I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

Ever since last week, I have been thinking about so many things. I have become unsure of myself, of my relationship. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I can even trust him. Something happened that made me rethink my choices and if I've misplaced my trust.

I've always had trust issues. I find it very hard to believe in promises and I tend to over analyze situations to detect lies and inconsistencies.

I do not take it very well when someone promises change and then does things that show he hasn't changed very much. Even worse when he's doing it behind my back and then tried to avoid me when I question him and then upon admitting it, tries to find some lame fault of mine and make it his ultimate weapon.

Sure, I've broken people's trust before but at least I know how to be courteous about it and not find some stupid blame about the other person and make it look as if I'm so innocent. I may not say sorry as often as I should but at least I do not fake innocence.

What he did last week, and then something else that I found out today... it's made me so doubtful of him, sometimes I wonder why am I in this relationship anyway. Aside from the fact that I love him (how could I not, after being with him for almost 3 years), I really don't have any other reason.

When I was younger, I would agree that all you need in a relationship is love. Love each other and everything will be okay, you can weather the storm if you have love. But as I grow older, I've found out that love isn't enough.

You need respect.

Respect is what keeps you from hurting one another intentionally when you're so mad at each other. Respect is what makes you keep your promises because you truly believe your partner deserves that. Respect is what keeps you from cheating because you believe your partner is the best person for you.

It's not that I don't have respect in my relationship. It's just that it isn't enough. Or maybe we're both still too young to know how to work this thing right.

Oh, all I can say right now is that I am pissed. I am so mad at him right now. And what a great time for me to find out these things about him, when right after what he did last week made me think of all the qualities I want in my man.

That's right, it's a cliche but I feel like I'm done with boys. I want a man who will stand up for me. Who will be patient for me and protect me from jerks who steal my parking lot. I want a man who can talk to me about current events, even politics when I feel like it.

Just when I've been thinking of all this, and figuring out if he measures up to my expectations, he goes and do something stupid and I find out about it, thanks to Facebook.

I know I have some pretty high expectations. I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be honest with me and to keep his word. And I don't think what I want is irrational either. All I'm asking is for him to keep his temper when we're arguing and to behave when I'm away.

Is that too much to ask?

He goes on and on about how he's trying to improve himself for me but sometimes I ask myself this: If he really is The One for me, then why can't I just accept him as he is?

I really don't have the answer to that.

If I'm honest, I'd say it's obvious that I'm in denial and that we're forcing things to be all perfect and right between us again.

But you know why I'm doing this? Why I can't let go even though I know I can probably do better and he'd probably be a lot happier dating a girl who isn't so high maintenance, and I probably know we're gonna break up somewhere along the road because we have so little in common?

I am still with him for just one reason.

Love.

I wish there was a button on everyone that said "Remove from heart" so you can delete them the same, easy way you can banish them from your Facebook.