Just Another Girl Phase

What is wrong with me. And that's not even a question, its a statement. Sangat bad mood lately. And mostly Asrul yang kena. I don't know why la. Tapi lately asyik bad mood ngan dia. We're usually teasing and laughing at one another but I don't know why lately, semua benda I terasa ngan dia. And then he will apologize like anything, even though he knows its not his fault.

I'm a spoilt girlfriend.

=(

Tomorrow is the first day of exams. Out of the whole 7 days of study week, I think I studied for like... 2 days? Haih..what is wrong with me.

Today my dad told me he played golf with the Dean. And he wants to invite him to the house some time. Omg. Segan la!!

My parents keep on talking about my future, and how my dad knows this person and that person. I know he just wants the best for me but I kinda want to do my own thing, my own way. I don't want to be successful just cause my dad "knows people". But of course, I don't dare say a thing to him. And today he said he hopes I can pull a 3.88 again like last sem. My heart sank right into my shoes. This sem sucks. I will not make it this sem. I will academically die this sem. And to have my parents hoping on me makes it so much worse to know.

I just want to sedate myself till I graduate.

I. HATE. CICAK!!!

Omg. I never thought this day would come. Again.

I was so happy today when Asrul called after work and asked me out for Roti Bom cause a)I'm dying from studying for 2 hours, b)I miss my daling whose handphone died of low battery, and c)I love Roti Bom!

So he picked me up and we went to our usual mamak where all the workers know us since we first started dating but have never given us a discount.

I ordered the usual Roti Bom with susu on the side and Milo Ais Tabur. He ordered ais kosong. No guesses whose the fatty here. And I just had KFC for lunch. Heeeee~

He was telling me about his day and I was telling him that I might have to go home this weekend when...

I felt something tug the edge of my shirt. At first I thought it was probably just the wind but on second thought, I turned around to just check.

I fully regret turning my head 45 degrees and looking down at the back of my shirt.

There. It. Was. Staring at me. With its head cocked on one side, it's pink body in full view. That's right. From its stupid little head to its long icky tail.

I snapped my head around, covered my face and started screaming. Asrul quickly reached over the table, pulled my hands from my face and asked me what's wrong. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just couldn't!!! Omg. Omg. Omg!!! I took a few deep breaths, shut my eyes real tight and whispered to him, "Cicak". He started laughing. I wanted to smack his head! He got up, went round to my side of the table and looked round my back. He said he couldn't find anything. I told him to keep looking and I don't care if he needs to feel me up. Just get rid of the damn thing!!

He patted me round the side of my waist, brushed my hair and then sat back down. But not before I realized everyone at the stupid mamak was looking at us. Pegi mampos. If you had a bug-eyed creepy crawly icky bastard down your back, you'd be screaming too.

After many reassurances from Asrul that it was gone, he started laughing and said he can't believe I'm scared of lizards. I don't care. I hate all cicaks and their UNrespective descendants. I think it would be a good idea to have a cicak hunting day and smash each one with a shoe. But I won't be joining you, I'd be snuggled up in my bed, door bolted and cracks on doors all stuffed.

One thing I really hate about cicaks, and I know this might sound crazy, but its as if it knows I'm terrified of them. This isn't my first time up close and personal with the damn thing. When I was about 13, I woke in the middle of the night all thirsty, so I went downstairs to get a cup of water when this STUPID, ICKY, bastard fell right on top of my head and crawled all the way into my dress and down my back and back out the floor.

Laugh all you want. That experience traumatised me so much, I never again went downstairs in the middle of the night.

When I came home after today's incident, I had Asrul check and recheck me 3 times before I let him go. I don't want to bring the icky bastard home and into my bed. And after the 3rd time of checking and patting me down, Asrul said we'd better stop having all those Roti Boms cause he could feel the weight on me.

!@#$^!%!%!@@^*!!!!!!

Even now, writing this post comfortably in my kolej living room, every wind blowing my hair, every sudden movement, makes me jump and think of the icky bastard. Hish..trauma betul la arini!!

I might not be very religious but there's one sunnah Nabi that I have been naturally born into : Sayang kucing and BENCI cicak.

Yes, we should be given pahala for killing cicaks.

I HATE CICAKS.

Sekian.

Getting down to work

I have spent 2 days playing My Tribe non-stop and one sleepless night waiting for my tribespeople to finish building a damn tower. I slept at 4 a.m. last night. And exams is in 6 days.

I need a slap on the face!!

Today I went to see my mental health lecturer for a bit of a discussion on what to expect for the exam. And omg. Bapak susa!! And only now has the full impact of the reality that the semi-average assignments I handed in last week had a wager of 70%.

I am so dead.

That's it. No more games. Go and study Khairatul Azwa!!!

And btw, about the past posts on "The Other Guy", I just want to say that I did not have an affair. I did not cheat on him. At least I don't think so. And I don't need your judgement, just your listening ear. Its the sort of situation where if you keep it in all to yourself for some time, you're bound to explode. And I didn't ask for any of the thoughts/feelings I had. They just happened. Some may say that I didn't even try to resist them, but God knows how hard I tried and kept having the "devil vs angel" feud in my head for weeks.

Anyway, just needed to have that cleared out.

I'm reading on OCD now and I must say, I do recognize some symptoms as my own. Haha. Nothing serious though, like for instance, having repetitive intrusive negative thoughts that produce anxiety. The only difference with me is that I don't act out to reduce the anxiety, thus concealing any obsessive-compulsive behavior. Which, according to Wikipedia, is normal.

Thank you, Wikipedia.

As you may notice, I'm currently writing more than usual. Which means I am BORED. I HATE studying. I wonder how my tribespeople are doing..? I haven't checked on them in like, 2 hours. I wonder if they've finished that tower. As soon as they're done, I'm gonna take them out on the Great Ark and search the horizon for another island just so I can start all over again.

Its a stupid game and I'm addicted.

Salvation

I am so glad That Guy is out of my mind. Once I saw him face to face, it was like, snap.

I completely realized how good I have it with Asrul.

No offense to That Guy, but he will never replace Asrul's place in my life. Not that I had any intentions to have him in my life as anything more than just someone I know, but I got pretty worried when I was constantly thinking of him.

But that's gone now. Thank God!

I think I just needed to see him once I got back from London. It's been such a long time. And that's as far as it goes for me and him.

Asrul is just being so cute, funny, and lovely in every way. I'm so lucky to have found him. I will risk being the ditzy blonde right now and say that "he might be The One". Hehe.

=)

I should really start studying. I am way too relaxed right now and then I know when the exams are near, I'll turn into this complete nervous wreck. Seriously, I'm amazed how I'm still ahead of the game right now. Some guardian angel I must have..!

I miss Ezzura. We haven't hung out in ages and some part of me is worried that by the time we do have time to spend together, we'll be totally different and awkward. I miss having the wild nights and long talks that end when the sun rises. Okay, so we haven't really had any "wild nights" out but it always is exciting whenever I'm with her.

Yuck, I sound so gay right there.

Anyway, I just don't want to be one of those people who are so dependent on their boyfriend and can't get back into the social world without the boyfriend on one arm. But yesterday me and Asrul went for a movie with his classmates and it was pretty awesome. I liked having other people to talk to for once but then also having him nearby to pull me out of an awkward situation or back me up when I get teased.

Oh, I almost forgot. Today is our 2 year anniversary! Haha. I guess we're so used to each other that it just slips by. Its okay, I don't mind not doing anything for our anniversary. Having him is a big enough blessing in my life. We did wish each other just now and all that romantic crap. I'm turning into a non-romantic girlfriend, how he did that to me is beyond me.

All I know is that I love him so so so so so much. And that I have to study my brains out for another week. Next semester is my last and I just can't wait to graduate! More importantly, I can't wait to work and earn money that I'll piss out on clothes. Topshop, here I come!

Before I forget, I might be getting a car next semester! Omg, x sabarnye!!!

I'm thinking of either a Persona or the new Kembara model. I kinda like having a small jeep. I want to tower over other little people on the road..! >=)

I am so happy right now. God, please make it last.

Mungkin aku pernah juga merasakan cinta
Tapi tak pernah seindah ini

<3

I will heal through what's left inside you

The title of this post is a line from a song I'm currently listening to. I'm having mixed feelings now that I'm not supposed to have cause life is near perfect right now, I should be thankful. Money would make it better but while I'm at it I might as well wish I'm king of the world right? Life is as perfect as I could expect it to be right now.

I'm ignoring some stupid fantasies I'm having. Get a hold of yourself la!

Anyway, this evening me and Asrul were hanging out at the mamak as usual, enjoying our new-found passion: Roti bom. Serious sedap! Berebut-rebut makan. Hehe. I don't know how we got to talking about it, but suddenly we were on the topic of my teenage years. Which are the most traumatic years of my life, I might add.

People who knew me back then would know what I'm talking about. The bullies, the backstabbers, the jerks taking advantage. I won't say that none of it was my fault. Maybe there was some things I could have avoided but being a stupid, stupid kid back then, I was just full of dreams and couldn't really see right from wrong. I'm saying this regarding the many boyfriends I had. Eventhough some of them were brief and probably won't even remember my name by now, at some point in my past, I really did care for some of them. And there were also those who I didn't really fancy but went along with them anyway due to pity and just tak sampai hati la nak cakap tak minat. Stupid kan I?

But the ones who really hurt me weren't the boys. Well, not really anyway. I'd say the bullies were the worst. And the ones who I thought were my friends but turned their back on me. They were the worst. They were so terrible, I had to change schools. The only people I knew back then were the bullies, the backstabbers, the friends who did nothing and slowly left me, and the friends who stuck by me but closed one eye when I was bullied. Could you really blame me for cutting school?

I don't know what is it about me that made me such an easy target. I don't think I was a loud, trouble-making teen. But you can never really evaluate yourself realistically back then now, can you? Going through my old diaries, I just want to go back to that time and shake myself. To tell myself to ignore those stupid, sad bitches and to leave the guys who never deserved me in the first place.

I still remember the things they said, the looks on their faces. Some used to be one of my best friends.

So many mistakes. So hurtful to look back on them. And things at home back then didn't make it any easier.

I told Asrul everything today. I mean, he knows I was bullied when I was a kid but he's never heard the whole story. By the end of it, he said he understands why I hated school and wished he knew me back then so he could protect me.

I'm glad how things worked out, though. I think I've been so lucky. And the future clearly shows that God is fair. I'm way better off than those bullies now and I'm finally happy.

Years have passed and I think that experience has really made me a stronger person. I don't take crap from no one. And I trust no one. I know it sounds bitter but I just don't want to risk getting hurt like that again.

I know he can do nothing about my past but I felt so much better after telling Asrul all of this. How supportive he is of me and how he still managed to make me laugh by the end of it.

Things aren't perfect between us. It can be at times but I just don't want to fully believe it. But whatever happens, I will always remember how he tried to heal me.