I Am Screwed Up Because

I'm feeling pretty emotional today. The answer to the why question is anybody's guess, since nothing major really happened. Anyway, they say putting your feelings into words can make you feel better, so let me vent on how I feel.

1. I think everyone's prettier than me. That's right, I'm talking about you, even if the mirror shows you, as a fat, pimple-plagued geek with braces. I think you'd be prettier than me right now.

It could be because I'm still recovering from a pretty bad flu and am just glad no one's here to witness my sniffing and hawking and my leaving a trail of tissues wherever I go. My hair really needs a visit to the salon. For rebonding and re-coloring. But what it really needs is to go to Yun Nam hair care. You could probably see my scalp from 10 miles away.

2. If I told you I weigh 100kg, would you believe me? Well, it seems like I'm making my way there. Today I had 3 slices of cheesecake (there's a whole cake in the fridge which my mom bought just for me), 1 for lunch and 2 for dinner. Had Special K with strawberries for breakfast and sushi for lunch and cooked tofu chicken and steamed vege for dinner, which I ended up eating alone because my parents had to go out.

I thought of going for a jog in the evening but then I fell asleep on the couch with the TV on.

3. I really, really want my life to start. Right now. What do I mean by "life"? I mean working and earning and living on my own. I mean going out with girlfriends whenever I want to and spending late nights out with my boyfriend. Sure, he doesn't really go out at night even when we had the option but you know what, it's just nice to know that you can. And I want my own money and the freedom to spend it and live my messy little life without being screamed at everyday.

4. I hate this stupid flu. I've been breathing through my mouth for 3 days now. It's tiring!

5. I check my e-mail everyday, twice a day. Once when I wake up, and one more time at night, in case someone decided to reply my resume in the evening. I've written to 5 hospitals, waited for 4 working days (excluding weekends) and still... no word.

6. I really regret telling my mum that I wanna join a gym when I'm a working gal. Now she goes on and on about how it's a sin to have to pay to exercise and today she went on about some guy writing to the papers about being harassed by the gym people because he wants to quit the gym.


Tomorrow I'm going to UKM Bangi to pay my convocation bills, then off to Shah Alam to see Asrul. We'll probably spend the whole day together. Saturday we'll probably go catch a movie. Sunday, if my pay is in, we'll head down to Melaka.

Pfftt. I still don't feel any better.

The Excellent Secret Keeper

That's me with my mama.

Today at my sister's birthday dinner, my sister opened her Thomas Sabo necklace which came along with a charms catalog. My mum was sitting next to me, then took the catalog and asked me to guess which charm she bought for my coming birthday.

"Ma, I want it to be a surprise!"

"I'm asking you to guess only la..! Ha, see..which one you like? I buy the most expensive for you, you know.."

Terharu sekejap. "Ermm..okay". So I leafed through the catalog. She paused at one page.

"It's on this page!"

"Oh really? Hurmm..something with a pearl?"

"No, papa picked a pearl one for you but I said it's too big, you won't like it".

"Must be something with diamonds then. Is it this one?" I pointed to a dragonfly shaped charm, encrusted with diamonds.

"No, not that that one! Guess some more". What a relief. It would've ruined the whole surprise!

"Ma, I don't want to know la!"

"It's on this page, look!". I could see her thumb pointing to a pink round diamond with a heart in the middle. I think it was that one but I pushed the catalog away quickly.

My dad was sitting next to my mum, listening in on everything. "You can never trust mama with a secret".

Note to self : Never tell mama something unless I want the whole family to know.

I can't wait for my birthday!

Being Unemployed Is Kinda Fun

Last night.

Girl texts : Esok I nak bangun awal la, nak g swimming. Kejutkan I kul 9, okay?

Boy texts : Okay..tapi I taw dah ape u akan cakap esok.

Girl texts : U ni..betul laa..I nak bangun awal la..kul 9..k?

This morning.

Finally dragged myself out of bed at 11 a.m., after hitting the snooze button every ten minutes since 9 a.m. There was a text from him at 10 a.m.

Syg..I kejutkan u dh lewat sejam ni..tak nak bangun lagi ke?

11 a.m. is actually early for me. I sleep till noon most days and I'm not ashamed to admit it cause I see no point in pretending to be the demure, homely girl every man wants to marry when I'm not like that at all.

Besides, I'll be working soon and won't be able to afford the luxury of waking up at noon, unless I'm on the night shift. I don't know where mothers get the energy to wake up at the crack of dawn and clean and cook and wash, but I guess the will of it all will come to me the day I get married. Or, the day I hold my own child in my arms. Or the baby will probably wake me up waayyyy before noon anyway.

Well, at least that's what I'm thinking.

So, my morning mission was swimming. Packed all my swimming stuff and toiletries. I've been waiting all week for my period to be over so I can jump into that pool and swim away the 100kgs I've put on since forever and today...finally.

When I got to the club, it was deserted as usual, save for a few workers who lounged on the upper floor and I silently hoped they would leave soon and not ogle me in my bathing suit. I saw them the moment I stepped out of the car so I decided to leave my sunnies on so I wouldn't have to look at them.

As I approached the pool, I saw part of a sign in red that said ON MONDAYS. The rest of the sign was blocked by the stairwell. My heart skipped and I thought, Damn it, don't let the rest of the sign say CLOSED.


CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE ON MONDAYS

Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

The pool looked crystal clear and sky blue anyway, I just don't understand why they have to close it for the whole damn day when it's so clean, it'd probably take 2 hours to clean.

I contemplated heading over to the Danau golf club at UKM but decided against it because the last time I went there, the pool was green and half the tiles were cracked and covered with moss. Besides, the pool over there is Olympic-sized but completely deserted and that scared me. The thought of showering alone in a huge locker room where most of the lights weren't working made me think of I know what you did last summer.

I don't fancy being murdered naked in the shower so I went home.

Just as well anyway, cause it turned out my sister wanted to use the car for an outing with friends since it's her birthday today. I felt it was awkward to wish her happy birthday up front (we're not that close) so I made up my mind to wish her during her birthday dinner tonight.

Her birthday present has been sitting on my mum's study for 2 days now and last night, I asked my mum if I could see it. I already know it's a Thomas Sabo necklace but I wanted to see which charm my mum got for her. Turns out, my sister found the present on the study before I did and opened it and resealed it cause my mum said the package was open and she thought I had seen it and I said I wouldn't open it without her permission because it's not even mine.

I love surprises and I strictly believe birthdays are fun because of the surprises you get on the day. When I was younger, we were living in a different house in Kajang, and my mum would hide my present somewhere in the house and when the time came, she'd tell me to go look for it and I would get so excited hunting for it everywhere.

I was a pretty good actress, rummaging my cupboard, looking under the bed, going through the stuff in the kitchen. Because I know exactly where she's hidden it. In the cabinet drawer of the bookshelf in the living room. How did I know that?

Because she hides it there every year.

This year, she's already told me what she's getting me. A Thomas Sabo bracelet. I got one for Ezzura's birthday and I was so excited for weeks before getting it, bugging my mum to pick the charms in the catalog, asking her if there was any chore she needed me to do so I can earn enough money to buy it. When I finally did get it, I was barely out of the car before I unwrapped it and showed it to my mum.

She took my enthusiasm to mean that I wanted one too. Well, I did actually, so thanks mama. It's not a surprise anymore but I don't know which charm she picked out for me so there will still be an element of surprise. I told her not to leave my present lying around (like she did with my sister's) because I want it to be a surprise.

My birthday is in 2 and a half weeks and already I can't wait. Yes, I am childish that way.

Stuff to do for today:

1. Hang out my mum's freshly laundered bedspreads.

2. Iron my parents' working clothes. There's a whole stack of 'em in the back room. I'll iron half today and maybe half tomorrow.

3. Watch Coraline and Desperate Housewives I've pre-recorded. In HD! Well, only Coraline is in HD but I haven't missed an episode of Desperate Housewives in almost a month and I just can't wait for the 2-hour premiere of season 6 on the 1st of August.

4. Eat lunch somewhere. I might just take my laptop and Wally Lamb's She's Come Undone and spend the rest of the day in a coffeehouse somewhere. That depends on whether or not my dad will hand me some cash. I busted out RM100 on the weekend, the book included in my splurge.

5. Help out with dinner. We're having a family barbecue tonight, using the electric grill my mum got free with her Treats points. Not sure how much help I can be in a barbecue so I'll probably just stick to making lemonade.

I only had bread this morning and already I'm hungry! I'd better do some ironing now if I'm gonna ask my dad for money to have lunch later. He just asked me why I'm using his laptop instead of mine and that I should get my laptop re-formatted.

He'd go berserk if he knew I've been looking at MAC and Sony Vaio laptops.

Behind Every Strong Girl. Well, Me, At Least.

Few nights ago, as I was driving home from work, I suddenly recalled memories of an old ex-boyfriend.

I have not thought about him like that in years. Sure, sometimes I would wonder where he is, with whom and what I would say to him if I ever saw him again but I hardly ever thought of all the old memories.

I suddenly remembered how he looked like. A roughed-up version of Anuar Zain, that's what I used to think of him. The first time I introduced him to Ezzura, she gave me the thumbs up behind his back. Meaning : he's gorgeous. And he was. I suddenly recalled every detail of him. That scar cutting across his left eyebrow. He was pretty short, though, I was 15 and he was 21 but we were about the same height. Guess I'm way taller than him now. But he was buff. I wondered if he had put on weight since then and is just a fat, short, 28-year-old somewhere out there.

But I recalled other things too. Things I'd rather not remember right now that I'm sober of all the emotions I felt that night. But there was one memory that stood out. One memory that I have not thought of in a long time.

We had photos taken with his brother's camera back then. I remember, when our picture was taken, I was mad at him about something. So I was sitting next to him when the camera focused our way and I tried to conjure a fake smile on my face when he suddenly leaned in and planted a kiss on my cheek. I was taken aback. I laughed and turned towards him and that was when the camera clicked.

The picture came out with both of us smiling at each other. I loved that picture. I cut out slits on the very last page of my school book and slipped that picture in so I could stare at it all day in class.

No guesses why I wasn't a brilliant student then.

So anyway, all these memories came back on that drive home from work. They didn't make me miss him or choke me up with tears or anything. But it all felt so... unreal. Like it was from a dream. Or a book I read somewhere.

When I got home, I rummaged through my old diaries, looking for that particular ex in my childish handwriting. I found nothing.

Nothing.

And then I remembered what I did with everything that ever had a trace of him. I tore out all the pages of my diary that had his name on it. I threw out all his gifts, photos, and momentos. I wrote his phone number on the back cover of my diary but even that was blanked out.

I really don't know why but it felt strange. To have all these memories of someone who mattered so much to me once upon a time ago and yet have no trace of him left. It was like he never existed. And that bummed me out. He felt like a dream and nothing more.

What's worse was, as I went through my old diaries, I relived most of my teenage memories. I hated being a teenager. All that uncertainty, that self-searching that never seemed to end. The back stabbing friends, the dream boy that was out of reach, the parents who never understood, the constant need to have peer support.

It wasn't a very good time for me. I read about the boys who lied to me back then. Sure, most of the boys I had crushes on noticed me but most of them did not have honorable intentions. And there I was, asking that same question again and again (Does he love me?), all the while over-analyzing the situation and creating my own misery.

I look back now and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Because it's just so obvious that none of them really loved me and, to be honest, all I wanted back then was to be wanted. It's just so pathetic that I feel embarassed by it now.

Then, I came across another book. I had quite forgotten about the existence of this book. It was just before I left for London. I wrote a 3 page letter to Asrul on the front pages of that book and he wrote in it almost everyday while I was gone. Sort of like a diary.

I've only read this book once after he gave it to me when I returned to Malaysia, and back then I was so busy and excited to be back that the words didn't really register to me. I read it properly again that night and could almost hear him saying all those words to me.

In it, he wrote about how much he missed me, how he loves me. He wrote about the problems he had while I was away and how he wished to tell them all to me right there and then. How he would see me everywhere he went in HUKM while he was doing his practical there and how it drove him crazy. How he would never, ever cheat on me. He would put little smileys in his letters, some sad and some happy, even one or two smileys with glasses on to make it look like him and that just made me laugh.

Slowly, hate and embarrassment I felt for my teenage self ebbed away. My need to find living proof of that ex that changed everything faded.

In one of his letters, he dedicated a song to me. I'm not big on Malay songs but this one really touched my heart.

Gadisku
Seri mewangi bagai disiram selautan kasturi
Gadisku
Terindah padamu kerna tak pernah meminta selain cinta
Dialah gadisku selalu
Tak peduli apa kata orang terhadapnya
Aku tahu dia gadisku
Tak peduli nista yg terlempar padaku
Dia tahu dia gadisku

And then I didn't care anymore about the past. I didn't care about the friends who bailed as soon as I needed them. I didn't care about the boys who I thought cared about me and who I thought I cared about.

Because all of that led me to him. He loves me for who I am today, despite of my past. And he is the only one of all the guys I've ever dated who doesn't want to know the gory details. The others probably got a cheap thrill out of it. But not Asrul. He can't stand the thought of me loving anyone before him.

But I think most of who I am today was shaped by my teenage experience, however horrible it was. It taught me many valuable lessons and though I am not proud of what I did, I most definitely would not wish my past to be any different. Well, I might tweak a few boring bits but that's all.

I have come so far since then. That girl writing in those diaries, she seems almost unrecognizable to me.

And that epic love story I thought I had? Turns out it's just beginning.

When's Life Gonna Start?

I've been really emotional lately.

Well, more than usual anyway. I don't know if it's the part-time job or the raging hormones (I was 2 weeks late this month, yet again), or just me being too worried about my future, as always.

Graduation isn't even here yet but here I am, worried that I'll be one of those graduates with nowhere to go. Every time I hear the term "nursing shortage", I just want to laugh.

Nursing shortage, you say?

"Hello, Prince Court, may I please inquire about available nursing positions?"

"I'm sorry, we don't have any vacancies right now but send in your resume anyway".

Okay. So I did.

"Hello, HUKM, may I please inquire about available nursing positions?"

"I'm sorry, we don't have any nursing positions available right now but feel free to fill up the application form".

So I did. Well, halfway anyway, my black ink pen died on me right in the middle of the form and I have yet to find another black ink pen. I'm not too hopeful on HUKM anyway, because they're offering diploma pay.

The day I take up a nursing job with a diploma pay is the day I grit my teeth and slap myself for not taking that stupid JPA scholarship because I was too damn lazy.

You know what? This is gonna sound soooooo cocky and full of myself but I'm gonna say it anyway because I am so anxious to get a job right now.

I know I'm a good nurse who deserves the U41 pay that I've worked my ass off for the past 4 years to get. I know I can make a difference in nursing, because I love this profession and will not settle for anything less than the respect and dignity that nursing deserves. I want to see this beloved profession of mine grow and be empowered and I want to be a part of that process. The fact that I can't even secure a nursing job, (and not just any nursing job, I'm a picky person because I want a place with potential to grow, not a dead end job that will keep me hidden in a ward as I grow sideways) just kills me.

Because I know I can do better than some nurses who don't even want to be in the profession. Who are getting along day by day just for the money and doing a mediocre job.

I'm not saying all nurses are like this, but I'm sure you've come across or at least heard of nurses like this.

It kills me that they are in the profession but I'm not.

I know I'm being stupid because I've hardly graduated but I hate waiting around for life to happen. As you all probably know by now, I'm not a very patient person.