Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Learning To Pause

Last night, I got one of the best advice I've heard in a long time.

I thought he was giving me mixed signals. And that was why I was pissed. I was so upset, I drove all the way home just to crash in my mum's lap.

It's crazy that even though I hate myself, I always see myself as the good guy. It's just so stupid. I've never realized all this that I'm going to say but I'm writing them down because I want to remember it.

I contradict myself.

I tell him not to call, not to text. I place my phone as far away from me as possible, to show that I'm not waiting by the phone.

But then I jump at the sound of a text coming in or a call getting through. I run back home when I realize I forgot my phone when I only need to be gone for 5 minutes.

I say I don't want to like him.

But I already do.

Whenever I see him, I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Even if I manage to bump into him, I avert my gaze and pretend I don't even see him.

But my heart beats so fast, and not just from walking away quickly. And all I want is for you to say hi and ask me out again.

He's not the only one giving mixed signals. My signals change so much, he must think I'm bipolar.

I am so immature.

Mostly because I'm so impatient. I've got to learn to let things happen and not make it happen. I've got to stop jumping to conclusions and then acting on them, being so impulsive and then indecisive and unsure of what I've done.

Learn to trust my instincts.

Really, when you ask for advice from someone about a situation, the ultimate decision-maker is you and only you. Because only you know what situation you're in, what happened and how it made you feel. Yes, people's advice can be accepted. But when it comes to the ultimate decision, make it 100% yours.

My instinct is that he is genuine. Sure, he's lied a few times and I've pretty much sorted out the lies and truth as soon as I've heard them. Some things are believable while others are not; if you get to know a person, you'd know which is which and you can also vaguely figure out the reasons for the lies. I'm not creating excuses for him just because I like him but I am saying that I understand and the lies don't matter to me.

My problem is not when I'm with him. When I'm with him... well, if things go well between us, I'll tell you how I feel when I'm with him. But when I'm not with him, which is almost always, what people say can really get to me. Especially when it's more than one person. You can't help but wonder why is it these people are seeing things you can't see? And then those negative beliefs are reinforced by the fact that you're mostly without him.

One of my favorite quotes is "faith is emotions without logic". And that is exactly what I'm feeling now. I believe in him and I don't need a reason. My only reason is that he's promised me and I believe him. Maybe, when the future unravels, I might find that this faith is misplaced. But that still doesn't make me a terrible person. It's always good to have faith.

Learn to speak my mind.

I don't know if this is true about me but I think it is. When I first get to know someone, I'm quiet and submissive. But as time goes on, I just can't shut up. Sure, many people are that way. But me, I'm shy at first, so shy that I'd rather leave some things as questions in my mind, let someone get away with a hurtful remark, and then find someone I'm close with and rant my ass off.

Its just that I don't want to hurt people. That is why I keep quiet and observe. I try to learn that person's character first, what he is like. And that is the time when jerks take advantage. They see me as a meek little girl.

I should say what I feel, what I want to question. But I should put it in a way that won't offend the other person. I've gotta learn to be tactful. It's the same way with people that I know and love. Sometimes I take them for granted, that they know the real me and I could just fire off words with no regards to emotions.

It's better to get shot down and know for sure than to live in doubt.

I've always thought this way. That's why I can be so impulsive sometimes. But, see above. I have to stop being impulsive. Small hints will do. You know, roll the ball at his feet and see if he returns it.

So, with all those words of wisdom in my head, I have made up my mind. I have to stop living at such a fast pace. Fall in love at a snap, fall out of love just as fast. Mostly, I think this is a lot of left over emotions I'm having post break up. I have this rebound reflex like a knee jerk with a tap of a tendon. That is the reason why I have not been single in 5 years. I move too fast. I can't stand on my own feet, too doubtful of myself.

Now, Azwa. Take a deep breath. Sit down. Be a good girl. Life will come at you naturally.

I will never ever forget you either. I promise.

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