Forgiving The Unforgivable

It's amazing how love can make you forgive someone. Simply because you don't want to lose them. Because you believe, even after how much they've hurt you, that they are a good person and worthy of your forgiveness and of your love.

I wasn't just the victim in my past love chapters. Many a time, I was also the villain. Maybe it was my insecurities playing up, or just sheer boredom, or curiosity that made me test the waters.

Unfortunately, some of my weaknesses still haunt me. But I don't ever want to hurt Asrul the way I hurt other people in my past life. It was mostly a game to us back then; you hurt me so I'll hurt you. I don't want any of that for him.

There was a time, back then, that I wasn't sure if he was the right one for me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I didn't want to truly commit myself. Up till now, I never wanted to truly believe we were meant for each other because if we're not, then I'll just end up heartbroken.

When I told him all this, his response was, "There was never a doubt in my mind that you're the right one for me". It was so honest that it almost made me cry.

We went through all our issues tonight. How I felt back then and why I did what I did. Even though he's told me before that he's forgiven me, it was hard for me to forgive myself.

Because I've never felt this way before.

I've never looked at a cute guy and not want to smile. I've never rejected flirtatious calls purely out of disinterest and not because I was afraid of being found out. I've never wanted to make someone so happy before.

A world without him is literally black and white. Like lyrics without rhyme. I know this because I've lived that world before. I lived it, I tried to be happy, I tried to move on but it always felt like I was leaving my right side behind.

I can learn to forgive myself, the same way I forgave him for his sins and defended him against anyone who didn't have faith in us. I can keep being his no1 supporter in his studies, inspiring his ambitions. I can tweak my future plans for him, weave my dreams around him to make sure he fits into my life.

But if I lose him, I'll never find someone I'll love as much ever again.

It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you.

Farhan Farhana

Back in matriculation, there was an English Drama Festival themed "To Be Or Not To Be". We were all divided into groups in English class and the best drama would then represent the class for the said competition. My group comprised of the six of us; me, Sai, Syaz, Naza, Yana, and Farhan, the only male of the group.

While mulling over what to write for the script, I thought it would be funny to turn all the girls into guys and the only guy into a girl. And so, Farhan Farhana was born.

I stayed up with Syaz till 4 a.m. writing the script and going over it line by line, thinking of who suited which character and all the funny lines to slip in. It was worth it, though, because that drama won at our class level and went on to represent the class of H6E1 for the competition.

I'm not sure how long the whole competition ran for but there were many rounds and levels, we went through each round and (to my awesome surprise) made it to the top 3. It felt like it was going on for months, there were so many rounds!

It was just the best moment ever when they announced who won second place and we automatically knew we won first place. We screamed so loud, my eardrums rang. It was super super awesome. All the late nights rewriting scripts, choreographing dance routines, constructing props, arranging the stage, finding and designing costumes, it was all worth it because now, we have memories to last us a lifetime. The big bonus is that the memory now includes winning first place.

Big thanks to everyone who helped out with this drama, not just to the people of H6E1 but to others who helped out and supported us, it would not have been possible without the group effort everyone gave.

Sai, saya ingat lagi awak cerita awak bangun tengah malam practice dance tu and roommate awak takut tengok awak menari dalam gelap and ingat awak kena rasuk ke ape, hahahaha

It was a long time ago but Syaz recently posted the video on Facebook and it's got me flipping through old photos feeling so nostalgic and grateful for having such great friends who gave me fond memories.

If you don't have anything to do for about 30 minutes, watch this drama, which I co-wrote and co-directed. It gets me laughing every time.

Farhan Farhana, Part 1

Farhan Farhana, Part 2

I make a pretty hot pengkid, no?

Growing Pains

This is my album, full of photos from my younger days up till my convocation recently. I intend to get a new one with more pages and to organize them chronologically or perhaps start a scrapbook when I have the time. But this will do for now. Since I love my readers so much, here's a tour of my album and hence, my life.

This is perhaps, the earliest picture of me since my parents' camera was broken when I was born. Or perhaps the whole excitement of a new baby wore off by the time they got to number 3 so here I am, my first photo at the age of perhaps 6 months or so. My mom claims my hair stood up like that all the time, like a permanent Mohawk. Rock kan saya?

I'm guessing I'm at about 8 months here. See those thighs? 22 years later and they still look the same.

My first big accomplishment! This is when I first learnt to walk. And I still have this particular coffee table in my house right now, waiting for my children to learn how to walk around it. Tehee.

My first birthday! Wee~ This was also my first studio picture and by the looks of it, you can tell I hated sitting still and smiling at the camera. The left side of this photo is actually my mom's hand holding me up, telling me not to cry as I was very close to tears (I probably bawled like mad afterwards).

My 2nd birthday! My mom's in her pajamas (I used to wake up freaking early, and I mean so early that me and my brother would turn on the TV and wait for the Negaraku song to start). In this picture, my brother blew out my candles before I could and I cried immediately after and my mom had to relight the candles. I was very garang, even back when I was a kid.

A year later and here I am at my 3rd birthday. My mom's album is full of me with my face smeared with chocolate, ice cream, and, as this photo demonstrates, cake. I was born with a love for food and all things fattening, no surprise as to why I still have my baby thighs. Whenever I see a kid too young to tell the time and yet wearing a watch, I would always remark that I don't see the point of parents buying kids watches when they don't even know how to tell the time yet and here I am, at my third birthday, wearing a watch that I have yet to break/lose/bite to pieces/thump my brother on the head with.

Four years old, at Sungai Congkak with my family and cousins. Saya takut-takut air masa ni. Sejuk!

Us three. Don't you just love it how kids can be so spontaneous in photos? If I pose laughing with my mouth open right now, I'd look like a retard.

Fast forward to the future. Me at 10 years old and my front teeth just grew and no, I am not yet aware that I look like bugs bunny. Poor little me. She didn't know she'd come to hide those huge chompers in each and every photo for the rest of her life. Also, my hair was as bushy as a squirrel's tail, right? I was yet to discover the joys of going to hair salons and Ezzura was yet to convince me to try DIY hair dyes.

Us at 13. I was always tall for my age and look at Ezzura's hand gesture over my shoulder. Patut pun phone casing dia devil. Nanti saya nak cari casing angel. See my peace sign?

Me and Ezzura, now at sweet 16. I would spend a lot of weekends at her place back then and it wasn't long after this photo was taken that her mother passed away. Al-fatihah.

Good friends are hard to find and I have been blessed with 3 such people during my time in matriculation and they have stayed on to be one of my best friends ever. Sai, Syaz, and Naza, may we stay friends for ever and may life treat you all well.

Sometimes I may moan and wince at the pains of life and cry over my troubles while at other times, it may feel like life is perfect and happy and complete. That is the beauty of life. After all, what kind of life would it be if we never learned from our mistakes? Especially when we look back at photos and see how far we've come, it's then that we realize we're all winners.

Not everyone gets to go from here

to here
And from here

to here

It's at times like these that I truly see and appreciate the efforts my parents put in in raising me and the friends that accompanied me throughout my journey. Oh wait, lets not forget

From here
to here

We are all truly blessed, aren't we? Alhamdulillah.

Dirty Confessions

1. I hate my body. I love my well-endowed front, but everything else than that makes me want to chop myself up and feed myself to the sharks. I've always felt this way, it didn't matter whether I was 50kg back when I was 16 or when I am the God-knows-how-many-kilos-I-am right now. I didn't even realize I was skinny way back then and thought everyone was pretty much insane for thinking I was too skinny. Well, now that I am cute as a hippo, I look back at my teenage photos in utter disbelief.

I'm trying to lose weight now but I know, even when I reach that target weight, after the elated victory subsides, I'm gonna start hating my body again. I really don't know why I'm like this or what to do.

2. I know I can be pretty sometimes but I think everyone else is way more gorgeous than I am. Look at all my friends, aren't most of them beautiful? I know birds of a feather flock together but I feel the ugliest of the bunch. I hate my huge front teeth, my balding hair, my freckles (thank God I hardly ever get pimples) and my super near-sightedness (I'll probably need Lasik in the near future) and how sometimes my eyes are so small, they can hardly be seen in a photo.

3. I can't handle numbers. I struggle with the simplest of maths and it makes me feel so stupid and I fear for my patient's lives. I will always have a calculator on me when I start working. I may be stupid but I do care not to let my stupidity kill someone.

4. Above all else, I hate my temper. My rage is so overwhelming sometimes, I feel sure that I will burst into flames. Which I probably will, later, in Hell, when I pay for my sins of hurting just about everyone I love. When I am angry, I can't listen to reason and whether you try to talk to me or not, everything is your fault. The only thing standing between me and murder is my faith in God, which I will be forever thankful. And also, after I've let out my wrath on someone, I then feel incredibly guilty but will hardly ever say sorry directly to you because I am so ashamed of myself and my huge ego.

5. I do not know how to relate to people. This has changed a bit since I entered nursing, I find it easier to talk to people and smile at strangers. But still, if it isn't in the name of nursing, I wouldn't turn to look twice at anyone and would mostly pass by people without a glance. People who don't know me call me stuck up, I know that and pretend not to care. But really. I find it difficult to make friends in a new environment. I just don't know the right things to say.

6. I have a strained relationship with my family. Enough said.

7. I have countless ex-boyfriends. Most of them was when I was a teenager and was trying to find comfort in a very lonely world. I really don't know who to blame but if you don't know my story, don't judge me just yet. I got cheated a lot and most of them left me and those who stayed, I left them for those who didn't. There were those who were abusive, there were those who lied with every single word they spoke, there were those who wanted me just to get their friends jealous. I've had too much of my share of rotten guys that I am amazed sometimes, of how I can still fall in love over and over again. Stupid much?

I know I have many things to be thankful for. Material things, as well as natural God given gifts that I have. I know that some of my good friends may counter what I say here with things that they love about me. But you know what? The truth is, I am so insecure that I'm practically keeping my arms around me just to keep myself from falling apart.

I know it's my fault for never being able to believe that you love me and only me. Given my history, my roots, my beliefs about myself, I really don't know what else to believe. How can you love someone like me without having the slightest itch for someone else?

I've had a rough night. I know that when I see him later today, I'll probably start crying all over again.

And I know right now I sound like someone who is in deep need of counselling.

Prayer For The Best I've Ever Had

Ya Allah, jadikanlah dia, Mohamad Asrul, dikasihi pada hati-hati mereka yang beriman dan gembirakanlah dia, Mohamad Asrul, dengan kekayaan sehingga seratus dua puluh kebaikan. Allah adalah sebaik-baik pemelihara dan Dia amat mengasihi daripada segala-galanya.

Aminn.

Flightless Bird

When I get married, I want my wedding video to be made with this song.

"Advice From Your Mama"

The Victor

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

-C.W. Longenecker-

This arrived in my e-mail today, from my mom, with the above title. Together with the following message :

Wishing all our children success and happiness! That life will treat u well most of the time, if not all.

Love,

Mama & Papa


Since I gave my mom my e-mail address a few days ago, she's been bombarding me with forwarded messages, mostly about general safety and once, on how to escape in case I got kidnapped.

But I love this e-mail the best.

Wedding Dreams

1. The nikah

I want to be married at home. I already have a vision, of the living room all cleared up and decked with light pink roses in vases, balls of pink roses hanging from the ceiling, 2 huge nikah pillows in the middle of the room and a Quran right next to one of the pillows.

I want him to khatam Quran before we are married, so he'll have to start reading a year or so before and on the wedding day, I want him to read aloud the last page to the imam, my parents, family and friends.

I want my whole family there, both sides, Malay and Chinese. I'll be wearing a light pink dress with flowers in my hair, my nails and toenails will be covered in inai, Ezzura will be by my side, holding a whole box of tissues that I'll probably finish within the first hour.

As soon as we're pronounced husband and wife, I'll kiss his hands in respect and he'll kiss my forehead with love and then there will be a whole lot of crying and hugging, and after all that, I want to take those corny pictures of us on the bridal bed.

Which is, in my imagination, the bed I am currently sitting on in my room right now.

I already have a double bed but I'll probably buy a wooden bed frame, a cheap one (the expensive 4 poster bed is for our very own place later on). I want pink roses scattered on my bed which will be wearing brand new white wedding sheets with a sheer veil above it. I'll decorate the bridal room with lots and lots of our pictures as a dating couple, just as a reminder of how far we've come.

2. The reception

I came across this reception at Tasik Titiwangsa a while back with Asrul. It's gorgeous, isn't it? I was so taken by it, that I want my wedding to be here at Tasik Titiwangsa. Except that I'll probably have it open-aired with dim lights and candles and lanterns and a live band. With real red roses at every table and on the wedding dais. It will be a white themed reception, with lots and lots of red roses, including the bridal bouquet (but I'll probably add something special to the bouquet to make it, well, special).

The wedding cake? Here I will have to pause and be pissed off for a while. I actually came across a wedding cake in Strudels MidValley and fell immediately in love with it. It was a 5-tier white cake and it was simply gorgeous. I snapped a photo of it using my hand phone with the intention of saving it to be made into a replica for my wedding but, thanks to a certain bastard still scot-free somewhere out there, my N97 mini is gone, together with that wedding cake photo.

I tried to google that particular cake but couldn't find it. No, I don't want any other cake! I want that cake! With the stubborn streak a mile long that I have, I now vow to look for that cake once more in MidValley, snap a picture and upload it immediately. Thank you, creator of Blackberry.

So, no picture of my wedding cake here. But my wedding favors? Here it is :


Wedding cookies! Comel kan!! I want it to be in the shape of my wedding cake, which will be a monstrous 5-tier cake. Wait eh, later I'll upload that wedding cake. I will kay. I will.

And finally, the one everyone's been waiting for...

Drumroll, please....

Isn't it gorgeous? I'll wear red roses in my hair and a veil trailing down my back, it's going to be lovely.

My estimated number of guests? I actually want no more than 100 but let's just keep it at an estimated 200, to be safe. I sure wouldn't want to leave anyone out and hurt people's feelings. But one thing's for sure, it will be a private event, so be sure to RSVP beforehand. I want seating charts and everything. It's gonna be a classy and intimate wedding.

3. The everything else

Bila dah settle wedding dress, macam tak tahu apa lagi nak fikir?

Hehehe. I want my honeymoon to be in Sabah. I'm not gonna demand a super romantic getaway in Europe because God knows I'll never be able to afford that (and I don't expect to be marrying a millionaire anytime soon). So all I want is a 3 day cruise from the Peninsula to Sabah, the only state in Malaysia where I've never been. We'll have to book early because I want to be honeymooning in Sipadan Island. A 3 day cruise on a ship, plus 4 nights on the island (snorkeling, diving, dinner by the beach) and a flight back home to reality. I'm thinking of a 2 week honeymoon but let's see what we can afford.

I'd better start saving up from now cause it seems like a very expensive wedding. And I also want our house to be completely furnished (or at least semi) and ready to move in by the time the honeymoon's over. I'm hoping for a semi-detached house in a nice neighborhood with a good school nearby.

I want 4 kids. And I've already named all the girls. I don't have any names for boys yet but I have a few vague ideas.

Ps/ My mum will probably squash my dreams because she actually suggested to me once, that maybe I'd like a traditional Chinese wedding for my side and then a traditional Malay one for Asrul's side. I'm all game for the traditional Malay on Asrul's side but I very much prefer the open-air, night white wedding that I have replaying in my head almost every night before I go to sleep.

Arrgggghhh. Dah dah. I actually tak sabar lah nak kahwin!

You Took Me By Surprise

Today me and Asrul got into a really heated fight in public. We went at it at the stairwell and I was ready to walk away for good when he grabbed my head and pulled me to his chest. I tried to break his grip and told him to let go but he was too strong for me. His tears fell into my hair and I could feel his heart beating against my cheek.

Just like that, my anger dissipated. I could actually feel the fire in me sizzling against cold air, leaving only traces of smoke and glowing embers threatening to disappear.

Thank you for never giving up on me, never leaving. Thank you for being the best when I am at my worst.