Dirty Confessions

1. I hate my body. I love my well-endowed front, but everything else than that makes me want to chop myself up and feed myself to the sharks. I've always felt this way, it didn't matter whether I was 50kg back when I was 16 or when I am the God-knows-how-many-kilos-I-am right now. I didn't even realize I was skinny way back then and thought everyone was pretty much insane for thinking I was too skinny. Well, now that I am cute as a hippo, I look back at my teenage photos in utter disbelief.

I'm trying to lose weight now but I know, even when I reach that target weight, after the elated victory subsides, I'm gonna start hating my body again. I really don't know why I'm like this or what to do.

2. I know I can be pretty sometimes but I think everyone else is way more gorgeous than I am. Look at all my friends, aren't most of them beautiful? I know birds of a feather flock together but I feel the ugliest of the bunch. I hate my huge front teeth, my balding hair, my freckles (thank God I hardly ever get pimples) and my super near-sightedness (I'll probably need Lasik in the near future) and how sometimes my eyes are so small, they can hardly be seen in a photo.

3. I can't handle numbers. I struggle with the simplest of maths and it makes me feel so stupid and I fear for my patient's lives. I will always have a calculator on me when I start working. I may be stupid but I do care not to let my stupidity kill someone.

4. Above all else, I hate my temper. My rage is so overwhelming sometimes, I feel sure that I will burst into flames. Which I probably will, later, in Hell, when I pay for my sins of hurting just about everyone I love. When I am angry, I can't listen to reason and whether you try to talk to me or not, everything is your fault. The only thing standing between me and murder is my faith in God, which I will be forever thankful. And also, after I've let out my wrath on someone, I then feel incredibly guilty but will hardly ever say sorry directly to you because I am so ashamed of myself and my huge ego.

5. I do not know how to relate to people. This has changed a bit since I entered nursing, I find it easier to talk to people and smile at strangers. But still, if it isn't in the name of nursing, I wouldn't turn to look twice at anyone and would mostly pass by people without a glance. People who don't know me call me stuck up, I know that and pretend not to care. But really. I find it difficult to make friends in a new environment. I just don't know the right things to say.

6. I have a strained relationship with my family. Enough said.

7. I have countless ex-boyfriends. Most of them was when I was a teenager and was trying to find comfort in a very lonely world. I really don't know who to blame but if you don't know my story, don't judge me just yet. I got cheated a lot and most of them left me and those who stayed, I left them for those who didn't. There were those who were abusive, there were those who lied with every single word they spoke, there were those who wanted me just to get their friends jealous. I've had too much of my share of rotten guys that I am amazed sometimes, of how I can still fall in love over and over again. Stupid much?

I know I have many things to be thankful for. Material things, as well as natural God given gifts that I have. I know that some of my good friends may counter what I say here with things that they love about me. But you know what? The truth is, I am so insecure that I'm practically keeping my arms around me just to keep myself from falling apart.

I know it's my fault for never being able to believe that you love me and only me. Given my history, my roots, my beliefs about myself, I really don't know what else to believe. How can you love someone like me without having the slightest itch for someone else?

I've had a rough night. I know that when I see him later today, I'll probably start crying all over again.

And I know right now I sound like someone who is in deep need of counselling.