Heroes and Heroines

It is 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Unsurprisingly, I can't do my assignments either. But no, this time it's not because I'm a lazy ass but simply because I left all my psychiatric notes and books back home cause they were too heavy to bring with me and I thought I'd get them back over the weekend. And then silly me promised my mental health assignments by the end of this week. I'm so stupid.

Anyway, I'm sorry to nauseate you with my happy, chocolate-dripping, sickly sweet Facebook status lately. I am just so happy. Again, I am not hoping that it'll last forever because one can only be realistic and come back to the earth where guys are jerks at times and girls have to forgive and forget, right? Right.

So as usual, I do not have anything better to say other than about my boyfriend. I am sick of assignments, I don't wanna study for the upcoming exams, and I know this time I'll flunk real bad cause Statistics and Research hates me. So excuse me for wanting to reflect on my boyfriend who is becoming oh so perfect lately.

We are seeing each other every day now. About 3 times a day actually. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I love it that he's so close to me right now. =)

So we were having dinner just now and I was telling him how, in London, I had such a hard time filling up forms because they would always ask for my first and last name. I'm like, GET REAL. Not everyone has first and last names. Asians certainly don't. And England, especially London, is just filled to the brim with Asians, you'd think they'd amended that bit about first and last names. What's wrong with just asking for my full name, huh?

And people there would have me repeat my name 3 - 4 times before they'd really catch on my name and say it right. So, I said to Asrul, to make things easier, we should probably have English nicknames thought up before we go there together. So what kind of English nickname would he like? I suggested Steven (as in Steven Gerrard) and he laughed and said it sounded like a Chinese boss he had some time ago and then he laughed again and said what about Fernando? As in Fernando Torres. Ferry for short.

We were laughing and then he said no, what about I'll be Clark and you'll be Lois? Sounds familiar? Berani mamat ni perasan superman! Hahahahaa! And then we went on naming all the heroes and heroines we could think of: Peter and Mary-Jane, Shrek and Fiona, and then when we came to Batman... who is the heroine for Batman? Seems like he doesn't have a heroine. He does have Robin, though. Does that make him gay then? Haha. So another famous couple would be Batman and Robin. He'll be Robin, I'll be Batman.

After all the stress of assignments and not knowing a thing about my studies and refusing to study, it was just soooooooooo good to laugh my heart out with him. =)

When I got back, he returned the book I gave to him. This is a note book I wrote in for him, something like a goodbye letter before I took off to London. He's been writing in it for the whole 7 weeks I was away. At first he wrote everyday for like, the first week. And then it was once every 2 days. And then once a week. And the date difference between the last letter and the one before it was like, a week? Haha. It's alright daling. I know you can't write everyday.

What really caught my heart was the things he said in those letters, things he has never even told me before. His feelings and problems while I was gone. I felt so loved that it was almost heartbreaking.

I don't know why, but I have become sort of like a commitment-phobic ever since that one time I broke up with him. I still have this nagging voice at the back of my head saying "it will never last". I just don't know how to silence that voice. I love him, but at the same time I have all these fears and a need to be on my own at times but I also want him to stick with me because that small voice is also whispering "I need you". It's just so confusing. Maybe I just need time on my own now and then. And also, somewhere, somehow, I find the thought of ONE man for the rest of my life kinda scary. I mean, how do you know that's the right one? What if you choose wrong? What if you commit and then someone better (a.k.a hotter) comes along?

What I think right now is this.

I am not with him for his money, status, good looks, charm, or future. One could even argue if he has any of the things I just mentioned. But I am with him because he knows me inside out. Because he has taken my crappy days and still made me look good by the end of it. Because he is my best friend.

Maybe other guys would come along and I'd be tempted by their good looks/money/status/charm but if they can't compare with the level of understanding that Asrul has over me, then I'll know where I belong.

So after reading all his letters, I closed that book, closed my eyes, and told that nagging voice in my head to just shut the eff up..!

I am committing myself to him, my future to him and I am ready to take the plunge that will perhaps make me lose everything or gain everything that I've wanted ever since I was 6 and watched fairy tales that made me believe in a happily ever after.

Pause For Thought

I have a little secret that I'm ready to share with the world.

I am a romantic freak. I am so freaky that I have a book of self-written poems. This is before Asrul converted me to the farting, laugh-out-loud, fist bumping, care free girlfriend that I am now.

So about this book of poems, I actually have two of them and only Ezzura knows of their existence. It's actually just a school note book with the words "Pause For Thought" and "Pause For Thought II" written on the front. See. I was such a stupid romantic teen that I needed two books to unload my unrealistic fantasies. But they were a good outlet for me to express my bottled up feelings due to having idiot boyfriends. My teenage years weren't kind to me.

So anyway, being the grown up that I am supposed to be today, I am now ready to share my poems with the world. I used to call Ezzura up back then whenever I've completed a poem and read them to her and she used to tell me how awesome they were. She was probably lying but thanks a bunch anyway weh!

Looking back, I think some of them were pretty good too. Here's one I wrote for a younger guy I had a crush on when I was 16. It was a momentary crush but I'd like to think that the stars back then were already rearranging themselves to form the fate that I am trapped in today -- being in love with a younger guy.

You are my sun
that always shines
just a glimpse of you
can make me smile.

You shine so bright
and keep me so warm
no matter how rainy it is
to me, there is no storm.

And just like the sun
I dare not go near
I'm just a dust particle
in your perfect atmosphere.

Even at night
you are the brightest star
forming constellations
wherever you are.

I am the farthest planet
in your beautiful galaxy
hoping one day
your rays will shine on me.

Until that day
you will remain my sun
the one that always shines
the one that makes me smile.

I should really start writing again. But what I've realized is that it's kinda hard to be creative when you're so happy. I need a broken heart to spur my muse into action. Not that I'm asking for anything to happen.

Oh look at me. Typing away 200 words when I can't even get 100 words out on my literature review. If all else fails, I know ONE thing for sure : I HATE RESEARCH.

Okay, back to work!

London Life

Right now it's Saturday, 2.15 a.m.

I've never stayed up so late here in London, I'm usually out by 9.30 p.m. Probably because I'm up by 5 a.m, 4 a.m. if Asrul is online on Mondays and Thursdays. The days here are still long but it seems that the sun sets early nowadays and there's really nothing to do at night anyway.

To sum up my life here so far, it's been really routine. Work from Monday to Friday (8 a.m. till 5 p.m. but me and Zul will always leave by 4 p.m, at the very latest) and then weekends so far, we haven't gone touring yet cause we're so busy meeting up with relatives, lecturers, and other Malaysians. But not to worry, we still have another 5 weeks, we should be able to jalan-jalan a whole weekend or two. Hehe.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the system here, to understand the care of a patient. It's so complicated. There's housing matters, financial matters, family arrangements for the patients, carer's assessments, etc, etc. Basically, a community psychiatric nurse makes sure that all aspects of the patient's life is taken care of. And I don't understand crap when they go on and on about legislation and the Mental Health Act. And no, I'm too damn lazy to read. Penat la. Siang pegi keje, mlm tdo. What else is there to do? Free time is spent calling family and my other half who I miss so much, it's painful sometimes. It's gotten to a point where I would miss him so much, my mood dips so low that Zul takes one look at my face and knows it's not a good time to talk to me. Hehe. Ala, die pon same jugak. Mood masing-masing sangat affected bila dah rindu. But what can we do, right? Sigh.

Anyway, the weather here is really unpredictable. There was this one morning, it was so freezing cold that air would vaporize when we spoke. So I put on my long coat and a pair of boots but when noon came around, it was so bright and sunny, it felt like Malaysia at night or after a good rain. And then people at work would ask why am I in boots since it's such a hot day. Crap kan?

Mostly, I miss the nightlife in Malaysia. Not that I've ever been to any wild night parties but at least at night boleh hang out lama-lama with friends kat kedai mamak buat lawak-lawak bodoh kan. But here? Shops close at 5 p.m. and only bars are open at night. And semua bars tu cam penuh ngan mat salleh tua-tua. Tapi kalau muda pon, I nak watpe je masuk kan? Kalo ade milo ais tak pe jugak. This one time, me and Zul got ready after maghrib to go to a carnival at a park nearby and we got there around 8.30 p.m, and by Malaysian standards, a carnival would just only have started right? Wrong. Turns out they close at 9 p.m. So we got there just in time to see all the rides shut down. Sempat la jugak amik gambar sikit-sikit tapi cam sengal jugak la, semua orang sibuk tutup kedai, kitorg bukan main excited lagi ambil gambar. Macam bongok kan? Lepas amik gambar sikit, terus balik makan jeli kat umah. Tu je nightlife kami. Bosan betul.

Career-wise, yes, I am thinking of a future here. Me and Asrul have talked about it and we plan to come work here after he's done with a degree, so that's about 3 or 4 years down the road. Of course, we would have to be married by then and as you all probably know, I'm not too confident about that (because I'm afraid of getting my hopes up just to be bashed and broken) but anyway, we can only plan and God will decide, right? Or something along those lines la. Well, I really want to work here and get a midwifery masters here, mostly because I want my kids to grow up here. I love the education system here and I think kids here have a great time, what with all the toys and parks you can't get in Malaysia. The parks here are lovely and literally everywhere. Such a wonderful place to grow up in. But then again, when I look at the teens here, I shudder to think of my kid being like that. They're noisy, rude, and downright shameless at times. But I guess most teens in Malaysia are about the same, huh? Maybe it's part of the growing up stage, I dunno.

Being here in this country makes me miss Asrul so much cause I keep thinking of all the things we could do here. Of course, its not Paris but it's still so romantic. We could take a walk by the River Thames, have fish and chips by the sea, take walks and feed ducks in the park, sunbathe on the balcony, keep each other warm on cold, cold days and really just shameless PDA. Haha.

Ezzura said that when I get back to Malaysia, I'm going to miss London and I guess she's right. But I guess that's because back home, I'd have everyone I love around me and then all I need to complete the picture would be the environment -- London. Here in London, it's made me realize that I would not trade the people I love for anything in the world. Because in the end, all that matters is the people that matter to you and not money or other material things the world has to offer.

Really, if I was given the choice right now to choose to be anywhere in the world, I would really want to be in Malaysia. More specifically, by Asrul's side. Hehe. So I guess it's true what they say. Home is really where the heart is.

Oh if only I could stuff all the people I love in my pocket and bring them with me to this beautiful, exotic country.

I love you the mostest.

Today is the last time we're seeing each other before I leave for London. 7 whole weeks without him. 51 days without that smiling face. I'm going to live through it all but it isn't going to be easy for either of us.

It's been a roller coaster ride with him and sometimes, one of us would get sick and demand a break from all the drama. But we'd always gain perspective and miss one another so much that you just have to get back on that ride. I thought it was all over (really) two weeks ago and right now, I am just so glad that I had the guts to jump headfirst into this world all over again. So glad that he had the patience and courage to convince me. I don't know how long this little "honeymoon" will last but frankly, I just don't care and am too happy living in the moment.

We made little "rituals" before we bade farewell, including writing letters to each other that we'll read when I'm in London and he gave me a bunch of songs that he says remind him of me. I'm most touched by one of the songs, D'masiv's Merindukanmu. I know lately I'm always talking about songs and lyrics but I'm gonna say it anyway. The lyrics that touch me the most is this

Selama aku masih bisa bernafas, masih sanggup berjalan
Ku kan selalu memuja mu

I've waited all my life for someone to love me like this and now its scaring the hell out of me that I might lose him since we're so young. I don't really believe in long-term relationships, unless you're mature enough to truly commit. I just don't know where I am on that. All that I know are my feelings for him. The uncertain future scares me, what with the promise of heartbreak and all. I just hope he will be worth it.

He's been saying so many things about how he feels, how he will feel when I'm gone. And I think, mostly I just look at him and smile, not knowing what to say. I guess I've just been raised not to be so expressive with my emotions. I write most of my feelings down and that died down when I got too lazy to keep a diary.

He just asked me what my blog address is. So I know he'll be reading this when he's online.

You are the best I've ever had, my dear. And you can be so sure with all your heart that I will miss you the very same way you'll miss me. Seven weeks will blow by without you even noticing. Don't be too sad okay? I'll be back soon to "menyusahkan" you in every way. =)

I can't wait for the future. To spend more of my life with him. Love is life's greatest gift. And if you've never been in love, then you're alive but not living.

Look After You by The Fray

I love this song.

If I don't say this now, I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I wanna take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you be the one I'll always know?
When I'm losing my control the city spins around
You're the only one who knows you slow it down

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
I'll look after you and I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love, she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says "most assuredly"

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby
I'll look after you, after you
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home, yeah
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, be my baby

If anyone dedicated this song to me, I think I would cry.