I'm Just One Of Those Ghosts

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
And it might not be here where I feel safe

We all learn to make mistakes
And run from them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles

Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run to them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away

And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

If We Ever Meet Again

For the past week, I've been watching the series Mercy everyday, sometimes up to 3 episodes a day. Not a big surprise I guess, since the series is about nurses so I can really relate to the whole story, even if they make me wanna cry each episode.

Today's was about a man who woke up from a coma after 10 years. My favorite nurse in the series, Veronica, had to re-introduce him to the world, tell him what's been going on in the past 10 years. She told him about i-phones, Twitter, Facebook, Obama, and the 9/11. He was shocked at how much the world has changed but, after 10 years, he remembers the girl he's been going out with for 6 weeks before the accident that put him into the coma. He remembers his dog, his family. And he remembers all the things the nurses has been saying around him while he was unconscious.

Another point of today's episode is about things you've always wanted to do but couldn't. One of the nurses, Sonia, moved in with her boyfriend and someone reminded her that she's young and she should do stuff she wants to do before settling down.

Well, that one's easy. What have I always wanted to do? I want to go skydiving. Bungee jumping. I want to go to Disneyland and go on the most terrifying roller coaster. I want to go to Paris and stand on top of the Eiffel Tower with the man I love.

I guess that's all, the things I've always wanted to do, and I'd prefer doing all that before settling down. Marriage is a huge deal for me, even my relationship takes so much hard work, I can't imagine how stressful marriage will be for me. Granted, there will be many perks that will make all the stress worth it and I will (hopefully) be more mature then so I guess I'd handle it better than I think I would right now. Which is why I do not plan to get married at any age before 25. Only 3 years left, oh. my. God.

So anyway, what's the other thing? Oh yes. If my lights went out tonight, what would I remember 10 years from now?

1. Asrul will always be number 1 on my memory list. Sure, I'd still remember my family because I've had them my whole life, but I think my heart would really wonder about Asrul the moment I wake up. I'd remember his stupid jokes that would make me laugh no matter how pissed off I was. I'd remember how much he loves chocolate. I'd remember us both going on air on FlyFm's flirty at 10.30 on the 1st of November, 2007. I'd remember the night when he first broke us up. I'd remember his smell, his eyes. I'd remember London and how I wished every minute that he was there with me.

2. I'd remember Earth Hour. How my mum would read from a book for me and my dad. I'd remember all the advice my mum's given me about my love life. And I'd remember how easily my dad accepted Asrul, despite what we've been through, and how grateful I am for that.

3. I'd remember The Fight I had with Ezzura. The one that put an end to our 15 year friendship. I'd remember the reason for the fight, the things she said, how hurtful it was and how I felt when I woke up the next morning. I'd remember how I think about that everyday but don't say a word to anyone, not even Asrul. I'd remember the day her mother passed away, the day I left a terrible relationship and seeked refuge at her place for what seemed like weeks. I'd remember how she would lie beside me and just watch me cry and at the end she said "air mata kau banyak gila kan". And then she put on Hilary Duff's So Yesterday and we sang along as we jumped on the bed.

4. I'd remember that as of right now, I have exactly 9 weeks left of university. I'd wonder how my research went and please, if I do wake up 10 years from now, don't tell me I didn't graduate. I'd go crazy and kill myself. Be nice and make me a fake degree.

I think that's all, can't think of anything else. It's already 1 a.m. and I promised myself I would go to bed at midnight, the very latest. I haven't even ironed my uniform yet. Gotta be up early tomorrow and get going on data collection, which I hope will be the very last round tomorrow. And then I'm on evening shift at the ward until 9 p.m.

Why is it that Friday is so close to Sunday but Monday is so very far from Friday?

Leave Me With Some Kind Of Proof It's Not A Dream

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing

That Hole in My Heart

At least that was what I thought we were.

I'll let you in on a secret nobody tells you : that fighting with your best friend feels a million times worse than any argument with your boyfriend. And I'm not talking about that "best friend" label people put on someone they've known for barely 3 months. We were never like that.

And just like she wasn't any regular best friend, the scars she leaves aren't regular either. What I felt, that anger, it was just so overwhelming. It was the kind of anger that burnt so bright and fierce and left nothing but a hole surrounded with hate and hurt. That is all I feel right now. Hate and hurt. Yes, those two are best buds too.

There is no room in me to even begin thinking about forgiveness. I just keep imagining the worst things, but they don't make me happy either. I've been thinking lately, that maybe we've outgrown each other. Maybe we're just not nine anymore and our fights can't be solved with ice cream and Super Ring and doodling around in a diary we both shared. All those days we spent hours talking under the tree at the end of the school field, that's all just a distant memory. We're different people now.

A text from Asrul at 9.27 a.m.
"I luv u baby..no matter wat, u ade i k.. Syg u :-)"

Thank you daling. I needed that more than you'll ever know. You're one of the few best things I've got going on in my life right now.

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

You Found Me

So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe

And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me

Lighting Up The Sky

It has been a tough road for us but then again, nothing good comes easy. All that doubt and fear I had when we broke up, I decided to take a chance and make that leap. I don't care if people think it's a mistake, us getting back together. I love him, he makes me happy and I want to know that, whatever happens, we have both tried our very best.

It doesn't matter what the future holds. Right here and right now, he is my favorite person and my everyday companion. He makes me feel better about everything I hate about myself and all the little bits I love, it's just magnified in the reflection of his eyes to mean a whole lot more.

I heard from somewhere that a relationship is like a bridge. You've got to build from both sides and meet at the center for perfect balance. I realized then, that I haven't been doing my part. He was so tolerant of me, of my tantrums and mood swings, while I was demanding him to be perfect. It's time I built my end of the bridge and start reaching out to him if I want that balance. I am trying so hard my dear, I only ask you to give me time to suppress my ego.

I realized, how much he meant to me, while he was gone. Out there in that forest of a single world, it all felt too different without him. Everywhere I went, I wished he was with me. Every meal I ate, I wished I could share it with him. Sure, it can be argued that feelings change with time but what if I'm letting love just slip out of my hands for no reason at all other than the fact that I was too afraid to commit?

The day he said goodbye, I realized what a fool I've been. How blind I was that I couldn't tell diamond from glass. So I asked him for one more chance and was surprised at how fast he said yes. How easy it was for him to forgive me. It all made me want to cry at how stupid I've been.

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me' "

I owe him so much. Love, forgiveness, honesty. And he's never even asked me for any of that, never brought up my mistakes to make himself look good. What more can I ask for?

I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will start building my end of the bridge.

Thank you for teaching me that while sparks don't last, love and trust does.

Wrath

When I love, I love with a passion. The opposite feeling is also true for me. When I get mad, it is with a ferocity so strong, I could just kill somebody. And no, sometimes my anger makes no sense to other people. But it is very real for me and that matters a lot to me.

I don't know how to deal with anger. It builds up so badly inside me but how I express it depends on who I am pissed at. As a rule of thumb, the more I love the person I am mad at, the more fiery my temper. Disappointment and rage don't mix well.

For someone who isn't worth my time, the dead look and silent treatment is enough for me to show how upset I am. For someone I have to respect but would rather not, my answer will all be in one word syllables and I'd avoid him/her at all costs.

For someone I love... well, I'm sorry to say I treat my loved ones the worst when they've made me angry. But hey, for someone I love, my tolerance is pretty high. I'd let them get away with most things. Until it reaches a breaking point that I can't stand anymore.

And then comes the screaming and the yelling and cursing and silence for days.

If you try to reassure me when I'm mad, you will only succeed in annoying the heck out of me. But if you ignore me when I've made it clear I'm upset at you, you will only make me that much angrier at you. Yes, nothing you do is right when all I want to do is kill you.

But I have never been one to hold a grudge. The peak of my anger can drop all the way down to the negatives in merely a few hours. I'm a sucker for apologies, as long as you've said sorry way before I suggested it. I do not accept apologies once I've said, "the least you can do is to say you're sorry". That is an indicator that it is way too late for sorries.

As much as I'm a sucker for apologies, I hardly ever say I'm sorry. Yes, I am egoistic. A polite "sorry" is fine if I've bumped into a stranger's soup bowl that tumbled down her skirt, but conflicts with someone I love... it makes you feel good about yourself to play the victim and that you are always right. Plus, I always cry when I apologize. Because real apologies come from the heart. And I hate crying in front of people, no matter who that may be.

I may put up a strong front. I may not look at you, I may glare at you when I accidentally make eye contact. I may complain about you to other people and my heart may burn with hate.

But really, when you are someone I love, that soft spot I have for you... well, let's just say that when you get into my soft spot zone, your spot is reserved for life.

Wake Up, Nurses

Praise be to Allah (God), the Teacher, the Unique, Majesty of the heavens, the Exalted, the Glorious, Glory be to Him, the Eternal Being Who created the Universe and all the creatures within, and the only Being Who contained the infinity and the eternity. We serve no other god besides Thee and regard idolatry as an abominable injustice.

Give us the strength to be truthful, honest, modest, merciful and objective.
Give us the fortitude to admit our mistakes, to amend our ways and to forgive the wrongs of others.
Give us the wisdom to comfort and counsel all towards peace and harmony.
Give us the understanding that ours is a profession sacred that deals with your most precious gifts of life and intellect.
Therefore, make us worthy of this favoured station with honor, dignity and piety so that we may devote our lives in serving mankind, poor or rich, literate or illiterate, Muslim or non-Muslim, black or white with patience and tolerance with virtue and reverence, with knowledge and vigilance, with Thy love in our hearts and compassion for Thy servants, Thy most precious creation.
Hereby we take this oath in Thy name, the Creator of all the Heavens and the earth and follow Thy counsel as Thou has revealed to Prophet Mohammad (pbuh).

"Whoever killeth a human being, not in liew of another human being nor because of mischief on earth, it is as if he hath killed all mankind. And if he saveth a human life, he hath saved the life of all mankind." (Qur'an V/35)

Lately, I've been feeling really frustrated and disappointed at seeing the very worst of my own profession with my own eyes. Frustrated because I can do nothing about it and disappointed because it is my own profession, the profession I have defended and talked so proudly of and here it is, the very proof that what everyone's been saying is true.

I will not bad mouth people here on my blog and I know it will do me no good, so I will say here, the things that I will and will not do as a nurse. I feel very strongly for this and I hope that, when I qualify and practice as a nurse for years to come, I will still be aspired to be the best and not lack little by little as time passes by.

I will not

Depend on others to do my duties. I will ask for help if needed but I will make sure the job is done and done right.

Be responsible for bed sores on my patients. I will do my best to prevent them from arising on bedridden patients or those with limited mobility and for patients who already have bed sores, I will do my best to heal them and prevent further infections.

Gossip or talk ill of my patients or their relatives. Everyone has a good and bad side and we can't really say, can we, that we won't act the very same if we were in their shoes?

Meet my needs first before my patients. This includes hanging around talking and eating and just plain lepaking while my patients have so many needs to be attended to.

Raise my voice or threaten my patients or their relatives. Seriously lah, tak malu ke? If the situation is really that bad, what's keeping you from just walking away and coming back after everything's cooled down?

Call out to a colleague by screaming and shouting for him/her unless it's in an emergency situation. Yes, I do believe in Nightingale's theory about the environment. Besides, I myself can't stand all that noise so why should the patient?

Be fussy over small things like documentations and stupid ward curtains or call bells. Yes, the organization and tidiness of a ward is important. But only after all the patients' matters are settled and they are comfortable. Please don't bother me about petty things like these when I have other important things to do. Prioritize, people.

Take the sterility of a procedure for granted. Take all the shortcuts you want. I understand now, the pressure of time and a heavy workload that falls on a nurse. But that is no excuse to put innocent people at risk. Remember the first rule : Do no harm.

I will strive to

Keep a professional manner. Always say please and thank you. Be there when the doctors make their rounds and don't be afraid to say anything about the patient that they don't already know. If you know the patient has a complaint but is not confident to say so, voice it out for the patient. Be the patient's advocate.

Collaborate with my colleagues and other members of the healthcare team. That is the best way to earn respect. Show your interest and people will show interest in you.

Share my knowledge and correct any misconceptions I have. It is through our own ego that we do not update ourselves on the latest practice and by turning a blind eye, we are really abetting to a malpractice.

Keep my patience. Nursing is most challenging for me because I am such an impatient person. The people who know me best know how temperamental I can be. But I have to remember that I can't and I won't lose my temper on the job. Do it when you get home. Scream in a pillow, rant at your boyfriend. But in the ward, take a deep breath, pull a straight face and do what you have to.

Not be influenced by others who hate being being a nurse. I chose this profession and I love being a nurse so you can do what you want and I can do what I want. They may not be the same things but do I look like I care?

Have a reason and rationale for everything that I do and not just being a hand-maiden who carries out orders blindly. If you're not sure, ask. Real fools are afraid of looking like one. If it really is a stupid question, then we'll all have a good laugh, won't we?

Read up on my patient's disease and treatments so that I'll actually know what the doctors, physiotherapists, pharmacists, and dietitians are talking about.

Keep my spirits up. Really, what I'm dreading the most right now is that when I am in the real working world, I will turn into the kind of nurse I hate right now. I really really really don't want that to happen. I've heard the saying that if your intentions are pure, insyaallah, your heart will stay pure. I believe in this but yet, this fear is still in me. On the bright side, at least this fear will keep me on my toes and keep me from slacking. But I really hope the working world will not be too harsh on me.

I will have my good days and bad, as will everybody, but I hope I can still practice all this that I have written and not just forget about it when my first pay rolls in and I realize that a nurse's pay is peanuts compared to the amount of work we do.

I also believe that if a person stays in a position for too long, he/she is bound to slack off. And that is why I intend to stay as a staff nurse for a maximum of 4 years, and I will not get married and have children while working as a staff nurse. I know I will just crack under all that pressure. No, I will move on to my masters as soon as possible, be an academician who also collaborates with the service side or vice versa. I really want to be a top matron who does ward rounds and overlooks nursing care while going in to teach nursing students 2 or 3 times a week.

I will be different and I will exert change. Please God, grant me this wish and give me the strength to reach the top. Amin.

Work Hard, Play Harder

I haven't written for quite some time now, have I? Well, apart from the fact that I'm dead busy that I don't even have time to pee anymore, I've also been feeling so many feelings lately, that it's hard to articulate. Also, I've been treading extra carefully now, wanting things to work out just right.

Okay, reality check.

I'm now in my 3rd week of nursing management clinical posting at a medical ward and I am just so exhausted. I wake up at 6 am every weekday, sometimes even 5.30 am and then I need to be at the ward by 7 am and work non stop till 2 pm. After 2 pm, there's the discussion session and passing over of patient reports that can take up to 4 pm. I've even experienced days where I couldn't find time to sit down from 7 am to 4 pm, except for the 15 mins break at around 11 am. Crazy, huh?

And I predict I'll be even busier by next week since my research has just gotten approved by the research ethics committee yesterday. What's my research about? It's called A Study on Violence in Dating Relationships Amongst Late Adolescents in UKM. Yes, students aged between 17 - 21 of UKM Bangi, here I come. I really hope to finish data collection by next week, it's just a simple survey, so I can get moving on the write up. I'm currently polishing up chapters 1, 2, and 3 to speed things up.

Okay, boring boring. But of course, my life wouldn't be complete without a bit of fun. Last Thursday, my darling boyfriend's study loan came rolling in so he took me out, rich boy style.

;)

We went to One Utama, searching for my favorite chili cheese fries at Carl's Jr but they were sold out (wtf?!) and I sulked at that so he treated me to KFC's cheezy wedges (with extra cheese!), cheesy chickaroni, and an oreo McFlurry. He knows how much I love cheese and I really can't figure out why he loves to watch me eat. I eat lots and believe me, it ain't pretty.

We browsed around OU and I found so many dresses that would go with this year's nursing dinner theme but my mom has yet to give me some cash so I'll just have to come back some other time. But I saw a shirt I really liked and he bought it for me.

=)

And he also bought a shirt I picked out for him at Romp. Then we headed to Murni in SS 2/2 for "dinner". It was more like supper. His Nasi Goreng Maryland was awesome and I couldn't finish my Nasi Goreng Soft Shell Crab so I packed the leftovers and had them for lunch on Friday. Seriously, the food portions there are HUGE. I should know, I eat like a cow on fire.

Saturday he took me out for lunch where I finally had my chili cheese fries and then we bought midnight tickets for Alice in Wonderland in 3D and I took him shopping again. I've never realized this before but I think he loves shopping just as much or maybe even more than I do. I was dead tired but he was going in and out of every shop we passed. Oh, and he doesn't want to look at girl's clothes. Ye la, nanti kena belanja kan? =p

He bought yet another shirt and then we watched Alice at 12.30 am which ended well past 2 am. I was so tired I could fall asleep on my feet but still we headed over to a shop near Leisure Mall Cheras where there's this awesome satay stall. But the stall was already closed so I had nasi lemak ayam instead.

Sunday I was awakened by his call, inviting me to Sg. Congkak with his family. I went but really, I've been dreading the time when I'd have to face his parents since the break up. His parents weren't mad at me, they even tried to convince him to get back together with me but still... malu lah. But things worked out okay and I even met some of his cousins for the first time, which was great. After Sg. Congkak, we hung out at his house and later in the evening, his cousin took us out for a movie at Leisure Mall Cheras. I would usually protest at being taken out for an outing in my own backyard (ye la, nak bawa jalan-jalan, baik bawa jauh-jauh terus) but then again, orang nak belanja.

>=)

We watched Niyang Rapik which I thought was a total flop and Liyana Jasmay isn't even pretty, but it was nice because we shared a Baskin Robbins ice cream and a 1901 hot dog. I told you, we're rich boy style now. Hehe.

*Deep breath*

I've gotta stop. Sometimes I take things for granted and forget the fact that I'm using his study loan, which is meant for his STUDIES. So I shouldn't make him pay for so much and I already feel guilty now, for saying I want this and that and then saying yes to everything he offered. Yes, it may be true that this is his way of making it up to me because I've been paying for most things for the past 2 years or so but I think it's exactly because of the fact that I've been the one usually paying for stuff, it feels weird now that I don't need to get my wallet out. It makes me feel guilty, in some way.

But not guilty enough for me to borrow some cash to buy this dress and a pair of patterned stockings.





I absolutely adore the dress and I've been looking for a pair of socks exactly like these! Somehow, the ones I saw in shops all over the place weren't at all the same as the ones I saw on E! Buzz, I think it was the one on DKNY's runway show or something.

Yes, I do not even have the money to buy conditioner, but where there's a will, there's a way.

=)

Learning How To Love

I’m saying sorry in advance
Cause this won’t always go to plan
Though we don’t mean to take our love for granted
It's in our nature to forget what matters

How when the going is getting tough
And we’re all about giving up
Things that we never thought we’d gonna say, gonna say them
Things that we never thought we’d play, gonna play them
It ain’t perfect, but it’s worth it
And it’s always getting better
It’s gonna take some time to get it right

Cause I’m still learning the art of love
I’m still trying to not mess up
So whenever I stumble let me know
You need to spell it out
You need to spell it out for me
Cause I’m still trying to learn the art of love

If I forget to get the door
Remind you that you’re beautiful
I know my detail requires more attention
If I ever hurt you it’s not my intention

Cause we’re gonna make our mistakes
Find out how much your heart can take
But I know that you got my back
And baby I got yours

Sometimes I’m gonna miss
I’m still learning how to give
I’m not giving up
I’m still learning how to love
Learning how to love

Life After You

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a girl with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

Goodbye, Love

I know you need to get over me. I can't stand seeing you so sad. The only reason I thought we could be friends was because I wanted to help you through your grief. But I was wrong, I only made things worse.

So goodbye, to late nights on the phone. Goodbye to movies every weekend. Goodbye to bringing you to restaurants I loved but you hated but pretended to like anyway. Goodbye to public displays of affection you were cautious of at first but then couldn't get enough of. Goodbye to mapping out our future together. Goodbye to going to pet stores and picking out cats together. Goodbye to planning road trips together, goodbye to Roti Bom evenings.

Goodbye, love.

"There is no use crying over someone who isn't mine. I need to make my decision and never look back".

So I kept my mouth shut, I want to make it easier for him to move on. He doesn't need to know how I feel, what I've been thinking. All he needs to know is that he has to be happy.

I want him to be happy, so much.

I cried all the way home, it was amazing how I could drive through those tears. When I reached college, I leaned round the backseat to get my bag and saw a folded piece of paper on the seat.

It was a letter from him. Saying goodbye. He couldn't give it to me in person, it was too painful.

I've never cried the way I did in the car tonight.

It feels like I've just died.