London Life

Right now it's Saturday, 2.15 a.m.

I've never stayed up so late here in London, I'm usually out by 9.30 p.m. Probably because I'm up by 5 a.m, 4 a.m. if Asrul is online on Mondays and Thursdays. The days here are still long but it seems that the sun sets early nowadays and there's really nothing to do at night anyway.

To sum up my life here so far, it's been really routine. Work from Monday to Friday (8 a.m. till 5 p.m. but me and Zul will always leave by 4 p.m, at the very latest) and then weekends so far, we haven't gone touring yet cause we're so busy meeting up with relatives, lecturers, and other Malaysians. But not to worry, we still have another 5 weeks, we should be able to jalan-jalan a whole weekend or two. Hehe.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the system here, to understand the care of a patient. It's so complicated. There's housing matters, financial matters, family arrangements for the patients, carer's assessments, etc, etc. Basically, a community psychiatric nurse makes sure that all aspects of the patient's life is taken care of. And I don't understand crap when they go on and on about legislation and the Mental Health Act. And no, I'm too damn lazy to read. Penat la. Siang pegi keje, mlm tdo. What else is there to do? Free time is spent calling family and my other half who I miss so much, it's painful sometimes. It's gotten to a point where I would miss him so much, my mood dips so low that Zul takes one look at my face and knows it's not a good time to talk to me. Hehe. Ala, die pon same jugak. Mood masing-masing sangat affected bila dah rindu. But what can we do, right? Sigh.

Anyway, the weather here is really unpredictable. There was this one morning, it was so freezing cold that air would vaporize when we spoke. So I put on my long coat and a pair of boots but when noon came around, it was so bright and sunny, it felt like Malaysia at night or after a good rain. And then people at work would ask why am I in boots since it's such a hot day. Crap kan?

Mostly, I miss the nightlife in Malaysia. Not that I've ever been to any wild night parties but at least at night boleh hang out lama-lama with friends kat kedai mamak buat lawak-lawak bodoh kan. But here? Shops close at 5 p.m. and only bars are open at night. And semua bars tu cam penuh ngan mat salleh tua-tua. Tapi kalau muda pon, I nak watpe je masuk kan? Kalo ade milo ais tak pe jugak. This one time, me and Zul got ready after maghrib to go to a carnival at a park nearby and we got there around 8.30 p.m, and by Malaysian standards, a carnival would just only have started right? Wrong. Turns out they close at 9 p.m. So we got there just in time to see all the rides shut down. Sempat la jugak amik gambar sikit-sikit tapi cam sengal jugak la, semua orang sibuk tutup kedai, kitorg bukan main excited lagi ambil gambar. Macam bongok kan? Lepas amik gambar sikit, terus balik makan jeli kat umah. Tu je nightlife kami. Bosan betul.

Career-wise, yes, I am thinking of a future here. Me and Asrul have talked about it and we plan to come work here after he's done with a degree, so that's about 3 or 4 years down the road. Of course, we would have to be married by then and as you all probably know, I'm not too confident about that (because I'm afraid of getting my hopes up just to be bashed and broken) but anyway, we can only plan and God will decide, right? Or something along those lines la. Well, I really want to work here and get a midwifery masters here, mostly because I want my kids to grow up here. I love the education system here and I think kids here have a great time, what with all the toys and parks you can't get in Malaysia. The parks here are lovely and literally everywhere. Such a wonderful place to grow up in. But then again, when I look at the teens here, I shudder to think of my kid being like that. They're noisy, rude, and downright shameless at times. But I guess most teens in Malaysia are about the same, huh? Maybe it's part of the growing up stage, I dunno.

Being here in this country makes me miss Asrul so much cause I keep thinking of all the things we could do here. Of course, its not Paris but it's still so romantic. We could take a walk by the River Thames, have fish and chips by the sea, take walks and feed ducks in the park, sunbathe on the balcony, keep each other warm on cold, cold days and really just shameless PDA. Haha.

Ezzura said that when I get back to Malaysia, I'm going to miss London and I guess she's right. But I guess that's because back home, I'd have everyone I love around me and then all I need to complete the picture would be the environment -- London. Here in London, it's made me realize that I would not trade the people I love for anything in the world. Because in the end, all that matters is the people that matter to you and not money or other material things the world has to offer.

Really, if I was given the choice right now to choose to be anywhere in the world, I would really want to be in Malaysia. More specifically, by Asrul's side. Hehe. So I guess it's true what they say. Home is really where the heart is.

Oh if only I could stuff all the people I love in my pocket and bring them with me to this beautiful, exotic country.

I love you the mostest.

Today is the last time we're seeing each other before I leave for London. 7 whole weeks without him. 51 days without that smiling face. I'm going to live through it all but it isn't going to be easy for either of us.

It's been a roller coaster ride with him and sometimes, one of us would get sick and demand a break from all the drama. But we'd always gain perspective and miss one another so much that you just have to get back on that ride. I thought it was all over (really) two weeks ago and right now, I am just so glad that I had the guts to jump headfirst into this world all over again. So glad that he had the patience and courage to convince me. I don't know how long this little "honeymoon" will last but frankly, I just don't care and am too happy living in the moment.

We made little "rituals" before we bade farewell, including writing letters to each other that we'll read when I'm in London and he gave me a bunch of songs that he says remind him of me. I'm most touched by one of the songs, D'masiv's Merindukanmu. I know lately I'm always talking about songs and lyrics but I'm gonna say it anyway. The lyrics that touch me the most is this

Selama aku masih bisa bernafas, masih sanggup berjalan
Ku kan selalu memuja mu

I've waited all my life for someone to love me like this and now its scaring the hell out of me that I might lose him since we're so young. I don't really believe in long-term relationships, unless you're mature enough to truly commit. I just don't know where I am on that. All that I know are my feelings for him. The uncertain future scares me, what with the promise of heartbreak and all. I just hope he will be worth it.

He's been saying so many things about how he feels, how he will feel when I'm gone. And I think, mostly I just look at him and smile, not knowing what to say. I guess I've just been raised not to be so expressive with my emotions. I write most of my feelings down and that died down when I got too lazy to keep a diary.

He just asked me what my blog address is. So I know he'll be reading this when he's online.

You are the best I've ever had, my dear. And you can be so sure with all your heart that I will miss you the very same way you'll miss me. Seven weeks will blow by without you even noticing. Don't be too sad okay? I'll be back soon to "menyusahkan" you in every way. =)

I can't wait for the future. To spend more of my life with him. Love is life's greatest gift. And if you've never been in love, then you're alive but not living.