Boogey-lizard

Something really scary happened to me last night. I don't think I will ever sleep in my room again. Heck, I don't think I will sleep in peace for a long time.

For those of you who don't already know, I have a huge fear of lizards. These stupid cicaks, it's not just that they're insanely gross, they're impossible to get rid of and, call me crazy, but it's like they know you're afraid of them, almost like they could smell my fear and are trying to get me every opportunity they get. They stare at you with their beady eyes, they aren't afraid of you and I've seen how they stare at me in the shower.

I frigging hate lizards.

My house is in Bayu Lakehomes, just off Beranang and at the border of Mantin, Negeri Sembilan. There aren't many residents here and most of the bungalow lots are sold but remain empty. I hardly know any of my neighbors and my house is surrounded with shrubbery.

There's plenty of wildlife here, especially birds of all kinds, and my mom's garden is a favorite spot for nests. Unfortunately, nature comes in ugly shapes too and we've had our share of monitor lizards, salamanders, and we even found a live snake on the doorstep once.

Here's a picture of home sweet home


My rival with lizards came to its peak last night. I went to bed early at about 10 p.m. because I was exhausted and awoke at 3 a.m. because...

Something bit me. It bit the inside of my calf. I jerked awake and the thing scampered of, brushing it's furry, squirrel-like body against my leg.

I thought it was a squirrel but then again, it's teeth felt small against my leg and a squirrel would surely leave me bleeding. The feel of it's head and teeth against my leg made me sure it was a lizard but the furry feel of it's body made me think of a squirrel.

I told myself to calm down. It could just be a possum or a weasel or something cute and furry.

So I got up, turned the lights on and looked under my bed. Just as I did so, I heard a scuffle and saw this thing with a long lizard-like brown tail escape through the window. It hit me then that the fact that it could climb up the wall and out the window leaves me with just one image in my mind. And that long brown tail confirmed my suspicions.

I have been bitten by a relatively large, furry lizard.

I braved myself to close the window but as I reached for it, the curtain ruffled and I was god damned sure that it came back in so I grabbed my phone and pillow and ran to the other room which was empty.

I tried to sleep in the next room but it hasn't been used in a while and so was pretty dusty and kept me up sneezing so I spent the night on the living room couch.

I dreaded going back into my room this morning but I did because I promised my mom that I would clean up today and I did, all the while jumping at the slightest of sudden movements. I didn't find the furry bugger today and I will never ever open the windows in my room again, for fear of the boogey-lizard who will jump in at night and bite me.

This is my room. Feel free to rent it.


Because I feel really stuffy with the windows closed, I will be sleeping on the couch from now on, except on the night before my sister's wedding because Ezzura will be sleeping over then, so the boogey-lizard will want to taste her first because she's new meat.

I So Want To Freeze Time Right Now

It's been a long time since I wrote so here's a quick one before I crash for the next 12 hours.

I am currently done with all my exams and thesis! All that's left to do now is to sit for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of June and I'll officially be a Registered Nurse. Well, I hope I'll pass anyway.

I haven't gotten down to studying yet, heck I can't find the energy to get off the couch, much less to study. I have gone down to lazy mode and I expect to stay this way until at least next week when I have to start helping my parents out with my sister's wedding next weekend.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm really lazy but I've planned to clean up the house tomorrow as a surprise to my mom. Just as soon as that sweet thought came to me, my mom told me to clean all the fans in the house tomorrow. Jeez mom. There goes my act of spontaneous kindness.

Today we had the last class meeting and took pictures in our nursing uniform and then me and some of the girls went over to McDonald's because we are apparently very rich right now.

I ate like a total cow today. McDonald's for breakfast and lunch, which included a sundae and then for dinner me and Asrul had tomyam. I am one fat but happy, happy girl.

Speaking of happy, today me and Asrul decided to go to the bird park on a whim, and even though it wasn't much (I personally felt embarassed by the fact that it was so poorly maintained yet there were so many tourists, what must they think of the ruined bird park?) I was totally happy and laughing till I had no breath left.

He is so silly, he makes me want to tickle him to death.

Last week I babysat an 8 month old baby who dozed off in my lap twice and I didn't want to put him down because he tends to wake up when I do that so I ended up with aching arms and shoulders on the day of my research presentation. Nevertheless, he was cute and I got paid RM 100 for just a day's work and the mom's looking forward to hiring me again.

And just a tip here, if you're thinking of babysitting, don't do it for anything less than RM 100 a day. Really people, the stress is not worth anything below 100 bucks.

I am now taking a break before I reply to any of the emails I've been getting offering me babysitting positions and I'm not too worried if I don't get them because I need to study for the Board exam and I think I might head over to help out at SPCA any day soon. And I might just drag Asrul along with me.

Alright, I promised a quickie post so here it is. To sum it all up, I am really, really contented with my life right now and I feel equal to the fat, purring kitty that is Puss in Boots of Shrek 3.

And girlfriends, I'm a free bird now so feel free to organize any girl's night outs from the 7th onwards cause anytime before that, I'm helping out with my sister's wedding.

Oh and I expect you to be there!

PS/ I wanted to upload some pics but Maxis broadband is proving to be a lot worse than my college internet and I can't stand another waking minute, my pillows are calling out to me! So I'm sorry but I promise to post pics next time

"And When I Am Ill, Only He Can Heal Me"

Four years into nursing, I've observed that it is customary to place a patient with dengue fever in the non-acute cubicle -- somewhere far and hidden, only to be seen when changing IV drips and recording intake and output.

Today is Asrul's day 5 of dengue fever. This will also be the 3rd night he spends in the ward. The first 2 nights were spent in the emergency observation unit because his platelet level was average, not critical enough to actually be admitted. This is something new I've learnt about UKMMC's hospital policy. They don't admit patients with a platelet count of above 50, unless there were other complications.

When he first arrived at the emergency department on Thursday, his temperature was a whooping 38.8 degrees. His platelet count was 71 (normal count is at least 150), thus deemed stable and admitted for observation. Within the next 2 days, his fever swung up and down like a see-saw, always staying between 37.4 - 38.8.

The doctors took blood samples every 6 hours, waking him up at 4 a.m. to jab him. He doesn't have a high pain threshold but then again, I guess I don't blame him since they poke him in the same arm, at the same vein, every 6 hours. The vein would've probably just started recovering before it was all poked through again. Plus, the medical staff at the emergency department had a tough time inserting his IV cannula, resulting in 1 jab on his left hand, and about 3 jabs on his right. They were only successful upon the 4th jab.

This morning his platelet level dove right down to 50, and he got admitted to the medical ward for aggressive treatment. In a way, I'm thankful he got admitted to the medical ward because he is now under Dr. Shahrul Azmin, an excellent doctor I got to know during my clinical posting this semester. He's very concerned about patient education, friendly and gentle towards patients, and involves the family in the course of treatment. I'm just glad to know that he is in good hands.

After 4 years as a student nurse, it is only today that I've discovered there is no cure for dengue. Yes, I've noticed that dengue patients won't have anything more than IV drips and paracetamol but I didn't know it was because there's no cure for dengue. I always thought it was because they were stable and didn't need meds. Like I said, they are placed right at the very back, unless they started to bleed profusely, which almost never happened.

Platelets are blood cells needed for coagulation. If you accidentally cut yourself and the bleeding stopped after a few minutes, it's because the platelets rushed to the site of injury and clogged up the cut, causing the bleeding to stop and the formation of a tiny crust or keruping.

Dengue is dangerous because it lowers the production of platelets, which, if severe enough, could cause spontaneous bleeding, thus the name Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever. Not only does it lower platelet count, it lowers general white blood cell count (the blood cells needed to fight disease), and raises hematocrit levels which means the blood is more concentrated, leading to low blood pressure (postural hypotension) and dehydration.

A combination of bleeding (internal bleeding as well), dehydration, and low pressure for the blood to reach vital organs, can cause death. For more info on dengue, click here.

I know the death rate for dengue is very low and most patients recover within a week but knowing what I know, and the fact that Asrul is the type who's always falling ill, I am worried sick about him.

Nurses tend to forsake dengue patients (unless they're bleeding to death in the ICU) because they take for granted that they are stable and most will recover, and I don't blame them for that but just in case, I have taken it upon myself to be his private nurse whenever I'm not sleeping.

He is on 6 pints of normal saline over 24 hours, so I change his drips every 4 hours, change his IV tubing once a day, change the IV plaster if it's soiled with blood, write the date and time on each IV drip, force him to drink 4 bottles a day, including orange juice, 100 plus, and mineral water, buy him lunch or dinner (whichever his mom didn't bring him, he won't eat hospital food) and make sure he finishes his meals (he's constantly lethargic and doesn't have an appetite) make sure he showers and doesn't have a temperature, teach him how to record his urine output on a piece of paper, inform the nurse how much fluids he's taken, make his bed, clean his room, and lastly, keep him company.

He's not much into talking, he seems depressed and it hurts me to see him that way. I study while he sleeps because I have exams till Wednesday. I come in after exams and stay till 8 p.m. because I don't want the nurses to think we're doing anything obscene since he's in the isolation room at the very end of the ward, so it would be inappropriate for me to linger at night.

Ezzura came by today and she brought UNO cards. He brightened up for the next hour or so while we played because I secretly let him win because I know how much he loves to win at games. We used to play PlayStation 2 at his house and he would gloat like mad whenever he won.

"I so hebat!!"

Today, I also learnt how important it is to visit loved ones when they're ill, however minor the illness may be. He would constantly ask me for the time and when 5 or 6 o'clock loomed (visiting hours end at 7 p.m.) and yet there were no signs of his parents or friends, he would then be visibly depressed all over again.

Sedih sangat tengok dia tertunggu-tunggu kawan dia datang, tahu tak?

After he had his night shower and I said let's play another round of UNO before I leave, he played with no enthusiasm at all and did not even smile when he won. I then tucked him in, made sure his drips were okay and promised him I'll be over first thing tomorrow morning.

We both have exams at 2 p.m. tomorrow. He's taking his exams in the ward, all the while feeling constantly tired and not wanting to eat. I'm buying him breakfast tomorrow and then we'll do some last minute studying together. After the exam, I'll go straight back to the ward and stay with him till 8 p.m., as always.

“Be steadfast, may God purify you.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)

Death By Social Isolation

I am all alone in college. I have not seen my house mates in 2 days, I don't know where they've gone to. Yesterday I studied till 6 a.m., slept at 10 a.m., woke up at 3 p.m.

Asrul is running a high fever and the doctor at the clinic called about his blood investigation and told him to go to hospital. He's got a low blood pressure, I think he has dengue. I feel bad for him, especially since his exams are on Monday (mine too) but, as understanding as I try to be, I can't take it that I've barely heard from him since Thursday.

I have not had a decent conversation face to face with another human being in 2 days. Well, except for the canteen people I get my meals from everyday. And some college workers came in this morning to check on the students, they surprised me all blurry eyed and in my shorts. But besides that, I am all cooped up in my room, surfing, eating, watching sitcoms, and studying.

I want sushi. I want to meet my girlfriends. I want to be able to be a home care nurse to my boyfriend. Instead, I am like this tiny far away island, all lonely and neglected and most importantly, I am so bored that I feel ready to bang my head against the wall just for the heck of it.

Another few days of this and I should be ready to kill myself.

You Had A Hold On Me Right From The Start

I'm currently listening to this song, a remake version from Glee. Really, if you're not into watching Glee, you don't know what you're missing.

Today, 15th May 2010, is our 2 years and 6 months anniversary. But Asrul is really unwell. He's got a high fever, it's been 3 days now. He went to the clinic yesterday and the doctor took some blood samples. If I have my car now, I'd drive over to his place and spoon feed him some McDonald's chicken porridge and Oreo McFlurry. But as it is, I'm stuck here in college, sleeping and studying. He only texted me twice today and I called him 3 times. He's been sleeping the rest of the day.

We were never big on anniversaries. I remember our first year anniversary at KLCC, we fought and I think it was the first time he gave in to me. Our first year was a mess, mostly because he was such a jerk. But, given time, he opened himself up to me and he's not the same person I knew him to be. Now it's my turn to make a 360 change.

We both can't remember what we did for our 2nd year anniversary. I don't think we celebrated at all. Like I said, it's not a big deal for us, just so long as we remember and give each other anniversary wishes.

This year, however, we decided that we will celebrate our 3rd year together, with gifts and a special dinner and all that romance. Probably because it has been difficult this year and I want us to celebrate our efforts in staying strong for each other.

I already have so many things planned out in my head for his birthday and our anniversary.

To my favorite girlfriends: Please give him some advice on gifts. I think it is so easy to shop for a girl as compared to shopping gifts for men but somehow, men have no idea what to buy for girls. So I'm hoping you girls can give him some insight as to what I like, accompany him shopping if you have to. I fully give my permission to date my boyfriend.

Things I Want To Waste My Money On When I Work

1. Yun Nam hair care. Years of going to the salon every 6 months has taken a toll on my hair. I need a rejuvenation!

2. A whole wardrobe makeover. This goes without saying. My favorite labels? MNG, Dorothy Perkins, TopShop, Forever 21. At the bottom of my list are Zara and Jaspal. They don't really fit my taste, though I love Zara shoes. I will also be an avid fan and loyal customer of my favorite blogshops.

3. I'm gonna splurge on a huge wardrobe just for shoes. Boots, heels, flops, sandals, stilletos, everything under the sun.

4. A gym membership. My choice would be Celebrity Fitness, I'd even go VIP if I can afford it (salon and spa!). Because Sabah has no top gyms (I did my research), I'd better spend all my gym time while waiting for the ministry interview. Then, if I do get posted in Sabah, I can just do weight maintenance, such as jogging by the beach.

5. Paying for my car. And I mean my real car, not the Neo I am driving right now. I already have a Persona but my dad's using it (and rubbing it in my face every chance he gets) so I can't wait to get permanent ownership.

6. The cutest cat in the world. I'm gonna go kitty-picking with Asrul when we can afford it and even if I do get a position in Sabah, have no doubt that I will be taking kitty with me. I'm gonna pamper my cat with all sorts of things me and Asrul pick out every time we're in a pet store. Cat play things, sleeping houses, toys, catnip, grooming sessions, tagged collars, etc.

7. Room and house decor. I don't really know how I'm gonna decorate my own apartment yet but I know of one item that's gonna be hanging in my bedroom: a photo collage on a colorful canvas of all the people I love.

8. A new laptop. To be more precise, a MacBook. Or a Sony Vaio, depending on the individual functions. I'll have to really pay attention to the details when visiting the retailers to make my choice.

9. A Blackberry or an iPhone. I'm only getting the iPhone if I get the MacBook first because there's no point in getting the iPhone if I can't put in any compatible stuff in it.

10. Health stuff for both my parents, e.g., a massage chair, vitamins and skin products, or reading materials and stuff to keep them both mentally active after retirement. Especially for my dad who's retiring this year, and he's already 66, I want him to live long enough to at least see me get married. Which is way down the road.

11. Lastly, I'll have to save up each month if I'm going to have the wedding of my dreams, plus a house in a nice neighborhood to start married life. Financial stability is so important in a happy marriage.

To my favorite people, don't worry, I promise you nice, cool gifts on your birthdays and special occasions.

So Much Passion, So Little Time

I have found yet another job that I so want to do during the holidays.

Babysitting. Why? Because I'm not a kid person. I'm a baby person.

Oh the thought of me spending a whole day in some rich person's house, playing mommy with their adorable bundle of joy just fills me up with thoughts so happy, I could float up in the sky like a balloon.

I got the idea of babysitting when I found this blog offering babysitting services. Their rates are RM30 per hour. That's an easy RM240 a day, if the parents work office hours. Not bad, eh? Plus, I get to do something I love. And most parents need babysitters on weekdays only so that will leave my weekends free to volunteer at SPCA!

It's a win-win isn't it? I get the 2 things I love most in life. Cats and babies.

When I Googled babysitter services in Kuala Lumpur, look at the flood of advertisements I got:

I already replied to like, 3 of the posts.

Gosh I'm so lazy to study, yet I have time to surf the net on what to do during June and my resume to Prince Court is all done. The only thing left is to fill in my CGPA and off in the mail it goes.

Perhaps some of you are wondering why I can't just cool my heels during the holidays. Simple. I'm bored and I do not want to get fat. Which is what will happen if I stay home for too long. I need work, I need to have a purpose to wake up every morning.

Okay, I need a reason to at least wake up in the afternoon.

An Angel Whispered In My Ear

Okay, I can't take it anymore. I want to blog.

Yesterday, Asrul made me mad. I wanted to blog out my feelings but I managed to stop myself since exams are so close now. Few days back, I also wanted to blog about some stuff but I still managed to hold myself back.

Today, I found a whole new life direction and I can't take it anymore.

So here I am, blogging despite the fact that my OSCE sucked moderately this morning.

As soon as I got back from OSCE, me and Asrul went to watch A Nightmare On Elm Street, which wasted RM 13 of my precious cash for a stupid horror movie with an inconclusive ending. Seriously people, if I were given 3 wishes, one of them is to go back in time and stop myself from watching that stupid movie.

Anyway, when we were done with the movie, I decided to check out the job vacancies in the shopping mall since signs of "Vacancies" were plastered at the door of almost every shop. 30 mins and about 5 disappointing restaurants and 2 effed up clothes shops later, I was thoroughly demotivated and dismayed.

Most franchises (Starbucks, Secret Recipe, etc) said to try at their other outlets, some said they wanted male workers, others said they wanted full-timers. But you know what pissed me off the most?

I really don't care for vacancy notices that add "Chinese female only" or "able to converse in Mandarin is an advantage". Though it does sting of racism, maybe it's because of their customer preferences.

But don't put up a vacancy sign advertising a pay of RM 7/hr, even emphasizing immediate vacancies available, and then when I walk in to enquire, look at me top to bottom and say "no, we're not hiring". Damn you, Sakae Sushi. Damn your racism, stereotype culture, and your rude manager with the pimply face and ugly hairdo that I can only describe as a messed up version of pre-teen Justin Bieber.

So long story short, sick of rejection and putting up a smiling face only to get shot down, I told Asrul to send me home. As I was climbing up the stairs in college, I was suddenly struck by a muse.

Why not volunteer work? I can offer my professional skills, do things I've always wanted to do and no one will ever say "no, we don't want you to work with us for free". Besides, I'm only looking to fill up my time for the month of June and I've been racking my brains on how to tell potential employers that I'm only available for a month. Sure, I can lie but I'm really bad at it, I'm 99% sure I'll get caught.

I Googled "volunteer work in Kuala Lumpur" and got a host of favorable results. My top choices?

I really want to work with children. I love kids, especially those who can't talk yet, sleep all the time, smile and laugh for the smallest of reasons, and love you just because you are there. What are those kids called again? Babies.

The short visit I once had a few years back at an orphanage near UKMMC was one of the main reasons I imagine myself volunteering at an orphanage. Bathing babies, putting them to sleep, feeding and cuddling them, who can ask for a better job? And this one time, when we were posted in the pediatrics ward, I got really close to this 9-month-old orphan named Alif. He is the main reason I want to work with orphans. I miss him.

I have a few orphanages in mind but I haven't really thought it out yet because a) I don't want to work in missionary orphanages (you know, the kind where it's religiously grounded because I think it's morally risky, most NGO orphanages tend to be Christian based) and b) I need to choose a place close to me or at least one that I love enough to travel far and wide to.

Second volunteer work on my list is in animal shelters. Main reason being that I love cats and I've always wanted to be a vet so here's my chance to branch out of nursing for a while. Paws looked favorable but it's all the way in Subang, I might as well go to the SPCA in Ampang which is way nearer but I also have several things to think through about this.

Firstly, I do not want to work in animal shelters that kill unwanted animals. First thing I need to know before committing myself to becoming a volunteer is if the facility has a no kill policy. I do not want to get real close to a kitten only to come in one morning and find out that it's been "put to sleep". And secondly, I'm a little bit allergic to cats. Okay. I'm actually really allergic to cats.

The day I found out about my cat allergy was a sad, sad day for me. I suddenly developed this allergy sometime during my college years and though it's well-known that allergies take time to develop, I can't believe that after almost 20 years, I am now allergic to cats.

I am, however, clinging to the hope that allergies come and go. Pray for me, people.

Next on the list is volunteering for Hospis Malaysia. This is where I can really use my nursing skills, caring for the dying, but again there are pros and cons. Firstly, as I said before, this is my last chance to work out of my nursing area for a while. Secondly, I think dying is depressing. However rewarding it must be to care for someone at the end of their life when they are unable to care for themselves, I think I will be really bummed out if one of my patients died. It's different from a patient of yours in the ward who died because you are caring for at least another 5 so you don't get attached too much. Even then, I feel a sense of sadness. I once had to run to the toilet and take a few deep breaths to pull myself together when a patient's relative broke down in front of me when she died.

Imagine caring for the same person everyday and then holding her hand as she dies or getting up one morning thinking of all the things you want to do for the person and then finding out that she's gone? There will be time for tears for me if I delve into palliative care.

My final choice is teaching English for under-privileged children. Okay, my English isn't that good (my mum constantly teases that she wonders how I got Band 6 when I always mix up "lending" and "borrowing" and say "take over" instead of "overtake") but really, when the institute wants a volunteer to teach and not an actually qualified professional, they can't be expecting much, can they? Besides, the teaching positions I've found are for children aged 5 - 13 and another job was at Montfort Boys Town.

Montfort Boys Town is directly behind Asrul's Politeknik Shah Alam. I pass it almost every week going to his futsal games and I've always wondered what the place was for. Now I know but again, I'm worried that it's a missionary. Not that it's wrong to help people of other religions. I strongly believe that humans were all made into different cultures and religions to help each other but... well, let's just say that my religious background isn't all that grounded and so, I'm doubtful about many things when it comes to this sort of stuff.

You know what's the best part about volunteering? That they don't need you everyday and it's your call whether or not you want to show up. So really, I don't have to choose just one. I could do orphanage work one day, animal shelter stuff the next, teach English once a week or so. I might do some research on autistic institutions or spastic centers, so there's more to choose from.

I've never thought of volunteer work and really, I am absolutely not the kind of person who wants to spread love and joy, and all that positive crap but I don't know how, I don't know why, when I came back from that little job hunt today, something somewhere told me that I could spend a month doing something I love and make a difference too. I'll be working soon anyway (I'm sending my resume to Prince Court Medical Center while awaiting the ministry interview) so there really is no need for big bucks right now.

So my calendar is all filled up! When all you can give is your time, why not help the needy?

Waking Up The Supergirl In Me

This will be my last post until after my theory exams, which will end on the 19th of this month. My hectic schedule only really ends on the 27th but I think after the 19th, I'll be a little more relaxed by then.

Today we had a briefing on our Objective Structured Clinical Examination (OSCE) which will be in just 2 days time. That's 48 hours from now. I have yet to cover all topics and now I truly regret my laid back, no worries attitude towards exams. We visited the clinical skills lab today and it was only then that the reality of exams hit me. If I do not pass, I will not be a licensed nurse. If I do not pass, I will have to come back next year.

Last night I calculated my estimated CGPA for my whole 4 years here in UKM. If I score a 3.5 average this semester, my CGPA will only be 3.38. Pathetic, huh? So I'd better score above 3.5 this semester (which is a tough feat).

My supervisor returned my thesis today, with little comment and minor corrections. Which is good, I guess? Now all that's left to do is the minor corrections, printing out those corrections and preparing the presentation slides by this Friday. I want to get that out of the way A.S.A.P.

My to do list, for now :

1. Study like mad for OSCE.

2. Ensemble all my clinical items and make sure my uniform is wrinkle-free. Oh, I need to re-starch my cap tonight.

3. After OSCE, I need to prepare my research presentation slides.

4. After submission of thesis on Friday, I need to study like mad for the theory exams on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I think I'll read Law & Ethics as a sort of bedtime story before putting lights out every night, and totally focus my daylight activity on Gerontology and go through my Nursing Management notes during mealtimes.

5. After exams on Wednesday, I can afford to hang around for a bit (I really wanna watch A Nightmare On Elm Street!) and then I have to get down to rehearsing my presentation on the 24th.

6. After the 24th, it's time to do some reviewing of the topics covered in the exams for VIVA on the 27th.

7. After the 27th, I have to call Sai and Ezzura to organize some real party and shopping time!


By the end of this month, I'll be looking for a part-time job (probably in Starbucks) for the month of June, while waiting to sit for the Nursing Board exam on the 23rd of June. I'll be working in the day and studying at night (I hope) and when July comes around, I'll be hopping all over Malaysia with my lecturer as a research assistant. By July I should really be sending out my resume to hospitals for a nursing position while I wait for the interview from the Health Ministry. I'll probably work in some private hospital before going into the government sector. My first choice would really be to work for UKMMC but I heard all the nursing positions are closed up till December and I really can't afford to wait.

Early August will be my convocation.

So there, that's all my plans mapped out till somewhere near end of 2010. I really hope that by early 2011, I'll be writing from Sabah.

I am super exhausted. I'm suffering from difficulty in sleeping, even though I went jogging yesterday. I had to wake up early today and I thought I could go back to sleep after lunch but no, I should get down on my books.

Okay, like I said, this will be my last post until next Wednesday. I'll see you on the other side.

Food That Khairatul Azwa Has Claimed To Be Inedible

1. Watermelon. It has a weird smell and texture that I can't stand. I've tried it once or twice because apparently everyone in my social circle loves this fruit but no, I can't stomach it.

2. Mee and laksa. These two tastes like plastic to me. I've only had both of them once, laksa was during Yana's birthday party back in 2005 and that was only because her mom made it and I didn't want to offend anyone. The first and last time I ate mee was at Asrul's house about a year back and that was also because his mom cooked it and I was mortified when he told his mom I don't eat mee. I elbowed him to signal "shut up" and ate most of it before pushing the rest towards him when his mom was gone.

3. Lamb. Ha, this one is what I call my pantang. Seriously, I can smell lamb from 10 feet away and I can't stand it.

4. Snails. You all know this one. The stuff that you need to suck out of it's shell? I've never tried it but I think it's gross. But I love oysters, though.

5. Any kind of animal internal organs. Liver, lungs, you name it, I won't eat it. This includes external genitalia. Who in the world came up with sup torpedo?

6. Any kind of ulam. For the simple reason that it's not cooked. But I have recently learned to eat kerabu, my favorite's kerabu pucuk paku but there is still no room in my heart or stomach for ulam.

7. Brinjal, stuffed chili, pumpkin, pajeri nenas. Why? Because I've never eaten it and never will.

8. Coconut. The drink and the fruit itself. I've only drank it once and that was to save my life when I was about 11 and had an allergic reaction to some sort of medication.

9. Red beans. My mom loves this one. But I can't stand the texture. Asrul hates it too but once, when we were barely a year into the relationship, we were having ABC and I gathered 5 red beans in the spoon and dared him to eat it if he loved me and he ate it all in one go.

10. Spicy food. This one really depends on the level of kesedapan. My sense of smell is really making my food choices here so the tastier it smells, the better chances of me actually taking a bite. Believe it or not, the first time I had curry was when I was 15 (also the time when I first had anything masak lemak) and I only learnt to eat sambal during my first year in UKM. I can now take a tiny bit of spicy stuff but please be prepared to serve me gallons of water.

11. Tomatoes. This one's a tricky one. I love tomato sauce but not the actual fruit itself. Wait, is it a fruit or a vege? Hurm, vege I guess? BUT. I do love the canned version of this fruit/vege. I just don't like the slimy taste from the seeds of the actual raw tomato.

12. Chili sauce. This is something that Asrul's been trying to get me to eat for the past 3 years. Once he was feeding me something and dipped it in a bit of chili sauce when I wasn't looking and earned himself a good hard pinch. When I was younger, I avoided chili sauce because I thought it was spicy. But one fine day, I found out that it wasn't spicy at all and it just weirded me out. Feels wrong that it's sweet and sticky. I also avoid those chili dips that come with keropok lekor, if I can avoid it. Which is another reason why I am not a huge fan of keropok lekor.

13. Air tebu. This also smells weird to me. I don't care how sweet people say it is.

I think that's all I can think of right now, though I'm pretty sure there's a whole lot more. Well, I'll update it if I ever think of anything else to add.

If you think my food habits are weird and picky, think again. Once I was listening to FlyFM and they were taking calls on weird food habits and there were people calling in saying they don't eat raw bananas (because it's not cooked) but loves banana cake and goreng pisang. The DJ also mentioned that he doesn't eat squid but loves calamari but only the center parts where there are no tentacles.

So what's your unique (a.k.a weird) food habit?

It would seem that, for a girl who sure has a long list of inedible food, I'd be real skinny but noooooo...

PS/ No offense is intended to people who love the food I have termed to be inedible. I respect people who eat what I can't, amazed by it even.

Oh wait, I've just thought of another one.

14. Yam ice-cream. Why? It smells weird. My nose makes my eating decisions.

Angel Of Mine

I can't sleep. I think, of my 22 years alive, the past year has been the one most filled with insomnia episodes. Last night I went to bed at 3 a.m. and woke at 6 a.m. I went back to sleep around 7 a.m. and woke at 12 p.m. which is a decent amount of sleeping time but really, I only woke up because Asrul insisted I get out of bed. If he didn't bother me, it's safe to say I would have slept till 4 p.m.

So what's been keeping me up all night? Am I studying so hard? That's a laugh. I've only studied what, twice the whole week? I did manage to cover most topic areas but I know I'm not doing enough.

Okay, I'm only going to see Asrul tomorrow night for dinner so I promise I will spend the daylight hours studying. Well it really depends on what time I wake up since it's already past 3 a.m. and I'm wide awake. And I usually need a minimum of 9 hours rest to wake up feeling completely energized.

What's kept me tossing and turning at night? This is gonna sound silly and I'm a bit scared to admit it because I know Asrul will take my guilty pleasure away if he finds out. But if it's bad for me then it's a good thing there's someone to stop me, right?

So here goes.

A few days back, I watched on Oprah about this girl who grew up with a deep, dark secret: Her father is a serial killer. Nicknamed the Happy Face Killer by the media because he wrote chilling letters about his murders and signed it with a smiley face.

The part that I couldn't forget was that this murderer would terrorize his kid by burning stray cats in an oil barrel and once, he even hung up little kittens on a clothesline by their tails. Creepy, huh? That last one kept me awake a few nights.

So I decided to Google this Happy Face Killer.

In the end, not only did I find out more gross details about this particular killer but I ended up reading a whole lot of other serial murderers. Mind you, it's not a one page story about killing people. These murderers managed to elude police for years so it was a good 10 to 19 page read and I spent hours going through the details, even having my meals while reading it like a book.

The one that I really can't forget is the demonic Westley Allan Dodd. This pedophile is so gross, he makes me question if he really is human. His sexual fantasies about children were so violent, he even wanted to eat their genitals. I told you it's ultimately gross.

So why do I keep reading this stuff? Good question. Honestly, I really don't know. Some things are so horrible, it captivates you. It's the same reason why I love horror movies, even though I know it's guaranteed to give me at least a week's worth of sleepless nights.

The longest I've read was about the Green River Killer but it was a disappointing read. The police didn't catch the murderer until almost 20 years and 48 bodies later and what was the sentencing like? Life in prison with no possibility of parole. He escaped the death sentence because he made a deal that if he confessed, he wouldn't get the death penalty. I'm like, what the eff? After what he did and the cops can't even manage to lie to him? If I was the investigating officer, I would pull the deal back just as soon as his confession's recorded. Okay, I think that might be illegal but I really think this scum shouldn't be kept alive, especially at the cost of taxpayers. If I were the victim's family member, I'd stop paying taxes just so I wouldn't feed the psychopath.

After reading all the gruesome and gory details, especially after seeing that most of the murdered victims were my age, I begin to get suspicious of loud noises, of shadows passing behind me, and I'm really getting paranoid about making sure the front door's locked. One of the murders happened on campus grounds so I'm not taking any chances.

Hence, my sleeping problems. And so close to exams too. My mum would kill me if she knew.

What I'm about to tell you is something I've never told anyone, not even Ezzura and I tell Ezzura everything. I guess that at the time it happened, I really thought nothing of it so I didn't mention it to anyone. It's all behind me now and I'm safe and sound so I guess there's no harm in mentioning it here.

When I was a kid, whenever my parents were mad at me (more like, when I was mad at them), I would sit out on the park bench in front of my house and watch the cars go by on the main road. The park was just out front my house but not directly in front, it was about 100m to the left so you really can't see me from the house.

So anyway, one night when I was really mad, I sneaked out after dinner and sat there on the park bench, watching the cars go by and fuming silently. I was 10 years old. Sitting out in the park that was just in front of my house where I've lived my whole life sounded perfectly safe to me.

Then there was this guy, I think he was a Sikh, mid-30s maybe.He was big and bearded, he drove a van. He parked by the park and came to sit next to me. He asked me if I was okay. I said I was really mad at my parents. It didn't even occur to me to ask who he was. He then asked where I lived. I turned around and pointed at my house. He nodded and asked if I wanted to go for a ride with him. He mentioned he had a rope in his car. I really didn't know what to say to that so I just kept quiet. He then got up and left and I went home soon after.

Now that I think about it, it would have been very likely if I had gone into that van with him, I would be on the front page of every newspaper. Raped, murdered, dumped in a ditch? Who knows. I don't know what made him leave but I'm thankful he did.

There was this other time when I was 14 and did something similar. Only this time I was picked up by a guy who said he was a cop and told me to get into his car. Stupid as I was, I did get in and was terrified because he didn't intend to send me home. He showed me some ID that he really was a cop and even drove to the Kajang police station to meet some friends of his. I really don't know what he was planning to do with me since I said I wanted to go home but he drove all the way out to Kajang. I was scared but decided on a stony-faced approach, not wanting to show him that I was scared.

He then told me to sit in the back and a friend of his sat in the front with him. He drove out towards KL and somewhere along the way, he stopped and said the car broke down. He lifted the hood of his car and asked his friend to help him out. Even at that age, I could tell he was faking it and was really discussing with his friend what they wanted to do with me. I wanted to get out and run but it was in the middle of the highway and a part of me said that he's a cop so he can't be dangerous. So I sat tight.

They both got into the car and next thing I knew, he dropped me off at the Bandar Tasik Selatan KTM station and gave me RM 50. I used the money to take a cab home.

I guess you're all breathing a sigh of relief now, eh? Yes, I may have been so stupid and naive but at that age, I really didn't know better. Thinking back now, I think it was real lucky of me that none of the men even touched me, though I could sense something sinister going on but was too damn scared to do anything.

I must have one heck of a guardian angel. Perhaps it's the same one that sits with me in exams and provides me the answers to questions I haven't studied at all.

By now you've all probably summed up that I had a pretty crappy time growing up and I always was (and still maybe am) a rebellious teen. I have a really short temper and when I'm angry, I usually just run somewhere to find solace. I still do that now but, being older, I've implemented some safety rules.

Always, always, lock the car doors. Never go to mat rempit spots alone (e.g., Bukit Ampang, Dataran Merdeka, that sort of place). If you ever get into an accident at night when you're alone, don't get out of the car. Note the license plate of the other vehicle and immediately drive to the nearest police station. And of course, the old age rule: Never talk to strangers.

Be safe, people! There are so many psychos out there.

Love Us, Vote Us!

About a week ago, I submitted this picture for the Clean n Clear Best Friends Model Search and today, it got approved. Which means you can all vote for us now! Please do! With lots of love, many thanks to those who vote!

And I just completed my thesis today! Weeeee~

Sabah Is My Calling

When I was done with my SPM, the number one on my matriculation application was Sabah. And then when I was done with matriculation in Kedah, my number one choice to do nursing was again in Sabah. Now that I am almost done with my Bachelor of Nursing in UKM, guess where my heart's set out to go?

Sabah.

I really don't know why. I just really, really want to go there. Okay, if I was honest, there are a few reasons, I'm just afraid to say them because I just know someone somewhere is gonna pour water all over my fiery anticipation.

But it's my blog, so I'll say it anyway.

Reason number 1 is that it's a beach haven over there. Beaches near the city, near housing areas. Islands surrounding the whole place. I love it that way. It sounds so peaceful to me and even here in KL, whenever I'm stressed out, I wish so much that I can run someplace peaceful but the nearest beach is Port Dickson and that's like 80km away?

Reason number 2 is I want to enjoy the nature there. Diving, snorkeling, mountain climbing, you name it, I'm gonna try it.

Reason number 3 is I think people are friendlier over there. There's a whole new mix of ethnicity and religion, I think it's way more peaceful that people of KL, no offense. And call me crazy but I love that Sabahan accent. I want one too.

Reason number 4 is that I think it will be better if I worked someplace far from my family. It's not that I don't love them but let's just say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. No worries, I'll be sure to bank in some cash each month and call Mama every week.

Reason number 5 is aaahhh... CASH. As a Malaysian from the peninsular, I'm entitled to extra allowance. Can anyone hear *KACHING*

Reason number 6 is I want a different nursing experience. Yes, Sabah might be under-equipped and old-fashioned but think of this : there might be opportunities to be a flying nurse (that's where you get to send patients by helicopter to the peninsular), rural nursing (visits to the really rural parts, taking boats and visiting longhouses). Really, when you think of all that's to be gained from a nursing experience in Sabah, the cons to working someplace far and undeveloped seems nothing. And the best nurse Malaysia has ever known, Bibi Florina? Where is she from again? Sabah.

Reason number 7 is the biggest. I'm 22 this year, or will be. I plan to be married by 27. That's 5 years of freedom left. I don't see marriage as a ball and chain but yes, my freedom will be limited after I marry. When you're married, you can't just take off on a whim without putting a whole lot of thought on how your actions will impact others (the husband, the kids, my parents, the in-laws, and not necessarily in that order). So I want to live my life to the fullest before I get married and commit my whole life to others. That's a whole lot of responsibility and I don't want any regrets. I don't want to be 50 and looking back at the time when I was in my 20s and thinking "Oh what if...?" I don't want to be that old lady. I want to be looking back and saying "Wow, that was awesome".

The question that has been plaguing me lately is the same question my dad asked me once he met my boyfriend and listened to me going on and on about working in Sabah. His question was, "What about Asrul?". You see, just because I am pursuing my dream doesn't mean that I don't love him. It simply means that I know we are separate individuals and we have lives of our own outside of us. I will miss him and there will be times when I wish I could sprout wings and fly to him but mostly, I think I'm gonna love it there. And even if I don't, at least I'll know what it feels like to have made that decision and not bombard myself with "What if" questions when I'm older. And it's not like we're living in the 70s. There's Skype, video calling, Facebook, and probably a whole lot more technology to connect people far and near that I don't even know about.

Besides, what's the best excuse for a transfer back to the peninsular after a few years? Marriage. Sabah guys might be cute but I think I'll stick to my Asrul. I'm pretty sure he's The One.

I've just completed my SPA form and I've looked up Queen Elizabeth Hospital on Google. That is how psyched I am right now. Thesis pun belum siap lagi tapi sudah mimpi jauh kan? Hehehe.

We had a talk from a matron once and she said anyone applying to nurse in Sabah is guaranteed to get it. I really hope so. Oh and when the interview comes and I'm asked the inevitable question of why do I want to work in Sabah? My answer will be "I want to help the needy". Oh wait, that's Reason no 8.