I Let It Fall, My Heart

How to trust again.

I've Googled that too many times than I can count. That, along with "relationship conflicts" and "how to forgive".

I came across a multitude of articles, most of which did not help as most said that "it will heal in time" and that I simply have to "forgive and let go". Easier said than done. And yet, there are days when we laugh and everything seems to be so much better than before and then there are days (like today) where I can't stop thinking about what he did and start to question him endlessly. At some point, he loses his patience and I lose mine and we end up having a 2 hour battle that ends with both parties crying and saying sorry and at that moment, all the things he says seems so hopeful, so believable, that I start to get better. And then give me 3 to 4 days and I'm back at square one, all torn up and distrustful.

So what did he do that was so bad? It was hard enough for me to tell my own best friend of 15 years, let alone gush it all out in my blog. It isn't so much the pain of the betrayal (though that hurts like hell) but it's more the shame that comes with it.

The shame that I believed the best in him, that I tried to convince anyone who would listen that he was a great guy that I love him so much, that we're happy and then he goes and do this. And the fact that I still can't walk away is the worst. I feel stupid and weak - and that's an understatement.

Sure, he's trying his very best to win me over again. He never says no, holds me when I'm mad and is patient when I sulk. But it doesn't feel the same anymore. The fact that he's sweet because he's trying to fix what he messed up isn't the same as him being sweet just because he loves me. And I just can't and I mean can't wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't know why he did what he did and despite what he did, he claims to love me with all his heart. It's crazy!

I tried to fathom why would he stay in this relationship after all we've been through, all the heartache and growing up we had to do together, why would he stay if not for matters of the heart. I can't find any other reason why he would stay if he wasn't telling the truth and its driving me crazy because you don't do what you did to the person you love, you just don't! Sigh. He is a complicated person. Why I still love him is beyond my understanding.

But one phrase in all the zillion articles I read stuck in my mind. That when you lose trust and have to learn to trust again, you never really see the person in the same light. Those rose-colored lenses are gone and it's more of a wide-eyed kinda trust that you give. And that's supposed to be better because you see the person as who he truly is and that's all that men want. For the girl he loves to really see him and accept him for who he is. I'm not saying I accept him even after what he did, but perhaps there's a reason why my feet feel stuck to the ground every time I try to walk away.

Maybe there is something I need to learn from this. Maybe there is a reason why I stayed despite you not keeping all your promises.

Even If It Leads Nowhere

I've made up my mind

Don't need to think it over

If I'm wrong, I am right

Don't need to look no further

This ain't lust

I know this is love but

If I tell the world

I'll never say enough

Cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do

If I'm in love with you

Should I give up?

Or should I keep on chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste

Even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?

Or should I keep on chasing pavements

Entah Mengapa Engkau Yang Aku Cinta

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku

Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku

Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta

Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagikuIni tidak adil

Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga

Tidak adil tidak adil baginya

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku

Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk

Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan

Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku

Dan aku memang penakut

Mengakui cinta kepadamu

Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan

Bila bersamamu

Kau bukan milikku

Dan engkau pun tahu

Kau bukan milikku

Happier Times

Girl : Will you miss me if I'm gone one day?

Boy : (Pause). Sure.

Girl : And what will you miss most about me?

Boy : Your negativity, your temper. Even though I hate it, I'll miss that the most.

Girl : (Smiles speechlessly).

Memories like these always come back to me when we're in a rut and it just breaks my heart.

He's My Favorite Martian

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray.

Okay, so I felt really pathetic and desperate, being the sad heartbroken girl, sitting on the floor in the self-help relationship section of MPH, reading this book. But I've got to say, this book saved my life.

It taught me what 10 years of dating and countless heartbreaks didn't teach me - the meaning of trust. Sure, I know I've always had trust issues ever since I could remember but to be honest, I can't really explain what trust is. For me, it was to believe my man didn't go out grabbing every girl he can but that's about all the definition of trust that I've got.

But John Gray (God bless him) here taught me that trust really meant believing the best in your partner. To believe that he can take care of himself, that he won't screw up a relationship he loves and to believe that he will come back when he leaves.

Which brings me to the rubber band theory of why men pull away, sometimes for no apparent reason. Seriously, it is now so much easier for me to let him go when I know he will be back with more love. And it doesn't bother me so much anymore when he's playing games on his phone all the time, even ignoring me when I talk. I know he's just in his "cave" and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or is just trying to be rude. It's just how men are. It is because they are different that they complement women perfectly.

And even though I might not be able to remember everything I've learnt from this book (especially when my patience is tested), all I have to remember is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Remembering our differences helps to put things into perspective and remind us that our loved one isn't deliberately trying to hurt us. It is just that Martians and Venusians think and communicate differently. It does not mean that he/she doesn't love you. In fact, now that I've read this book and reflected on our relationship, I now understand that all those annoying things he used to do were in fact his way of expressing his love (the Martian way) but I, a Venusian, didn't understand his Martian talk.

And then there was that chapter on how your past may affect you. It hit the spot for me, so much so that I actually wanted to cry and I have never cried while reading a book.

You might have noticed that I didn't spill the beans on what exactly did this book say about men and women and how to relate to each other. That's because I want you to go to your nearest bookstore and buy a copy. If you've been in so many relationships your whole life but end up disappointed or heart broken every time, then this book is for you. If you and your partner have been together a really long time but aren't really happy, then this book is for you. Don't be shy about buying a relationship help book. These books are written by relationship experts, wouldn't you want to know the secret to lasting relationships?

But of course, to read this book, you've got to find that special someone who you love enough to want to change yourself for the better. I'm glad I've found mine.

It Feels A Little Bit Like Dying

Okay, tajuk post pun dah drama gila.

Sigh. Anyway. I've always loved my job. Four years as a nursing student and for the past 7 months that I've been a registered nurse, I have never regretted entering this profession. But it feels terrible going to work with a heavy heart.

If I'm honest, I'd say a broken heart. But I'm trying to tone down the drama. God knows I've had enough with that.

So I go to work everyday envying those who are leaving their shift when I've just arrived and I count the hours till I can go home and cry into my pillow. Told you I've had enough drama.

We've been at odds for so long now, sometimes I don't even know what it's about. The only good thing about us right now is neither one of us really wants to leave. Sure, we've both had the "I've had enough" moment and ready to storm out, determined to never look back but then, barely a half hour later, we'd always end up saying we want to stay and work things out.

But I don't know how long that's going to last.

I miss us. The pair that always went to work together. He'd have my breakfast waiting when he's done his night shift and I'm on morning duty. I miss watching him draw. Those small, bony hands, quite unlike any other hands I've known. His eyes in deep concentration and then he'd look up and wink at me when he sees I've been watching. We'd smile at each other in between our hectic work and I always felt better knowing you were just right there. I walked to my car one night and saw that he'd left a note on my dashboard. I miss our webcam sessions. I miss us talking and laughing so much in the car, we got lost all the way to Pangsun. I miss you taking care of me when I was down with the H1N1 flu.

When I think about all our memories, they're so foreign now that I wonder if it was really a movie. If that girl really is me and is that really you.

No Need To Wonder What's Been On My Mind

Been up all night staring at you

Wondering what's on your mind

I've been this way with so many before

But this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise to go back to bed

I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me

Kick off the covers, I'm waiting

Every word you say

I think I should write down

Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here

Just happy to be here

I'm happy to know you

Play me a song

Your newest one

Please leave your taste on my tongue

Paperweight on my back

Cover me like a blanket

And no need to worry

That's wasting time

And no need to wonder what's on my mind

It's you

And I give up

I let you win

You win cause I'm not counting

You made it back

To sleep again

Wonder what you're dreaming

Forgiveness Is Not My Specialty. But, For You, I'll Try.

And after all that, I still can't deny how much I love you.

But don't screw up again.

Decisions, Decisions.

Text to mom : Morning, Ma. R u having dinner at Midvalley tonight?

Mom's text : U have to ask Papa. I'll go with whatever he says.

*sigh* (I already know where this is going)

Text to dad : Morning, Pa. R u having dinner at Midvalley tonight? If u r, I'll meet u there after work.

Dad's text : Ask Mama.(I told you)

*slaps palm to forehead*

Text to both mom and dad : See u at Midvalley for dinner after work.

If they can't decide, I'll decide for them. Done and dusted.

Perfection Of Your Face, Slows Me Down

You push me

I don't have the strength to

Resist or control you

Take me down, take me down

You hurt me

But do I deserve this?

You make me so nervous

Calm me down, calm me down

Wake you up

In the middle of the night to say

I will never walk away again

I'm never gonna leave this bed

So come here

And never leave this place

Perfection of your face

Slows me down, slows me down

So fall down

I need you to trust me

Go easy, don't rush me

Help me out, why don't you help me out?

So you say "Go, it isn't working"

And I say "No, it isn't perfect"

So I stay instead

I'm never gonna leave this bed

Take it, take it all

Take all that I have

I'd give it all away just to get you back

And fake it, fake it all

Take what I can get

And I can slow it out

Can you hear me yet

Try to stay awake but you can't forget

A comment from a youtube fan : "If I had Adam Levine in my bed, I would also NEVER leave this bed!". You have my full support.

After The Wake

Hello, I'm back and I don't know what to write.

Yes, that is the first thing that came to my mind the moment I clicked on "new post". My absence from the blogging world has been obviously stark for some people, to whom I would like to thank for the support. I truly appreciate my readers and it's for you people that I have gotten off my ass and put my fingers back to its out-of-practice typing mode.

Like all parts of the human body, writing skills waste away if you haven't used them in a while. I hope you will bear with me as I try to get back on my horse and back into creative writing.

The truth is, when you're this happy, you have no idea what to write. Yes, I have someone new and yes, some of you might think it's too soon and yes, a 3 year relationship was really hard to get away from but no, I have no regrets. No matter how happy I was back then, no matter how great making up after a big fight was, a part of me always knew it couldn't last forever and I held it heavy in my heart, like a lump of lead. As terrible as this sounds, I have to admit, the day we broke up, a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders and I felt that I could finally breathe again. As much as I wanted to make him happy, I had to make myself happy first and that unfortunately left him out of the equation. I know it sounds terrible but its true. And I know he'll be much happier without me, eventually.

And the honest truth of why I took such a long break from writing is... well, I couldn't bear to read about all our history in this blog. He's practically my main character, the plot to the whole blog, the beginning and the end. I even thought about starting a new blog, burying this one deep deep in cyberspace but then I thought, I like my blog. I actually developed my writing skills a lot in this blog and I love the background, the comments from my readers, the collection of lyrics I've put up. Why should I give all that up and start from scratch just because I gave him up?

So I waited until I could read all my previous posts without that twisted feeling in my gut, that sting somewhere in me that I couldn't quite point out. Don't get me wrong (and yes, I am talking to you, new boyfriend), I am happy now and I have no regrets about breaking up but like it or not, when you've been with someone 3 years, even after you realize both of you were not meant to be, it still messes you up. Maybe not quite the same if you were dumped by someone you love and thought the whole world of, but it was a whole mix of emotions that I can't even begin to describe.

I love my new boyfriend a lot. Like, a lot a lot. He's funny and kind and most importantly, he's patient and gentle. He might not think much of himself but I think he's just about the best guy I've ever known and I have known quite a number of guys. And he tops them all in almost every way. But you have to admit, it's just been 4 months into the relationship (coming into 5 months in May) and I had just 4 months ago broken up a 3 year relationship. I know you expect me to recover almost as fast as I fell in love with you but I'm sorry I didn't go with the pace.

But I am all done now. You squeezed yourself into my heart and it's completely filled with you, I promise.

You make time speed up and slow down at the same time. It speeds up because I feel like I've known you for the longest time but then time slows down when I realize it's only been 4 months and I'm left blinking in surprise.

Flicker Of Truth

Surprisingly, falling in love and falling out of love isn't very different. Because, when it happens, you just know. And you also know that there's nothing much you can do about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having second thoughts. I wanted that break up and I still do. Don't ask me why, it's a long story. Whether I wanted it or not, I guess the grieving process is just the same. But I feel weird because I can't cry. I don't know why but I can't. I feel numb from head to toe and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I haven't been truly single since I was 16. It's not something I'm proud of, being the serial monogamist. Now that I'm alone... I guess I'm just at a loss at what to do. I don't know what is it I feel, when I'm alone.

God, I hate being emo.

Are you really here? Or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth.

I Don't Have The Strength To Stay Away

You make it hard to breathe

With every step you take closer to me

I am cold with every touch

And I can't fall asleep

I can't stand to be without you

Now that you've figured out who I am

I can't stand to look into your eyes

Now that I realize

You make me weak

You make me love

You make me want to scream your name at the top of my lungs

You make me shake

You rescue me

But most of all you make me

Complete

I am drawing pictures in your hand

And being away from you is something I can't stand

I feel your breath upon my cheek

You're my everything and my heart is yours to keep

I don't have the strength to stay away

Because I am falling more in love with you

Each and everyday

I can't stand to not be by your side

Now that I realize

You make me weak

You make me love

You know I'll stay with you forever

But that's not enough

Why I Love Being A Nurse

Ever since I was 7 and teachers asked that inevitable question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I always knew I wanted to be a veterinarian. One of my earliest memories is of me at about 3 or 4, where I wandered around the back alley of my old house in Kajang and heard kittens crying. I looked everywhere in that back alley for the source of that crying and found 2 kittens in the drain, still with its' placentas attached. They were wet, cold, and mewing those high pitched cries that still, to this day, make me wander off to look for distressed kittens.

I remember getting into that drain and it was quite deep too, it must've reached up to my neck, at least. But I've always been a tomboyish girl, so I scooped the kittens into the palms of my hands, placed them outside the drain and hoisted myself out of there. I took them home and asked my very disgusted mother if I could keep them. Suffice to say I did not get to keep those kittens and, after a while, my parents got so sick of me bringing home stray cats that they got me a cat of my own.

My childhood dream was to open up an animal hospital. Most kids abandon silly little ambitions like that when they hit puberty but by the time I reached matriculation at the age of 17, I still wanted to be a vet. There was only that short period of time when I was 16 and me and Ezzura wanted to be lawyers, simply because we thought it was hot to be wearing sexy, stylish, office clothes.

When I was done with my SPM, I got an offer from UPM for a diploma course in animal health and I was ecstatic. It was my dream come true but then, my mom persuaded me against it, saying that vets don't make it very well in Malaysia, especially in the government sector and I believed her because I've been to government animal clinics and it was no more than a shack by the roadside. It never hit me, then, that if I became a vet, I would be a government animal doctor. I was thinking more like Steve Irwin or all those other people who travel and document wild animals and treat them or rehabilitate them and stuff.

Since I wasn't sure what course I had to take to be the next Steve Irwin, I decided to go to matriculation while I thought things through. If I really wanted to be a vet, I could go on and do a degree in animal health, couldn't I?

It was when I was in matriculation that my dad introduced me to nursing. He showed me an article on the front page of the New Straits Times and, at the time, I had never even thought of nursing as a career choice. It wasn't that I hated nursing, it's that I've never even seen a nurse my whole life, except for the ones who came by in primary school and taught us how to brush our teeth right. Even then, it didn't register to me that they were nurses, qualified health professionals, I simply thought they were adults teaching us how to brush right.

So I did my research in nursing and was intrigued by midwifery. I was impressed that nurses could branch into so many specialties and so, I settled my heart there and then to venture into nursing and have never looked back since.

Sure, I still wander into every pet shop I can find, whenever I can. I can never ever resist pet shows and I intend to volunteer at the SPCA in the near future (I actually volunteered there once when I was 10). I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I see roadkill and I drive extra slow and carefully around my neighborhood, not for fear of hitting children, but for fear of hitting kitties.

As I grew up, I became more and more conscious of openly showing my affection for animals. I'd shy away from a cat I was about to approach whenever I see someone coming. I'd only talk to cats when no one's there. Yes, I do sound crazy and I'm aware of how it makes me look and that is why I stopped doing it in public.

And yet, nursing is the best career for me. Not only do I get to venture into the medical field, making a difference in someone's life everyday, but I also get to show affection. It may surprise some people to know how soft and gooey I am inside. Sometimes, when I read a sad piece of news in the papers, I'd have to stop and take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. It sounds stupid and I know how it looks like and again, I don't like showing this part of me.

Being a nurse, I like standing at the bedside of a patient, trying to comfort her not just through words, but through facts that I've learnt during my 4 years of training. When a patient is unconscious and the family is looking anxious outside, I am the first to ask the doctor if he's informed the family of the patient's condition and would he like to do it or should I? And while everyone is in the middle of chaos, rummaging drawers for syringes and medications, going through observation charts and past history, I'd be the one person standing next to the patient's bed, holding her hand and telling her it's going to be okay. That her vitals are slightly above average but we're doing everything we can, you're in safe hands.

I love nursing because it allows me to be kind without being judged. I can be a really shy and sensitive person but life has taught me to be firm and strong. That if you didn't have your feet planted firmly on the ground, people could just blow you away. Being a nurse lets me be that kind, patient person you can depend on, so different from my bad tempered, egoistic alter ego. It lets me be the person I want to be, versus the person that I have to be.

It's true what they say, you know. That if your heart's in the right place, you can never lose by doing what you love to do.

Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down - Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult.

Freedom Ain't Nothing But Missing You

What do you call that feeling, an emptiness so deep, you want to bury yourself just to get away from it? When you want to sleep and never wake up until everything's different? And yet, you have to put on a strong front, not just because the person you love most depends on it, but because your job requires you to do so.

I've loved him for so long, I've got so many memories of him that I can't imagine what it'll be like if I didn't have him. No matter what I feel, I can't imagine my everyday without him. There were times when I loved him so much, I'd watch him, trying to memorize his face. The way his cheeks crinkle when he smiles, that line between his brows, that mole under his chin. There was a time when I'd know his scent anywhere. Even though time has calmed me down a bit, settled me from a fiery passion to a comfortable familiarity, I still love him with all my heart.

So tell me how do you let someone go? When they flip onto their ugly side and you don't think you can stand the sight of it and then, just as quickly, they flip back and you're left wondering if this will ever work. And if it won't work, where do I even begin to piece my heart back together?

If you're reading this, don't ask me about it. This is the last thing I want to talk about with you.

Every Evil Has Some Good In It

The good thing about losing is you learn something new - Megamind.

I'm Not In It To Win It, I'm In It For You

While everybody else is getting out of bed

I'm usually getting in it

I'm not in it to win it

And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor

Flat like an idle singer

Remember winger

I digress

I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories

About a husband and wife

There's no happy endings

No Henry Lee

But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love

And we decide that it's forever

No one else could do it better

If it's love

And we're two birds of a feather

Then the rest is just whenever

And if I'm addicted to loving you

And you're addicted to my love too

We can be them two birds of a feather

That flock together

Love, love

Got to have something to keep us together

Love, Love

That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own

Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne

I wanna buy ya everything

Except cologne

'cause it's poison

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls

Mainly on the plain side and sing

'cause it is we can laugh we can sing

Have ten kids and give them everything

Hold our cell phones up in the air

And just be glad we made it here alive

On a spinning ball in the middle of space

I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in

I won't ask where you've been

'cause everybody has a past

When we're older

We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed

I'm usually getting in it

I'm not in it to win it

I'm in it for you

I Finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece

Tomorrow, 15 November, is our 3 year anniversary but we decided to celebrate today since I'm working tomorrow. I thought I'd make it a really cheap but fun date, so I borrowed my dad's DSLR and we went camwhoring in Putrajaya.

Weeks ago, when I first planned this date, I imagined we'd be going all over Putrajaya, taking pictures all the way. But the truth is, photo shooting is exhausting! And the sun sure made it fun. Our first spot took more than 2 hours already and we were both famished so we decided to go for lunch and a movie instead.

The photo shoot was really fun, especially since (straight) guys don't really like being the subject of camera attention and so, I got to be the model most of the time. I loved it but I would have loved it more if I wasn't so damn fat. Oh well, at least, if I got really sick, my body would have "extra baggage" to burn.

Later on, we had lunch at Johnny's Steamboat which was really really good! I can't imagine he's lived all these years and never had steamboat! At least his first steamboat experience was great, unlike his first time with pasta and sushi.

We decided that this year, we'd make our presents. I started out weeks ago but finished his present just last night, due to my being a professional procrastinator. I made him a huge valentine with cut out words and lots of our photos.

His present to me took me completely off guard. He had made me a movie and burned it on a CD. He stayed up late to do it, and I appreciate that so much, what with him being so busy with his studies and social life. The CD also came with my favorite bar of chocolate, a white Toblerone. Anniversary or not, you can never go wrong with this chocolate!

When I reflect on the past 3 years I've been with him, I feel so much love for him, I don't even know where to begin to express myself. I don't think I can ever show him how much I love him and so, he will never truly know. I can be a real pain in the ass, and while he can be too, I've got to say that I pick fights way more than him. Not only does he stick around, he loves me all the same.

All I've wanted ever since I was a teenager, was to find someone who would love me and make me feel special. I've found him now and if I had known it would be this awesome, I would never had let myself fall for anyone in my past, not ever.

Mad Woman, Bad Woman

Easy come, easy go

That's just how you live

Take, take, take it all

But you never give

Should've known you was trouble

From the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open

Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did

To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause

What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for ya, baby

But you won't do the same

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb

Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from

Mad woman, bad woman, that's just what you are

Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

If my body was on fire,

You'd watch me burn down in flames.

You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby

But, darling

I'd still catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I'd jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all of this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for ya, baby

But you won't do the same

The Brain And The Heart

Me : nanti I first gaji, jom pergi Sunway Lagoon! Or nak pergi Melaka? U cakap je nak g mana, jom kita pergi!

Him : no la u, first gaji u simpan dulu k, next gaji baru belanja..bagi u financially stable dulu, okay?

I told you he's so very reasonable. When I reflect on the things he says, I wonder why do I have my head in the clouds so much?

He's the brains of the relationship, while I am the heart. Well, unless you're talking about career and studies, whereas I am the brain and he's the heart.

And like those two vital organs, one can't be without the other. Well, the heart can live without the brain but the brain can't live without the heart. So I would very much prefer to be the heart.

Heart or brains, if I ever catch you lying again, I'll rip both of yours out.