Thursday, November 5, 2009

Heroes and Heroines

It is 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Unsurprisingly, I can't do my assignments either. But no, this time it's not because I'm a lazy ass but simply because I left all my psychiatric notes and books back home cause they were too heavy to bring with me and I thought I'd get them back over the weekend. And then silly me promised my mental health assignments by the end of this week. I'm so stupid.

Anyway, I'm sorry to nauseate you with my happy, chocolate-dripping, sickly sweet Facebook status lately. I am just so happy. Again, I am not hoping that it'll last forever because one can only be realistic and come back to the earth where guys are jerks at times and girls have to forgive and forget, right? Right.

So as usual, I do not have anything better to say other than about my boyfriend. I am sick of assignments, I don't wanna study for the upcoming exams, and I know this time I'll flunk real bad cause Statistics and Research hates me. So excuse me for wanting to reflect on my boyfriend who is becoming oh so perfect lately.

We are seeing each other every day now. About 3 times a day actually. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I love it that he's so close to me right now. =)

So we were having dinner just now and I was telling him how, in London, I had such a hard time filling up forms because they would always ask for my first and last name. I'm like, GET REAL. Not everyone has first and last names. Asians certainly don't. And England, especially London, is just filled to the brim with Asians, you'd think they'd amended that bit about first and last names. What's wrong with just asking for my full name, huh?

And people there would have me repeat my name 3 - 4 times before they'd really catch on my name and say it right. So, I said to Asrul, to make things easier, we should probably have English nicknames thought up before we go there together. So what kind of English nickname would he like? I suggested Steven (as in Steven Gerrard) and he laughed and said it sounded like a Chinese boss he had some time ago and then he laughed again and said what about Fernando? As in Fernando Torres. Ferry for short.

We were laughing and then he said no, what about I'll be Clark and you'll be Lois? Sounds familiar? Berani mamat ni perasan superman! Hahahahaa! And then we went on naming all the heroes and heroines we could think of: Peter and Mary-Jane, Shrek and Fiona, and then when we came to Batman... who is the heroine for Batman? Seems like he doesn't have a heroine. He does have Robin, though. Does that make him gay then? Haha. So another famous couple would be Batman and Robin. He'll be Robin, I'll be Batman.

After all the stress of assignments and not knowing a thing about my studies and refusing to study, it was just soooooooooo good to laugh my heart out with him. =)

When I got back, he returned the book I gave to him. This is a note book I wrote in for him, something like a goodbye letter before I took off to London. He's been writing in it for the whole 7 weeks I was away. At first he wrote everyday for like, the first week. And then it was once every 2 days. And then once a week. And the date difference between the last letter and the one before it was like, a week? Haha. It's alright daling. I know you can't write everyday.

What really caught my heart was the things he said in those letters, things he has never even told me before. His feelings and problems while I was gone. I felt so loved that it was almost heartbreaking.

I don't know why, but I have become sort of like a commitment-phobic ever since that one time I broke up with him. I still have this nagging voice at the back of my head saying "it will never last". I just don't know how to silence that voice. I love him, but at the same time I have all these fears and a need to be on my own at times but I also want him to stick with me because that small voice is also whispering "I need you". It's just so confusing. Maybe I just need time on my own now and then. And also, somewhere, somehow, I find the thought of ONE man for the rest of my life kinda scary. I mean, how do you know that's the right one? What if you choose wrong? What if you commit and then someone better (a.k.a hotter) comes along?

What I think right now is this.

I am not with him for his money, status, good looks, charm, or future. One could even argue if he has any of the things I just mentioned. But I am with him because he knows me inside out. Because he has taken my crappy days and still made me look good by the end of it. Because he is my best friend.

Maybe other guys would come along and I'd be tempted by their good looks/money/status/charm but if they can't compare with the level of understanding that Asrul has over me, then I'll know where I belong.

So after reading all his letters, I closed that book, closed my eyes, and told that nagging voice in my head to just shut the eff up..!

I am committing myself to him, my future to him and I am ready to take the plunge that will perhaps make me lose everything or gain everything that I've wanted ever since I was 6 and watched fairy tales that made me believe in a happily ever after.

2 comments:

miSz tUna said...

heyyy.. i'm hepy for you :)
to your happily ever efter, and may more lifetimes after that (if that's possible lah) with Asrul ;)

Khairatul Azwa said...

haha..thx wani..=)
hope i've made the right decision..ish..takutnyeeee~