storm, there's a lot of cleaning up to do. I'm still recovering so there are still some stupid thoughts in my head.

Saturday was a blast. I met up with some matriculation friends, I haven't seen them for ages. The last time was my birthday last August but even then, not everyone was around. We went to Wondermilk in PJ and it was great having friends around (minus the boyfriend) and just reconnecting with the outside world. My life has revolved around my studies and boyfriend for so long now, I've been kinda suffocating.

I don't know what JOHO is about. So don't ask me. Hehe.

My sayangs in matric! Oh how I miss you all!

Sunday my parents had a barbecue for my Aunt Cecilia who came all the way from Australia. I think the last time I saw her was when I was 12 so there was a lot of catching up to do. I've always been closer to my mum's side of the family, another reason why I can't wait for the coming CNY, even if it means sacrificing Valentine's Day.

My soon-to-be brother-in-law Huzaifah did most of the barbecuing and I must say, there was a party in my tummy! Worth putting on 2kgs for. Wink wink.

Oh wait, I wanted to upload the pictures from the barbecue but then I remembered I can't. My memory card adapter ran away and Asrul kidnapped my camera cable. I'll just have to wait for him to get me something that can transfer my pictures into my laptop and that's gonna take a while.

I almost forgot. A close friend of mine recently discovered that her long-time ex has a new girlfriend now. They've been broken up for more than a year and she's already with someone new so she's quite okay with it. But I know it doesn't help that the new girl is hot. And I can totally empathize with how she feels. Not quite sad but wondering. I've felt that way before but I think it was over something else. Anyway, I hope she'll be okay soon because it's weird how I feel sad over her not-so-sadness. I can't quite describe it.

I can't concentrate. I'm hungry.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Flipping The Off Switch

I'm just back from my 2 weeks clinical posting at a gerontology hospital in Shah Alam. Today is only the second day and I must say, I have never before gotten to a place where I wanted to go home as soon as my feet touched the ground from the bus steps. I'm sorry, but because we are not allowed to do any hands-on nursing care to the patient, I find it dead boring. We take no part in documentation, positioning, observation, dressing, Ryle's tube feeding, PEG feeding, and all the rest. What are we allowed to do? Only health promotion and assisted feeding, and that is only limited to certain patients. There are some things to do but between bed-making in the morning and feeding patients at lunch, I can't find anything else to do. Sure, I talk to the elderly patients and make sure they're comfortable in bed but how long will that take? 10 minutes out of the whole 7 hours?

I have just another 4 days to go and I don't think I can barely survive that. And then there's the fact that I have to launder my uniform everyday now and make sure my nurse cap is white and crisp. I hate uniforms. Bleurgh!!

Okay. So yesterday was a bit of a productive day. I YM-ed Asrul and we talked a bit. Really, why does he choose to be patient only when I'm threatening to leave? He had no problem throwing his temper around when we argued the last time but now? He's cool as a cucumber. Like I said, I think guys only appreciate what they feel they will lose and not when it's a sure thing. I don't know about other people but for me, this is the case many a time.

I've always had trust issues. I am already, by nature, highly cautious of guys and their words of promises. But when that trust is built, which is not easy, and then it's broken, how do you expect me to trust again? Fine, to be fair, I might have broken my promises too, at some point in our relationship. Which is another reason I think we should call it quits. Why go on when our relationship is built on a foundation of broken promises?

But love can be such a strong feeling. It is the only reason I'm hesitating to let go. The only reason I'm awake in bed at night, contemplating what to do about all this. I miss him, so much. I wonder what he's doing, who he's with. Sometimes I even hope he'll show up at that hospital in Shah Alam, since it's so close to him anyway. But he doesn't and I'm always carried away by daydreams.

We didn't really reach a conclusion last night. The last thing we said was that maybe we need some time off right now. It's been 3 days since we last spoke to each other. Tomorrow is day 4. I don't think we've ever gone that long without speaking to each other, not even during that time when we broke up a month before I was due for London.

Maybe time and space is all we need right now. To put things into perspective and take a breather. What happens after that, I don't know, and if I'm honest, I don't think I even want to know. Because I am so scared of heartbreak, and it doesn't matter if we get back together or not. Either way, I know I'm still gonna have my heart broken to pieces.

So what do I mean by a productive day yesterday? At least now me and Asrul have reached an agreement to take some time off. And I also resolved my intra-personal conflict last night. I finally found my guts and I'm sticking to it.

Whatever happens in life, I must learn how to handle it well. If I really think about it, my problems are nothing compared to everything else in the world. Even though I'm naturally dramatic, I've got to learn when to clam down and think things through or I'm only going to make myself physically ill because of my emotional baggage.

So now, I'm flipping the off switch. Turning off all the raw, empty, doubtful feelings in my heart and from now, I'm just gonna go with the flow and see where life takes me. I've got to stop keeping myself awake at night with all sorts of negative thoughts and over-analyzing. So there's my off switch.

Okay, I know it isn't that easy. But at least I'm trying.

Namun harusku akui
Ada ketika di minda kau menjelma kembali

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Feeling Everything But Knowing Nothing

I have not had peace of mind for quite some time now, maybe even for months. My feelings are a mess and my head is just empty. I am full of fear and "what if" conversations in my head that doesn't seem to have an ending.

I am afraid to move on. I am afraid of what the future holds, afraid of further lies and disappointments, afraid of sweet nothings and exploitations. I am afraid that leaving him would be a huge mistake. I am afraid that I will never get over him. I am afraid of losing him, my best friend who has that love-hate relationship with me. I am afraid that I will miss him. I am afraid of not finding anyone else who will tolerate me and accept me that well. I am afraid of getting over him and then finding someone new who will only break my heart all over again.

And yet.

What if he isn't made for me? What if I am just a lesson he's to learn from and I he? What if there is someone else out there that I am putting on hold just because I am so afraid of everything? What if his feelings has changed and I'm just a fool with a broken heart? What if my feelings has changed?

Honestly, I do not know how to describe how I feel for him. There are no words, only this swell in my chest that seems to make me more confused, if that is even possible. And then there's that intra-personal conflict I'm having that only a few favorite people in my life know about. Take it from me, a conflict within yourself is so much harder than a conflict with another person because there is no way to win and no way out. It eats you up day by day and there is no peace.

I do not want to hurt him anymore. I seriously believe he deserves better. I am a terrible girlfriend. And he need not worry about me substituting him way too soon because right now, I think I'm no good for nobody. I only bring heartache and pain and when we fight, I may put up a strong front but deep down, I am hurting so much and feeling so guilty because I am causing him so much pain. Sometimes, when he loses his temper, all I want to do is cry and say I love him and that I'm sorry and hug him tight but I just can't. I don't know why but I can't. And there are just so many times when I've taken out my phone and tapped his number but then I hesitate and do not call or text. It's not just that I don't want to deal with it. But the fact is, I don't know what to say.

All this takes a toll on me. There is always some sort of illness I am suffering from every week. Two weeks ago it was a pain in my right knee. Last week there was that horrendous twisting of my stomach that made me rush back home at 3 a.m. to get my meds. And this week there's the flu and I feel a fever coming. And my period even stopped for almost 2 months.

I think I need some space. I do not need time to think because I am already doing too much thinking for my own good. So what do I need space for? I don't know, all I know is right now, I need a break from all this. Time does wonders for the heart. And if he really is meant for me, then love will find a way.

So does this mean I'm single? I don't know. Like I said, I know nothing right now. But, whether I'm single or not doesn't matter because my heart is already heavy with his presence.

I've just taken 2 tabs of Panadol and 1 tab of Actifed. Actifed makes me sleep for hours and I was tempted to take 2 tablets just so I can sleep longer and not deal with reality. Really, I understand the sense psychiatric patients make when they overdose without intent to kill themselves. I myself would like to take a sedative and sleep off this whole thing and then wake up months later, not remembering what happened. But life is so much more complicated than that. I've got so much more going on in my life, my responsibilities as a daughter and a student. Reality is, my boyfriend isn't my existence. It hurts but that's just the way it is. The world still spins on its axis and I am just another human being who has to get on with life, no matter how painful that may be.

Can someone tell me of a secluded spot where I can drive far far away and just scream my lungs out and cry?

Oh Allah, if he is the one for me, please give us both the sense and realization to get through this. But if he isn't for me, please strengthen my heart to move on from this chapter of my life and give me the wisdom to learn from this experience so that I may not repeat my mistakes. Amin.

Arguing With Myself

Benarkan ku tuk berbicara
Bicara terus ke hati mu, hati mu
Hati yang penuh rasa ragu
Jangan terus pergi
Tanpa mendengar ku
Mungkin mudah
Untuk kau terus berlalu
Nanti dulu
Berikanlah waktu
Untuk aku, untuk kamu

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku
Kaku aku melihat mu
Lidah kelu sedangkan aku
Mahu kau tahu
Aku cinta pada mu
Benci pada mu
Cinta pada mu

Ke tepi lihat ku berlalu
Pasti itu yang terbaik untuk ku
Tiada lagi mahu ku tahu
Tentang hidup kamu
Tentang mati kamu
Aku tahu
Engkau tahu apa yang mata ku tahu
Apa yang kau tunggu
Mahu aku buka pintu?

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku
Kaku aku melihat mu
Sedang aku mahu kau tahu
Dengar kata ku
Aku cinta pada mu
Benci pada mu
Cinta pada mu

Sakitnya aku
Membenci kamu
Sakit lagi mencintai mu
Dan aku pergi
Tapi kembali
Benci aku mencintai diri mu

Monday, February 1, 2010

A Kick In The Teeth Is Good For Some

I do not accept excuses. I do not accept words of sorry only for you to repeat them again. And if I am not as important as your friends, then maybe you don't need me in your life. To say that I am the person who has changed your life the most and then treating me like dirt is worse than if you had said nothing at all. Actions speak louder than words and you don't have that many things to say to me anyway, so you could at least make a gesture to show how much I mean to you. But I get no words and even less action, so what do you expect me to think?