Today I went home for dinner because my mum called up and said she's cooking Western tonight (i.e., chicken chop). There was no special occasion so I pretty much figured out she needed my help at home. And she did.
We packed sweets in little packets for my sister's wedding in June, folded the invitation cards, then I made mash potato and steak sauce.
Now I'm back in college, feeling so down in the dumps that I can't do much to feel better. I'm not expecting a huge thanks from my mum for helping out. But I do not like being shouted at and my questions ignored. I feel so unappreciated right now, I want to cry.
When someone screams at me, my reflex is to either scream back or cry. I'm not going to tell you which one I did cause actually, I'm not really sure which reaction I chose. Sure, my mum was all fine when I left home but while I was driving, all I was thinking about was somewhere where I could just park, blast the radio out loud and stare into space.
I feel bad cause I'm not letting Asrul comfort me and I know it's killing him. But I just can't pretend to feel better when he texts me comforting words. I appreciate the effort, I really do, but I can't just smile and pretend everything's okay with me when inside, I just want to be alone right now.
I find it hard to talk about my family. Because I know I will cry and I hate crying. I don't think crying is weak, it's just ugly on me. So I keep it all in, listen to loud, fast and angry music that doesn't make sense because that is how I feel right now. I don't want a hug, I don't want to talk about it. Because I know I will cry.
No questions as to why I want to work far, far away.
I know I'm lucky. My parents can afford me things most people can't. And I know life can't be perfect. You gain some, you lose some. But sometimes I just wish they would show they care, and not just by providing the material things in life, though I know that's how they show it.
I can't say all that I want to say here without sounding like an ungrateful daughter. I am thankful for all they've done for me. If only they knew of an essay I wrote in my 2nd year for Nursing Theories. We were to write about how we came into nursing, and I wrote about my parents.
I got an A for that paper.
In truth, I don't mind crying so much, as long as there's no audience. But crying over family matters? It tears me up. Because it makes me think of my childhood and my teenage years, and boy was that screwed up.
I heard from somewhere that when we are young, we blame our parents for all our flaws. Then, as we grow older and have kids of our own, we blame our children for not being right. It's a vicious cycle humans tend to make.
So I will not blame my parents. I know they are trying to be good parents, in the best way they know how, with all the resources they have.
But I know there's a reason for all my insecurities and why I am such an emotional wreck.
Sumpah sakit hati malam ni.
No comments:
Post a Comment