The End Of Eternal Holidays

Today might be the last day for the next few years when I'm not busy or obsessing over work. I'm starting work tomorrow! For those of you who don't know yet, I'll be working at the Emergency Department at KPJ Kajang Specialist Centre. I've been reading up on Emergency Medicine (like, 4 pages) so I hope everything goes well tomorrow. It's going to be pretty scary, meeting new people and getting to know a new environment.

I am soooo bad at first impressions. I don't know how to make small talk, I can't remember people's names, and I hate eating with strangers. I don't expect it to be busy at a private hospital's emergency department, because they only take in people who can afford to pay. So I expect there'll be a lot of lounging around tomorrow, where there will be plenty of opportunities for people to bombard me with personal questions.

"Where do you live?" "Oh, you're a nursing graduate? What's the difference between that and a diploma?" "You have a degree and your pay is the same as us diplomas?" "Are you planning to stay on?" "Why did you choose the emergency department?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "What does he do?"

I remember my first days at matriculation and UKM. Most of the time, I'd be alone, dodging glances, smiling politely, and not really knowing how to respond to people. I'm not stuck up or hard to be friends with. It's just that I'm socially awkward with people I don't know. I think the part about making friends and meeting co-workers is the part I'm most anxious about. I'll be working under a mentor for 6 months, so I won't be expected to know everything about emergency medicine during my first month or so. But I'm nervous about the people. I think I'll be under a lot of scrutiny during my first few weeks, especially since I'm probably the only one with a nursing degree, they're gonna want to see if I'm really all that good.

On the up side, I've always had good friends wherever I went in the past. I know I'll probably find a good friend or two at my new workplace but I expect at least a week of isolation and eating alone. I'm also pretty excited to start work, I can't wait to get myself super busy, I think I'll pick up a lot of night shifts and double shifts! Kajang is nearby my boyfriend, so I'll probably be seeing him a lot after work.

Anyway, today I had the best shopping experience ever! I can't really go into details but I'll tell you this: I wish someone would hurry up and break the news so I can go crazy!! There are so many things I want to say, but I can't!

Alright, alright, time to iron my clothes for tomorrow (I'll be wearing this really ugly white shirt and black pants because I haven't gotten my uniform yet) and pack my working bag. Even though the pay is crap and I'm hoping to get something better before the end of January next year, I'm pretty psyched to start work.

Khairatul Azwa, Registered Nurse

Bsc. Nursing (Hons) UKM

I like the sound of that.

Really Long Boyfriend Survey

Because I'm bored.

What is his name?

Mohamad Asrul Bin Mohd Bakher

How old is he?

21

Height?

175cm

Eye Color?

Dark brown

Hair Color?

Dark dark brown

Is he pretty?

What..? I sure hope not!

Is he cute?

Yes he is

Is he funny?

Absolutely!

Is he unique?

The one and only.

How long have you been going out?

3 years.

Do you love him?

With all my heart.

Who said I love you first?

I think it was me. Hahaha. Berzaman kot kalau tunggu dia! I am not a patient person.

How long do you plan on being with him?

For the rest of our lives.

Would you steal or lie for him?

Steal? I don't think he'd let me do that. Lie for him? At some point I think I've already done that.

Would you stand up for him?

Yes, without even thinking about it.

Would you protect him even if he was at fault?

Yes I would.

If some one touched him in the wrong way what would you do?

I'd kill that person!!

Do you trust him?

Not really but that's not his fault. I find it very hard to trust people.

Whats your favorite thing about him?

His "good boy" attitude. He's very reasonable and keeps my feet on the ground.

Whats his favorite music?

Right now, he's loving the song like a G6 by Far East Movement.

Whats his favorite food?

Probably KFC?

Would you stop doing something for them?

Yup, I've done that countless times.

Is he a jealous person?

Yes he is but with reason.

How often do you think of them?

Never a second without him on my mind.

Have you sang for them?

I did one time, actually. Hahaha. Hard for me to say I'm sorry by Chicago, because he was mad at me at the time.

Would you let some one or something keep you from seeing him?

I'd try my very best to see him and I'll have you know I'm a very determined person.

Does he call you every day?

Yes, sometimes more than 5 times a day. Dia malas nak text sebenarnya. Baru je sebut, ni dia dah call.

Do they smoke?

He's been smoke-free for 7 months. I'm so proud!

Name one thing you would change about him?

His temper.

Has he changed you?

Yes he has. He's tamed my temper quite a bit. I no longer curse when arguing.

When was the last time you saw him?

Yesterday.

Does he go to your school or work with you?

Nope. I do not date people I work with.

Would you love him no matter what?

Yes I would.

What would make you break up with him?

If he ever cheated on me. No wait, I won't need to break up with him because he'd be dead by then.

Have you seen him cry?

Yup.

Has he bitten you?

No but I've bitten him. Hahahaa.

Does he trust you?

As much as I trust him.

Is he some one you want to be with for a long time?

Of course!

How long have you known him?

More than 3 years.

Why did you choose him?

It was his "little boy" looks that made me adore him when we first met.

What would be the perfect date with him?

Just us two, someplace quiet, and no distractions. Oh, and with food. We love to eat.

Have you met his parents?

Yup. They love me! Hehehe.

Has he met your parents?

Yup. Well, my parents love me more. Hahaha.

Do your best friends like him?

My best friend has a crush on him. Hahahahahaha.

You Know I'm Such A Fool For You

I try to be understanding. He's got his finals coming up next week and he's been studying really hard. We were supposed to go for a movie this weekend but he wanted to study so I said okay. Last week, he had his FYP and presentation. For the past two weekends he's had this autocad course.

It's not like I haven't seen him in weeks. I just saw him yesterday. But it was just a 2 hour chat over drinks and maggie goreng at a mamak stall and even then, I could feel he wasn't really there with me. He was upset over his exams and I couldn't stay for long because I know my mom's waiting for me back home. The night before we had a really huge argument over the phone. The next day, he couldn't do his exams so I resolved that that's the last time I argue with him before an exam. I should have let it slide. We went out last week but he was down with the flu so we didn't really enjoy ourselves.

It's been such a long time since we had an actual date. I miss all those times in college, when he would pick me up and take me for roti bom and we would laugh and talk all night. Now, whenever I want to see him, I have to check his schedule, fill up the car, drive 45km through all that horrible KL jam, just to spend 2 hours with him. And then I have to rush home and worry about my parents telling me off for coming home late.

Our love is not carefree anymore. We used to be able to go wherever we wanted, for however long we wanted to, and not care about anyone else but each other.

Now I can't even tell him I miss having him all to myself. Now all I can do is put on The Cranberries and Coldplay and hold all my tears in.

Mereka kata rindu itu indah. Namun bagiku ini menyiksa.

Day Ten: Ten Final Words

Hope you enjoyed this series as much as I did.

Day Nine: Ten Ways To Win My Heart

Dear boyfriend, please take note.

1. Get me a really cute kitten.

2. Surprise me with flowers, preferably long-stemmed ones, tied with a big bow and no plastic. I don't care what kind of flowers, I love everything.

3. Tell me a song that reminds you of me and why it does.

4. Write me a really corny love letter.

5. Give me something handmade.

6. Make me a romantic picnic in the park.

7. Cook me my favorite dish. I love it when men cook.

8. Hug me when I'm angry.

9. Come to me from a really long way, just to comfort me when I'm upset.

10. Dance with me to a slow song.

As you might have noticed, most of the things that can make me fall head over heels doesn't involve a lot of money. I'm beyond getting expensive jewelery, teddy bears, and I don't fancy chocolates that much. See, it's not that hard to win a girl's heart. Why most men find it hard to do is hard for me to understand.

Day Eight: Ten Of My Favorite Songs

1. Terrified - Katharine McPhee feat. Zachary Levi

2. Hey soul sister - Train

3. Flightless bird - Iron & Wine

4. Animal - Neon Trees

5. Toxic - Glee Cast version

6. Whatever you like - Anya Marina

7. Strange and beautiful - Aqualung

8. Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

9. Thunder (acoustic) - Boys Like Girls

10. Larut - Dewa

Day Seven: Ten Important People

1. My mama, Norita Koo Bt Abdullah. Annoying at times, funny most times, and in competition with me to see who loses the most weight.

2. My papa, Mohd Shamsuddin Bin Zahid Sopian. Amazingly, he's not as bad tempered when we're alone together (which is a lot recently, him being retired and me unemployed). He usually buys me what I want and is the reason why I entered nursing in the first place.

3. Nur Ezzura Bt Ezzudin. We've known each other since we were 7, sat next to each other for most of our school years, and is the first person I run to whenever I'm in trouble.

4. Mohamad Asrul Bin Mohd Bakher. We'll be celebrating our 3 years anniversary soon. I've never had a boyfriend who could stand the devil in me for so long. How he does it is a complete mystery to me.

5. Saidatul Syazwani Bt Zulkifli. She's the nicest, most supportive friend I've ever known and believe me people, what you see is not what you get. She should join the group "I may look calm, but in my head I've killed you 3 times" on Facebook.

6. Noor Syazwani Bt Redzwan. We had so much fun back in matriculation, a tonne of memories to last me a lifetime. I really miss you Syaz, and will love you always!

7. Farah Mislina Bt Khairuddin. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Sayang kat budak pendek ni! I promise to buy you a key chain from whichever country I go to for the rest of my life.

8. Surayah Binti Abd Manan. She may not know it, but her lively personality and cuteness is really infectious. I really missed her after she moved out.

9. Ikamaya Bt Mohd Ariffin. We may have had our differences (most of it were really trivial things) but in the end, she turned out to be a really good friend. And like all good books, a good ending makes for a good tale.

10. If I'm honest, I really miss Siti NurSolihah Bt Adnan. She was one of the best friends I've ever had, and the ending of our friendship was simply proof that the root of all misunderstandings is a breakdown in communication. Remember that time in an activity when we had to give out straws to people we love? I do.

You Got Me Wrapped Around Your Finger

If you, if you could return

Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade

I’m sure I’m not being rude

But it’s just your attitude

It’s tearing me apart

It’s ruining everything

And I swore, I swore I would be true

And honey so did you

So why were you holding her hand

Is that the way we stand

Were you lying all the time

Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you

I thought nothing could go wrong

But I was wrong

I was wrong

If you, if you could get by

Trying not to lie

Things wouldn’t be so confused

And I wouldn’t feel so used

But you always really knew

I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger

I had this horrible dream last night. As if I don't have enough trust issues already.

Cute But Psycho. You've Been Warned.

Kadang-kadang saya sengaja marah awak. Sebab saya suka awak pujuk saya. Hehehe.

Day Six : Ten Items I Can't Live Without

1. My hand phone. More specifically, my Blackberry. Not to flaunt, but I don't really need my laptop anymore since I'm using this phone because it feeds my Facebook addiction. Okay, if you want to gimme iPhone also can.

2. Black eyeliner. Haiyo, this one also I'm addicted already!!

3. Contact lenses. I'd be blind without them.

4. Hair products, more specifically, hair mousse and hairdryer. Actually, even if I don't blow dry it'll still be alright but I'm vain, I want voluminous hair.

5. Okay la, I need my laptop also la! Need to check my e-mail and write my blog.

6. Lip balm. I have seriously dry lips. Hurmmm make that a highly moisturizing lipstick.

7. My car. I've had a taste of my own transportation and I'm not going back!! Goodbyeeeee long hours waiting for KTM and being crammed with banglas.

8. The Quran I bought last Ramadhan, together with another book of its content and meanings. I can live without it, but I wouldn't be living well.

9. Okay la, sekali ngan telekung la. Macam mana pulak nak sembahyang kan?

10. MONEY. I don't want to eat out of garbage cans.

Day Five: Ten Wishes

1. For a better government, one that actually knows how to manage a country and its people sincerely.

2. To be happily married to the man I love.

3. For a successful career that can take me worldwide.

4. For a better future for the nursing profession. This means better working conditions, more respect, better pay, more recognition, and to be upheld as a profession, which it truly is.

5. For my parents to be happy, now and forever.

6. For my friends to never be led astray.

7. For beautiful children in the future who do not test me more than I am capable of.

8. For guidance from Allah SWT, may I never forget Him and may He forgive me for my sins.

9. For me to not cross paths with people who only have cruel intentions towards me and the ones I love.

10. For me to be able to repent before I pass on and may my last words be "lailahaillallah".

Day Four: Ten Things I Want To Say To One Person

To our Prime Minister:

1. If the proposed Mega Tower is privately funded, then why did you announce it in Budget 2011?

2. I feel personally insulted that you think the nation is gullible enough to swallow all your lies.

3. Your wife is the biggest menace I've ever had the displeasure to come across.

4. I used to like you when you were the education minister because it was you that gave me the opportunity to skip standard 4 under the PTS scheme.

5. Guess we shouldn't always rely on first impressions, huh?

6. I am utterly pissed off that my fellow classmates and I are all unemployed graduate nurses. I even met a few diploma nurse graduates from a private university and she graduated in April and she's still waiting for the government to call for an interview. And yet my working seniors are complaining of an impossible workload where 35 patients depend on 5 nurses and the national nurse to patient ratio is nowhere near its target. So your explanation for us unemployed nurse graduates is....?

7. If you ignore the voices of the rakyat and go on to build that tower, I can guarantee you will be out of office by next election.

8. Some balls you had, saying that UMNO can win the elections even if it were to be held tomorrow.

9. Please take a bus to work or get in the queue of a government hospital to understand the pains the rakyat has to go through everyday.

10. How an old baggy man like you can seduce a pretty model is beyond me.

I am feeling very politically-driven right now, thanks to this particular Facebook page. Please join if you can, it really makes you feel patriotic and opens your eyes at what the government is doing.

"And We Are Nearer To Him Than His Jugular Vein"

Today, at Quran reading class, my beloved teacher (also my neighbor) discussed with me the nature of Allah SWT. We had just finished surah al-Baqarah and she was telling me that the longest surah in the Quran is the said surah and the longest ayat in the Quran is ayat 282 in surah al-Baqarah. She started telling me about how the Quran was arranged and it's special properties (containing 114 surah and 114 bismillahhirrahmanirrahim but one surah doesn't begin so and that's because it was revealed to our Prophet SAW during the time of war, but in surah an-Naml, there are 2 bismillahhirrahmanirrahim so that makes 114 all the same).

She told me of how the Quran was revealed to our Prophet. That it came from a place high up in the heavens (I forgot the name) and that it came down in the month of Ramadhan but was revealed to the Prophet in stages over 23 years. She also said that that place high up in the heavens is where our destinies and fates are kept, our rezeki and our life journey. (Please, if someone knows what's the name of this place, do tell me)

I asked her, "high up in the heavens? Is that where Allah is?". And she closed her eyes and recited a verse which went something like, "Allah tidak ada daripada tiada, dan juga tidak..." Sorry but I was so awed at what she said and by her expression that I didn't have time to commit what she said to memory. But all in all, what she meant was that Allah doesn't stay in one place. He is everywhere and He isn't a person, He is the essence. I was so amazed and at that moment, a love for Allah SWT blossomed in me so intensely that I began to reflect on my life and how things have turned out for me.

There are many things I don't know about Allah SWT or Islam or even the Prophet. I don't blame my parents because what they lacked in the religious department, they made up in education. I know religious education is important too but you can't have the best of both worlds, can you? And I am so thankful to Allah SWT for giving me the opportunity to learn about Him, about Islam, about the prophets, even if I am already in my twenties. Better late than never.

I have always thought of repenting, solat taubat, covering up, and to avoid sinning, especially when it comes to my relationship with men. But I've always been so scared because I don't know if I can really do it. I don't want to have this really big inspiration one day and go all out, trying to renew myself, only to falter and fade in the months to come. I've seen that happen to so many people. People who cover up and claim to repent but are now tudung-free and back to their old ways. I'm not judging them, I just don't want to be like them. God only gives you 3 chances to repent before your heart closes forever. I do not want to use up my 3 chances, God knows I have so many sins to repent for.

Me and Asrul had this talk a while back and we decided that after we marry (insyaAllah), we will repent together and perform solat taubat and try our best to be the best Muslim we can. Yes, I know we can't wait till we're old to repent. Life doesn't work that way because life may end at any time. I pray all the time for us to be given the chance to repent and make up for our sins together and for Allah SWT to never leave me, even though I know He never will.

You may leave Islam but Islam will never leave you.

Most non-believers (especially those in the West) think Islam is a religion of oppression and violence. Whenever I think of this, I am reminded of an ayat in surah al-Baqarah which means, they are deaf, dumb, and blind, they will not return (to the path). It is also said that only Allah SWT may choose who shall He guide and who He shall not and I am forever thankful that Allah has guided my mother before me and has never left me, however far I might have strayed.

Some may question the existence of God, let alone believe in the Islamic concept of monotheism. I have met people who don't believe in god and while they were bombarding me with all sorts of questions to disprove me of belief in god by giving evidence of injustice, all I could think of was, "if you, a human, can see that it is unfair, what more in the eyes of God?".

And we have to be humbled and accept the fact that not everything requires an answer. Not being able to answer is not a sign of weakness or doubt. It simply means that Allah SWT knows what we know not and He has His reasons for revealing what He has revealed and what He has not.

Have faith in Allah SWT and He will have faith in you.

Except those who repent and make amends and openly declare (the truth) to them I turn; for I am Oft-Returning Most merciful - Al Baqarah 2 : 160

Day Three : Ten Things I Hate

1. Cicak!! I may be an animal lover but this THING isn't an animal to me.

2. Over-modified cars. I'm talking about Kancil cars with loud exhaust pipes, cars with over the top decor and I just can't stand the sight of a spoiler. Yes, its name serves a purpose. It does spoil a car.

3. Taking out the trash. Because my rubbish bin is filled with hiding cicaks.

4. Chinese herbal tea. I can't stand the smell!!

5. When the heroine in a movie is fugly. Read : Charlie St Cloud.

6. Cats who are sombong. I only want to say hi and give you a treat, why are you being such a bitch?

7. The fact that my eyelashes are so short, I might as well not have any.

8. Hair bands that look great but hurt after wearing it for a half hour. What a waste of 50 bucks (yes, that's how much a hair band will cost you these days).

9. Books that are so fictitious, that they require you to travel through time (The Time Traveler's Wife) or to another place way out there (A Place Called Here). My imagination died when I was 12.

10. Maths. Enough said.

Day Two: Ten Things I Love

1. Accessories. Necklaces, bangles and rings are my favorite. I don't really wear earrings unless it's a special occasion.

2. Charms for my charm bracelet.

3. Books. I love both fiction and non-fiction, especially if it has courtroom scenes, I really don't know why I love all this law and order stuff.

4. Handbags! Because I don't think I have as many as everyone else. Mana boleh kalah!

5. Skirts and dresses. I think they're special because they were made especially for girls.

6. All those little hangers shaped like dolls and little furniture with openings, made for keeping accessories. I purposely keep my dressing table messy in the hope that people might see it and buy those stuff for me to get organized.

7. Hair products. Hair dye, mousse, straightening cream, treatment packets, hair curlers and irons, leave-on conditioners. Whoever came up with the line "effortlessly beautiful", has never been behind the scenes.

8. Make-up. I don't wear much make-up unless it's for a dinner or something but I just love collecting make-up, I have no idea why. Maybe it's the packaging and cute colors? On usual days I'd just put on some lipstick, eyeliner, and baby powder and I'm good to go.

9. My collection of cards on my birthdays, aidilfitri, valentine's (most of them are from Ezzura, hahaha), and even a thank you note from a student I facilitated way back when. I have them all in a box under my bedside table and plan to put them all up on a cork board when I get my own place.

10. A book of love letters Asrul wrote while I was away in London for 2 months last year. It was a book he wrote in whenever he missed me and it would be one of the 3 things I would take with me if my house was on fire.

Day One: Ten Things About Me

1. I hated sushi until I graduated high school and found a part-time job with Ezzura at Sushi King. Free sushi everyday for 3 months has converted me into a sushi lover for life.

2. I love strawberries. The fruit, shake, smoothie, ice cream, lip balm, perfume, body butter, you name it, I love it.

3. I can't look people in the eye and lie with a straight face. I just can't. I wish I could.

4. I get really pissed off when people piss my friends off. More likely than not, I'd charge into the battlefield with a sword and no armor.

5. I know Carrefour is pronounced "car-fu" and Ikea "i-kea" but I just can't be bothered to sound so snobbish when everyone says it the wrong way. If you can't beat them, join them.

6. I've had 4 pet cats my whole life. Cindy was my first when I got her when I was 3. Then she had 8 kittens and we kept one named Tom who had grey fur and blue eyes. Then I had a black Persian for a while whose name was Cinder. And my last one was my baby Teddy. I currently have no cats and can't wait to have enough money to buy one.

7. I used to be a really tomboyish girl who played with boys, played football, raced Tamiyas and climbed trees.

8. My babysitter used to be Nora Danish's mom. She said I was the bully of all the kids she babysat and my older brother would run to me for protection.

9. Horror movies scare the shit out of me, even if they're really stupid and most people would laugh watching it. Even so, I love watching horror movies and giving myself a good scare.

10. I would never, ever date a guy more beautiful than me. I like the spotlight, thank you.

Ten Things

Found this on Ezzura's blog and I wanna do it too. Teheee.

day one: ten things about you

day two: ten things you love

day three: ten things you hate

day four: ten things you want to say to one person

day five: ten wishes

day six: ten items you can’t live without

day seven: ten important people

day eight: ten of your favourite songs

day nine: ten ways to win your heart

day ten: ten final words

And I'm In Love

You, by the light

Is the greatest find

In a world full of wrong

You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely

To the other side

And this could be good

It's already better than that

And nothing's worse

Than knowing you're holding back

I only said it 'cause I mean it

I only mean 'cause it's true

So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming

'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you

You set it again, my heart's in motion

Every word feels like a shooting star

I'm at the edge of my emotions

Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I'm in love

And I'm terrified

For the first time and the last time

In my only life

What I'm Going To Do Tomorrow

1. Call all the hospitals I sent my resume to last week and ask if I could do a walk-in interview. If all 7 hospitals say no, it's time to got to any nearby hospitals and beg for a job.

2. No1 criteria when choosing a hospital to work in : a hostel or any roof over my head. I don't care if they give me a sleeping bag and tell me to camp out the back of the ward. I will do it.

3. Complete any given assignments ASAP. I'm currently doing one and the payment's quite big (and it's all banked in) so now I just have to finish it as fast as I can and then spend that money as wisely as possible so I can start a new life.

4. Pack my stuff and move out.

One less person to speak to, one less irritation in my life. I've cut you out, and don't even think about asking me any favors or even looking at me for the rest of my life. Faham?

I envy people their close siblings, caring parents, families knitted tight and strong. When I hear about people saying how much they love their kids and can't imagine leaving their kids behind for even a night out, my stomach is in knots because I know that's not the way my mom feels about me.

God knows I've never identified with the term "rumahku, syurgaku" or "home sweet home".

Say whatever you want about me but I know you wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

And if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I fucking hate you, you pretentious bitch.