It's amazing how love can make you forgive someone. Simply because you don't want to lose them. Because you believe, even after how much they've hurt you, that they are a good person and worthy of your forgiveness and of your love.
I wasn't just the victim in my past love chapters. Many a time, I was also the villain. Maybe it was my insecurities playing up, or just sheer boredom, or curiosity that made me test the waters.
Unfortunately, some of my weaknesses still haunt me. But I don't ever want to hurt Asrul the way I hurt other people in my past life. It was mostly a game to us back then; you hurt me so I'll hurt you. I don't want any of that for him.
There was a time, back then, that I wasn't sure if he was the right one for me. I was so afraid of being hurt that I didn't want to truly commit myself. Up till now, I never wanted to truly believe we were meant for each other because if we're not, then I'll just end up heartbroken.
When I told him all this, his response was, "There was never a doubt in my mind that you're the right one for me". It was so honest that it almost made me cry.
We went through all our issues tonight. How I felt back then and why I did what I did. Even though he's told me before that he's forgiven me, it was hard for me to forgive myself.
Because I've never felt this way before.
I've never looked at a cute guy and not want to smile. I've never rejected flirtatious calls purely out of disinterest and not because I was afraid of being found out. I've never wanted to make someone so happy before.
A world without him is literally black and white. Like lyrics without rhyme. I know this because I've lived that world before. I lived it, I tried to be happy, I tried to move on but it always felt like I was leaving my right side behind.
I can learn to forgive myself, the same way I forgave him for his sins and defended him against anyone who didn't have faith in us. I can keep being his no1 supporter in his studies, inspiring his ambitions. I can tweak my future plans for him, weave my dreams around him to make sure he fits into my life.
But if I lose him, I'll never find someone I'll love as much ever again.
It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you.
3 comments:
I know i don't really have much of a past when it comes to boys.. but i totally get what you mean. when i was skeptical, his unwavering faith was the glue that made me stay.
the last part... the song.. the whole of it kind of fit into the situation with my guy..
and really, i notice that, when we love someone THAT much, we tend to talk about them so much. haha. nk imagine in a few years bila i bukak my blog n reread what i'd written.. musti kelaka gile.. kot la :P hihi
oh. n btw, i'm kinda stuck in a place where forgiveness sudah diberikan.... but i still can't forget...
some things that he'd done..
any tips on how to forget about those things??
believe it or not, i susa gleeee nk ckp2 jiwang cani in real life. my blog is like my diary and my diary is like my heart and so, guess who's in it? hehehe.
i rily believe that it's the guy that holds a relationship together taw. if he wants to stay and persist on loving you, then more often than not, the relationship will stay. but guys, if dia dah tak nak, pujuk la macam mana pun memang takkan nak. thats what i believe la, frm my experiences.
i'm so glad i have someone like him :)
i don't think we ever do forget even if we've forgiven. but then we learn to live with the past and the fact that people make mistakes sometimes. and love makes it easier to accept someone, for their past and for who they're going to be in the future.
give it time. i'm sure you'll be okay.
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