Thursday, December 16, 2010

Flicker Of Truth

Surprisingly, falling in love and falling out of love isn't very different. Because, when it happens, you just know. And you also know that there's nothing much you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I wanted that break up and I still do. Don't ask me why, it's a long story. Whether I wanted it or not, I guess the grieving process is just the same. But I feel weird because I can't cry. I don't know why but I can't. I feel numb from head to toe and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I haven't been truly single since I was 16. It's not something I'm proud of, being the serial monogamist. Now that I'm alone... I guess I'm just at a loss at what to do. I don't know what is it I feel, when I'm alone.

God, I hate being emo.

Are you really here? Or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Don't Have The Strength To Stay Away

You make it hard to breathe
With every step you take closer to me
I am cold with every touch
And I can't fall asleep

I can't stand to be without you
Now that you've figured out who I am
I can't stand to look into your eyes
Now that I realize

You make me weak
You make me love
You make me want to scream your name at the top of my lungs
You make me shake
You rescue me
But most of all you make me

I am drawing pictures in your hand
And being away from you is something I can't stand
I feel your breath upon my cheek
You're my everything and my heart is yours to keep

I don't have the strength to stay away
Because I am falling more in love with you
Each and everyday
I can't stand to not be by your side
Now that I realize

You make me weak
You make me love
You know I'll stay with you forever
But that's not enough

Friday, December 3, 2010

Why I Love Being A Nurse

Ever since I was 7 and teachers asked that inevitable question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I always knew I wanted to be a veterinarian. One of my earliest memories is of me at about 3 or 4, where I wandered around the back alley of my old house in Kajang and heard kittens crying. I looked everywhere in that back alley for the source of that crying and found 2 kittens in the drain, still with its' placentas attached. They were wet, cold, and mewing those high pitched cries that still, to this day, make me wander off to look for distressed kittens.

I remember getting into that drain and it was quite deep too, it must've reached up to my neck, at least. But I've always been a tomboyish girl, so I scooped the kittens into the palms of my hands, placed them outside the drain and hoisted myself out of there. I took them home and asked my very disgusted mother if I could keep them. Suffice to say I did not get to keep those kittens and, after a while, my parents got so sick of me bringing home stray cats that they got me a cat of my own.

My childhood dream was to open up an animal hospital. Most kids abandon silly little ambitions like that when they hit puberty but by the time I reached matriculation at the age of 17, I still wanted to be a vet. There was only that short period of time when I was 16 and me and Ezzura wanted to be lawyers, simply because we thought it was hot to be wearing sexy, stylish, office clothes.

When I was done with my SPM, I got an offer from UPM for a diploma course in animal health and I was ecstatic. It was my dream come true but then, my mom persuaded me against it, saying that vets don't make it very well in Malaysia, especially in the government sector and I believed her because I've been to government animal clinics and it was no more than a shack by the roadside. It never hit me, then, that if I became a vet, I would be a government animal doctor. I was thinking more like Steve Irwin or all those other people who travel and document wild animals and treat them or rehabilitate them and stuff.

Since I wasn't sure what course I had to take to be the next Steve Irwin, I decided to go to matriculation while I thought things through. If I really wanted to be a vet, I could go on and do a degree in animal health, couldn't I?

It was when I was in matriculation that my dad introduced me to nursing. He showed me an article on the front page of the New Straits Times and, at the time, I had never even thought of nursing as a career choice. It wasn't that I hated nursing, it's that I've never even seen a nurse my whole life, except for the ones who came by in primary school and taught us how to brush our teeth right. Even then, it didn't register to me that they were nurses, qualified health professionals, I simply thought they were adults teaching us how to brush right.

So I did my research in nursing and was intrigued by midwifery. I was impressed that nurses could branch into so many specialties and so, I settled my heart there and then to venture into nursing and have never looked back since.

Sure, I still wander into every pet shop I can find, whenever I can. I can never ever resist pet shows and I intend to volunteer at the SPCA in the near future (I actually volunteered there once when I was 10). I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I see roadkill and I drive extra slow and carefully around my neighborhood, not for fear of hitting children, but for fear of hitting kitties.

As I grew up, I became more and more conscious of openly showing my affection for animals. I'd shy away from a cat I was about to approach whenever I see someone coming. I'd only talk to cats when no one's there. Yes, I do sound crazy and I'm aware of how it makes me look and that is why I stopped doing it in public.

And yet, nursing is the best career for me. Not only do I get to venture into the medical field, making a difference in someone's life everyday, but I also get to show affection. It may surprise some people to know how soft and gooey I am inside. Sometimes, when I read a sad piece of news in the papers, I'd have to stop and take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. It sounds stupid and I know how it looks like and again, I don't like showing this part of me.

Being a nurse, I like standing at the bedside of a patient, trying to comfort her not just through words, but through facts that I've learnt during my 4 years of training. When a patient is unconscious and the family is looking anxious outside, I am the first to ask the doctor if he's informed the family of the patient's condition and would he like to do it or should I? And while everyone is in the middle of chaos, rummaging drawers for syringes and medications, going through observation charts and past history, I'd be the one person standing next to the patient's bed, holding her hand and telling her it's going to be okay. That her vitals are slightly above average but we're doing everything we can, you're in safe hands.

I love nursing because it allows me to be kind without being judged. I can be a really shy and sensitive person but life has taught me to be firm and strong. That if you didn't have your feet planted firmly on the ground, people could just blow you away. Being a nurse lets me be that kind, patient person you can depend on, so different from my bad tempered, egoistic alter ego. It lets me be the person I want to be, versus the person that I have to be.

It's true what they say, you know. That if your heart's in the right place, you can never lose by doing what you love to do.

Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down - Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

What do you call that feeling, an emptiness so deep, you want to bury yourself just to get away from it? When you want to sleep and never wake up until everything's different? And yet, you have to put on a strong front, not just because the person you love most depends on it, but because your job requires you to do so.

I've loved him for so long, I've got so many memories of him that I can't imagine what it'll be like if I didn't have him. No matter what I feel, I can't imagine my everyday without him. There were times when I loved him so much, I'd watch him, trying to memorize his face. The way his cheeks crinkle when he smiles, that line between his brows, that mole under his chin. There was a time when I'd know his scent anywhere. Even though time has calmed me down a bit, settled me from a fiery passion to a comfortable familiarity, I still love him with all my heart.

So tell me how do you let someone go? When they flip onto their ugly side and you don't think you can stand the sight of it and then, just as quickly, they flip back and you're left wondering if this will ever work. And if it won't work, where do I even begin to piece my heart back together?

If you're reading this, don't ask me about it. This is the last thing I want to talk about with you.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Every Evil Has Some Good In It

The good thing about losing is you learn something new - Megamind.

I'm Not In It To Win It, I'm In It For You

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever

And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything

Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I Finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece

Tomorrow, 15 November, is our 3 year anniversary but we decided to celebrate today since I'm working tomorrow. I thought I'd make it a really cheap but fun date, so I borrowed my dad's DSLR and we went camwhoring in Putrajaya.

Weeks ago, when I first planned this date, I imagined we'd be going all over Putrajaya, taking pictures all the way. But the truth is, photo shooting is exhausting! And the sun sure made it fun. Our first spot took more than 2 hours already and we were both famished so we decided to go for lunch and a movie instead.

The photo shoot was really fun, especially since (straight) guys don't really like being the subject of camera attention and so, I got to be the model most of the time. I loved it but I would have loved it more if I wasn't so damn fat. Oh well, at least, if I got really sick, my body would have "extra baggage" to burn.

Later on, we had lunch at Johnny's Steamboat which was really really good! I can't imagine he's lived all these years and never had steamboat! At least his first steamboat experience was great, unlike his first time with pasta and sushi.

We decided that this year, we'd make our presents. I started out weeks ago but finished his present just last night, due to my being a professional procrastinator. I made him a huge valentine with cut out words and lots of our photos.

His present to me took me completely off guard. He had made me a movie and burned it on a CD. He stayed up late to do it, and I appreciate that so much, what with him being so busy with his studies and social life. The CD also came with my favorite bar of chocolate, a white Toblerone. Anniversary or not, you can never go wrong with this chocolate!

When I reflect on the past 3 years I've been with him, I feel so much love for him, I don't even know where to begin to express myself. I don't think I can ever show him how much I love him and so, he will never truly know. I can be a real pain in the ass, and while he can be too, I've got to say that I pick fights way more than him. Not only does he stick around, he loves me all the same.

All I've wanted ever since I was a teenager, was to find someone who would love me and make me feel special. I've found him now and if I had known it would be this awesome, I would never had let myself fall for anyone in my past, not ever.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mad Woman, Bad Woman

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live
Take, take, take it all
But you never give
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman, that's just what you are
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

If my body was on fire,
You'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby
But, darling

I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Brain And The Heart

Me : nanti I first gaji, jom pergi Sunway Lagoon! Or nak pergi Melaka? U cakap je nak g mana, jom kita pergi!

Him : no la u, first gaji u simpan dulu k, next gaji baru belanja..bagi u financially stable dulu, okay?

I told you he's so very reasonable. When I reflect on the things he says, I wonder why do I have my head in the clouds so much?

He's the brains of the relationship, while I am the heart. Well, unless you're talking about career and studies, whereas I am the brain and he's the heart.

And like those two vital organs, one can't be without the other. Well, the heart can live without the brain but the brain can't live without the heart. So I would very much prefer to be the heart.

Heart or brains, if I ever catch you lying again, I'll rip both of yours out.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I Wish I Could Do This

I really want to kill someone right now.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

There Will Never Be A Day When I Don't Miss You

We just had lunch together today. We also spent the whole of yesterday together. But I still miss you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My First Job

Tajuk post macam esei kanak-kanak kan? Hahaha.

Who would've thought my first job would be with a private hospital? When I was a student, I swore I wouldn't go into private healthcare, what with all the racked up charges and sometimes, unnecessary ward admissions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I will not discuss my career plans here, because I am not that stupid. I only want to discuss my first day, more for the benefit of my juniors and classmates so that they'll know what to expect. And also for my close friends, to let them know I'm doing okay.

On the first day, I had to put on this really dorky white shirt and black slacks. I was brought to the Human Resource and met the Chief Nursing Officer. While waiting in the lobby, I chatted with another new nurse, a diploma graduate who worked in a different private hospital for 3 months prior to this current hospital we were at. I thought it was real silly of her, resigning her RM 2400 post for one which barely pays you 2K. I guess she has her reasons but if it were me, I wouldn't be going anywhere.

While we were chatting, it surfaced that I was a graduate and she was a diploma holder. So she asked me,"Tak rasa rugi ke, ambil degree tapi sama je gaji dengan diploma?" and she also asked the inevitable, "degree dengan diploma apa bezanya?" My blood did boil when I heard these questions, but I kept a cool surface and instead, applauded her for her ignorance. I answered that the difference between degree and diploma holders were the entry requirements, and that the degree course had more professional development courses, we learn in English, and our classes were smaller so we are more focused and integrated. It's not much of an answer but I kept telling myself, let my actions speak louder than words. I'll prove to them what the difference is so that they can actually see it instead of just hearing but not believing. My answer to the other question was simple. "Tak rugi sebab degree lagi cepat naik and lagi senang nak sambung belajar and kalau nak kerja overseas, nursing board western countries tak recognize diploma."

So we were later brought to meet the Chief Nursing Officer (CNO). She eyed us both up and down and turned to the other girl, saying "Mana badge awak? Kenapa dia pakai badge tapi awak tak pakai?" I looked at the floor but inside, I was like "hah!!" I knew putting on that badge would bring me some good. Well, I actually put it on because I didn't want to look like a caterer in my black and white outfit. At least the badge had the words "Jururawat Berdaftar Malaysia" to prove that I am a nurse.

The girl smiled sheepishly and squeaked that she "forgot" to put it on. She was then introduced to the Head Nurse for her assigned unit and taken away. I sat there and the CNO looked at my interview sheets and asked me when was I going to complete my degree course. I said I've already completed it and graduated in August. She then raised her eyebrows and asked me from which college did I graduate from and I said "UKM". I could tell she was impressed. She asked how old I was and I said 22. I then had to explain to her that I did a 4-year course straight from matriculation and had no previous working experience apart from part time jobs.

She told me that, from the interview, it was remarked that I had a good family background and excellent command of the English language so why does someone like me want to be a nurse? I smiled and told her how my dad suggested nursing for me when I was 17 and I did my research and found it to be a very interesting field because you can branch into so many specialties and how, initially, I found midwifery to be my area of interest. But then, after 4 years of studying nursing, I find that I cannot choose which area I like the most because I love it all and have never regretted my decision to enter nursing.

We spoke in English and when the Head Nurse of my assigned unit arrived, the CNO introduced me to her and told her I'm a graduate nurse with no working experience but a very good knowledge base. She then turned to me, told me "I think you can go very far in nursing and I hope you'll like it here". She even stood up, shook my hand, and walked me to the door.

Oh, sungguh dan sangat lah puas hati dapat layanan macam ni dari CNO, especially after that demotivating conversation with the other new girl.

I will not tell you the rest of my first day in such detail, because a)it's my fourth day already and I can't remember that much and b)I think it's more important that I stress on the take home point rather than my experience in detail which will mean nothing to some people.

I was then brought to the Emergency Department, my assigned unit. It's more commonly called the A&E (Accident & Emergency) among medical staff. I was introduced to the morning staff, including the clerks at the counter and then taken into the Head Nurse's office. In the office, I was explained, at length, about the rules and regulations of the hospital (I had to fight my urge to yawn) and on how my working hours will be like.

And then the Head Nurse did something that I don't think I'll get in any government hospital. She took me for a tour of the whole hospital. And I mean the whole hospital, from the top floor where the CNO's office was, right down to the basement where they did the laundry and housekeeping. And it's not just a tour of what is where, it's also a tour of who is where.

"Hai, saya Azwa, staff nurse baru di A&E".

That was my line of the day. I had to introduce myself to everyone. The physiotherapists, the doctors, the radiographers, the lab technicians, the clerks, the nurses, the care assistants, the cleaners, the security guards. I have never been so mortified my whole life. The people were all really friendly, making nice remarks like "Welcome" and"Nice to meet you". I've noticed, in the past 4 days I've been working here, that people are really friendly. Even the doctors are nice. And it's not just with the patients (obviously, they're paying for it so they have to be nice) but its the culture between staff too. Everyone smiles at each other every morning and even greet each other. It's creepy at first but then you get used to it and you start to practice it too. So I guess that's part of fostering a healthy environment.

I was also introduced to the doctors in the A&E. One doctor started quizzing me, on why I didn't take medicine anyway, since I have a nursing degree. I could go on to take medicine overseas, but the bottom line is, I like being a nurse. I don't want to give myself a headache trying to figure out patient's diagnoses and treatment plan. I like being the caregiver, advocator, and educator. He didn't believe me so he even asked for my GPA. I told him and he nodded and mumbled "Well... that's okay... borderline". Whatever. But he turned out to be alright. Sure, he quizzes me a lot and wants to see me do procedures so that he can assess whether I'm really all that good, but you know what? I like it that he does that. Because, so far, I haven't failed myself yet. I've answered all his questions without blinking and did all the procedures right (thank God!). I think it's great that I've got the opportunity to prove to people that graduate nurses are different.

It may be daunting, people constantly watching me, scrutinizing, skeptical about my credibility, some even waiting for me to mess up. But the up side is that it keeps me on my toes. I'm constantly looking for something to do, I never forget to say please and thank you, I refrain from gossiping (but my ears are always open), I read up everyday so that I know the right things and ask the right questions.

So that's really okay. The people here are nice, especially my co-workers. Usually, in government hospitals, you have to make an effort to learn. If you don't ask and show interest, no one's going to pay attention to you (sometimes you get the same treatment even if you do) but here, I have people coming up to me everyday and offering to teach me something new.

The aforementioned doctor asked me to perform a Mantoux test on a patient and I would have peed my pants if it wasn't for the fact that I had the exact same test performed on me last year. I have never done a sub-dermal injection my whole life. The nurses usually don't let us students try it out because it's very easy to mess up and end up giving the injection too deep within the skin layer. But I've seen how it's done on me and felt pretty confident (plus, I won't let that doctor one up me). Some of my colleagues were nervous for me and even tried to give me last minute tips as I started to prepare for the injection and the doctor was slowly making his way out of his office towards the treatment area. I took in most of the advice, though my ears were quite deaf due to the sound of my thumping heart.

I did the injection with no less than 5 nurses and the doctor surrounding me. It was like a little circus. After I had given the injection, the doctor started quizzing me on how long it will take to show results and how big would the swelling have to be to show that it was positive. I answered him right, thanks to the occupational nurse in London who did the Mantoux test on me last year and told me a great deal of information about the test. God bless you, occupational nurse.

I quite like it here at the A&E. One of the bright sides is that I don't have to deal with nursing reports. We usually just treat the patient and then discharge/admit/transfer the patient. There are also plenty of opportunities to practice things you don't usually get to do in wards because it's usually done by doctors. These include blood taking, IV cannulation, and male catheterization. This morning I even did a blood culture and sensitivity (C&S), which my colleague was so kind as to offer me to do the job and supervised me and later congratulated me on a job well done. Like I said, the people are real nice here.

I love my job, but I hate the pay. But it's my first job, I can't expect too much. I'm doing it more for the experience than for the money. Tomorrow is my day off! I can't wait to see my daling.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The End Of Eternal Holidays

Today might be the last day for the next few years when I'm not busy or obsessing over work. I'm starting work tomorrow! For those of you who don't know yet, I'll be working at the Emergency Department at KPJ Kajang Specialist Centre. I've been reading up on Emergency Medicine (like, 4 pages) so I hope everything goes well tomorrow. It's going to be pretty scary, meeting new people and getting to know a new environment.

I am soooo bad at first impressions. I don't know how to make small talk, I can't remember people's names, and I hate eating with strangers. I don't expect it to be busy at a private hospital's emergency department, because they only take in people who can afford to pay. So I expect there'll be a lot of lounging around tomorrow, where there will be plenty of opportunities for people to bombard me with personal questions.

"Where do you live?" "Oh, you're a nursing graduate? What's the difference between that and a diploma?" "You have a degree and your pay is the same as us diplomas?" "Are you planning to stay on?" "Why did you choose the emergency department?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "What does he do?"

I remember my first days at matriculation and UKM. Most of the time, I'd be alone, dodging glances, smiling politely, and not really knowing how to respond to people. I'm not stuck up or hard to be friends with. It's just that I'm socially awkward with people I don't know. I think the part about making friends and meeting co-workers is the part I'm most anxious about. I'll be working under a mentor for 6 months, so I won't be expected to know everything about emergency medicine during my first month or so. But I'm nervous about the people. I think I'll be under a lot of scrutiny during my first few weeks, especially since I'm probably the only one with a nursing degree, they're gonna want to see if I'm really all that good.

On the up side, I've always had good friends wherever I went in the past. I know I'll probably find a good friend or two at my new workplace but I expect at least a week of isolation and eating alone. I'm also pretty excited to start work, I can't wait to get myself super busy, I think I'll pick up a lot of night shifts and double shifts! Kajang is nearby my boyfriend, so I'll probably be seeing him a lot after work.

Anyway, today I had the best shopping experience ever! I can't really go into details but I'll tell you this: I wish someone would hurry up and break the news so I can go crazy!! There are so many things I want to say, but I can't!

Alright, alright, time to iron my clothes for tomorrow (I'll be wearing this really ugly white shirt and black pants because I haven't gotten my uniform yet) and pack my working bag. Even though the pay is crap and I'm hoping to get something better before the end of January next year, I'm pretty psyched to start work.

Khairatul Azwa, Registered Nurse
Bsc. Nursing (Hons) UKM

I like the sound of that.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Really Long Boyfriend Survey

Because I'm bored.

What is his name?
Mohamad Asrul Bin Mohd Bakher

How old is he?


Eye Color?
Dark brown

Hair Color?
Dark dark brown

Is he pretty?
What..? I sure hope not!

Is he cute?
Yes he is

Is he funny?

Is he unique?
The one and only.

How long have you been going out?
3 years.

Do you love him?
With all my heart.

Who said I love you first?
I think it was me. Hahaha. Berzaman kot kalau tunggu dia! I am not a patient person.

How long do you plan on being with him?
For the rest of our lives.

Would you steal or lie for him?
Steal? I don't think he'd let me do that. Lie for him? At some point I think I've already done that.

Would you stand up for him?
Yes, without even thinking about it.

Would you protect him even if he was at fault?
Yes I would.

If some one touched him in the wrong way what would you do?
I'd kill that person!!

Do you trust him?
Not really but that's not his fault. I find it very hard to trust people.

Whats your favorite thing about him?
His "good boy" attitude. He's very reasonable and keeps my feet on the ground.

Whats his favorite music?
Right now, he's loving the song like a G6 by Far East Movement.

Whats his favorite food?
Probably KFC?

Would you stop doing something for them?
Yup, I've done that countless times.

Is he a jealous person?
Yes he is but with reason.

How often do you think of them?
Never a second without him on my mind.

Have you sang for them?
I did one time, actually. Hahaha. Hard for me to say I'm sorry by Chicago, because he was mad at me at the time.

Would you let some one or something keep you from seeing him?
I'd try my very best to see him and I'll have you know I'm a very determined person.

Does he call you every day?
Yes, sometimes more than 5 times a day. Dia malas nak text sebenarnya. Baru je sebut, ni dia dah call.

Do they smoke?
He's been smoke-free for 7 months. I'm so proud!

Name one thing you would change about him?
His temper.

Has he changed you?
Yes he has. He's tamed my temper quite a bit. I no longer curse when arguing.

When was the last time you saw him?

Does he go to your school or work with you?
Nope. I do not date people I work with.

Would you love him no matter what?
Yes I would.

What would make you break up with him?
If he ever cheated on me. No wait, I won't need to break up with him because he'd be dead by then.

Have you seen him cry?

Has he bitten you?
No but I've bitten him. Hahahaa.

Does he trust you?
As much as I trust him.

Is he some one you want to be with for a long time?
Of course!

How long have you known him?
More than 3 years.

Why did you choose him?
It was his "little boy" looks that made me adore him when we first met.

What would be the perfect date with him?
Just us two, someplace quiet, and no distractions. Oh, and with food. We love to eat.

Have you met his parents?
Yup. They love me! Hehehe.

Has he met your parents?
Yup. Well, my parents love me more. Hahaha.

Do your best friends like him?
My best friend has a crush on him. Hahahahahaha.

You Know I'm Such A Fool For You

I try to be understanding. He's got his finals coming up next week and he's been studying really hard. We were supposed to go for a movie this weekend but he wanted to study so I said okay. Last week, he had his FYP and presentation. For the past two weekends he's had this autocad course.

It's not like I haven't seen him in weeks. I just saw him yesterday. But it was just a 2 hour chat over drinks and maggie goreng at a mamak stall and even then, I could feel he wasn't really there with me. He was upset over his exams and I couldn't stay for long because I know my mom's waiting for me back home. The night before we had a really huge argument over the phone. The next day, he couldn't do his exams so I resolved that that's the last time I argue with him before an exam. I should have let it slide. We went out last week but he was down with the flu so we didn't really enjoy ourselves.

It's been such a long time since we had an actual date. I miss all those times in college, when he would pick me up and take me for roti bom and we would laugh and talk all night. Now, whenever I want to see him, I have to check his schedule, fill up the car, drive 45km through all that horrible KL jam, just to spend 2 hours with him. And then I have to rush home and worry about my parents telling me off for coming home late.

Our love is not carefree anymore. We used to be able to go wherever we wanted, for however long we wanted to, and not care about anyone else but each other.

Now I can't even tell him I miss having him all to myself. Now all I can do is put on The Cranberries and Coldplay and hold all my tears in.

Mereka kata rindu itu indah. Namun bagiku ini menyiksa.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Day Ten: Ten Final Words

Hope you enjoyed this series as much as I did.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day Nine: Ten Ways To Win My Heart

Dear boyfriend, please take note.

1. Get me a really cute kitten.

2. Surprise me with flowers, preferably long-stemmed ones, tied with a big bow and no plastic. I don't care what kind of flowers, I love everything.

3. Tell me a song that reminds you of me and why it does.

4. Write me a really corny love letter.

5. Give me something handmade.

6. Make me a romantic picnic in the park.

7. Cook me my favorite dish. I love it when men cook.

8. Hug me when I'm angry.

9. Come to me from a really long way, just to comfort me when I'm upset.

10. Dance with me to a slow song.

As you might have noticed, most of the things that can make me fall head over heels doesn't involve a lot of money. I'm beyond getting expensive jewelery, teddy bears, and I don't fancy chocolates that much. See, it's not that hard to win a girl's heart. Why most men find it hard to do is hard for me to understand.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day Eight: Ten Of My Favorite Songs

1. Terrified - Katharine McPhee feat. Zachary Levi

2. Hey soul sister - Train

3. Flightless bird - Iron & Wine

4. Animal - Neon Trees

5. Toxic - Glee Cast version

6. Whatever you like - Anya Marina

7. Strange and beautiful - Aqualung

8. Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

9. Thunder (acoustic) - Boys Like Girls

10. Larut - Dewa

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day Seven: Ten Important People

1. My mama, Norita Koo Bt Abdullah. Annoying at times, funny most times, and in competition with me to see who loses the most weight.

2. My papa, Mohd Shamsuddin Bin Zahid Sopian. Amazingly, he's not as bad tempered when we're alone together (which is a lot recently, him being retired and me unemployed). He usually buys me what I want and is the reason why I entered nursing in the first place.

3. Nur Ezzura Bt Ezzudin. We've known each other since we were 7, sat next to each other for most of our school years, and is the first person I run to whenever I'm in trouble.

4. Mohamad Asrul Bin Mohd Bakher. We'll be celebrating our 3 years anniversary soon. I've never had a boyfriend who could stand the devil in me for so long. How he does it is a complete mystery to me.

5. Saidatul Syazwani Bt Zulkifli. She's the nicest, most supportive friend I've ever known and believe me people, what you see is not what you get. She should join the group "I may look calm, but in my head I've killed you 3 times" on Facebook.

6. Noor Syazwani Bt Redzwan. We had so much fun back in matriculation, a tonne of memories to last me a lifetime. I really miss you Syaz, and will love you always!

7. Farah Mislina Bt Khairuddin. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Sayang kat budak pendek ni! I promise to buy you a key chain from whichever country I go to for the rest of my life.

8. Surayah Binti Abd Manan. She may not know it, but her lively personality and cuteness is really infectious. I really missed her after she moved out.

9. Ikamaya Bt Mohd Ariffin. We may have had our differences (most of it were really trivial things) but in the end, she turned out to be a really good friend. And like all good books, a good ending makes for a good tale.

10. If I'm honest, I really miss Siti NurSolihah Bt Adnan. She was one of the best friends I've ever had, and the ending of our friendship was simply proof that the root of all misunderstandings is a breakdown in communication. Remember that time in an activity when we had to give out straws to people we love? I do.